Arrhythmia (26 page)

My plan was successful, and Vera replied with desperation. “No! God, I have absolutely no idea! Do you have any idea how many different bridal gowns there are in the world? And I have no idea what to look for: traditional, modern, short, floor-length, A-line, white, ivory, glitter, tulle . . .”

Seeing that she was working herself into a state, I wasted no time in interrupting her. “OK, I get it. We need to have some general idea to start. Let’s have a look at those catalogs. Man, how are they so thick? OK, so let’s take one each and pick out our top ten. Then we’ll compare notes and find a general style, all right?”

Vera looked grateful and began eagerly leafing through the catalogs and marking pages. I did the same, though not with the same fervor because I found myself constantly thinking about Desiderio.

We leafed, we looked, we commented, we discussed, and we analyzed for nearly two hours before finally reaching a decision: strapless A-line.

The later the evening got, the more unfocused I became. I missed Desiderio. I wondered what he was doing. Shit, I missed him so much. His scent, his warmth, his tender hands . . .

“Lena!”

I was startled. “What?”

Vera closed the catalog, smiled indulgently, and said: “Go to him.”

“Huh?”

“Go on. Go to Desiderio. I can hardly stand your sad face.”

“But I—”

“Go on.”

“OK, if you—”

“Get lost already!”

If Vera really was so eager to get rid of me, I supposed I had to oblige. I frantically packed up my stuff and zipped down to my car.

I’m on my way, darling,
I thought and giggled to myself. A stranger watching me would have thought I was crazy.

It did seem like Desiderio had robbed me of most of my sanity.

Chapter 30

It was eight thirty and the fall evening had settled on Wollbach.

I drove straight to the ritzy part of town because I assumed that Desiderio would be at home. He hadn’t mentioned anything to the contrary.

And he was home. The dining room faced the street, and the light was on inside.

My whole body tingled with anticipation as I parked my station wagon and got out. It seemed as if I hadn’t seen Desiderio in weeks.

Still, I knew what I was about to do with him, and the idea alone made my cheeks flush.

Good heavens, what a wonderful lover he was!

As I strode across the front yard, I yearned to scream out with happiness. This man had completely enchanted me. I simply loved everything about him, from his calm voice to his sinewy ankles. Oh yes, his ankles were divine. It was certainly strange how I had never found myself too enthusiastic about that particular body part, but in his case, this small section of him had a particularly erotic effect on me. Granted, everything about him was exceedingly erotic. And unique. And attractive. And . . .

Yes, the effect Desiderio had on me was out of control.

I’d almost reached the front door when I noticed a shadow in the dining room.

What might he be doing in there?

OK, so it wasn’t really nice to peek into other people’s windows after dark, but I just couldn’t resist an opportunity to look at him.

And so I walked up to the window and peered into the dining room.

And froze.

The shadow I had spotted did not belong to Desiderio.

It was a woman with shoulder-length blond hair and breasts that were definitely too large for such a slender figure.

Who the hell was this bimbo?

She was standing in front of the dining room table, stacking used dinnerware. Dinnerware for two. She definitely wasn’t the cleaning lady, because nobody has dinner with his cleaning lady.

And who had cooked dinner anyway? Desiderio? He’d told me yesterday that he never did that, a fact that had made his efforts all the more impressive. Had it been a clever lie?

Right on cue, Desiderio came out of the kitchen. He had a dish towel swung loosely over his shoulder, and he crossed to the blonde to help her clear the table. All the while, the two were chatting cheerfully.

Although I couldn’t make out their words, I suddenly felt ice cold.

Their body language told me that they had known each other for a long time. Their interaction was familiar and relaxed. Even more than that.

I stared at Desiderio tensely.

The expression on his face when he looked at the blonde went right through me. It showed pure affection.

He really liked this woman and enjoyed having her there.

I felt nauseated.

Desiderio must have said something fresh to her, because she responded with feigned indignation and tousled his hair as punishment. They disappeared into the kitchen.

Shocked, I stared into space and tried to make sense of the situation.

Is this the reason he insisted I do something with Vera tonight, just so he could get together with this bitch?

My eyes filled with tears as I realized something.

He had finally vanquished me the day before. He had seduced me and thus had preserved his perfect track record of conquests.

And now I was no longer interesting.

