Anthology.The.Mammoth.Book.of.Angels.And.Demons.2013.Paula.Guran (24 page)

“What, I don’t know that? Anyway, it’s not what you’re thinking.” He grinned suddenly, in spite of himself. “She’s not that kind of girl, you ought to be ashamed. It’s just she wants to help, to inspire, that’s what muses do. I don’t mind her messing around with my mess in the studio – I mean, yeah, I mind it, but I can live with it. But the other day—” he paused briefly, taking a long breath “—the other day she wanted to give me a haircut. A haircut. It’s all right, go ahead.”

For Jules was definitely laughing this time, spluttering tea through his nose, so that he turned a bright cerise as other diners stared at them. “A haircut,” he managed to get out, when he could speak at all clearly. “An angel gave you a haircut.”

“No, she didn’t give me a haircut,” Uncle Chaim snapped back crossly. “She wanted to, she offered – and then, when I said
no, thanks
, after a while she said she could play music for me while I worked. I usually have the news on, and she doesn’t like it, I can tell. Well, it wouldn’t make much sense to her, would it? Hardly does to me anymore.”

“So she’s going to be posing
and
playing music? What, on her harp? That’s true, the harp business?”

“No, she just said she could command the music. The way they do with coffee.” Jules stared at him. “Well, I don’t know – I guess it’s like some heavenly Muzak or something. Anyway, I told her no, and I’m sorry I told you anything. Eat, forget it, okay?”

But Jules was not to be put off so easily. He dug down into his
galushki poltavski
for a little time, and then looked up and said with his mouth full, “Tell me one thing, then I’ll drop it. Would you say she was beautiful?”

“She’s an angel,” Uncle Chaim said.

“That’s not what I asked. Angels are all supposed to be beautiful, right? Beyond words, beyond description, the works. So?” He smiled serenely at Uncle Chaim over his folded hands.

Uncle Chaim took so long to answer him that Jules actually waved a hand directly in front of his eyes. “Hello? Earth to Malakoff – this is your wake-up call. You in there, Chaim?”

“I’m there, I’m there, stop with the kid stuff.” Uncle Chaim flicked his own fingers dismissively at his friend’s hand. “Jules, all I can tell you, I never saw anyone looked like her before. Maybe that’s beauty all by itself, maybe it’s just novelty. Some days she looks eleven thousand years old, like she says – some days . . . some days she could be younger than Duvidl, she could be the first child in the world, first one ever.” He shook his head helplessly. “I don’t
know
, Jules. I wish I could ask Rembrandt or somebody. Vermeer. Vermeer would know.”

Strangely, of the small corps of visitors to the studio – old painters like himself and Jules, gallery owners, art brokers, friends from the neighborhood – I seemed to be the only one who ever saw the blue angel as anything other than one of his unsought acolytes, perfectly happy to stretch canvases, make sandwiches and occasionally pose, all for the gift of a growled thanks and the privilege of covertly studying him at work. My memory is that I regarded her as a nice-looking older lady with wings, but not my type at all, I having just discovered Alice Faye. Lauren Bacall, Lizabeth Scott and Lena Horne came a bit later in my development.

I knew she was an angel. I also knew better than to tell any of my own friends about her: we were a cynical lot, who regularly got thrown out of movie theaters for cheering on the Wolf Man and booing Shirley Temple and Bobby Breen. But I was shy with the angel, and – I guess – she with me, so I can’t honestly say I remember much either in the way of conversation or revelation. Though I am still haunted by one particular moment when I asked her, straight out, “Up there, in heaven, do you ever see Jesus? Jesus Christ, I mean.” We were hardly an observant family, any of us, but it still felt strange and a bit dangerous to say the name.

The blue angel turned from cleaning off a palette knife and looked directly at me, really for the first time since we had been introduced. I noticed that the color of her wings seemed to change from moment to moment, rippling constantly through a supple spectrum different from any I knew; and that I had no words either for her hair color, or for her smell. She said, “No, I have never seen him.”

“Oh,” I said, vaguely disappointed, Jewish or not. “Well – uh – what about his mother? The . . . the Virgin?” Funny, I remember that
that
seemed more daringly wicked than saying the other name out loud. I wonder why that should have been.

