Arrest-Proof Yourself (46 page)

If you blurt out, “Yeah, man. She dug it!” or something to that effect,
you just confessed to statutory rape
. Years in the slammer! Remember, the only defense allowable in court in most states is that sex never happened—period. So when you’re being interrogated about sex with an underage girl, give police your legal name and address, then clam up. Put a sock in it. Shut the heck up!
Speed dial your attorney!
Your butt’s in hot water and the Popo will be turning up the heat.

GET THE LICENSE—FAST!

You must do two things to arrest-proof yourself. First, find out the age of consent in your state. Make sure you get information on the “young love” exception if you’re near the girl in age. Second, and most important, check that your girl is of age in the following manner:

ASK FOR A DRIVER’S LICENSE.

Why a driver’s license? Because it’s a hard ID to fake. This sounds easy, but it isn’t. Imagine. You’re in the bedroom. The candles are burning and the cover is drawn. The girl is opening her arms and whispering, “Love me” in musical tones that reverberate to the dawn of time. There’s hardly any
thinking
going on. So timing is crucial. You’ve got to get the ID before the coital avalanche, and the earlier the better.

Often the girl will protest. “Don’t you trust me?” The answer is “of course, I do, but . . .” In sex, as in nuclear arms control, the watchwords are “trust but verify.” Since it’s nearly impossible to think when your blood is boiling with lust—excuse me—love, here are some magic words to say to winkle out the all-important ID. They’re sappy, but women love it sappy: “Darling, our love is strong, and we’ve got to be strong. Showing me your license is the strongest proof that you love me, and that what we’re doing is right, so very, very right. If you’re too young, we can wait. Our love will only get better, sweeter, and closer over time.”

After you say these words, if no license is forthcoming or if she’s too young, whisper a sweet goodbye and then
run like hell
. Don’t go back. No calls. No letters. No nothing. Do you know what cops call love letters and messages left on answering machines to minor girls?
Evidence
.

Obviously you should know who you’re having sex with. Have you considered abstinence?

Here’s another suggestion:
older women
. Since you may have missed this in biology class, women reach their sexual peak at the end of their childbearing age.

SMACK YOUR WOMAN AND YOU’LL DO A STRETCH

In centuries past, male “correction” of female behavior was administered with the back of the hand and accompanied by appropriate roars and bellows. In the 21st century, “behavioral correction” of the female has different names. Bellowing is called domestic disturbance. The back of the hand is known as domestic battery. Both will get you arrested and jailed in a hurry.

Tough enforcement has good and bad consequences. On the one hand, many women and men avoid serious injury. On the other, states now intervene early in disputes. Arguments that once might have been resolved by participants now result in arrests and imprisonment. Participants are consigned to the social services plantation. Children are removed from parents and dumped into hellish foster homes. Men are sentenced to anger-management classes, and all and sundry are psychoanalyzed, cataloged, and managed by government employees. The arrests, and all too often the voluminous social services and medical records, get into the electronic plantation, where they are accessed by prospective employers, ex-spouses, and civil litigants. A few yelling matches can rapidly become a criminal, social, psychological, and financial fur ball.

Men and women argue. They yell. It may be a natural occurrence, but it can also be a crime. Here’s another problem. Domestic-dispute laws are enforced most strongly against the poor and the clueless for a simple reason—thin walls. In apartments, sounds carry through walls, and neighbors call the cops. In freestanding houses, especially expensive houses with wide lawns and thick, well-insulated walls, shouts and screams are inaudible. Nobody complains. Nothing happens.

DON’T TALK,
WALK !

Here are arrest-proofing procedures for staying free after arguments with women.

1. When an argument gets loud, assume that the police have been called and are on the way.

2. Shut up. Do not utter any sound whatsoever.

3. Turn on your heel. Walk to the door and leave. Do not be present when police arrive, because in an angry state you’ll argue, confess, flee, lie, and otherwise give cops reasons not only to arrest you, but also to pile on charges.

4. Do not get into your car. In an angry state you’re likely to get into an accident or get pulled over for a traffic violation. In addition, the woman may describe the car and give the license plate number to police, who will then issue a BOLO (be on the lookout) notice for your vehicle. Cops can find a car more quickly than they can find a person on foot who has a head start. So leave on foot and keep going.

5. Walk quickly, but do not run. Running attracts attention. If possible, go to a restaurant, bar, or convenience store where you can sit down and cool off.

6. Call someone who can take you someplace to stay.

7. Retrieve your car the next day. Do not talk with the woman. Just get in and drive—slowly and lawfully.

8. Do not talk with the woman for at least three days. Let your emotions subside so you can think. Telephone calls, answering machine messages, or notes may be considered stalking, another crime. Avoid all communication.

9. If you merely had a loud argument, you will likely remain free. If you struck or injured the woman, you will be arrested (your attorney can find out if you have an outstanding warrant). Police will take photographs of bruises and injuries, and these and the woman’s testimony are enough to convict you in most states. By leaving, you at least avoid confessing to police or committing add-on offenses, so the charges will be less serious and less well documented. This will help your defense.

10. Once you leave a woman after an argument, think seriously about your situation. If you and the woman argue frequently and have to live in an apartment, you almost certainly will be arrested at some point. If you cannot live with the woman quietly, you must leave and stay gone.

Abandon possessions rather than risk an argument that will lead to jail. This is important. I’ll repeat it:
Abandon all possessions
. Your crappy stereo, dirty clothes, scratchy CDs, and cheapo fishing rods are not worth an encounter that can lead to prison. Don’t get steamed that your soon-to-be-ex has your stuff. Think of it this way. She’s now the proud possessor of

a crappy stereo

scratchy CDs

dirty clothes

fishing rods smeared with worm goo and rotting shrimp and squid

Say to yourself, but not to her,
^“
Congratulations, honey. Enjoy it while you can. I’m off to Wal-Mart to refit with all new stuff.” If your ex insists on holding onto your tighty-whiteys with the tire tracks in the middle, more power to her. She can frame ’em and hang ’em on the wall.

Ladies, this goes for you, too.

Communicate about child custody, real estate, and bank accounts through attorneys. If you are married, file for divorce. Avoid going to hearings, if your presence is not legally required, and let attorneys handle everything. Most important, do
not
be in the woman’s presence without a witness. Do not send e-mails or letters that contain threats or that might become evidence against you in criminal and civil proceedings.

You must consider these possibilities when you are subject to arrest for domestic disturbance and battery.

The woman might lie and induce others to lie.

The woman may injure herself before police arrive so as to increase the charge against you from misdemeanor disturbance to felony battery.