Another Way to Fall (26 page)

When Emma awoke she felt different and different for Emma usually meant something bad. She was still half asleep but she felt warm, too warm, and her body felt heavy. A rush of adrenalin coursed through her body and with a sudden gasp she was awake. She opened her eyes. The room was still in darkness and dawn a long way off but she glanced towards the lightless window anyway, willing the day to arrive and save her from this latest night terror. She drew her eyes away as the last remnants of sleep left her body. She tried to turn on her side but couldn’t move. More of her senses came to life, bringing with them alien smells and sounds. A long hiss of air almost made her jump and a fraction of a second later, almost made her laugh out loud.

Ben continued to snore softly behind her as Emma began to relax.

She looked at the clock. It was still early but she needed to take her medication. Her mum usually left a tray containing pills and a glass of water on her bedside cabinet for the morning but Meg had made herself scarce and Emma hadn’t seen her since she and Ben had disappeared into her bedroom after dinner the night before. She felt like a naughty teenager but at least her mum was treating her like an adult. And like an adult, Emma would have to take charge of her own medication.

Slipping her legs from beneath the duvet, Emma eased herself out of bed without disturbing Ben. She went to stand up but the night had taken more out of her than she first realized and she felt dizzy. She let herself slip to the floor in a partially controlled fall. She was gasping but as quietly as she could so as not to wake Ben. If he saw her struggling, he might blame himself. He might be too afraid to touch her again. She thought of the night they had just shared and panic rose in her chest at the thought of losing it.

She was sitting on the floor, her back against the bed and her eyes closed as her mind began to detach itself from her surroundings. She stretched out her hands to ground herself as the hallucination took over and her fingers wrapped around a tiny object lying in the shadows beneath her bed. She felt warm and the light beyond her closed eyelids grew in intensity. When she opened them, the aquamarine waters sparkled all the way to the horizon. She looked from the shoreline towards the impossibly steep hillside. Lush palms obscured the sleeping volcanoes but she knew they were there. She heard Ben behind her, still snoring. She turned towards him and the pre-dawn darkness returned with a blink of the eye.

Emma slowed her breathing and was left with only tantalizing hints of where her seizure had taken her. She tasted coconut in her mouth and felt the gritty sand between her toes. She lifted her hand and when she opened it, there was no doubt in her mind where she had been. The iridescent rainbows captured within the shell burst into life as light flooded the room.

‘Emma? What are you doing down there?’ Ben had switched on the bedside lamp and was leaning over the bed, concern on his face.

She lifted up the shell towards him. ‘I found this,’ she said. There was more awe in her voice than fear. It was only as she lifted it towards him that she noticed a rough yellow line running around the outer edge of the shell. It was the remnants of glue, yellowed with age. It was one of the shells that had fallen off the photo frame.

‘A souvenir from our honeymoon?’ Ben asked. He was rubbing sleep from his eyes and didn’t notice the look of disappointment on Emma’s face.

‘I wish.’ She tentatively rose to her feet and this time remained standing. Discarding the shell on the window sill, she headed for the door where there was a tray containing pills and water waiting for her on the other side. She picked it up and returned to the safety of her bed.

‘Did you sleep well?’ she asked as she took her medication.

‘Yes, I could get used to this,’ he said.

‘Me too.’

‘I’m not too sure how your mum’s going to feel about it, though,’ Ben added.

‘She’ll be fine.’ Emma was sure that if the day before had been anything to go by, her mum would enjoy Ben’s company almost as much as Emma.

‘Of course, we could always consider moving into my place.’

Emma shook her head. ‘Would you mind if we didn’t?’ She knew there would be dark days to come and although Ben would do his best to help her through her treatment, there were going to be times when Emma would want her mum and besides, with a bedroom available above the bistro, she was sure she could persuade Louise to move in as Steven’s new lodger. She had it all planned and she didn’t think Steven would object, he was putting his heart and soul into the bistro and Emma suspected that it wasn’t the restaurant itself that held his affection. ‘It might be a good bargaining tool but I really don’t think Mum will need much persuading.’

‘I might make myself scarce when you broach that particular subject.’

