Angst (19 page)

I pull on a dark green sweater, the seventh I’ve tried on
tonight. Nothing is working and this is my last option. I’m frustrated, looking
at myself in the mirror, annoyed that I have a zit on my chin, my hair is weird
and full of static electricity and I have to leave for Jared’s house within 10
minutes.
Oh this sucks!!!
And per usual, my anxiety is eating me up
inside causing every physical sensation, compressed chest, harsh breathing,
warped belly and a lovely feverish trembling. It’s devouring my confidence,
eroding my will.
I can’t do this
, I think, examining my face again,
trying to see if I can detect the blemish under my concealor. It looks okay,
but why oh why can’t I have perfect skin! This sweater will have to do, I
decide, turning around in the mirror, looking at myself from every angle.

I’ve been invited by Jared to a Holiday party at his
parents’ house. Well technically I guess Andy invited me and Jared nodded,
yeah
,
he nodded.
That’s a good sign, right?
We were at the
frat last weekend and Andy says, “Oh you and Hannah should come to our annual
holiday party at my ‘rents house,” and Jared nodded, smiling. Ok, what the hell
does that mean? I have no idea. I really can’t figure him out. Does he want to
be with me? Is this a sign? We’ve hung out a few times at the frat, definitely
not together, but as part of the group. But no other personal dates. It’s
really weird to me, cause usually guys want to get up close and personal ASAP,
but Jared hasn’t made even the hint of a move since that first night. I’m
going, but I don’t get it. I guess it means nothing because Ian, Samantha and
Seth were invited too.

Finally I look as good as I’m going to and there’s just
enough time for a quick trip to the restroom to try and ease my achy
mid-section and then it’s time to leave. Finally I’m ready and go downstairs to
say goodbye to my mom.

“Don’t you look nice,” my mother points out, looking me over
from head to toe. “A little too much cleavage, Daughter, you don’t want him
expecting things,” she says, motioning for me to pull up my sweater.

 “Oh mother,” I mumble, pulling my stretchy sweater front
even lower, revealing even more cleavage than before. “Ha,” I laugh, as my
mother reaches out to swat my hand away from my chest.

“What a bad daughter you are,” she teases, pulling me in for
a hug. “Be safe,” she says, pulling away to look me in the eyes. “How are you
feeling?”

“I’m okay, well, actually, I’m pretty nervous,” I moan
shrugging in misery. “You know how it is, Mother,” I say, my eyes tearing up a
little.

 “I know,” she commiserates, “I’m sorry this had to happen
to you, I really am.” We hug again and I fight to hold back the tears that
threaten to ruin my make-up.

“I’ve gotta go, Mom, I love you,” I say, gathering up my
jacket and handbag, heading for the front door.

I drive to Hannah’s dorm in a daze. I try to pay attention
to my driving, the snow covered landmarks sweeping by the window, but all my
focus is on how I’m feeling.
I’m going to be okay
, I tell myself.
Everything
is fine
. I will get there soon and I’ll be fine as soon as I see Hannah and
I can lose myself in our conversation.

Twenty minutes later when we arrive at Jared and Andy’s
house, I’m surprised to find that they grew up in a large old New Englander. The
house is down a long driveway, surrounded by tall old oak trees and I’m
impressed by the large yard and the house itself, although it looks a little
worn, is definitely homey and inviting. As we pull into a parking spot, the
driveway is packed with cars of all kinds, there’s definitely a festive air to
the atmosphere.

“Nice house,” says Hannah as we get out of the car near a
large old red barn with sagging sides, the kind typically found in New England
towns.

“Yeah,” I agree, the butterflies in my stomach working on
overdrive, not fluttering like they should be but slamming against my mid-rift.
The beginning of the night is always the worst for me. Entering a new situation
or a place I’ve never been before always makes me really anxious.
Shit, be
honest, every Goddamned thing makes me nervous
. I take a deep breath and
look over at Hannah for approval as we make our way up the gravel walk. Hannah
smiles at me encouragingly and I think about how ridiculous it is that she has
no idea that I feel like I’ve got the flu. I tear my mind away from that train
of thought and instead wonder, again, why I’ve been invited? It’s so weird. In
the meantime, Hannah raps on the beautifully carved red wooden door decorated
with a fir wreath that smells heavenly. I can hear holiday music playing inside
and a blast of warm delicious aromas greet us as an older woman with shoulder
length curly hair opens the door.

