April Shadows (26 page)

the driveway. The tires squealed as I accelerated and pulled away.
I don't know how I drove home without getting lost or getting into an accident. I was crying so hard at one traffic light that I missed the change, and the drivers in four cars behind me sounded their horns. The angry blasts shot me forward again.
Neither Brenda nor Celia was home when I arrived, which pleased me. I hurried into my small apartment and scrubbed every bit of makeup off my face. I took off Celia's sweater and bra and sprawled on my bed, burying my face in the pillow to stop my sobbing. All I could see in my mind was Peter's look of condemnation and disgust.
Why had I pushed him away so hard and so frantically? Why couldn't I see him and not Luke? Why had I gone to his home, to his room. if I didn't want him to kiss me and make love to me? My own actions confused me as much as I imagined they confused him.
I'm such a little idiot,
I thought.
I'll never be happy.
I didn't fall asleep. I just lay there staring at the ugly bland wall with the glow of my small ceiling fixture spilling gauzelike shadows down to the floor. I felt numb, almost as if I had left my own body, a body I had come to despise. Not only was my body awkward and heavy, it was full of betrayal. It let me dress it up so I could be optimistic about Peter's affections toward me, and then as soon as he showed desire, my body reacted with reflexes of rejection. It snapped like a body of rubber bands to retreat from his touch, his kiss, his caresses. What good was a body like mine? If I could take a knife and trim it down like a piece of soap being sculpted. I would. I was raging inside, my hands fisted, my teeth clenched, my eves bulzing with anger.
Suddenly, there was a soft knock on my door. At first. I thought it was in my imagination, but I heard it again and again, and then I heard Celia call.
"April?"
"What?"
She opened the door and entered. I forgot I was lying on my bed naked. She stood there a moment staring at me and then closed the door softly.
"What happened?"
I turned my head away. "I made a fool of myself." I mumbled.
She came to the bed and sat beside me, putting her hand on my shoulder,
"How? Why? Everything seemed all right."
"It wasn't. Right from the start, it wasn't," I cried through my tears. "I shouldn't have dressed like that. He thought I was... was a tramp."
"Oh, that's ridiculous. You looked so attractive. Maybe he's just not right for you. This could have been a good thing. April.
"I had such a time with your sister,'" she continued. "I've seen her uptight before, but not like this. It took all this time to calm her down.
Apparently, she had some words with the coach afterward, too. She didn't want anything to eat. She drank too much. I just left her heaving in the bathroom.
"So, tell me what happened. exactly. Where did you go after the game?"
I sighed, sucked in my breath, and turned toward her. "I asked him if he wanted to come here, but he didn't. We went to his house. His aunt wasn't home yet."
"Oh. So he invited you to his home."
"Only to bawl me out and then to... to..."
"To do you, as they say." she filled in, and twisted her lips with sarcasm. "Take advantage?"
"He thought it was what
I
wanted. I thought it was. too."
"So, what happened?"
"I couldn't... I panicked. I... I don't know."
"You're at the age when those feelings are so confusing," she said, her voice softening. "Your body and your mind can easily be on two different tracks, going in different directions. I remember too well having experiences just like the one you had tonight."
"I doubt it."
"Oh, no. There's nothing unusual about what you've just gone through. April. You're actually just exploring, discovering. Don't be discouraged,"
"Some exploration. I practically leaped out of my skin when he started to... to really touch me."
"It just wasn't the right fit," she said, smiling at me, brushing my hair away from my forehead. "Except for yourself and that terrible incident you experienced back in Hickory with those disgusting boys and that girl, no one has ever touched you in these places, right?"
I nodded.
"First, there is the surprise and then the confusion about how you should react. Everyone you speak to and everything you read tells you one thing, and then, perhaps, you discover something new about yourself you never expected. Am I right?'
"Yes," I said. nodding.
She smiled. "The worst thing is, some parents, many people, self-important religious people, especially, tell you these feelings are evil. They make you think your body is dirty for having these feelings. They lay such guilt on you, which only makes it all more confusing and in the end drives people crazy or into doing things that are bad for them. You must not be afraid of yourself," she said.
