Another Way to Fall (28 page)

Emma politely refused as she sat down with a sense of anticlimax. She had prepared for this moment a thousand times in her head and had never once imagined that their first exchange would be whether or not she wanted a sweet.

John, her dad, popped a mint into his dry mouth and the sight of his nerves helped Emma quell her own. She bided her time and waited for him to open up the conversation.

‘It’s really lovely in here, isn’t it?’ he began. ‘I remember when this place was derelict and you weren’t even allowed to get close to the site let alone inside.’

Emma narrowed her eyes. ‘As lovely as it is to share notes on the transformation of the city you left behind, I think we have other things to discuss. Don’t you?’

Her words echoed loudly across the Palm House and if her dad had hoped for a private conversation then he was going to be disappointed. An elderly couple looked curiously in their direction and the smile on her dad’s face faltered. He was an experienced solicitor and would be used to tough negotiations but he was going to struggle with his daughter’s cross-examination.

‘So what would you like to discuss, Emma? I’ll answer your questions as honestly as I can.’

Emma wondered exactly how much he was capable of sharing honestly with her. She had planned to open with some easy questions, find out a little about the man so she could fill in the intervening years, but her first question was out of her mouth before she could hold it back. ‘What kind of man finds out his child has cancer and the best he can do is send a get well card?’

There was a long drawn-out pause before her dad answered. He was looking down at his hands and Emma willed him to have the guts to look her in the face. When he did lift his head, his eyes looked pained. ‘I deserve your contempt, I know that.’

Emma stared at him, her eyes stinging from the bright sunlight and she hoped he didn’t think she was on the verge of tears. She was too angry for that.

‘I knew how ill you were,’ he confessed. ‘And I knew how you were getting on because I kept in touch with some of my old colleagues, ones who still worked in the same office as your mum.’

Emma’s chest heaved with anger and she felt her whole body tingling with the heat of her rage. ‘And you think that was good enough?’ she demanded.

‘Not for any decent father, no,’ John replied candidly. He broke eye contact and nervously picked at the flaking paint on the cast-iron table. ‘I don’t think I really understood what it was like to be a dad. I worked hard to provide for you all and I thought that was my job done.’

‘Mum provided for us too,’ defended Emma.

‘Yes, yes, she did.’ Her dad’s voice softened as he was drawn into the past. ‘You weren’t planned and your mum’s pregnancy threw our career plans into disarray. Neither of us had completed our law degrees at that point so your mum took a break and I qualified first. I became the breadwinner and saw it as my job to support you all. I didn’t see the point in Meg completing her qualifications, she didn’t need to work.’

‘She had just as much right to her career as you had to yours.’

John nodded. ‘I know that now but back then, I had this idea that what I was doing was noble. I was prepared to do all the work and let your mum reap the rewards. With persistence, she managed to complete her qualifications but as soon as she did I persuaded her it was time for another baby and we had Louise.’

‘And precisely how does all of this explain why you turned your back on me?’

Emma watched as her dad continued to pick at the flaking paint. ‘What I’m trying to explain, and not very well, is that I thought that was all I had to do. I was the provider and Meg was the carer. To put it bluntly, I paid the bills and your mum looked after the fluffy stuff. Even when we split up, I did what I thought was the right thing. I waited until Louise was eighteen before taking my share of the assets. My children were officially adults and my job was done. I swear, I thought of it as if I was closing a business deal. I’m not proud of that but it’s the only explanation I have. I never thought of it as abandoning you.’

‘Why? Why did you feel like that?’ demanded Emma, confused by the brutal explanation her father was giving her. She had expected some lame excuse, something that described circumstances beyond his control. What she hadn’t expected was a character assassination, not by him at least.

‘I could start blaming my own family background but I won’t. I take full responsibility for my own behaviour.’

‘So you didn’t rush to my hospital bedside because you thought it wasn’t your job? You’re really that heartless?’ Emma’s eyes continued to sting and the heat was overpowering, almost as much as her urge to stand up and punch him.

