Anti-Stepbrother (38 page)

“Kevin came into my life when my mom left. It happened so fast. She was gone, we were burying her, and then
boom
. I had a new family. And that family came with a stepbrother who was my high school crush. He was everyone’s high school crush. I don’t understand it. I can’t really explain it, but I had an aching hole in me, and I used stupid daydreams and fantasies to cover it up.” Still no response. “Have you ever done that? Used alcohol or cupcakes to fill in something you don’t want to feel? That’s what I did, but on an extreme level. I couldn’t handle losing my mom. What daughter can? Especially when she’s fifteen. My mom was gone, and then Kevin was there, and I let it all get out of hand. You have to know that whatever you saw in his bedroom earlier, my feelings for Kevin never had anything to do with him. It was all my mom.”

The ache was still there. I felt it sizzling, burnishing my skin as I talked about it, but it wasn’t as bad. Some of it had lessened. There was still more to come. I knew that. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but Caden could help me.

He just had to be in front of me. He had to be with me.

I bent down, crouching on the balls of my feet, and I wrapped my arms around my knees. My eyes closed, and I whispered into the phone. “I clung to something that wasn’t real. But you, you’re real. You make me feel loved. You make me feel whole. You put me back together.”

I paused. I had to. My lungs needed air, and after filling them up, I opened my mouth to start again.

“It’s been you since you asked if something was wrong with me.” I smiled now, in the midst of all of it. “It’s been you since I hit you by accident in the hall at the frat house.” I hugged my legs even tighter, burrowing my forehead into my knees. “I love you, Caden. It’s been you this whole time. If anyone’s the fairy tale, it’s you.”

I had nothing more. My chest hurt. My lungs hurt. Everything hurt because I’d poured out all I had to him.

There was silence, complete and agonizing silence.

Finally I heard from the phone, “Fairy tales end, Summer.”

Wait—that voice was too close, too loud. I looked up, and he was there. He was gorgeous. His hair was messy, like he’d raked a hand through it, and it made me love him even more. His eyes were fixed right on me, cloudy with emotion.

He was hurting. But why?

I stood, dropped the phone, and went to him. “Caden—”

He shook his head. “Stop.”

I stopped a few feet from him. I wanted to go to him. My body wavered forward, leaning, but I held it back.

“Fairy tales aren’t real.”

My voice broke as I said, “But you are. You’re real life. You’re real.”

I couldn’t lose him.

I moved forward a step. I held my hands to my chest, wrapping them together. “Did anything I said make sense?”

He tried to smile, but it faltered.

I didn’t know if that was a good sign or not.

“I know grief, Summer. Colton’s brain injury didn’t break just him. It broke my whole family. I know what it’s like to grieve and to want to put it off. The difference between you and me? I didn’t hide from it. I felt it. I experienced it, and you still haven’t.”

I frowned. “What are you saying?”

“I think you need time to mourn your mom.”

“Caden.” I reached out for him.

His gaze went to my hand, and for a moment, I thought he was going to take it. He didn’t. He let it hang there.

“Without me,” he said softly.

“What?” Pain sliced through me. “What does that mean?”

He shrugged and put his hands into his pockets. “I want to hold you, and kiss you, and tell you everything is going to be okay. I can’t believe Kevin did that to you. It killed me to see you in his arms, but I get it. I understand what happened now, and I believe you.” He paused, lowering his head a moment. “But I need to ask you a question.”

“Okay.” I was suddenly nervous. My hands grew sweaty. “What is it?”

“Promise you’ll answer honestly.”

“Promise.” My mouth was dry.

“When we were together, did you feel your grief for you mom?”

“I…” The answer was no. I felt none of the pain. I only felt loved. How was that a bad thing, though?

“You promised, Summer.”

I had to answer. “I was only happy when I was with you.”