“Hi, you must be Mrs. McKinley,” Hannah says as she holds
out her hand to the woman. Mrs. McKinley’s face breaks into a huge smile and
she pumps Hannah’s hand with vigor, pulling us into the warm delicious smelling
room.

“You must be Hannah, Andy told us to expect you and your
friend, Victoria, right?” says Mrs. McKinley holding out her hand toward me. I
smile and offer my hand and Mrs. McKinley draws us on into the house through
the kitchen and down a short hallway papered with an old fashioned rose pattern.

“The boys have told me very little about you girls,” she
says, turning back to smile at us over her shoulder. “They aren’t very
talkative with their old Ma, but they both mentioned that they had invited some
very nice girls to our annual holiday party. I’m very pleased to meet you two!”
She ushers us into a large long living room with a blazing fireplace at the
end. A huge tree dominates a corner of the room, its white lights twinkling in
the dim lamp light. Guests are mingling throughout the room, some sitting on
well-worn and comfortable looking furniture, while others stand in groups with
little plates of hors d’oeuvres. A table is set up near the entrance with all
kinds of goodies, from home-made mini quiche to a delicious looking chocolate
cake and chocolate chunk cookies. Soft holiday music wafts over us, reminding
me of Christmases spent at my grandparents’ old farm house.

“Help yourselves to snacks and I’ll rustle up the boys. I
know they’re here somewhere. They probably snuck off to the basement to play
video games.” Mrs. McKinley shakes her head, making her short curls bob as if
she just can’t understand boys. I feel slightly ill at ease and am glad that
Hannah is here with me. We step up to the spread and began to fill little glass
plates with food.

“Try the mushroom and bacon mini quiche,” says a masculine
voice over my shoulder as I stand in indecision in front of the large variety
of quiche. I turn my head, surprised to find a tall good looking man with dark
brown hair, wearing a light blue polo shirt standing behind me. He looks so
much like Jared and Andy that he has to be their dad. I’m surprised because he
doesn’t really look that much older, though, with boyish good looks that have
apparently withstood the years.

“Why are they the best of all the quiche?” I ask, smiling up
at him. He laughs, eyes crinkling.

“I really shouldn’t know since supposedly ‘real men’ don’t
eat quiche. But I can personally assure you that this man does eat quiche and
you really can’t go wrong with bacon.” I laugh and he holds out his hand. “I’m
Jared and Andy’s dad and you must be Victoria. Jared described you to a T when
he said you were coming so we’d be sure to know who you were.” I blush, amazed
that Jared had actually told his family about me. I pick up a bacon and
mushroom mini quiche as Jared and Andy bound into the room from the hallway.

“Hello, ladies!” says Andy, clearly in good spirits, with a
beer bottle in one hand and a mini quiche stolen from the kitchen in the other.
“Glad you could make it,” he says putting an arm around Hannah. Jared stands a
little to the side of his brother and just grins at me.

“Hi, Vicky, I see you’ve met my old man,” he says, slapping
his father on the back as he elbows his way toward the goody table. “I’ve got
to get some of this Spinach and Artichoke Dip. It’s soooo good,” he says,
scooping up dip onto a plate and grabbing a handful of chips.

“Let’s give the girls the grand tour,” says Andy, pulling
Hannah toward the doorway while Jared and I follow, our plates overflowing with
food. I’m surprised to notice, almost standing back away from myself in a
detached sort of way, that I haven’t been feeling nervous since everything is
happening so fast. My attention is focused on Jared as we make our way down the
hallway and up a large staircase to the second floor.

“This is the glorious second floor of our familial abode and
you girls are in for a treat because you are about to witness the macho
man-cave that is the shared bedroom of Andrew and Jared McKinley. Don’t hold
your breath, Hannah, it’s going to be okay,” says Andy with a wink as he steers
us down a large hallway to a door on our left. “And yes, Jared and I still
share a room even though we could have separate rooms now if we wanted to. Many
years ago our parents took down a wall between two rooms and gave us this
massive sweet room.”