John looked towards the main doors, peering out into the distance. ‘When I found out about your illness, I’d already remarried and we had a two-month-old baby,’ he said. ‘Emma, I’ve thought long and hard about what I’d share with you today and this part is probably the hardest thing for me to say and for you to hear but I said I’d be honest with you.’

They locked eyes again and as Emma prepared for his explanation, she clenched her fist, ready to throw that punch.

‘It was only when I held Olivia in my arms for the first time that I finally got it. I knew in that split second that I would move heaven and earth to protect her, that it wasn’t only about providing for her. I understood what it was to be a father and I swear I cried like a baby myself,’ he said, his voice choking with emotion. ‘And before you hate me even more than you thought you possibly could, I need to explain that it wasn’t just about making that connection with my new daughter, it was recognizing what I’d lost with you and Louise. In that moment, I knew that what I’d done was indefensible, so when I heard you were ill, I felt too ashamed. I had no right to be a part of your life.’

Emma sat back in her chair and her breath hissed between clenched teeth like a steam engine about to explode. She had secretly wanted a fight. She had wanted to scream accusations at her father and storm off, finally able to close that particular chapter of her life once and for all but there was no fun in attacking someone who was practically begging her to rip out his heart. ‘And now?’ she asked.

‘And now I know I would move heaven and earth to protect you, Emma.’

‘It’s too late,’ she replied flatly and her response wasn’t meant to be hurtful, simply truthful.

He nodded. ‘I know.’

‘And now I suppose it’s my turn to be honest with you,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how or if we would be able to mend our bridges but the truth is I don’t have time. What time I do have left needs to be spent with the people who matter. A part of me wishes you were one of them, Dad, but you’re not. I missed having you in my life and I’ve spent far too long being angry with you. I would love things to be different because right now I need to feel protected and safe and that’s what dads are for, aren’t they?’ Emma lifted up her hand to ward off her dad who was reaching out towards her. ‘This is all I’m prepared to give you, this one meeting to resolve as much between us as we can. I have to put myself first and I’m thinking about Mum too. I don’t want to taint her last memories of me with any animosity that might arise from you appearing back on the scene. She doesn’t deserve that.’

‘I can’t argue with that,’ John agreed. His eyes were glistening with tears that couldn’t be explained by bright sunlight alone.

Emma felt herself let go of the last remnant of anger and a huge burden was lifted from her. She welcomed the calmness flooding her body as she reached into her bag for an envelope. She had imagined throwing the cheque back in his face and screaming, ‘Keep your money!’ Instead, she handed it to him almost reverently. ‘I don’t need this any more.’

‘I still want you to have it,’ he replied, not taking it.

‘Really, Dad, I don’t want it. Money serves no purpose in my life now and you can make better use of it. Maybe it can finance all those bridges you’re going to have to build with Louise. You are going to, aren’t you?’

‘Yes, if she lets me.’

‘Louise will be easy compared to me,’ Emma said with a wry smile.

‘I hope so,’ he replied, finally taking the envelope.

‘Do you fancy a little tour of the Palm House?’ Emma asked, a question that surprised them both. She wasn’t ready to let him go yet. She needed to know exactly how he was going to put things right with Louise and, if she could, give him some pointers to make it easier for them both.

By the time Emma was ready to leave, she had achieved everything she felt she needed to. She had answers to the questions that had plagued her for years and although they hadn’t repaired the damage that had been done, at least now they understood each other a little better. For good measure, Emma warned him that she would come back and haunt him if he ever let Louise down again.

‘There is one thing I haven’t been completely honest about,’ her dad told her as they walked towards the exit. ‘I didn’t come alone. My wife Carolyn and the kids are here too.’

‘Here in the park?’ asked Emma. She felt shocked and confused, unsure how to react. Her dad’s new family consisted of two young daughters, Olivia, aged five, and Amy, three. They were her half-sisters and in other circumstances, Emma might have had the desire to get to know them but, like so many things, there wasn’t time.

‘Would you like to meet them?’