He closed his eyes and stepped back. “Right there. See, I can’t be with you. You need time, Summer. You have to feel what you lost, and you have to mourn her. You used Kevin to cover that up, and I can’t be the next Band-Aid you use. I won’t do that to us. If you can’t mourn her when you’re with me, you have to do it without me.”

He shook his head and began walking backwards, away from me.

“I’m sorry, Summer. I can’t be with you now.”

Two and a half months later.

I hated February. It was fucking love month.

“Hey.”

Avery didn’t knock, but she hadn’t been knocking since she’d found me in bed, feeling like my insides had been yanked out and dumped in a pile on the floor. That was back in November. I stopped answering the door, and she started letting herself in. We were in a symbiotic relationship.

I looked up from my laptop and watched as she grabbed a bag of chips, then plopped down on one of the beanbags. Those were also new, courtesy of Sheila, who felt bad because I’d been dumped. Kevin had told her, because everyone had told him. It was all over campus.

I’d been dumped.

Caden gave me the boot, but no one knew he did it
for
me. He was giving me time to process the loss of my mom, and I was. There’d been a couple more moments where I felt like I was breaking down, but I knew he was right. It hurt him too. Avery said he called and asked how I was doing every day. I just wished he would call me instead.

To say my step had lost its bounce would be an understatement.

I wasn’t even crawling.

Most days I stayed in my room. That’s how I coped for the first two weeks. Then a phone call from my father reminded me I was in college. Classes were a requirement, apparently. So then my routine became dorm room, class, dorm room, class.

Marcus was in my health class this semester. So was Shayla, my old physiology study partner. We had both been sitting there one day when he walked in.

My lungs had ceased working for a moment. He’d looked so much like Caden in that moment, and I worried he’d leave. He’d stopped, stared at me, and then sat in the empty chair next to me.

I could’ve cried. I was so happy.

He’d patted my leg. “My brother thinks he’s doing the right thing. He’s an idiot.”

Okay. I did start crying.

Marcus pulled his hand away. “Don’t make this weird, okay? I don’t even like it when Avery cries.”

I brushed my tears away quickly, and that night Caden had called.

He’d seemed so quiet. “Marcus told me he’s in your class.”

“He is.”

“He said you’ve lost weight.”

Marcus said the same about him. “Are you okay?”

Caden laughed lightly. “I’m supposed to be the one asking you that.”

I wasn’t okay. I didn’t want to say it, though. I wasn’t ready. I sighed, sinking down on my bed. “I’m trying to let her go, but it’s hard.”

He’d been quiet a moment. “Could you do it if we were together?”

I’d heard the yearning in his voice. I felt it too, but I had to be honest. We’d promised no lies. “I would be distracted by you.”

Another beat of silence. Then, “Let me know when you’re ready. I’ll be here.”

I nodded. I knew he couldn’t see that, but I couldn’t talk. My emotions were choking me, and when he hung up, I’d just curled on my side and hugged the pillow to me.

It wasn’t Caden I’d been holding, not like I’d been dreaming. It was my mom, and in that moment she was there. She’d been holding me right back.

I wanted him back, but it was time I took care of myself first.

“What are we doing for supper tonight?” Avery asked, turning around in my desk chair and separating me from my memories.

I grunted and tossed a package of ramen over my shoulder.

She groaned. “Not again. Please. You need real food, Summer.”

“Noodles are real food. They’re a relative to real pasta, which came from Italy and we know how kick-ass Italian food is. Boom. They’re gourmet badassness.”

She tossed them to the corner. “They’re not, and I’m pulling my friendship card.”

No way. She couldn’t.

I rotated around in my chair to stare at her. “Not the friendship card.”

“Totally the friendship card.”

I pretended to gasp and shudder. Okay, I really did shudder. I’d never admit it, but the ramen wasn’t doing it for me either.

She pulled out a plastic card from her purse and waved it in the air. “This states that when a friend needs an intervention, I can step in. You are long past an intervention.”

