Arrest-Proof Yourself (18 page)

THE PROBLEM WITH REAL BAD GUYS

Real bad guys share one characteristic: they’re hard to catch by cops driving around in cars. Here’s my beef with proactive policing as currently practiced. For every big crook caught, thousands of petty offenders get hammered for smoking weed, flipping off a police officer, and playing their stereos too high. Processing these people endlessly through the criminal justice system is abusive, not to mention expensive. Too many people’s rights get trampled.

The only way to catch big crooks without filling up stadiums with petty offenders is the hard way—more investigations, more undercover work, more paid informants, more phone taps, more hidden video and sound recording. This is tough, expensive, and dangerous, but it’s the only technique that nets big fish only and results in solid prosecutions and long prison sentences. When the prosecutor goes to trial with videos of the bad guys unloading the swag and scooping up the money, not even an attorney as talented as I can get them off!

Let’s talk about drug distribution for a moment. Do you really think America’s drug habit is supplied by jerks who sneak in a kilo through the airport or wade across the Rio Grande with a bag taped to their bellies? Think again. America gets its cocaine and heroin by the shipload and the truckload. West of the Rockies, drugs are supplied by tractor trailers that roar across the Mexican border. Customs officials on both sides are only too glad to take the cartels’ bribes and avoid the hail of bullets that goes to noncooperators. As a Mexican customs officer told my coauthor, “I see these trucks all the time. I just wave them on and say, ‘America is over there.’ I’m not going to get machine gunned because gringos are drug addicts. Not my problem.”

On the East Coast, 44,000-pound containers of dope are off-loaded into the major ports and simply driven away to a town or city near you. Paid-off longshoremen hook up the rigs, and all too often crooked cops provide security. Cops will never catch these guys by busting hip-hoppers with a bag in the glove compartment. How about the really big fish, the billionaire drug lords in Colombia, Afghanistan, Bolivia, Mexico, Pakistan, and Russia? They never set foot in the United States and are beyond the reach of police. All too often, the war on drugs consists of busting people like you in an attempt to clear drugs off the streets one doobie at a time.

This, my friends, is the problem. The biggest criminals share many of the same qualities that bring success in the straight world: intelligence, discipline, persistence, savvy, and the quality of not being clueless.

OK, what’s this got to do with you? Simple. A life of crime does have a few problems.

1. You have to live with, and do business with, other crooks. They will cheat you, steal from you, and kill you if you annoy them.

2. Your chances of becoming a rich, super-savvy crook who enjoys the fruits of a life of crime and dies in bed of old age are about as remote as your chances of winning the lottery.

3. Cops are not stupid. The number of career criminals not in jail by the age of 30 is low.

4. Jail stinks.

You want to think about these drawbacks, and think hard, before you embark on a life of crime.

5

GET ON BOARD WITH THE CLUELESS HORDE

T
he clueless horde? Say hello to yourself. You’re a member. It couldn’t be otherwise because, except for cops, prosecutors, judges, attorneys, and other insiders,
everyone
to some degree is clueless about criminal justice. People who are savvy in business can be clueless abut criminal justice. The clueless, regardless of race, education, and income, are the chow that gets processed endlessly through the criminal justice sausage grinder. The clueless are the foundation of the criminal justice empire.

Getting a bit sleepy here? Well, guzzle some strong coffee or a Jolt cola, prop open the eyelids with toothpicks, and grab a pencil. Feel free to scribble in the margins, underline, and make notes.

The bad news? Cluelessness is what gets the overwhelming number of petty offenders arrested. The good news? Cluelessness is not a state of nature. It’s a set of behaviors. You can get wise and get less clueless. You can choose
not
to do stupid stuff that sics the cops on you.

First, I’ll detail clueless behaviors. Then I’ll discuss how to change them. As I said before, everyone is to some extent ignorant about criminal justice. Heck, the cops themselves do stupid stuff that gets them busted all the time. So, as you read this chapter, note clueless behaviors that you have. Think about them. Then get busy changing them. Remember, to stay free you only have to get less clueless for the
few minutes
you’re in front of cops, judges, and probation officers. This buys you the years you need to get less clueless about life in general.

While you ponder cluelessness, think about freedom. It’s wonderful; it’s a narcotic. Imagine how life will be when you don’t fear getting busted, when you have a real future that will not be ruined by a sentence on the electronic plantation.

CLUELESS BEHAVIORS

PROBLEM 1: BAD MANNERS.
The number one thing the clueless do is to act out in front of cops. They hit cops, curse, run away, or do something else that turns a conversation into an arrest and a misdemeanor into a felony. Cops are the archetypal representatives of the American middle class. They expect people to be reasonably polite and obedient to authority, and they punish those who aren’t.

SOLUTION:
Get polite in front of cops. You only have to be polite for a few minutes—that’s all. Once the cops leave, you’re free. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to practice being polite to attorneys, prosecutors, judges, and probation officers, but one thing at a time. Remember, just five minutes of polite behavior in front of a cop can free you for life. So how about “yes, officer” instead of “fuck you, motherfucker”? Is that so much to ask?