‘I have enough trouble dealing with one sister,’ Emma joked. As they stepped over the threshold, the blast of cold that hit her was possibly a blessing as it softened the next shock. Emerging through the gated entrance Emma caught sight of two little girls wrapped up in woollen coats and hats, playing with a pink ball. They were the children she had been coveting earlier and they were her father’s daughters. ‘I hope you realize how lucky you are,’ she said, still prevaricating over his invitation. She recalled a saying about the worst regrets being the things you didn’t do in life. ‘Yes, I think I would like to meet them.’

An awkward smile passed between Emma and Carolyn as she made her way towards the girls. Her dad joined his wife and left Emma to make her own introductions.

‘Hello,’ Emma said, crouching down so she was on the same level as Olivia, although she still towered over Amy. ‘You two look like you’re having fun.’

Olivia glanced over towards her parents, seeking reassurance that it was alright to allow this stranger into their lives. ‘We’re playing football,’ she replied and Emma smiled sadly at the Scottish lilt in her voice, which only served to exaggerate the distance and the differences between her father’s two sets of daughters.

‘What’s your name?’ asked Olivia.

‘I’m Emma,’ she said.

‘She’s your sister,’ John called from behind them.

Olivia scrutinized Emma. ‘You’re very big for a sister,’ she said.

‘That’s because I’m your big sister. But I’m afraid I can’t stay long and I probably won’t see you again.’ The words were blunt but Emma saw a little of herself in Olivia’s eyes and she knew she would want to be told the truth.

‘Why? Where are you going?’

Emma’s head dropped as she wondered the same thing herself. She noticed a fluffy white feather lying on the ground and picked it up, twirling it in her fingers. ‘I’m going to be an angel,’ she whispered as if it was a secret only to be shared with the two girls. ‘And if ever you see a white feather like this, you’ll know I’m watching over you.’

‘Wow,’ gasped Amy, taking it from Emma. ‘Look what I got,’ she was shouting as she toddled off towards her dad.

Olivia ignored Amy’s squeals of delight and sneaked a look behind Emma’s back. ‘I can’t see any wings.’

Emma smiled. ‘I don’t think I’ve earned them yet.’

‘Will you be able to play with us when you’re an angel?’

‘No, but you have another big sister who’s called Louise. She’ll play with you and I want you to promise me you’ll give her a hard time. She needs little sisters to annoy her like she used to annoy me.’

Olivia nodded, pleased, her rosy cheeks glowing in the sunshine. Then she did something extraordinary, or at least it was to Emma. She took off her glove and reached out to touch Emma’s cheek. Emma put her hand over Olivia’s, feeling the warmth of her tiny fingers. She turned and kissed the little girl’s hand, smelling the sweet, baby smell mixed with the faint odour of damp wool. Emma could feel something stirring deep inside her that she knew could never be satisfied. ‘You’re so very precious,’ Emma told her, ‘don’t you ever forget that.’

Olivia gave her a serious look as she noticed the tears in Emma’s eyes. ‘I won’t,’ she promised.

‘Go tell your dad how lucky he is to have you and then go get some hot chocolate to warm yourself up.’

‘OK,’ Olivia said, turning swiftly towards her parents. The little girl seemed blissfully unaware of the magnitude of the meeting that had taken place but something made Olivia stop halfway and turn around. She ran back to give Emma a hug with such force that it almost knocked her to the ground. ‘Love you, angel,’ she said.

Before Emma had a chance to respond, Amy had appeared and was pushing Olivia out of the way and copying her sister. ‘Love you, angel,’ she repeated.

Emma remained crouching as she watched them gather up their things. She was wary of standing up because the pain in her neck had travelled down the length of her spine and she knew rising too fast would be excruciating, but that wasn’t the only reason. If she stayed where she was then she wouldn’t be expected to say goodbye to her dad, not properly. There would be no awkward moment deciding what to say or whether they should hug. She stayed where she was as her dad gave her a friendly wave before turning away. She saw him wipe his face and watched his wife put her arm around him but it was only when they were safely out of sight that she was ready to head back to her own family.

Emma expected to be interrogated the moment she stepped foot inside the Traveller’s Rest but her arrival went unnoticed. The place was in uproar. A young waitress, Isabel, was the only member of the team front of house and she visibly groaned when she heard the door open to what she expected to be yet another customer. The bistro was two thirds full and practically every table was trying to attract her attention.