Angst (24 page)

We’ve got our drinks, and since the music is pumping, almost
ear splitting and everyone is crammed into a small square between the couches,
we make ourselves a place in the crowd and start dancing. Immediately, as if
summoned, we’re approached by several guys, who talk and try to flirt and
dance. A cute guy approaches me, tall with blonde hair and bright blue eyes,
introducing himself to me as Keith. We talk for a while, yelling over the loud
music and once I’ve had enough to drink I dance with him instead of Hannah. He’s
a good dancer, charming me, making me laugh with his jokes and I’m thinking,
fuck
Jared
.

Later after we’ve poured vodka drinks into our empty red
cups, and have been drinking steadily, Keith sits down in a chair against the
wall for a moment to get some alcohol out of his backpack. His friends are
gathered around, as well as mine and one of his friends looks at me and says,

“It’s the kid’s birthday, give him a fuckin lapdance!”

I grin and nod my head no at first and then I think,
why
the fuck not?
Hannah flashes me a wicked grin, nodding yes to this
suggestion so I straddle Keith’s thighs. He looks up at me in surprise as I
hold the back of the chair behind him and lean back, grinding against him. It
doesn’t take him long to acclimate though, grinning, hands on my waist, then
moving to my gyrating hips. His friends gather around him as I get in close,
one of my favorite songs thumping in the background.
Fuck everything
,
I’m buzzed, inhibitions gone, the world blurry and not quite real anymore. The
guys around him are excited, cat calling to their friend.

“Look at her hips,” says a tall dark guy, as more gather
around. I rub myself against him, my chest up against his face and then away
and back, rolling, the music porno-like. “Bow-chicka-bow-wow,” I sing along
loudly, pulling in close to his face for a moment giving him a very clear view
of my tits in my low cut shirt.

I briefly note that one of the guys pulls Hannah aside and
yells something in her ear and she looks at him and shrugs her shoulders, with
a smirk. She leans over to me and yells into my ear.

“He asked if we’re the girls who made out on the stage at
ATO. He wants a repeat performance and I said I didn’t know if you’d be up for
it.”

I laugh and still holding the back of the chair with one
hand, reach up with the other and pull her mouth down to mine. We kiss for a
minute, our mouths closed, then finally slanting, opening up and the guys
around us go crazy. Inside I’m thinking,
it’s actually kinda weird that I’m
kissing a girl, it doesn’t really feel that different than kissing a guy, other
than the fact her lips are softer.
It’s like we’re a freaking side show,
exhibitionists
much?
I pull away from Hannah and Keith looks completely stunned, mouth
hanging open, eyes wide. I smile at him slowly, grip the back of the chair with
both hands, then roll my head, hair swishing across my face.

This shit is bragging rights. I know my friends will talk
about this for weeks to come. I take one hand off the back of the chair and
reach to pull my shirt up a bit, grinding into his lap, finally rubbing the
back of his neck with one hand, still dancing and he just grins at me and I
smirk back. My friends whoop, cat calling, gathered around the chair and
eventually we’re all dancing together, Hannah and I dirty dancing, Celeste and
Kayla grinding on one another. The guys are loving it.

We’re such damn attention whores!
I smile, I don’t
care. I feel brand new, out for my first time this semester, throwing caution
to the wind, the alcohol giving me a confidence I never feel when I’m sober.

After another round, the girls and I decide we’re leaving
and I give Keith my goodbyes. He leans in and kisses me on the lips his hands
moving to my waist and I realize that my little performance has definitely done
its work. I sigh,
sure it works on the guy I don’t really want long term.

 “I really like you. You’re hot,” he whispers in my ear.

“Thank you,” I answer stupidly, not sure what else to say.

“Where are you going?” he asks as I thread my way through
the crowd toward the door where my friends are waiting, their coats already on.

“I’m not sure,” I reply as I approach Hannah. Keith seems
like a nice guy and maybe it would be good if Jared saw me with someone else? I
mean shit…he hasn’t shown any interest in me at all lately. Although, I know
the second he did, I’d be all over it.
Lame!!
“Hannah, where are we
going now?” I ask.

“We’re going to ATO, betch,” she says, giving me a
meaningful look. I know she’s thinking “home of Jared.”

