Arrhythmia (29 page)

I listened to his account in silence. Of course, I was tremendously relieved to hear his words. Still, though, I was fully aware that Desiderio was not quite out of danger. His circulation was unstable, and the anesthesia would put additional strain on his already-stressed heart.

It was truly a curse to know all the risks in a situation like this.

I folded my arms and placed my chin on them in exhaustion. The doctor patted me on the shoulder to encourage me and hurried back to the OR.

Lisa came by with the empty stretcher. As she passed the kitchen, I jumped to help her. She stopped me in the doorway.

“No, no,” she said gently. “Stay here. I’ve got this. You’re useless right now anyway. Besides, there’s only one other patient here, and I’ll manage perfectly well. If things escalate, I’ll come and get you.”

I nodded weakly and sank back into the chair.

Lisa scratched her ear a little sheepishly. “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier.”

“That’s all right,” I croaked. “I needed that.”

She gave me a timid smile before she left the kitchen.

The large ER was directly next door, so I could clearly hear her puttering around in there. And I could also hear that one of the EMTs had returned because he needed some information or other on Desiderio. Lisa gave it to him and then asked what exactly had happened. I listened intently to the ambulance driver’s account.

“He must have been on his way home. Presumably, he was either inattentive or tired or both. In any case, he somehow drifted out of his lane and went into a skid. It was his bad luck that, just at that moment, a truck was coming in the other direction. He hit it head-on with full force. You should see his car! Incredible. By the time we got there, I was pretty sure there wasn’t much we could do for him. It’s hard to believe that it’s possible to survive in such a heap of metal. The whole engine had been pushed into the passenger cabin. That’s why his leg was caught and we couldn’t stop the bleeding for the longest time. When we finally got him out, there was really no time to waste!”

Everything began to spin around me.

He was tired and inattentive . . .

Because of me.

It was my fault that he was in critical condition.

And I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

Chapter 34

It was getting dark outside, and I was still motionless in the kitchen.

Lisa came in and told me that she had just spoken to the police on the phone.

“At the accident site, Desiderio gave the police the phone number of a Ms. Bauer. Any idea who that is?”

I shook my head.

I began to realize there was a lot I didn’t know about Desiderio. I didn’t even know when his birthday was!

“Oh well. It doesn’t matter,” Lisa said, having noticed how depressed I looked. “In any case, she’s on her way over.”

I didn’t react, so she disappeared again.

Heavy raindrops fell against the window and completed the gloom of the whole situation. Time and again, my hand slid into my pocket and felt for the folded letter inside. I didn’t dare read it again. Nor the missed text messages from him. His words would only rob me of the last bit of composure I had left.

Every time the automatic door opened, I jumped up, hoping Heimer would come out of the OR.

This happened at least ten times before the attending physician at last came striding down the hallway. His exhausted but satisfied expression already spoke volumes. Still, I nervously cracked my knuckles as I rushed up to him.

“Everything went well,” he told me cheerfully. “The lower leg is back to being the way it should, and his condition has stabilized well enough that we no longer have to ventilate him. But he will have to spend the night in intensive care. Just as a precaution.”

I began to make a move to go to Desiderio, but Heimer held me back.

“Take it easy, Nurse Lena. Give the staff some time to take proper care of our young doctor. They’ll call here when they’re ready.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly. At that moment, it was the best I could do.

“Don’t mention it.” Heimer gave me a mock salute and disappeared into the doctors’ lounge.

I began impatiently pacing the hallway.

Everything was OK. His circulation was stable. He was out of the woods.

But I would only really believe it once I had seen him with my own eyes.

It was late now, and the night nurse came in to start her shift. By the shocked looks she gave me, I could tell Lisa had headed her off and filled her in. Eventually, she rushed past me into the locker room, greeting me only briefly to avoid having to find some sort of encouraging words. I didn’t mind. I, too, hated having to come up with empty phrases for distraught friends and loved ones.

The outpatient clinic phone rang. I whirled around and looked at Lisa, who answered. She nodded at me, and I was gone.

For the first time, I entered the intensive care unit not as a nurse but as a friend.

Had the sounds of the many machines always been so frightening?

I hesitantly stepped up to the nurses’ desk.

An older, stern-looking nurse I knew only fleetingly looked up.

“He’s in one.” She pointed with her chin and then returned to looking at her paperwork.

I timidly walked along the dark hallway.

I passed two patient rooms, each occupied by two patients on ventilators. Desiderio’s was the last, and it was a single room.

I stopped briefly outside the door to compose myself.

He was not likely to look great. At least I knew he would no longer have a tube in his throat, and that was sure to make the sight less frightening.

I realized I’d forgotten to ask if he was responsive.

Well, I was about to find out.

If only I could finally bring myself to enter his room.

I took a deep breath in and out. Then, with my hands shaking, I pushed back my hair and forced my legs to move forward.

I was only halfway through the door when I stopped again and gazed into the room, thunderstruck.