She stroked my cheeks and then leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. "In your face. I see myself as a young girl," she told me.
She put her hand on my neck and squeezed between my neck and shoulder. "You're so tight. Your body is like a brick right now."
"I know," I said.
"Close your eyes, relax. Let me help you the way I help your sister." she said, and moved so she could help me into a sitting position while she massaged my neck and shoulders. "How's that feel?"
"Good," I said.
"Sure it does." She surprised me by kissing my neck. "Just relax. Let yourself drift. Let your body soak in its own capacity
for pleasure and comfort,"
She spoke so softly, her words and voice hypnotizing. I did relax. Her hands moved over my shoulders. kneading my muscles, softening where I was hard and tight.
'Did he touch you here?" she asked, her fingers moving down over my breasts to my nipples. They hardened instantly.
"Yes."
"And that's when you pushed him away?"
"Yes."
"But right now, you don't want to push me away, do you?"
I thought I was losing my ability to breathe. I couldn't even speak. Her fingers were over and under my breasts, her lips grazing my neck.
"You need to know what this feels like. You need to be prepared," she said. "Just relax. Try to enjoy the feelings. You do enjoy them, don't you?"
I still didn't speak. Confusion made me mute.
She moved so
I
would lie back again, and then she lifted her blouse, undid her own bra, and sat beside me again. I was unable to speak or take my eyes from her breasts. She lifted my hand and brought it to her breast, moving it over her nipple. My arm tightened. but I didn't pull my hand away.
She moaned. "See? See how this can be wonderful if the match is comfortable. You weren't comfortable with him."
I wanted to tell her that wasn't it. I wanted to tell her how I had relived Luke's attack on me and how that had most to do with it, but she was moving over me. kissing me where Luke had kissed me, until she was nearly down to the small of my stomach.
Her fingers moved over the sides of my hips and came around to touch me where, as she had said. only
I
had touched myself.
Just at that moment. the door opened. and Brenda stood there wavering.
I was positive that when someone was shot with a gun or a rifle, this was how they felt. The electric spike that went through my heart and into my spine made me gasp and cry out. Celia sat up. surprised. She saw where I was looking and turned to see Brenda

^{glaring at us. -.}
"Oh," Celia said. "we were just...
"You don't have to tell me what you were
doing. Celia. I think I know what you're doing. You're
both... disgusting." She backed out, slamming the
door. I starred to cry immediately.
Celia rose quickly, put on her bra and her blouse, mumbling to me that
I
shouldn't worry. She
would explain everything.
"She's just still quite drunk." she added, and
left.
I lay there unable to move, my body feeling as
though it had liquefied into a pool of jelly. Until I sat
up, I didn't even realize how hard and fast my heart
was pounding. It was taking my breath away. I
actually thought I might have a heart attack or my
heart would just explode in my chest.
When I stood up,
I
was dizzy. so I had to sit
again and wait. Finally. I was able to go to the
bathroom and throw cold water on my face. I put on
my robe and opened the door just to look at the house.
I heard Brenda screaming at Celia, calling her names,
and then I was shocked to hear her call me names. too.
Her anger was spilling over everyone. She was
running people together, cursing, berating my father,
Mama. Celia and me, coaches, anyone or everyone
she had any contact with. The shouting seemed to go
on for twenty minutes before she stopped and there
was a heavy silence.
Should I go to her?
I wondered.
Should 1
explain?
This wasn't my fault
. I hadn't asked Celia to
come to me. Why does she hate me so much? She'll hate me even more now. Everytime she'll look at me,
she'll see what she saw happening here.
I stepped back and closed the door. Then I sat
on my bed and thought.
Here I was in a school I hated to be in, living in
a small shack, and now rejected by the one person at
the school I thought would like me. Here I was living
with my sister and her lover, and my sister, who was
never really overjoyed about having to care for me,
now saw me as someone evil and disgusting. Whom did I have? Who was I. really? Would I
ever find my name. as Peter predicted? He was so
good for me. He made me think of so many wonderful
things. Now, I couldn't see myself returning to the
chess club and sitting across from him.