“Cool, let’s go, snatch,” I say as Keith asks if he can tag
along. I’m game, so I nod.

“Let me tell my friend Brian,” he says, loping off to tell a
tall good looking dark skinned guy that we’re leaving. Brian seems interested,
too, and joins us as we hoof it to the frat.

“Hopefully they’ll let us in,” says Brian with a laugh, his
breath making clouds in the cold air. “They don’t usually want to let in a
bunch of dudes, but since we’re with you it might help.” When we finally
arrive, out of breath and shivering with the cold, we’re let in right away.

“Hey, Angel and Devil…oh and flasher girl too!” says the
frat’s version of a bouncer. “Get your asses inside!” We laugh and push our way
inside the crowded frat. The music is booming as usual and the place is crowded
and packed with bodies. I’m very nicely buzzed now, the world a bit grainy like
an old photograph and my excitement is rising because I hope that Jared will be
here.

I spot Andy almost immediately as we make our way down the
basement stairs but he hasn’t seen us yet. Jared is standing near him, looking
absolutely to die for in dark jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt with a
beer logo on the back.
Will he even acknowledge me?

“Victoria, let’s grab a drink,” says Hannah, pulling me out
of my thoughts. I pull a 180, tearing my eyes off Jared and follow her to a
table by the stairs and start pouring myself a nasty Solo cup of Bud Light. As
Hannah takes her turn with the keg, I turn to survey the scene for a moment. The
frat is packed, literally wall to wall and I keep looking over at Jared, my
eyes always drawn to the one place I don’t want to be caught looking. He’s
facing away from me, talking animatedly, laughing and smiling, surrounded by
both girls and guys.

Finally Hannah’s ready and we make our way through the crowd
of dancing people in the center of the floor, holding our full red cups above
so that they won’t be jostled by elbows and arms. Keith and Brian are following
along behind me and as we make our way I notice that there are girls
everywhere, dressed like total skanks in short skirts, tight jeans, low cut
tank tops and everything in between.
Really am I that different? I know…I
shouldn’t judge...but shit these girls are hoes!
Suddenly I feel depression
slide over me, my excitement doused as I glance around. How the hell am I ever
going to get a guy for myself when there are so many good looking girls
everywhere I turn, or to be more specific, how am I going to get the guy I
want?

As we move slowly through the dense crowd, I start comparing
myself to every girl I squeeze past, deciding that they are prettier for this
reason or that.
This girl has bigger boobs than me and they look hot in her
tiny v-neck tee, that one has better legs in that skirt, this girl’s hair is
better, God how I wish I had full curly hair, I’m sure my face isn’t that
pretty
, my gaze traveling up the length of a girl in a tight short skirt
with perfect even features, her eyes bright blue and piercing, her auburn hair
long and wavy. I’m definitely able to appreciate female beauty.
Damn all
these pretty bitches to hell.

I notice that Keith’s and Brian’s eyes are never still as we
walk, darting left and right almost as if there’s too much to take in all at
once. God, I have to stop this, it’s hard to compare myself to others, because
I have no idea how I appear to anyone. Usually I assume the worst, assuming I’m
not up to par. I was feeling adrenaline and confidence earlier when dancing in
a room full of guys, but now at the frat packed with girls I’m not feeling as
full of myself.

Finally we find a slightly open spot to hang out amid the
dancing and Hannah and I dance together, singing along with every song that
pumps over the speakers. The guys aren’t dancing at the moment, just standing together,
drinking and yelling to be heard. Jared is closer now, but he still hasn’t
looked in my direction but, like an idiot, I keep finding myself looking over
at him, seeing a few girls sidling up to him, flirting, giggling, touching his
arm and chest casually as if it’s part of conversation, but I know they’re
drunk as hell and want him as much as I do.
Fuck.
Why do I have to feel
wicked shy around him, why can’t I be the one to approach him and feel
confident that he’s interested? But I’m not “that girl” and I’m definitely not
drunk enough to become her, especially with Jared.

Now that I’m thinking about “that girl,” the damn
over-confident slut who’s always sure the guys she likes is interested in her,
I’m remembering a time in high school when I tried to be her. Just once I tried
it, tried to be confident, tried to believe that I was good enough and I got
burned, bad.