PROBLEM 2: LOUSY PAPERWORK.
Because of illiteracy, depression, obstinacy, or some other cause, clueless people are forever committing the crime of ignoring official paperwork. When they fail to appear in traffic court, for example, a traffic ticket can become, in some states, a bench warrant, which gets clueless types arrested. Showing up in court and complying with the terms of probation are, for the highly clueless, nearly impossible.

SOLUTION:
Paperwork is crucial. Start reading your mail. Get someone to read it to you if you do not read well. Get teachers, religious leaders, family, and friends to explain things you do not understand. To stay free in America, you have to pay taxes, obtain driver’s licenses, get car insurance, pay fees, show up in court, meet with your probation officer, pay traffic tickets, etc. All of this stuff comes in the mail. Read it.

PROBLEM 3: NO TIME MANAGEMENT.
Clueless people don’t have watches, alarm clocks, and calendars. They show up late or never at judicial hearings, behavior modification classes, drug court, and meetings with probation officers. This gets them pursued by cops and bail bondsmen and rearrested. Not showing up is often a more serious offense than the one for which the poor devils were busted originally.

SOLUTION:
Get a watch, for heaven’s sake. The Chinese plastic jobs are five bucks. For a buck more you can get an alarm clock at Wal-Mart. Grab one of the cheapo calendars off the hook while you’re there. Think of watches and alarm clocks not as annoyances that spoil your fun but as freedom tools. To stay free, you’ve got to wake up, dress up, and show up—on time—before judges, probation officers, drug courts, drug test labs, and so forth. Being on time at work, school, and church isn’t a bad idea either, but you
have
to be on time before people who can throw you in jail if you’re late. Parents, make sure each of your children has a watch, a calendar, and an alarm clock. Don’t forget to get a sack of batteries to keep those little boxes ticking. Want to stride toward freedom? Set the alarm!

PROBLEM 4: LOW SOCIAL BACKUP.
Clueless people are often alone in the world, with few family, friends, and acquaintances and not much money. They are less able than others to encounter cops without getting arrested and to mount a stout legal defense. They have few if any responsible adults to teach them how to behave. People with sound families and numerous friends are far more arrest proof and prosecution resistant.

SOLUTION:
Family and friends are everything. Facing the world alone is only heroic in stupid Hollywood movies. In the real world, you’ve got to have family and solid citizen friends. You can’t stand alone and expect to stay free. When the worst happens and you’re in jail, who are you going to call? Not the homies and
carnales
and bros you were messing around with—because they’re probably in the adjoining cell.

If you don’t have a good family, this makes things tougher, but not impossible. Ministers, priests, rabbis, and imams; social club leaders; athletic coaches; and teachers can provide the social backup you need. These solid citizens, even though they may bore you, do have some skills you don’t. They know how to

work with the system

live in freedom unhassled by cops

So next time you’re at the family get-together, be sweet to Grandma and laugh at your uncle’s corny jokes. Be polite to adults and leaders. Forgive them their hopelessly unhip and uncool style, and soak up some of their know-how and wisdom. Being able to distinguish between style and substance is a sure way to become less clueless.

PROBLEM 5: LOUSY CARS.
Clueless people ride around in cop magnets—cars with broken lights and smoking tailpipes; and no valid licenses, tags, and insurance. Too often they have controlled substances in these beaters. Police do not generally need a warrant to search a car, so for the clueless, a traffic ticket becomes a ticket to jail. Because traffic stops are the most important component of the police dragnet that sweeps through your city 24/7, I’m devoting Part III of this book to this important subject.

SOLUTION:
Cars have two types of problems that make them cop bait—mechanical and paperwork. You know you have to fix the mechanical and safety stuff—headlights, taillights, turn signals, squealing brakes, smoking tailpipe, bald tires, etc. What you may not know is that, in the computer age, cops can pull up behind you, run your tag through their onboard computers, and instantly discover any paperwork problems (suspended licenses, expired insurance, unpaid tickets) that allow them to stop and search you and your car. You do not want cops doing this. So get your heap street legal and get the paperwork letter perfect with all fines, fees, and insurance premiums paid. This costs money. Get used to it. Freedom isn’t free.

PROBLEM 6: NO ADDRESS.
The clueless often do not have a mailing address. They “stay at” friends’ houses at night and hang out during the day. They can’t easily receive official notices, and are forever committing administrative crimes (failing to appear in court, violating probation, driving with a suspended license or expired tag) of which they are often unaware. Administrative crimes recycle them endlessly through the criminal justice sausage grinder. Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!

SOLUTION:
Not having an address is an emergency. It means that official paperwork from judges, probation officers, the car insurance company, and the motor vehicle bureau isn’t reaching you. Failing to do paperwork can land you in jail and ruin your life. What to do? Get an address—fast. If you have a few bucks, get a post office box either with the postal service or with a private parcel company. If you’re absolutely broke, many city missions, churches, and social service agencies will allow you to pick up mail at their addresses.

PROBLEM 7: NO ATTORNEY.
Clueless people don’t understand how to find, use, and pay for attorneys. They’re represented by overworked, underpaid public defenders and naturally spend much time in public jails. Defend that!