Just one more insignificant woman on his long list of escapades.

I was gripped by disappointment and felt like I was suffocating. My breathing was labored as I tried to clear my thoughts.

I felt a sharp pain in my right hand. I looked down and noticed only then that my fingers had been gripping my car key so tightly that the edges had pierced my skin. I opened my fist and could make out some blood despite the darkness.

What now?

My eyes wandered over to the front door. I had to confront Desiderio. Tell him that he had succeeded. I should congratulate him and take my leave.

Only I couldn’t.

All I wanted to do was to get away. Away from him and his girlfriend.

Without any thought, I turned around and slowly walked through the front yard back to my car.

I was in a trance as I drove back to my apartment, held in the grip of disbelief all the way home. Nothing could penetrate the fog that led me to my apartment like a zombie.

It was only when I had closed the door behind me and leaned against it in exhaustion that the fog lifted and I let myself collapse. Tears of desperation ran across my face as I sank to the floor and hugged my knees.

I had screwed up.

I had trusted the wrong person.

Again.

How could I have been so dumb? Why, despite all my misgivings, had I trusted this pretty boy?

And what was wrong with him anyway? Did he not have a conscience?

He had toyed with me the entire time. Had focused on his goal, which was to seduce me, as though there were prize money involved.

And now I had to pay dearly for that.

Desiderio should really be nominated for an Oscar. His acting skills were exquisite. He had lied to me and I had fallen for him, hook, line, and sinker. Not even hearing my story could make him stop. He had just pretended to care, with no actual regard for me or my feelings.

Had he ever made an explicit statement of commitment?

No, no matter how poetic and romantic his statements had been, he had never expressed any profound feelings for me, let alone told me that he loved me.

I hadn’t done that either, but for a different reason. I was not so eloquent as he.

I got out my cell phone and managed to text Vera with my trembling hands:

He cheated on me.

He had. In every way.

And he had destroyed me.

I could feel the shards of my heart as they pierced my diaphragm with every breath I took.

Vera didn’t bother answering me, instead showing up on my doorstep not even ten minutes later. When she tried to open the door, she encountered me still sitting against it and had to push me along the floor to get it open.

She squeezed through the narrow opening and looked at me.

“What happened?”

I tried to answer but could utter only a desperate sob.

“Hm.” She gave me her hands and pulled me to my feet. “Come and sit on the couch. I don’t like sitting around on the floor.”

I recalled the scene with Desiderio and me in my bathroom, and immediately I was overcome by another crying spell.

Vera urged me to sit down on the couch, covered me with a blanket, and brought me some herbal tea.

“So tell me, from the beginning: What happened?”

“I saw him. With another woman,” I blurted out with a stifled sob.

“When and where was that?”

“Just now. In his house.” I wiped my tearstained face in exhaustion. “I wanted to go to him, and I thought I’d surprise him because he would be home anyway. And then I was about to go in when I saw a woman in his dining room.” I was racked by quiet sobs before I could go on. “They were clearing the table, so they’d had dinner together. And I’m pretty darn sure she wasn’t his cleaning lady!”

“Well now, so am I. But maybe it was just a friend?” Vera suggested diplomatically.

I sniffled in disgust. “Oh come on, a friend? Most definitely not. You didn’t see how he looked at her. That’s not the look you give a friend. There was more involved. Affection, love, or what the hell do I know?” My voice failed me and I buried my head in a sofa cushion.

“Are you really sure? I mean, maybe you’re seeing things that aren’t there?”

“No!” I screeched into the cushion. “I know what I saw!”

Vera gave the matter some thought while I began to cry again.

“I just can’t believe it, Lena,” she said softly after a while. “There’s something you’re missing. You have to talk to him.”

I shot up and looked at Vera through slits for eyes. “You just can’t accept that you were wrong this time, can you? The infallible Vera was wrong for a change.”

“Hey, stop taking this shit out on me, OK?” she said and raised her finger threateningly. “It’s a good thing I know you well enough not to take everything you say seriously when you’re upset.”

“I’m so sorry.” I instantly got the hiccups. “I have no idea why I’m like that.”

Vera gently stroked my hair. “I think you do know why, sweetie. You’d rather be angry than sad. It’s understandable, somehow. Still, you shouldn’t take your anger out on innocents.”