What should I call all this, checkmate? Had life.
Bad Luck, proved too difficult to defeat? I had lost
en
passant
. Just passing through here, I had been
thwarted, vanquished, beaten again.
I don't belong anywhere
, I thought.
And then I thought.
I know where I should be. I
know where being nowhere is.
I rose and dressed in a shirt, sweater, jeans, and
sneakers. Then I packed my small bag, making sure to
include Mr. Panda.
It was hours later now, close to four in the
morning. I moved very quickly but very quietly,
crossing the yard and then opening the back door of
the main house as quietly as I could. I tiptoed in and
listened. Brenda was probably dead to the world now,
sleeping off her drunken stupor. However, she would
never sleep off her anger. I knew how she could
harbor hate and wrath so well and for so long. She
was, after all, always a competitor. What had
happened between Celia and me was clearly a defeat
in her eyes. She would never forgive. Her philosophy
was to defeat, defeat, defeat, and never look back at
the enemy you've crippled and smashed.
I moved softly past their bedroom into the
kitchen and, as quietly as I could, opened the drawer
that I knew housed some of the important papers. The
one I was looking for was in there. I had seen it
before. It was toward the bottom. I found it easily and
clutched it in my left hand. Then I went to the pantry
and found the can on the shelf that had our household
funds. There was nearly five hundred dollars. I took it
all.
They'll get more in the morning,
I thought.
They
don't need it.
Again, moving as though I were walking on a shelf of air. I went down the short corridor. I was shocked to discover Celia sleeping in the living room on the sofa. I paused and stared at her for a moment, and then
I
slipped out the front door and hurried to my
car.
When I got in, I took another deep breath and
asked myself if this was truly what I wanted to do. It
is, was my reply.
I turned the key in the ignition, and, without
putting on the headlights. because I knew the glow
would light up the living room and maybe wake Celia.
I backed out of the driveway. Then I turned on the
lights and drove slowly to the corner. I made a right
turn onto the boulevard and headed toward the
highway that would take me west.
On the seat beside me was the paper I had
needed. It was Uncle Palaver's schedule. I knew
where he was now and where he would be tomorrow. Tomorrow had become the most important
word in my mind, because tomorrow. I would be
where I belonged.
Nowhere.
Traveling everywhere. This is why Uncle
Palaver was so happy on the road. I thought. No one
could claim him, and he didn't have to set roots down anywhere. He moved with the wind, when he had a whim, and it was in that movement that he found
comfort and security.
What was it Peter had told Celia when she
asked him if he liked being where he was? "I see the
earth as my home. Anywhere you go, you're under the
same sky."
That's all that mattered, being under the same
sky. The rest of it was just... just window dressing. It had to be wonderful to leave the past behind
and look only to the future.
I used to hate the word soon. I used to hate to
have to depend on tomorrow.
But at this moment, it was the only word that
was full of promise.
Everything else was spoiled by defeat, by
sadness, by mistakes.
So, good-bye, Brenda. Good-bye, memories of
Mr. Hyde. Good-bye, the horror of Mama's death.
Good-bye, the discomfort of an unpleasant new home.
Good-bye to it all.
And hello to tomorrow.
In fact. as I drove on. I could see the light of a
new day creeping up the horizon, driving the shadows
and darkness back into hiding.
Was I just fooling myself one more time.?

Before I left the city proper, I stopped at a gas station and got a map. I sat in the car and studied it, drawing a line from one highway to another until I would reach I-10W and head to Uncle Palaver's next stop on his schedule of performances. El Paso, Texas. It wasn't a place I could drive to overnight. I thought, The night was more than half over, anyway, but it was easier to drive in the darkness somehow, because it heightened my sense of escaping.

I didn't stop at first light, either. I didn't think about being tired, but when it was nearly midday. I realized I was very thirsty and even a little hungry. I pulled off at the next exit and found my way to a fastfood restaurant where they served breakfast in the form of eggs in a muffin. I had some juice and coffee and took a coffee to go. I wanted to drive and drive and drive, because as long as I was moving, I wasn't thinking about what I had done.