April Shadows (16 page)

imagined the attraction was simply the excitement of being on your own. To me, it was a little disappointing. I imagined Mama wouldn't have been very impressed, either.
"I'm supposed to call Mama as soon as I got here," I remembered.
"Then what are you waiting for? Call her," Brenda said, handing me the phone.
I tapped out our number quickly and waited. It rang and rang. Brenda raised her eyebrows and stepped closer. Finally, Mama picked up.
"It's me. Mama. I'm here at the dormitory." "Oh, how nice. You had a good trip. then?"
"Yes, it was easy. How are you?"
"I'm fine." she said. "The pain is not so bad now."
"Let me speak to her," Brenda demanded. and I handed her the phone. "Mama, what's wrong? Why didn't you come?" She listened. "You never told me any of this. No. no. I'm not angry," she said. "I will. She's fine. We'll take good care of her." she added, looking at me. "Okay, Mama. We'll call you right after the game and tell you about it. I hope so. Celia and I will come see you as soon as we can, I know, but we want to." she said. "Okay. Call you later," she concluded, and hung up.
"I'm sure it's all psychosomatic." Celia said.
Brenda nodded, Then she looked at me as if she had just realized I had arrived. "Look at you. A bigshot teenager now," she said. and poked me in the shoulder. Celia laughed.
"Let's get you settled in the guest room, and then we'll show you around," Celia said.
"Thanks." I looked at Brenda. She had a tight smile on her face.
"I'm glad vou're here." she finally admitted. "You'll see us whip their asses good."
Finally. I could smile, too.
The guest room just had a single bed, a dresser, and a desk and chair in it. It had one curtained window. I put my bag in the closet, and we went off immediately to grab some lunch at one of their favorite places. Brenda ate lightly. I wanted to have one of the big burgers. but I ordered a salad as well. Brenda immediately started in on me about my regained weight.
Before I could offer any excuses. Celia went into a long explanation about why some people are self-destructive. She concluded by saying, "April's problem isn't hard to see. Brenda. She has low selfesteem at the moment and needs to be reassured about herself. It's a crazy cycle. April," she said, turning to me. "You don't receive compliments, so you don't take care of yourself, and therefore, you don't receive compliments. You reinforce your low self-esteem without realizing you're doing that."
"Are you sure you don't want to go into psychology?" Brenda asked her. "You haven't met anyone you didn't want to analyze,"
"Maybe I will, Look, this situation is classic. Your sister grew up in a house where you were the star. You were getting all the accolades. Brenda."
"She could have tried harder. She was lazy. She's still lazy," Brenda said. She didn't look at me. The two of them were discussing me as if I weren't even there,
"It's not laziness. exactly." Celia said. "Oh, what is it then. Doctor?"
"Well, you told me yourself how your teammates wouldn't try very hard if they fell too far behind. You said you felt all alone out there many times. Well, she's just fallen too far behind."
Brenda thought a moment and then just shook her head and smiled at Celia. "You're too smart for your own good. You know that?'
"Of course, I know that. You just said I was too smart."
The two of them laughed. Celia leaned forward and wiped some salad dressing off Brenda's cheek. They stared at each other for a moment and then. finally. Brenda looked at me.
"I've got to rest a bit and then go limber up in the vim. Celia will show you around."
"I don't have to see anything," I said.
"I'll just take you for a walk around the school," Celia said. "Brenda says you'd like to see the library."
I shrugged, and Brenda smirked. "You know why you don't have any energy or interest in anything, April'? You're not trying. You're using Mama as an excuse not to join anything."
"No. I'm not." Tears came to my eyes.
"Do we have to do this now?" Celia said. "You have a lot on your mind,"
"You're right. Okay, do what you want. Let's go," Brenda said, and signaled for the check.
Her mood changes were driving me crazy. I couldn't tell if she hated the sight of me here or was glad I had come despite everything.
"She pretends she's so cool, but she's really nervous about the game," Celia whispered.
When we returned to the dormitory, Brenda went directly up to their room. She hadn't said a word all the way back. Celia stood beside me in the parking lot, watching her go into the building. Her eyes narrowed with concern.