“Yes, I should focus on that douchebag, Desiderio,” I hiccuped.

“No, you should not. At least not until you know the truth.”

I tossed my hair back indignantly. “What do you mean, know the truth? I already know everything! He’s been lying to me the entire time so that he could get me into bed, and the moment I spread my legs, I ceased to be interesting. This piece of shit enchanted me with his beautiful words and his breathtaking appearance, and he played me for a total fool.”

“You’re not a fool. I believed him too. And you know what? I still do. Lena, I cannot accept that someone could lie so convincingly.”

“Marek could.”

“Except that he couldn’t. At the time, you were blindly in love and, unlike the rest of us, unable to see the guy’s true character. We all saw him for what he was, but you were simply too blissful to listen to us. Desiderio is a completely different case. When I spoke to him after your date, I understood immediately that he was serious about you. I’m still sure of it. You have to talk to him!”

“No, I can’t.”

“Then I will.”

“No! That would be too embarrassing. And besides, I don’t want anything to do with him!”

“I see . . . nothing to do with him. All right. How do you imagine your workday? Do you want to resign?”

I was suddenly dizzy. I hadn’t even thought about work yet.

“So you’ll have to deal with this, whether you like it or not.”

I ignored her suggestion. “This is why you can’t date coworkers—especially not cripplingly handsome coworkers! Shit, how could I do this?” My sobs had returned, and I sounded like a little howling coyote. “How could I let him get such control over me?”

The pain of bitter disappointment overtook me. I curled up and fell into a profound depression.

Vera stopped talking to me encouragingly. She knew that there were no words to console me. Still, she supported me by just staying with me. I heard her talking to Sebastian on the phone and telling him that she would be spending the night at my place. Then she got comfortable on the couch next to me and turned on the TV.

For some strange reason, this mundane action felt good, and my tears began to dry. I stared at the screen even though I couldn’t make sense of the colorful images. I had no idea whether it was a documentary or an action film, but the program had a soothing effect on me.

My cell phone beeped loudly. It was still in the hallway, and Vera quietly got up to retrieve it. She looked at the screen and gave me a questioning look.

I knew it must be a message from Desiderio and hesitated at first. But then I nodded and took the phone.

My bed feels so empty when you’re not here. I miss you and am with you in my thoughts. Good night, little warrioress!

His bed felt empty? I doubted it!

Uncontrollable rage overcame me, and I threw my cell phone against the wall, punctuating my action with a scream. It fell to the floor with a crunch of glass, but I didn’t care. I hurled a few couch cushions after it and then jumped up to wander aimlessly around my apartment. Vera watched my outburst with her arms crossed and let me be, though I knew she was ready to intervene if it became necessary.

I stood in the kitchen and stared at the calla lily, which I had placed on the table with the note.

Such beautiful words written in elegant handwriting.

Lies, nothing but lies!

I grabbed the note and tore it into a thousand pieces. Just as Desiderio had done with my heart.

There they lay, all his promises, looking like what they really were. Meaningless bits of paper.

I reached for the vase and was about to destroy it when Vera appeared out of nowhere and gently placed her hand on my arm. She took the vase from me without saying a word and handed me the single blossom. Of course, it would be foolish of me to get broken glass everywhere in my anger.

I took the blossom and slowly mashed the perfect petals with my hand.

Now it was just like me. It had blossomed in all its glory until it was carelessly destroyed after it had fulfilled its purpose.

I could feel my anger subside, ceding again to the dull pain of hurt.

“I’m going to sleep now,” I informed Vera in a quavering voice and left the kitchen.

I was enveloped in deep sorrow as I changed and fell into my bed. My friend bustled around a little longer. I assumed she was cleaning up the traces of my fit.

She came into the bedroom and placed my phone on the nightstand.

“The screen is cracked, but it still works fine. Be glad you don’t have a fancy smartphone. I’ve turned it off, just in case,” she said calmly.

I nodded dimly.

Since Vera wasn’t expecting a thank-you from me anyway, she went to my closet and got a T-shirt to sleep in. Then she set the alarm clock for me, lay down next to me, and turned off the light.

As her breathing became slower and more regular, I lay on my back for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the ceiling and asking myself over and over:
How could Desiderio do this to me?