‘Don’t go too far,’ Emma told him.

‘Never,’ he said. Ben lifted his hand and gently pushed back a lock of Emma’s hair, briefly sweeping his fingers across the patch of shaven scalp, her headscarf long since discarded. She was amazed at how relaxed she felt, confident that he wouldn’t recoil from her. Emma had bared her soul and Ben had seen her beauty, not her flaws.

‘Good, because I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with you.’

Emma watched as thoughts of the future passed across Ben’s face like a dark cloud. He was aware that his fears had been exposed so blinked them away. He moved his hand slowly down her body until his palm came to rest on her stomach. ‘How about a honeymoon baby?’ he suggested.

It was Emma’s turn to blink away the fears. The thought of immersing herself into a world where she would become a mother terrified her, not because she didn’t want to have children but because she so desperately did. Having a family hadn’t simply been part of the life she had once planned for herself, it had been fundamental to it. It was what everything else was meant to build towards. Her cancer had destroyed the foundations for that dream five years earlier and whilst her career had been the first casualty, the thing she grieved most was the probability, and now certainty, that she wouldn’t live long enough to have children and see them grow.

‘What is it?’ Ben was asking. He was about to move his hand away, sensing Emma’s reluctance, but she placed her hand over his.

‘It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m ready,’ she said, knowing that her choices in life were limited but her imaginary life was not, not unless she applied her own restrictions.

‘You’re sure?’ Ben asked, Emma’s uncertainty transferring to him.

‘I’m sure. Now, what time do you have to be at the bistro?’

‘Ten at the latest,’ Ben told her. ‘Do you want to come with me, spend another day at the office?’

‘I would love to but I have a hospital appointment later,’ Emma replied, pulling herself back into reality. She had one week left before her radiotherapy started and she had mixed emotions about the treatment that would not only take over her life but drain her of it too. She was more than ready for the fight but she was frightened too. If her tumour failed to respond, it would mark the beginning of the end and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that yet. There was still too much of life to experience. ‘And after that I might just have a lazy day,’ Emma told him. ‘I need to slow down a little.’

‘If I’m pushing you too hard, you will tell me, won’t you?’

Emma kissed his nose. ‘I didn’t mean you,’ she scolded. ‘You’re the best medicine I could wish for. But it is going to take a while for me to build up to the next phase of our life together and I want to get it right.’

‘You will,’ Ben said. ‘I’ve seen the way you look after people. You’ll make an amazing mum.’

Ben didn’t see the tears as Emma shut her eyes, hiding the grief she felt for her unborn children. She let him kiss her and she drew from him the strength to build a magical world around her that would give her the baby to fill her empty arms.

When Emma found herself on her own a little later, the world outside looked bright and far too tempting to ignore. She had told Ben she would take it easy but she was getting cabin fever. He had gone back to the bistro and Meg was making an early start at the office, promising to return after lunch for Emma’s trip to the hospital. But that was hours away. The stamina she had started to build before Christmas had been completely depleted by the surgery but she convinced herself that a brisk walk would do her the world of good.

She wasn’t fooled by the clear sky and dazzling sunshine. The gales from the day before hadn’t completely eased and Emma was glad she had wrapped up well when the wind knocked the breath out of her the moment she stepped outside. She had her chin tucked into her chest and didn’t notice Louise until she had practically walked into her.

‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded, her heart sinking at the thought of returning indoors to play hostess to her sister.

‘Nice to see you too! I just thought I’d pay my big sister a visit.’

‘I was about to go for a walk along the prom.’ Emma looked longingly at the path that led towards the river.

‘That’s alright, I’ll come with you.’

Louise was dressed casually in jeans and a padded gillet but her hair was loose and already whipping around her. The heels she was wearing weren’t dangerously high but high enough. ‘Are you sure?’ Emma asked suspiciously.

‘Yeah, I could do with some fresh air,’ insisted Louise, marching ahead while Emma stood frozen in disbelief. ‘Are you coming?’