I was drunk and I was sure he was interested, my latest
crush of the month. He was a friend of my friend’s boyfriend and I told him while
I was drunk that I would sleep with him anytime, anywhere, had really put
myself out there, only to be scorned. To be told I was crazy, drunk,
ridiculous. I started screaming at him, so angry that he dared to insult me. The
feelings had been instantaneous, flashing over me like lightning and later I
wanted to die with embarrassment and shame when I thought about it. Thinking
about it still burns me even though the memory is hazy, as drunk ones often
are.

Rejection is horrible. Now looking back on it I think his
rejection must have had something to do with the fact that I fooled around with
his friend when he hadn’t shown immediate interest in me the night before. It
was my stupid mistake, not to realize that this might make him mad. I hadn’t
really been thinking at all obviously. It was like…
oh you don’t want me…well
your friend does.
But I guess that ruined it from then on out.
I’m an
idiot
. But it fuckin frustrates me when people don’t express themselves
fully, which seems to happen to me, constantly. In fact tonight is probably
another perfect example of me fucking things up royally. But I can’t seem to
stop.

Keith starts dancing with me now, but I’m on autopilot for
the moment, stuck inside my thoughts. I know I can’t put myself out there, I
can’t walk up to Jared and say “Here I am, I know you want me!” Especially when
he hasn’t show any interest at all. Instead I’m dancing, pretending to have fun
while inside I’m bumming, hoping he’ll notice me, hoping he’s even interested,
trying to play with Keith for the time being while I wait. I feel like an
asshole, using another guy to make Jared notice me. But here is Keith, in the
flesh, and he seems nice and he’s paying attention to me. It seems that he only
has eyes for me. I know it won’t amount to anything, but a night of fun is
okay. It’s not like I’m leading him on, right?

I quickly turn around in Keith’s arms as Jared’s eyes
finally alight on mine. I hadn’t realized I was staring. So, Jared has seen me,
now what? Anything? Nothing? I pretend to focus on Celeste and Hannah, trying
to dance and not spill my drink down the front of my new shirt, letting Keith
touch me as I grind. I wish it wasn’t so but the guy I really want is living it
up in the corner with his brother, surrounded by other attractive girls who are
pouring it on thick.
Yea! Fuck.

Eventually Andy comes up to Hannah and stops to chat,
putting his arm around her and giving her a quick kiss on the mouth.

“Good to see you finally, babe!” he says, smiling with
pleasure. “Hey, Victoria,” he yells, coming in close to be heard over the noise
of people and music. “Jared’s around here somewhere,” he says, eyes flicking at
Keith hovering protectively over my shoulder. He seems to brush it off,
thank
God
, and ushers us back to the drink table, offering us another beer. The
two guys hang back, pulling alcohol out of their backpacks, mixing themselves
drinks in red Solo cups.

I glance around to look for Jared again, trying to see
through the smoky, crowded room. All I can see are bodies pulsing, people playing
drinking games in the corner, loud talking, singing and jostling and directly
to my right some guy is helping a girl with a beer bong, holding it up high so
that the beer will flow.
Wish I had one of those ‘cause I need more to
drink, this night sucks.
I spot him and he’s standing off to one side
talking to a few guys that I vaguely recognize as friends of his. I also spot
Samantha, Ian and Seth. Seth catches my eye with a grin and pulls in Samantha
to point me out. He gives me a little wave and a smile as Samantha pushes
through the crowd in our direction, finally bounding up, all smiles, to greet
me.

“Good to see you again, Victoria,” she says pulling me in
for a quick squeeze. “How are you?” she asks, looking me up and down. “You look
damn good! Love your tank top,” she says, flashing her white teeth.

“I’m good, Samantha, good to see you too,” I reply, laughing
as Samantha grabs my arm, pulling me back out into the crowd of throbbing
bodies. As we dance, she leans in close, her mouth near my ear.

“What ever happened with Jared?” she asks, pulling back to
look at me, eyes questioning. I roll my eyes with a shrug ‘cause I’m not really
sure what to say.

“I have no idea,” I reply. “He doesn’t call or ask me to do
anything. I’m really confused because I thought he was interested, but then
suddenly he wasn’t anymore.”