Antebellum (41 page)

“You don't...get to do dat. I do.”

“But look at you!” My rage was still there, though it was diluted by Ella's words. “You can barely stand up. I'm going to kill 'im! That's it. That's all there is to it.”

“No, you not!” she yelled, looking at me with a rage of her own. I cowered in response.

“So you saw...your woman gettin' raped, huh? So...so what? Did that white man force his way 'side you? Did he...did he infect ya from da inside out? Did he...did he slam yo'...yo' head 'gainst the gound? Did...did he take...take all da pure in yo' body and leave it...leave it lyin' bloody on da dirt? Did...did he leave his...his seed 'side you, so God forbid you haves a...a chile dat remind you 'bout how dirty you is....every time...every time you look at 'im? Naw! Naw...dat white man ain't done nuthin... nuthin ta you but hurt yo' pride...but takes...takes sumthin you thought belonged to you! You don't get ta kill 'im, damn you! I do! I do!”

My rage sat inside me like a bomb with nothing to destroy. Ella had contained it, but the power was still inside of me. It had to go somewhere. I just didn't know where yet.

When I turned around, Sarah was on her knees by the door, praying. She rocked back and forth with enough fervor to fuel a church revival, and when she was done, she stood and faced me.

“We gots the signs, Moses. I needs yo' permission ta have a church meetin'.”

I looked at her strangely.

“Why you need my permission?”

“I jus' does.”

I searched her face and could tell she was serious. She wouldn't make another move unless I said to do so.

Though I didn't know what I was doing, I knew it had something to do with the bomb in my chest. I looked at Ella, who was awaiting my answer as well, and then turned back to Sarah.

I spoke with the command of an army general as I nodded my head. My tone even took me by surprise. “Aight. Let's do it.”

I could see the tears form in Sarah's eyes as she nodded her head in response, and then she moved out of the door.

I'm not sure what happened in the next half-hour. Sarah must have moved in and out of the hut a dozen times, each time quickly acknowledging me, and moving on to another task. I remained in the hut and tended to Ella, spending the entire time trying to get her to stay still when I touched her. One time, Sarah rushed in and ran back into her corner and mixed together some roots. When she was done, she brought them to Ella.

“We gon' be leavin' soon, baby. Dis' 'ere help with da pain.”

Ella asked no questions, just took the paste on her fingertips and put her fingers in her mouth, sucking the paste off. She first reacted to the taste, and then to the texture in her throat. After a moment, her face relaxed and she began to look like her old self.

Sarah mixed some different herbs for Roka. Soon after taking them, he made the first noises I'd heard from him since we'd arrived.

Eight slave men came through the door. They had two makeshift stretchers ready to place both of the mattresses on.

“Is time.” It was all Sarah said, and the slave men went four to each bed, moved the mattress over to the stretchers, and picked both Roka and Ella up. They each placed a corner of the stretcher on a shoulder, and proceeded with the rest of their mission.

I followed Sarah outside, and to my amazement, walked into the middle of a silent parade. I'd never seen so many people move so quietly. Sarah had managed to get all the slaves—not just the slaves from out part of the plantation—but all of Talbert's slaves and march them down to some place they all knew.

I turned to her in the darkness and silence. I was afraid to speak, but my questions were burning to be answered. “How did you do this?”

“We gots a system. Different folk knowed, it be meetin' time, and dey gets word out. Folks was already set to help you escape tonight. Jus' gave 'em differen' instructions.” She paused. “Gotta tells you somethin'. You ain't gon' like what it is...”

I looked her in the eye. “Tell me.”

“Roka...he be...he on 'is way home.”

I looked at her strangely, not understanding, or not wanting to understand what she meant.

“What are you sayin', Sarah?”

She took in a deep breath, but still couldn't keep her voice from shaking.

“He dyin', Moses.”

Her words knocked all the wind out of me.

“What are you talkin' about?! Roka's not dyin'. He can't die!”