“No,” the angel answered. “Nor—” heading me off “—have I ever seen God. You are closer to God now, as you stand there, than I have ever been.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. She kept looking at me, but did not reply. I said, “I mean, you’re an angel. Angels live with God, don’t they?”

She shook her head. In that moment – and just for that moment – her richly empty face showed me a sadness that I don’t think a human face could ever have contained. “Angels live alone. If we were with God, we would not be angels.” She turned away, and I thought she had finished speaking. But then she looked back quite suddenly to say, in a voice that did not sound like her voice at all, being lower than the sound I knew, and almost masculine in texture, “
Dark and dark and dark . . . so empty . . . so dark . . .
”

It frightened me deeply, that one broken sentence, though I couldn’t have said why: it was just so dislocating, so completely out of place – even the rhythm of those few words sounded more like the hesitant English of our old Latvian rabbi than that of Uncle Chaim’s muse. He didn’t hear it, and I didn’t tell him about it, because I thought it must be me, that I was making it up, or I’d heard it wrong. I was accustomed to thinking like that when I was a boy.

“She’s got like a dimmer switch,” Uncle Chaim explained to Aunt Rifke; they were putting freshly washed sheets on the guest bed at the time, because I was staying the night to interview them for my Immigrant Experience class project. “Dial it one way, you wouldn’t notice her if she were running naked down Madison Avenue at high noon, flapping her wings and waving a gun. Two guns. Turn that dial back the other way, all the way . . . well, thank God she wouldn’t ever do that, because she’d likely set the studio on fire. You think I’m joking. I’m not joking.”

“No, Chaim, I know you’re not joking.” Rifke silently undid and remade both of his attempts at hospital corners, as she always did. She said, “What I want to know is, just where’s that dial set when you’re painting her? And I’d think a bit about that answer, if I were you.” Rifke’s favorite cousin Harvey, a career social worker, had recently abandoned wife and children to run off with a beautiful young dope dealer, and Rifke was feeling more than slightly edgy.

Uncle Chaim did think about it, and replied, “About a third, I’d say. Maybe half, once or twice, no more. I remember, I had to ask her a couple times, turn it down, please – go work when somebody’s glowing six feet away from you. I mean, the moon takes up a lot of space, a little studio like mine. Bad enough with the wings.”

Rifke tucked in the last corner, smoothed the sheet tight, faced him across the bed and said, “You’re never going to finish this one, are you? Thirty-seven years, I know all the signs. You’ll do it over and over, you’ll frame it, you’ll hang it, you’ll say, ‘Okay, that’s it, I’m done,’ but you won’t be done, you’ll just start the whole thing again, only maybe a different style, a brighter palette, a bigger canvas, a smaller canvas. But you’ll never get it the way it’s in your head, not for you.” She smacked the pillows fluffy and tossed them back on the bed. “Don’t even bother arguing with me, Malakoff. Not when I’m right.”

“So am I arguing? Does it look like I’m arguing?” Uncle Chaim rarely drank at home, but on this occasion he walked into the kitchen, filled a glass from the dusty bottle of
grappa
, and turned back to his wife. He said very quietly, “Crazy to think I could get an angel right. Who could paint an angel?”

Aunt Rifke came to him then and put her hands on his shoulders. “My crazy old man, that’s who,” she answered him. “Nobody else. God would know.”

And my Uncle Chaim blushed for the first time in many years. I didn’t see this, but Aunt Rifke told me.

Of course, she was quite right about that painting, or any of the many, many others he made of the blue angel. He was never satisfied with any of them, not a one. There was always
something
wrong, something missing, something there but not there, glimpsed but gone. “Like that Chinese monkey trying to grab the moon in the water,” Uncle Chaim said to me once. “That’s me, a Chinese monkey.”

Not that you could say he suffered financially from working with only one model, as the angel had commanded. The failed portraits that he lugged down to the gallery handling his paintings sold almost instantly to museums, private collectors and corporations decorating their lobbies and meeting rooms, under such generic titles as
Angel in the Window
,
Blue Wings
,
Angel with Wineglass
and
Midnight Angel
. Aunt Rifke banked the money, and Uncle Chaim endured the unveilings and the receptions as best he could – without ever looking at the paintings themselves – and then shuffled back to his studio to start over. The angel was always waiting.