It wasn’t only Desiderio’s wretched appearance that made me stop in my tracks but also the attractive blonde sitting by his bedside and lovingly stroking his head.

It was the woman from his dining room.

Although her eyes and cheeks were red from crying, she was still gorgeous.

The shaking in my hands rapidly spread to my entire body. My knees threatened to give in, and I could feel angry and desperate tears making their way to the outside.

That was Ms. Bauer.

Desiderio had given the first responders her number so she could come and support him.

He hadn’t mentioned me. I wasn’t his emergency contact.

But he knew you were here anyway, silly.

Stupid inner voice of reason. I was not in any condition to think rationally.

The blonde looked up because I’d made a slight snorting sound.

I couldn’t stand to have her look at me. I had to get away.

“Wait!” I heard her calling as I turned on my heel. “Lena?”

Surprised, I stopped.

How does this bimbo know my name?

I slowly turned around. The blonde had followed me into the hallway.

“So you’re Lena?” she wanted to know.

I crossed my arms and haughtily raised one eyebrow. “Yes. And who the hell are you?”

At first, she seemed startled by my hateful tone, but then she began to laugh.

Was she nuts? What was so funny?

“Desiderio wasn’t exaggerating when he told me about your temper.”

Huh?

My second eyebrow rose into a questioning frown.

The blonde graciously extended her hand. “Hi, I’m Susi.”

“Who?”

“Susi,” she repeated patiently. “Desiderio’s cousin.”

“Are you sure?” I asked in shock.

“Uh, yes. Quite sure.”

Oh. My. God.

If I still had any color in my face, I now lost it completely.

This was Cousin Susi? From Munich? Who was like a sister to him?

My stomach tensed up, and I tasted bile.

Desiderio was lying in intensive care, gravely injured, because I had been so incredibly bonkers that I had decided that he was having an affair. With his cousin.

I groaned and tore at my hair.

Susi lowered her hand and looked at me with concern. “What’s the matter?”

“My God, Susi, I’m so sorry for everything!” I wailed.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“This! All of this!” I stammered and tried very hard not to scream. “It’s my fault that Desiderio even had this accident at all! Because I am a giant idiot. A hysterical asshole. A stupid cow!”

“Now, now, calm down,” Susi soothed me. “Nobody is to blame for Desiderio’s accident. He wasn’t paying attention and drifted off the road.”

“Yes, because of me! Because I was such a lunatic!”

I tearfully recounted the whole story to her. That I had seen her. That I had thought he was cheating on me. That I had been too much of a coward to talk to him about it. That I was the biggest moron on earth.

Even though we didn’t know each other, she took me into her arms to console me. “That is dramatic, sure, but what’s done is done. And the accident isn’t all your fault. I’m sure Desiderio feels the same way.”

Desiderio.

I looked at the open door to his room. Susi noticed and released me.

“Go to him. He’s very tired, but I’m sure there’s nothing he wants more than to see you now. Go on!”

When I didn’t budge, she summarily pushed me into the room and quietly closed the door behind me so I couldn’t bolt.

I stood there like an idiot and furtively wiped the tears from my face.

Now that the blood had been washed off, Desiderio didn’t look quite so terrible, but it was still bad enough. The nurse in me had to check the readings on the small monitor showing his vital signs. Everything was perfectly normal.

Still, his complexion in no way resembled his usual healthy tan. He had a gray sheen and looked terribly unwell. There were IVs in both his arms. The rest of his body was mostly covered, except for the toes of the broken leg, which peeked out from the cast. They still had some surgical disinfectant on them.

I crept over to his bed as quietly as I could and sat down on the chair where Susi had been.

Susi, his cousin.

I still couldn’t grasp the damage I had done with my delusional ideas . . .

“Hi,” Desiderio said softly. He had opened his eyes and was looking at me.

Right away, those annoying tears began running down my cheeks again.

“Hey,” I whispered, choking, and took his hand. It felt cold. “I . . . I don’t know where to start—”

“You don’t need to,” he interrupted me hoarsely. “I heard everything.”

“You did?”

“Yes. Well actually, I think all of intensive care listened in.”

“Oh.” Embarrassed, I wiped my eyes. “At least now you know what a stupid woman I am.”

“You’re not. You’re just overly cautious.”

“More like hysterical,” I said bitterly.

“Nonsense.” He was exhausted. He shut his eyes and weakly closed his fingers around mine. “I’m glad you’re here.”

I looked at his ashen face, which was still angelic. A strong wave of affection overtook me. I would never survive without this man.

“Desiderio, I’m so sorry for everything.” My voice quavered. “If I hadn’t been so stupid, none of this would have happened! I shouldn’t have been such a coward, and I should have talked to you much sooner. Everything would have been cleared up—without your getting hurt. Oh God, I don’t know how I’m ever going to make this up to you!”