“Yeah, he can, son.”

“How do you know?”

“I knowed soon as I seen 'im back in da hut. His body was weak befo' he go wid you up to da big house. He's jus' pass his limit, now. Ain't nothin' else I can do but take da pain away.”

I stopped walking, taking a knee in the dirt while the other slaves walked around me. Sarah stopped with me and took a hold of my shoulder.

“It's my fault.” I could barely breathe. “If I hadn't...I almost killed him, Sarah.”

“Naw, it ain't!” she said, adamant in her words. “Anything Roka do, he do 'cause he believe it be best. He knowed how weak he was befo' he follow you up da big house! You gots yourself a mighty work 'head a you, and last thing Roka want be fo' you to get down on yourself!”

I took a deep breath and stood up, staring Sarah in the eyes again. I knew she was right.

“How long he got?”

“Knowin' Roka? He won't go till da Lawd come in daflesh and snatch 'im!”

She smiled to herself, probably remembering all the good times they had shared. It was short lived, though. Her smile faded, and she looked back to me.

“I be suprised if he last 'nother day,” she whispered.

We continued in silence as we trekked deeper into the woods. The news about Roka lay concentrated in my legs, and it became harder to move them. I had to keep going, though. The slaves surrounding me reminded me of that.

The big house was getting farther and farther in the distance behind us. Suddenly, I began to hear footsteps other than our own. I made sure I wasn't crazy, listening extra closely to the atmosphere surrounding us, before I grabbed Sarah by the shoulders.

“Sarah! I think we're being followed!”

She stopped and listened, and then shook her head.

“Naw, ain't no white folk. Clearin' be right 'tween three different plantations. You hearin' slave folk from da other two.”

I looked around in amazement at all the different silhouettes that surrounded me.

“When's the last time y'all did this?”

“Last meetin' were called by 'Lizabeth. I was still in da big house, then. Talbert had' 'is ways wid me longs he wanted.”

I'd heard her say it before, but I realized I never knew what it meant until now.

“Wait...Talbert raped you, too?”

Sarah looked at me like I was silly.

“Chile...Talbert done took me more den you or me c'count. At da place where I ain't even fights it no mo', jus' let 'im have me. Ella...did da girl stays on her knees?”

I had a flashback that literally made me gag and vomit. Sarah stopped with me, waiting for me to compose myself. When I stood back up, I nodded my head. “Yeah...yeah, she did.”

“Good girl.” Sarah nodded her approval. “You lays on ya belly or back, and he get to puttin' stuff inside ya. Had me a girl die once on account a somethin he put in her dat wouldn't come out. Told her when she got 'here—if he takes you, you stay on yo' knees! Don' lay down, no matter how bad it be, stays on yo knees!” Sarah nodded her head again. She was somber, but proud. “Dat's a good girl...”

We walked in silence again for a time. I had no more words.

Eventually, we reached an opening in the forest that had been set up like an outdoor theatre. There was a cleared circle, directly in the middle of the woods, that must have been the size of a one-bedroom apartment. There was a handmade podium in the middle and toward the front of the circle, and logs spread out all around the open space that a few of the slaves were sitting on. I barely recognized anyone, but as Sarah led me to the front, all I heard were whispers.

“Is dat 'im?”

“Dat be 'im?”

“Dey says he strong's three oxen!”

“I hear he can't die, no care how many times da white folk try and kill 'im!”

“Dey tells me he eats white folk, den throws 'em up 'cause he cain't keep 'em in 'is stomach!”

Different people began to light candles, and the circle became illuminated. Sarah and I stood at the front, looking over the masses. As the number of slaves in the space became more and more apparent with the light, my face must have shown more and more awe.

And then the slaves charged with carrying Ella and Roka came through the crowd and placed them at the front with us, and everything was put back into perspective.

Sarah walked up to the podium, and the crowd fell silent.

