Arrest-Proof Yourself (45 page)

Your defense costs will skyrocket.

CRY—TRAGICALLY, COPIOUSLY!

When you’re on the verge of being arrested, some humiliation and self-abasement may help. If you feel like crying, do so. Let the tears really flow, especially at night. Toss in some sobs and moans just to be sure. Don’t waste time worrying about what your friends will think. Remember, if they’re with you, they’re getting arrested too. If they aren’t, what they can’t see they can’t know. So let the tears flow. Cops are not inhuman, and they can take pity. As you cry, however, don’t beg for police to let you go;
beg for a notice to appear
. This has a much higher chance of success.

BARF, PEE, POOP

If nothing else has worked so far, you can try this last and most extreme measure. Foul yourself so that the police will consider setting you free in order not to get their cruiser nasty. If you’ve been drinking, throw up all over your shirt, not on the ground. If you’re wasted, this may be impossible because of marijuana’s antinausea effects. But don’t stop here. Pee down your legs and poop—that’s right, I said poop—into your pants. After you do it, you must tell the officers what has happened. They can see you vomit, but you’ll have to inform them of what else you’ve done
before
they put you into the cruiser. So say the following, preferably through tears:

“I’ve pooped my pants and pissed on myself.”

In extreme emergencies, this is worth trying. If the police let you go, you can shower off at home. If they do arrest you, you will spend several miserable hours during processing, but ultimately you will get hosed off and issued jail dungarees. Although disgusting, fouling yourself is preferable to going to jail. In any case, feces, urine, and vomit are water soluble and wash out easily. You don’t even have to lose a set of clothes. But being arrested is permanent.

POLICE BRUTALITY

Police are better trained, more disciplined, and more honest today, but brutality does occur. Police officers are trained to fight, shoot, and kill, and to become violent instantly if they feel threatened. In a big-city force of tens of thousands of police officers, it would be unusual if a few were not sadists or uncontrollably violent.

By following the procedures in this book, especially by being submissive and polite while police ask questions, you minimize the possibility of brutalization. However, if police start beating you, there is only one thing to do:
curl up into a fetal ball and protect your head with your arms
. If you are already handcuffed with your hands behind you, try to wriggle your head under the police cruiser for protection. You can survive a tremendous beating, but if you are kicked and beaten in the head, you may be killed or seriously brain damaged.

Once you get stabilized in the hospital, get busy. Have yourself photographed, preferably before and after surgery, with and without bandages.
Call your lawyer. Do this at once. Do not delay
. Your attorney may need to file motions with the court to get evidence. You can sue the city and win a substantial amount of money. It will not be easy. The cops and the city will cover their fannies with every trick in the book. City employees will suddenly have difficulty remembering things. Documents will get lost. On the positive side, there are so many people carrying video recorders, digital cameras, and cell phone cameras that it is possible that your beating was recorded or photographed. Some police cruisers are equipped with video cameras. All of this evidence can be subpoenaed and used in your lawsuit and in defense of your criminal indictments.

If you prevail in court, you will get payback. The cops involved will be fired, indicted, and sent to prison. The city will have to pay you big bucks. Abner Louima, who had his intestines ruptured when New York police sodomized him with a toilet plunger, has recovered and returned to his native Haiti. The millions he won in court have allowed him to live a life of luxury in a magnificent home. His donations to charities have made him a local hero.

Yes, there is justice in America. But let me plead with you:
Do not
antagonize cops. They are armed and dangerous. Never forget this.

22

WHEN GIRLS TELL A TALE THAT SENDS YOU TO JAIL

T
his chapter is addressed to men. It will infuriate women. Written with a testosterone-dipped pen, it discusses sex and crime from a man’s point of view. It advises men
how to defend themselves against women
, but it does so by urging them to be aware of and obey certain laws. Here, as with drug use, society and the criminal justice system are heading in different directions. Society appears to be more tolerant of sex, yet the cops and courts now arrest and prosecute men
¹⁵
for behaviors that years ago were either ignored or considered noncriminal. I’m talking specifically about two offenses that are jamming the jails.

1.
HAVING SEX WITH MINORS

2.
YELLING AT AND HITTING WOMEN

Guys, you need to listen up, because either of these offenses can get you hammered with a long stretch in prison and a lifetime on the electronic plantation. As an added bonus, you could get listed, with your very own photo, on bulletin boards of sexual predators so that your neighbors will hate and fear you forever.

The states have their reasons for aggressively arresting men. They have had it with the social chaos caused by unwed mothers. Thus they enforce statutory rape (sex with minor girls) laws with a vengeance. As to strict enforcement of laws against domestic disturbance and domestic battery, prosecutors point out that murders of women drop
by half
when these laws are strictly enforced.

Most men have no idea how seriously offenses against women are viewed by cops, prosecutors, and judges. These laws are often enforced by
female
police officers,
female
prosecutors, and
female
judges. Some of these women are on a mission from God to make men miserable. Getting scared yet? You should be.

These laws are are vigorously enforced, and you have to deal with them. Ignorance can be disastrous. Getting savvy and arrest-proofing yourself is the only defense.

JAIL BAIT

You may be OK with bopping underage ladies, but legislators, judges, and cops are not. Nothing about this is simple. The age of consent, which in standard English means the age at which a girl can have consensual sex with you without your being at risk of going to jail, varies from state to state. Many states have a “young love” exception, so if you’re a year or so older than the girl, you may not be in violation. Generally, however, if you’re 20 or older, and your girl is 17 or younger, your young sweetie pie is jailbait.

“But what’s the problem?” you retort. “The girl loves me. She’s happy. The sex is not only mind blowing, but consensual. Here are her love letters to prove it. Those little hearts she draws above the letter i are as cute as lace pants.” Alas, there are problems with all this.

Underage girls cannot legally consent to have sex, just as they cannot legally enter into binding contracts or be held liable for debts. Weirdly, many states allow a single exception to the inability of minor girls to give legal consent—abortion. That’s right, guys. The girl can consent to
abort
her baby, but she cannot consent for you to
make
her baby!

Your young darling, no doubt glowing with love and exuding health and pheromones, generally wants to talk to other women about the rapturous sex she’s enjoying. Women have to share experiences for them to be fully real. Alas, these feminine interlocutors generally are the girl’s mother or best friend, and these guardians cannot
wait
to dial 911 and rat you out to the cops.

Sex with a minor is a “strict liability” offense. In standard English this means there
ain’t no defense
except one: “It didn’t happen.” The fact that sex was consensual means
nothing
in court. If the girl lies, shows a fake ID, or deceives you into having sex, it’s not admissable in court. Likewise, any imputations about her character are inadmissable too. Your only hope of dismissal or acquittal is if the girl lies or refuses to testify.

Statutes define sex with a young girl as sordid. Lovemaking becomes statutory rape. Soft caresses and butterfly kisses are called lewd and lascivious conduct. Get the picture?

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Read the following carefully. I’m going to tell you about an old cop trick that gets you to unknowingly confess to statutory rape and dump yourself in the can before you even realize it. Once it is established that the girl you allegedly had sex with was underage, the cops will always ask, in a calm, man-to-man tone, “Well, did she agree to it?”