"I'm a little worried about her with all that's on her mind. I mean, your mother and all," she added. "I think I had better spend some time with her. I can tell when she's really uptight. There's a rec room on the first floor, two doors down on the right. Why don't you watch some television or read for a while. and I'll come down as soon as I can?" she said. "Is that all right?"
"Yes," I said. surprised. Brenda never had shown nervousness before any of the tournaments or big games she had played when she was at home. How was Celia able to tell what was under her skin if I couldn't Or Mama couldn't? And why wouldn't she want me to be there as well to help cheer her up and comfort her? I really felt like an outsider.
The rec room was bigger than I expected, but there was only one girl in it, watching television. She sat on the settee with her feet up, her shoes off. She didn't look much older than I was. and I wondered if she was a student or a guest like me. Could she have a sister here who was also on the basketball team? I saw she was watching a soap opera, and she was so involved in it she barely gave me a glance.
I plopped into the chair near the settee.
"He's lying, you know," she said without taking her eyes off the television set.
"Excuse me?"
"Dirk," she said, looking at me quickly. "Amanda is carrying his baby."
I looked at the set and realized she was speaking about the characters on a soap opera.
"Oh."
"Don't you watch Rainbow of Dreams?" The commercial started.
"No. I'm not familiar with it. I don't really watch much television in the afternoon. My mother used to watch soaps, but she hasn't for some time."
"I don't see how she could stop. It's like an addiction. I actually scheduled my classes around Rainbow of Dreams."
"Oh, you're a student?"
"Of course. What do you think. I just come here to watch television?" She laughed and tilted her head and looked at me. "Now that you mention it, who are you?"
"I'm Brenda Taylor's sister. I drove to Memphis to watch her play in the championship basketball Zame."
"Oh, Brenda," she said. "I didn't know she had a sister." she added, glancing at the set. "No one knows much about BC."
"BC? Why do you call her BC? Her name is Brenda Taylor."
"Brenda and Celia. BC. Everyone calls them BC around here. They stick to themselves. Literally," she added.
I felt the blood rush into my face. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," she said. She held up her hand. "I never said a word."
"Maybe they just don't like the choice of potential friends," I snapped back. and got up.
She looked at me as if I were from another planet, but the commercials ended, and the building could be on fire and she wouldn't care or turn away again. I was annoyed with her and with being relegated to the rec room while Celia cheered up my sister. I marched out and went to the stairway. Mama had said that two sisters who had gone through as much as we had gone through needed each other. I should be the one up there with Brenda. not Celia.
I hurried up the stairway and down the hallway to their room. Maybe I should have knocked first. I wasn't thinking. Mama's sudden illness and change of heart, the drive, all the tension between Brenda and me, my feeling so lost, all of it put so much turmoil into my mind that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and certainly not whether I had made a big error coming here myself.
Of course. I wondered why they didn't lock their door. When I turned the handle and it opened, the last thing I thought was that would be a problem. I didn't enter. however. I simply stood there stupidly gaping.
Totally naked. Brenda was on her bed. faceup. Celia was straddling her and rubbing some sort of cream into her shoulders and her arms and then over her breasts. What made it look even stranger to me was that Celia was in her panties and naked from the waist up herself. Neither of them had heard the door open. Brenda gazed to her left and saw me.
"April!" she cried. "Close the door!"
Celia shifted and turned to look at me. She looked quickly at Brenda and then back at me.
"Why didn't you wait downstairs in the rec room?" she asked.
"There's only one girl down there, and she's watching some stupid soap opera." I swallowed hard and then asked, "What are you doing?"
"She's giving me a massage,' Brenda said. 'Go take a walk or something."
The two of them continued to stare at me. I wanted to ask why the person giving the massage had to be almost naked. too. I wanted to ask if women usually had their breasts massaged as well. I wanted to ask if all college roommates were as physically intimate as they seemed to be. I wanted to ask so many things, but instead. I turned and left the room quickly.
It wasn't until I was standing in the hallway that I realized my face was flushed and my heart was thumping like a flat tire on a car, each beat ripping under and around my breasts.