“Is been long time since we been 'ere last! Since God done spoke to 'Lizabeth, callin' her to bring us out 'ere, bringin' His spirit along wid her! Givin' us hope fo' tomorrow, makin' us feel like we more den jus' animals to be whipped and chained up! Makin' us feel like we mo' den property of white folk! Been long time...”

The clearing in the forest had turned into a church. People randomly called out to Sarah from the crowd. I could already feel the excitement building. The explosion—the bomb in my chest that I was charged with carrying since Ella forbade me to return to the big house—began to seep its way out through my pores and contaminate the air like radiation.

“Been so long dat some of us done forgot. Is folk dat was dere at that meetin' that ain't 'ere now on account of white folk...and is folk ain't 'ere on account of 'em not believin no more. I knows it's been a long time! Don't a soul 'ere know more den me! I done felt da lash more'n I can 'member! I done had Massa takes me mo' den I can 'member! I gots me five chirren somewheres dat I ain't seen since dey was took from my arms while dey was cryin' and screamin' my name! But I keep believin'! It's all I got to keep me from losin' my sense and mind! I keep believin and prayin' every night dat 'Lizabeth was right, and Jesus be sendin' somebody to deliver us! I prays so hard dat my knees bleed! I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I pray some more! And thank you, Lawd! Thank ya Lawd Jesus—you done heard me, and you'se sent your angel!”

Sarah pointed at me, and the crowd erupted. They let off a
sound like a filled football stadium. I felt confused, but my body continued telling me that this was right. That it was now my job to stand here and take it all in. I exhaled from the rage that had been caught inside my chest, relieved at being able to release it, if only a bit at a time. I knew the slaves were breathing it in now, and I wondered how it would affect them. Would they go crazy as I almost had? Would they go mad and start beating on each other? How would they be able to deal with the rage that I was releasing?

And then I inhaled, and I realized that it wasn't my rage in the air. It wasn't my anger being released into the atmosphere. It was theirs. It was the slaves'.

“I done seen what dis angel can do. I done heard it. Most y'all heard lies 'bout 'im, craziness done gone 'round...but I know now why 'Lizabeth pick me and Roka to give 'structions to you! 'Cause he come right in our house! He come right in, and showed us da power we got! Showed us how to stop bein' 'fraid all the time! And tonight, da very sign dat 'Lizabeth said done come to pass! So I ain't afraid no mo'! Lawd Jesus, I ain't afraid no mo'!”

The crowd continued to shout, but I barely heard them anymore. All I saw were flashes—memories. I looked out into the crowd, and every time a person looked at me—flash. The tall, skinny, man up front—flash—killed his wife and children, freeing them the only way he thought was possible. The woman to the far right—flash—pregnant sister tied up and had her belly cut open, seeing her fetus drop to the dirt before she died herself. The shorter man to the left—flash—castrated, genitals removed in front of the young white woman he was accused of staring at.

My rage was nothing. It was less than nothing. What I thought was horror, or pain, or suffering, was really nothing. I thought I
was contaminating the air with my rage, but my rage would have flickered and died, like an ash that momentarily escapes from the fire before a gentle breeze puts it out. I wasn't here to contaminate them with my rage. I was here to get a taste of theirs.

I turned my head, trying not to look at anyone else's face. But it was too late. The memories flooded my brain. All I could do was bear them.

“Tonight be da night!” Sarah's voice echoed off the trees, projecting it to everyone among us. “We gots an angel—a leader be sent 'ere from God himself! He done come through time to show dat we mo' den what white folk say 'bout us! Done come through time to find himself, and thank da Lawd he found us in da process! Dis here is Moses! Moses bring da people outta Egypt! But dey ain't tell us dat us slaves is really Iz'realites! Dey ain't tell us us dat dese plantations, dese cotton fields and tobacco fields, dat dems really Egypt! But dey ain't got to tell us no mo', 'cause we gots Moses! We gots Moses! We gots Moses! And thank ya Lawd Jesus, I ain't scared no mo'!”