The sea breeze was practically gale force as they reached the promenade and turned eastward towards Otterspool. She wondered if anyone would be brave enough to be kite flying in this weather but her curiosity would have to remain unsatisfied, she didn’t have the strength for such a mammoth task. The walk to the river’s edge alone had tired her but she pushed herself onwards, concentrating more on putting one foot in front of the other than she was on Louise’s chatter.

The bitter wind seemed determined to take her breath from her and she stopped next to a huge anchor, abandoned by its ship to become a lonely statue that would never touch the sea again. As she leant against it, she had run out of patience as well as energy.

‘So, are you going to tell me what you’re doing here?’

Louise was about to deny any ulterior motive but hesitated. She glanced behind her as if to check her escape route but when she looked back, there was a glint of defiance in her eyes that was so unfamiliar it took Emma by surprise.

‘You need to get in touch with Dad.’

Emma’s heart sank. ‘I’ve already told you, he can wait. In fact, he can wait forever. We don’t need him now.’

‘But this could be your last chance to see him. You might regret it,’ Louise insisted through gritted teeth. Her blonde hair had wrapped around her face and she was spitting hair out of her mouth as well as the words.

‘No, Lou, he might regret it but not me! I won’t be here, remember?’ Emma was shouting her words above the howl of the wind but that wasn’t the only reason as her anger began to grow. ‘I don’t care if he spends the rest of his life regretting it; in fact I hope he does. He really doesn’t deserve my pity.’

‘And what about me? Don’t I deserve your pity?’ Louise yelled back.

Emma didn’t respond, she didn’t know how to. She didn’t see the connection.

‘I’m losing you, Emma, and the world I’m going to have to face without you frightens me … no, it terrifies me!’

Emma shook her head. She wanted to tell Louise to stop. She felt guilty enough. She didn’t need to hear the detail. ‘You’ll cope. You’ve got Mum. You don’t need Dad.’

‘Have I? You really think I’ve got Mum?’ Louise spat out the words. ‘Emma, you come first and I don’t blame her for that, I’m sure I’d do the same. But when you’re … afterwards … how will I ever be able to turn to Mum for support knowing that whatever my problems are, they’re not going to be as big as yours or as bad as this. And even if they were, I’m always going to be compared to you and I’m always going to fall short. I know I wouldn’t be able to face what you’re going through, not the way you do.’

Louise was shaking and Emma softened, if only a little, and put an arm around her. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself, or Mum. You’ll cope, you both will.’

‘See what I mean?’ Louise cried as the anger sunk beneath the waves and anguish broke the surface to take its place. ‘You’re doing it now! You’re being the strong one. How am I ever going to be that strong, Emma? I don’t even know how I’ll keep myself together, let alone help Mum too.’

‘You’ll manage,’ Emma told her but her breaking heart gave no conviction to her words.

Louise shook her head and her falling tears were quickly whipped away by the howling wind. ‘You both keep telling me I have to stand on my own two feet and I’m trying to do that, honestly I am but I don’t know how long I can keep it up.’

Emma wasn’t aware that she was crying but the tears slid down her cheeks nonetheless. ‘You can do it, Lou. You always could and if I hadn’t fussed around you so much, you’d believe that too. You’re my baby sister and after everything we’ve been through, I wanted your life to be perfect. I needed one of our lives to be perfect and it wasn’t going to be mine,’ she said. The confession was burning the back of her throat. ‘But it’s not my life, it’s yours and it’s going to go on long after I’ve gone. You will survive this, you’re stronger than you think.’

Louise had her hand clamped over her mouth and for a moment Emma thought she would crumble under the weight of the burden that had just been placed on her shoulders but her sister surprised her. When Louise found the courage to speak there was steel in her voice. ‘I wasn’t blind. I knew you were trying to live your life vicariously through mine. I knew it and I let you because I felt so guilty. You were the one who got sick and if interfering in my life gave you some purpose then who was I to refuse? I love you, Emma, and I’ll do anything for you but please allow me this one thing,’ she said. ‘I’m going to need a shoulder to cry on and if that can’t be Mum then I want to be able to turn to Dad. But if you don’t resolve things with him now then he’ll never be able to face me. I may not know him as well as I should but I think we both know that’s what will happen.’