Nasty things said to me at school began to submerge from the dark, dank pool of unpleasant memories. Jenna's threat returned. The girl downstairs in the rec room's remark about BC echoed. I actually put my hands over my ears, as though the words were returning from the outside instead of being resurrected from the cemetery of horrid thoughts.
I shook my head and charged down the hallway to the stairs, practically flying over the steps. Then I hurried out of the building and, without knowing where I was going or even thinking of any direction, just walked down the drive and continued along the street.
What was I fleeing? My brain reeled with memories and thoughts, images and tantalizing emotions. Was I shocked? Yes. Did it frighten me? A little, Did it excite me? I didn't want to answer, even if I was answering only to myself.
When Luke touched me in places no one other than my own mother had ever seen. I was shocked and frightened but not tantalized or in any way sexually excited. All I could think of was how to escape.
For a while up there in Brenda and Celia's room. I was mesmerized. I was filled with the erotic exhilaration of a voyeur, especially during those few moments when neither Brenda nor Celia knew I was in the room watching them. Shouldn't I have been disgusted? Why was I so flushed? Why couldn't I get the sight of them out of my mind?
Was I going to be like Brenda? Why didn't I have deeper crushes on boys at school? Why didn't I care more about my appearance, my figure? These questions circled me like a swam of mad bees.
None of us knows who we really art.
I
thought, My father became a different man. Mama had changed so much I hardly recognized her. Brenda was one sort of big sister and person to me, and now she was another. Who was I? Whom would I be most like?
I heard laughter behind me and saw a girl and a boy walking together, holding hands and swinging their arms as they walked. Suddenly, they stopped, and there on the sidewalk in broad daylight, they kissed as if they couldn't take another step forward without doing so. What was that sort of passion like? Would I ever find it?
On and on I walked, until I realized I was getting lost and nearly panicked. If there was one thing I didn't want to do, it was that. I traced my way back, hurrying along. This time. I knocked the door. and Celia opened it. She was in a robe.
"Oh, we wondered where you had gone. You were away so long."
"Where's Brenda?" I asked, seeing she wasn't in the room and the bathroom door was open.
"She's off to the gym. She never eats before a game. Go change into whatever you brought, and we'll walk over to the gym. There's a sandwich shop on the way, and we can have a small bite to eat first, if you want."
"I don't need to eat before the game, either." I said. "Whatever. That's fine."
She reached out to brush some hair off my forehead. and I instinctively pulled back. She held her smile and her hand frozen in the air between us.
"You could do some nice things with your hair. April."
"I'll change," I said.
"If you want to shower first..."
"No, I'm fine," I said.
She still held her smile.
^-.
Are you all right?"
No,
I wanted to say
.I'm not all right. What's going on between you and my sister?
"I said I was fine," I replied instead, and went to my room to change.
I took so long, she came to my door.
"Hey, C'mon, April. I want to show you the campus." she said.
She was dressed in a pair of jeans, with a design made of pearls along the calves, and a tight black top with a black leather jacket. I couldn't deny she was beautiful in a striking way. Anyone's eyes would go to her in a crowd. Why didn't she have a line of boyfriends at her door?
I decided to be petulant.
"How come you don't have a date for the game?" I asked her. I felt smug and confident.
It
was like tossing water in her beautiful face.
She just smiled back instead.
And she said, "I do. You're my date. April."

Maybe it was my overworked imagination, but I thought everyone was looking at us. The young men on and around the campus were obviously drawn to Celia. Why wouldn't they be? She was so beautiful, and it was for sure they weren't looking at me. Celia didn't acknowledge their looks or their catcalls. She seemed to walk through it all like someone walking through fog. Yet that tight small smile never left her lips. I thought she enjoyed her effect on them, but that was all she seemed to do. How could someone so beautiful be so indifferent to them? Wasn't there one who attracted her? Why was beauty so squandered on her? Why couldn't I have that sort of beauty?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw young men wave after us with disgust, clearly saying it was a waste of time to look, to call, even to try to catch Celia's attention. They knew, They knew what I had refused to know. Now, everything I saw and every word I heard reconfirmed the truth building inside me. This isn't my sister's roommate; this is my sister's lover. The constant question swirling around in my mind was, where did I belong in all this?