“You don’t have to. I caused the accident myself. You are absolutely not to blame.” His voice became quieter and quieter. “But can we please talk about it tomorrow? I’m just . . . much too tired now.”

I tenderly stroked his cheek. “You don’t have to talk anymore. It’s my turn now. Your letter said everything I needed to hear. I cannot tell you how much your words moved me. You spoke directly to my soul.”

Very carefully, so as not to hurt him, I leaned over him and snuggled my head against his neck. Calmly and deliberately, I at last whispered what I should have told him long ago. “Desiderio, you are my other half. Although I fought it, I have known all along that we belong together. I cannot live without you anymore. There is only you for me.”

His breathing was calm and regular, but I knew he was listening. I slowly lifted my head and brushed a strand of hair from his forehead.

“I love you,” I said. “Always have and always will.”

I lowered my lips and gently kissed him.

The quiet beep of his pulse became audibly faster.

If I hadn’t been sure before that Desiderio loved me, now I was 100 percent certain.

Because the heart cannot lie . . .

Chapter 35

It was the end of May, and the sun was shining brightly. It was a glorious day. Even if it had rained buckets, it would have been a glorious day.

Today was Vera and Sebastian’s wedding.

I was sitting alone at the bride’s table and looking at the excitement around me with great satisfaction.

Why was I sitting alone at the bride’s table?

Because I was the proud witness to their marriage!

The entire day had gone perfectly in every way. From the registrar’s office to the church and on to the subsequent celebration. An absolute dream wedding.

But that was to be expected, after all, since I planned the whole thing!

And yes, I was proud of myself.

Perhaps I should consider a secondary career as a wedding planner in case the one as interior decorator falls through . . .

The partygoers’ faces glowed happily. Some were engaged in cheerful conversations, while others were playfully whirling around on the dance floor.

Arm in arm, the happy couple was going from table to table to exchange a few pleasantries with each guest.

Vera really looked awesome.

Her dress was a dream in ivory satin. The strapless top fit like wax, and the wide skirt hugged her legs with every step. She looked like a fairy with the yellow sunflowers in her hair.

Sebastian had gotten quite comfortable in his ivory tuxedo after all. It matched Vera’s dress, but getting him into it had required some persuasive skills on our part. The black shirt and the pretty boutonniere made of tiny sunflowers made him look absolutely dashing.

Sun yellow and orange were the designated colors of the decorations. They matched the bridal couple perfectly. Warmhearted and cheerful.

I spotted the other witness among the dancing couples. Frank. He looked exceedingly joyful, and that made me profoundly happy. With a perma-smile on his face, he was twirling his new girlfriend, Lisa, to the sounds of the band.

Exactly.
That
Lisa!

My shy coworker.

That was something else I was proud of, because I had been instrumental in bringing those two together.

I hadn’t forgotten my promise that I would drag her out to Go to dance the night away. We danced, laughed, screamed, and drank—and yes, she had thrown up. For two days.

Great, right?

At any rate, while she was drunk at the club, Lisa had decorated Frank with her shawl, which he then had to return to her personally a week later. Over a nice dinner. A short while later, the two were a couple.

And what a couple!

I was secretly already planning the next wedding . . .

My thoughts were interrupted when two strong arms came from behind and wrapped themselves around me. Soft lips found their way to the crook of my neck and caused goose bumps over my entire body. I leaned my head back, searching for the most beautiful eyes in the world.

Oh, and there they were!

More radiant than ever, they captured me in their deep-ocean blue.

“Beautiful lady, may I please have this dance?” Desiderio asked with a charming smile. He graciously held out his hand.

I turned around and pretended that I needed to think about it. Actually, I just wanted to look at him a little longer. I would never tire of looking at his face.

God, how I loved that man!

He had recovered completely from the accident. The only remaining evidence was the fine scar from his surgery. And the two almost invisible lines on his face caused by the glass fragments. When the weather changed, he did complain of mild pain in his leg—like an old man. But I refrained from making any stupid comments, as I was still of the opinion that the whole disaster was my fault and that it was now my lifelong punishment to hear about his meteoropathy.

Lifelong. It had to be lifelong because, without Desiderio, there was no future for me.

He was dressed in a black suit that the show-off had of course had tailor made in Italy. With it, he wore a plain white shirt and a black tie.

He looked simply incredible.

His boutonniere was made to match my yellow dress perfectly. Just as the rest of him matched me perfectly.

Altogether, everything was perfect. I was finally able to accept my immeasurable happiness with no mistrust.

Desiderio was by now raising an eyebrow, because I was still making moony eyes at him instead of accepting his invitation to dance. At last I was able to tear myself away from gazing, place my hand in his, and stand up with an exaggeratedly sophisticated demeanor.

“How could I possibly say no, young man?” I said and nodded my head graciously.

“You’ll have to remember that answer,” he grinned and winked at me mysteriously.

As he led me to the dance floor, I knew that there would never be a happier person in the world than I.

Not now and not in the future.