I was doing my homework in the studio when Jules Sidelsky visited at last, lured there by other reasons than art, beauty, or deity. The blue angel hadn’t given up the notion of acting as Uncle Chaim’s muse, but never seemed able to take it much beyond making a tuna salad sandwich, or a pot of coffee (at which, to be fair, she had become quite skilled), summoning music, or reciting the lost works of legendary or forgotten poets while he worked. He tried to discourage this habit; but he did learn a number of Shakespeare’s unpublished sonnets, and was able to write down for Jules three poems that drowned with Shelley off the Livorno coast. “Also, your boy Pushkin, his wife destroyed a mess of his stuff right after his death. My girl’s got it all by heart, you believe that?”

Pushkin did it. If the great Russian had been declared a saint, Jules would have reported for instruction to the Patriarch of Moscow on the following day. As it was, he came down to Uncle Chaim’s studio instead, and was at last introduced to the blue angel, who was as gracious as Jules did his bewildered best to be. She spent the afternoon declaiming Pushkin’s vanished verse to him in the original, while hovering tirelessly upside down, just above the crossbar of a second easel. Uncle Chaim thought he might be entering a surrealist phase.

Leaving, Jules caught Uncle Chaim’s arm and dragged him out his door into the hot, bustling Village streets, once his dearest subject before the coming of the blue angel. Uncle Chaim, knowing his purpose, said, “So now you see? Now you see?”

“I see.” Jules’s voice was dark and flat, and almost without expression. “I see you got an angel there, all right. No question in the world about that.” The grip on Uncle Chaim’s arm tightened. Jules said, “You have to get rid of her.”

“
What
? What are you
talking
about? Just finally doing the most important work of my life, and you want me . . . ?” Uncle Chaim’s eyes narrowed, and he pulled forcefully away from his friend. “What is it with you and my models? You got like this once before, when I was painting that Puerto Rican guy, the teacher, with the big nose, and you just couldn’t stand it, you remember? Said I’d stolen him, wouldn’t speak to me for weeks, weeks, you remember?”

“Chaim, that’s not true—”

“And so now I’ve got this angel, it’s the same thing – worse, with the Pushkin and all—”

“Chaim, damn it, I wouldn’t care if she were Pushkin’s sister, they played Monopoly together—”

Uncle Chaim’s voice abruptly grew calmer; the top of his head stopped sweating and lost its crimson tinge. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Jules. It’s not I don’t understand, I’ve been the same way about other people’s models.” He patted the other’s shoulder awkwardly. “Look, I tell you what, anytime you want, you come on over, we’ll work together. How about that?”

Poor Jules must have been completely staggered by all this. On the one hand he knew – I mean, even I knew – that Uncle Chaim never invited other artists to share space with him, let alone a model; on the other, the sudden change can only have sharpened his anxiety about his old friend’s state of mind. He said, “Chaim, I’m just trying to tell you, whatever’s going on, it isn’t good for you. Not her fault, not your fault. People and angels aren’t supposed to hang out together – we aren’t built for it, and neither are they. She really needs to go back where she belongs.”

“She can’t. Absolutely not.” Uncle Chaim was shaking his head, and kept on shaking it. “She got
sent
here, Jules, she got sent to
me
—”

“By whom? You ever ask yourself that?” They stared at each other. Jules said, very carefully, “No, not by the Devil. I don’t believe in the Devil any more than I believe in God, although he always gets the good lines. But it’s a free country, and I
can
believe in angels without swallowing all the rest of it, if I want to.” He paused, and took a gentler hold on Uncle Chaim’s arm. “And I can also imagine that angels might not be exactly what we think they are. That an angel might lie, and still be an angel. That an angel might be selfish – jealous, even. That an angel might just be a little bit out of her head.”

In a very pale and quiet voice, Uncle Chaim said, “You’re talking about a fallen angel, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about,” Jules answered. “That’s the God’s truth.” Both of them smiled wearily, but neither one laughed. Jules said, “I’m dead serious, Chaim. For your sake, your sanity, she needs to go.”

“And for my sake, she can’t.” Uncle Chaim was plainly too exhausted for either pretense or bluster, but there was no give in him. He said, “
Landsmann
, it doesn’t matter. You could be right, you could be wrong, I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter. There’s no one else I want to paint anymore – there’s no one else I can paint, Jules, that’s just how it is. Go home now.” He refused to say another word.