We enter the large room to find two twin beds set on either
side of a large open space. There are several windows letting in the last of
the fading light. The room is filled with sports equipment, rock ‘n’ roll
posters, an old TV, a record player and stacks and stacks of old records and
two matching desks. I smile as I step into the room with Jared right behind me.
He ducks his head in embarrassment as I examine his Tinker toys and Legos in the
corner.

“Still playing with toys, are you, Jared?” I ask, a little
grin on my face.

“Well, being ‘mechanically inclined’ I find that I do enjoy
fooling around with that stuff and I couldn’t get rid of it,” he says
sheepishly. I laugh as I pull out the huge plastic container of Legos.

“Jared, I absolutely love playing Legos! It was my favorite
thing to do as a child. That and matchbox cars. I used to love to play with
them outside in the dirt, driving them around,” I say with a smile. Jared
smiles back as he pulls me toward his desk. Arranged on the top shelf are
several complicated Lego structures, vehicles of all kinds.

“These are the kits I got as a kid and I’ve never wanted to
take them apart or put them away. I had so much fun putting them together.” I
sit down in his chair, enthralled that I’m witnessing another side of Jared. His
desk is arrayed with books, engineering texts, a few photos of family and
friends. One features Jared and Andy with a large group of friends near a lake.
Jared sits next to a pretty blonde, his arm around her waist.

“Who’s that?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me
as I examine the girl, trying to determine how I must compare to her blonde
petite good looks.

“That’s my ex-girlfriend Kelly,” he replies. “I really ought
to get rid of that one, but I still like it because of all my friends.” I
shrug, as if to tell Jared it isn’t a big deal, when secretly I’m studying this
girl as a clue to what Jared is all about. She’s pretty, very pretty, and I
wonder how I can possibly compare to her golden good looks.
Uggg
, I
force myself to look at other parts of the room so it doesn’t appear that I’m
staring.

Hannah and Andy are sitting on Andy’s bed talking quietly. The
room is really great, such a guy’s room, with sports jerseys, dirty socks on
the floor and an array of art paraphernalia and photography equipment on Andy’s
side. Andy gets up to show Hannah an old fashioned camera.

“That’s very cool,” I say looking at the camera as I turn to
see Jared watching me. “What?” I ask finding his eyes on mine.

“Nothin,” he replies with a grin as he pulls the Lego bin
out further into the room. “You up for playing some Legos for a few minutes
until we have to go back downstairs and mingle with my aunts and uncles and
cousins and friends and everyone else in the world?”

“I’d love to,” I reply folding my legs underneath myself as
I sit on the wood floor. I laugh as Jared brings out all his Legos. He has
pirate Legos, horse Legos, boats, carriages, moon men, space rockets and more.

“Wow, you really were into this, huh?!” I ask, amazed at his
collection.

“Yeah, I love this stuff,” he says putting two blue
interlocking pieces together in a partially made space craft. I pick up a long
thin board.

“I always enjoyed making houses. You know how girls are with
playing house,” I say, putting blocks together, gathering up windows and doors
for my design. We work in companionable silence as Andy and Hannah chat. Jared,
his spacecraft complete, gets it ready for takeoff, running on an imaginary
runway and swooping into the air. It twists and turns in midflight and then
takes a nose dive right at my semi-complete Lego mansion.

“Bombs away,” he says, dropping Legos on top of my
unfinished design.

“Hey, hey, hey!” I say, swatting his hands away. “Boys
always were no fun to play with,” I say, pretending to pout. “I was just going
to put in a new bathroom and you had to go and ruin everything.” Jared reaches
over chucking Legos at me, as I giggle and throw some at him, until it’s a
full-on war, Legos flying everywhere.

“Hey, children, you’re really making a big mess over there
and someone might have to go into time out,” says Andy, towering over us. I
laugh and get to my feet.

“Okay okay, truce,” I say, putting my hand out to Jared. He
grabs my hand, pulling me back down beside him and on top of my Lego house. “Ouch!”
I say as it breaks into two pieces. “Bully!” I giggle as I try to punch him in
the arm. I love how we were being immature and ridiculous. Hannah and Andy
glare at us like vengeful parents.

“I think it’s time to go downstairs to appease the ‘real’
parental units,” says Andy, watching balefully as Jared and I scurry to pick up
the errant Legos from around the room. “Besides Seth, Ian and Samantha are
supposed to be here soon.”