“I do everything necessary to sustain my physical and biological needs. Case in point.” I pointed to my water and the fridge. “Liquids. Solids. I go to the bathroom. I sleep. I also uphold higher-function necessities, like class. I go to class… Now,” I added after a moment. “I go now. I had a short hiatus, but that doesn’t count. I go now. That counts.”

Avery wrinkled her nose and scratched behind her ear. “Okay. We’ve been back from break for two weeks, and I’m calling it. We’re going to eat.”

I opened my mouth, ready with an empty promise to order Chinese food, when she added, “But we don’t have to go on campus, not that he even eats there.” She softened her voice. “I was thinking we could go to a restaurant or something.”

“What is this you speak of? A dwelling where they serve many varieties of solids?”

Her lip twitched in a grin. “Yeah, that. You and me, we’re going to dress up, and we’re going to dine like queens.”

“Can I wear a tiara?”

“Without a doubt.” She winked at me as she got up and went to the door. “Thirty minutes, then we’re leaving.”

“Avery?”

“Yeah?”

“Is that really a friendship card?”

She laughed, brandishing the card in the air. “You’re damned straight. It’s a credit card, the best friend a card could be.”

“We should actually make a friendship card.”

“A friend card.” Her smile deepened. “I like it. Let’s do it.” She pointed at me. “Thirty minutes. You can get dressed in two, so I know you can manage.”

I managed. But when we got there, the restaurant was bustling, with people spilling out to the patio in front. I wasn’t even going to pretend we could get in right away. I plopped down on one of the benches.

Avery paused, but I waved her on. “This was your idea. I’m not dealing with that crowd in there.”

She snorted, rolling her eyes. “Nice to see your spunk is coming back.”

I leaned back on the bench. My spunk was always there. It was a part of me. No way would my spunk leave me. I noticed an older lady looking at me. I glanced down. Oh. My legs weren’t crossed. Feeling some of that spunk, I spread them even wider. Take that, old judgmental prude.

She wrinkled her nose and lifted it in the air. Literally.

I was tempted to scratch my balls.

“Summer?” Colton was sitting on the bench next to me.

“Hey.” I sat up. “What are you doing here?”

Was Caden here too? I started to look—

“He’s not here.” He made a sad attempt at a smile. His eyes were dead, and he looked like he’d lost weight. “Sorry.”

“No.” I shook my head. What should I say here? I gestured to the empty spot next to him. “Can I, uh, can I scoot over there?”

He patted the space next to him. “Have at it. I’m hiding from my folks.”

“Your parents are here?” I sat.

He nodded, slumping back the way I’d been earlier. “Our dad came home last night from Beijing, and I believe divorce papers showed up this morning. They had a hellava row last night.”

I winced. “I’m sorry, Colton.”

He lifted a shoulder. “This will get blamed on me, I’m sure.” He gave me a crooked side-grin. “Turns out brain injuries are hard to live with.” He paused. “Or even just be around. People don’t like when they’re lives are upended by something they can’t see.”

Caden had said something similar once before. I remembered his anger and sadness, and seeing the utter defeat in his brother, I covered his hand with mine. “I’m sorry, Colton.”

He patted my hand. “I’m not that torn up about it. It is what it is.”

I didn’t believe him. “Does Caden know you guys are here?”

He shook his head. “He and Marcus don’t even know Pops came home last night. I know Caden’s always there, but he doesn’t need to deal with everything. If I told him, he’d come here and rip into our parents, telling them to suck it up and act like adults. Marcus would just, he’d probably hide with me. We tend to leave the heavy lifting to Caden. It’s not always fair to him.”

I knew Caden wouldn’t want Colton to deal with this. And he’d be pissed if he found out I knew and didn’t tell him. I sighed. “I have to call him, Colton.”

He looked at me, ready to protest.

I stood, clutching my phone, and backed away. “I’m sorry. I have to. If you want to escape, my friend and I will take you.”

Avery came up at that moment, overhearing the last of what I said. She looked at Colton, her eyebrows pinched together. “What’s going on?”