Angst (18 page)

Hannah’s back and she pops open a pink marker and
enthusiastically motions for me to turn around so she can write something on my
back. It tickles through the thin cloth and I laugh, unable to stop myself even
though I’d like to keep my black mood snug around me for as long as I can.

“What are you writing?” I ask her as I feel the pressure of
the pen lift from my shirt. I pull the cotton over my shoulder a bit to see if
I can see it, but it just looks like pink to me.

“I wrote Snatch in huge fucking letters!” she says with a
hoot, handing a marker to me so I can write something on her.

“I’ll write Snatch on you too,” I say with a grin as she
turns around and I get really artistic making bubble letters with little flames
coming off them.

The music is having some kind of identity crisis for the
moment as the DJ mixes hip hop and rave techno music and finally he makes the
switch to hip hop and Hannah and I start dancing. I guess I don’t need to be a
total bitch just ‘cause the guy I like pretty much obliterated my feelings and
crushed my confidence last time I saw him. Hopefully I don’t see him again. And
he could be here, Andy is after all.

Kayla and Celeste finally have markers and are writing on a
giggling Hannah. Finally Kayla comes up to me.

“Darling Victoria, let me ink you, you betch,” she says with
an evil smile as she scoots down to write something on my stomach.

“Flex those abs so I have something to write on,” she teases
and I do and she writes something very quickly so I can’t catch it. I see a
huge F and some scroll letters after it.

“What the hell did you write, you slut,” I say with a grin,
worried for a second, cause she’s probably inked me with something completely
wild…but whatev,
I’m gonna wear that shit with pride.

She pulls up and grins at me again, her little sideways sly
smile and I yank up my shirt to try to read what she wrote. It says…
Fuck me
now
.

“Are you trying to say something, Kay?” I ask with a grin
and she smiles.

“You need to get laid honey, pure and simple.”  I laugh and
she starts dancing with me as a particularly thumping part of the song blares.

“I fucking love this song, unce, unce,” she says, hand
swishing over her head with the beat like she’s slapping someone’s ass. Kayla
cracks me the fuck up. How can I stay cranky with these girls around? So I’m
dancing now too and then decide I need to write on her. She hands me a marker
with an uplifted eyebrow and I give her an “I don’t know what I’m gonna write
on you” shrug and then a small evil smile and make her turn around so I can
write on her back.

I decide to draw a huge liquor bottle with the words drink
me on it. And then nearby I draw some pills with the words eat me near them,
and then I add some crazy swirls behind the pills and bottle. I guess I’m
feeling a little like we’re down the rabbit hole tonight at this freaked party.

“Oh my God, that’s awesome, draw that shit on me! You should
be a tattoo artist,” says Celeste with a grin and I turn and give her some
biz-art as well.

And that’s when I see him. I turn around and he’s there
behind me in the crowd. My heart soars and then crashes and burns as I remember
the truth.
He doesn’t want me
. But he looks so good, his white t-shirt tight
against his chest and arms and very white against his olive skin. It has blue,
yellow and green highlighter glowing all over it, words, drawings and more. The
thing that stands out the most to me in that quick glance are the words,
I’m
a slut
in huge block letters on his chest with a pair of small crude tits
drawn nearby. I don’t think he’s seen me yet cause he’s talking with his
brother, but it appears that Andy has seen Hannah and keeps glancing at her out
of the corner of his eye with a crooked smile. And Hannah keeps smiling back.
Those
two crazy kids
. Now if only Jared wasn’t the person who crushed my
feelings, everything would be perfect.

Andy and Hannah are in some kind of undefined relationship,
but he seems pretty happy to see her and is now giving her a peck on the lips. Jared
doesn’t look my way and I continue to dance with Kayla, although I feel pretty
ridiculous. I’m not really sure what his problem is with me. He said he wants
me, he admitted it, but he doesn’t want to “be” with me or sleep with me.
What
the hell does that mean?
How can I wrap my head around that shit and
somehow still act like a normal human being when he’s around? I feel like
absolute hell…am I not attractive enough, am I too weird or something, or am I
just…I don’t know, some kind of slut or a turn off? I don’t get it. I’ve acted
pretty damn normal around him…ah well...all except for running away at the frat
when he tried to sleep with me in a one night stand.
Oh yeah…that
. And
he always seems to be around. It’s driving me insane.

My cheeks are burning now because I feel so embarrassed and
I can tell Hannah has noticed cause she seems concerned, suddenly frowning in
my direction, probably remembering how pissy I’ve been all week about this
particular person standing next to her. I smile very tightly at her and guzzle
more of my drink. It keeps my hands busy and my mouth and also of course it’s
necessary to calm the fear frenzy that is always building inside me against my
will.

Andy eventually starts to look at me too because Hannah is
giving me little smiles to try to cheer me up. She mouths, SMILE, and I nod and
roll my eyes back at her. Andy leans in and is talking to her now and keeps
looking in my direction and she keeps grinning in a naughty, I’m betraying you,
kind of way.
Shit, is she telling him?
That fucking bitch, she
probably is
. I drink a few more sips and realize it’s time for more and
quickly ditch the group and make my way through drunken idiots who are weaving
their arms around like fools with glow in the dark beads and necklaces wrapped
around them, rubbing against one another.
These people are on drugs, and I’m
not joking. Weird fucks!
I fill my cup and watch Jared’s back.
He’s so
hot. He’s so…awesome.
I’m so fucking smitten with him and he doesn’t want
me. My heart feels heavy.
God I’m a loser.

Finally I have to go back, although I wish I didn’t have to,
watching my cup to make sure it doesn’t slosh over the edge. When I finally do
look up to make sure I’m going in the right direction, he’s watching me, his
eyes hard to read in the dark, but I think he’s sort of upset? Maybe? I can’t
really tell because right when I look at him, he looks away. As soon as I get
back I can tell there’s trouble though cause Andy grabs my wrist and pulls me
over to their circle.

“Listen kids, let’s just all be friends,” he says with a
laugh and Jared laughs, kind of stiffly.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I say sarcastically, “I
thought we were all BFF’s here.”

While I’m saying this I can’t help but notice that Jared’s
shirt has all kinds of other shit on it…scribbles that say things like, I want
you. Your sexy,
wrong “you’re” idiot bitch
. I heart you with a little
heart. No fucking guy would do that. Guys only draw penises on each other or lame
looking tits so he’s had fucking girls all over him already tonight.
Goddamn
him.

I stiffen at this knowledge and smile and Jared just smiles
sort of awkwardly and doesn’t say anything.

“Draw something on her to break the frigid ice,” says Andy
with a sly grin, shoving a yellow highlighter into Jared’s hand. Jared tries to
push it away but can’t ‘cause Andy suddenly doesn’t have hands that work. They’re
all limp, non-accepting hands.

”Nope not taking that thing back…my hands don’t work so
fucking do it. I said so and I’m your younger brother and I can demand shit out
of you, fucking do it,” he says. Jared sighs.
Is writing on me such a
fucking chore? He can’t touch me? Fuck him. God I hate him
. Hannah’s
pulling on my arm now cause I’m just kind of standing there, bring my red cup
up and down, up and down.
I’m like a Goddamned robot. Let’s get fucking
drunk kids!

Jared gets close now and he really is going to write
something on me. His reluctance has apparently turned into a tiny smile and he
smells so damn good and seems so large, larger than life next to me.
I wish
he’d kiss me, I wish this wasn’t so fucking weird. Why did I have to push him
last time? Why did I force him to admit that he wants me but doesn’t want me? What
the fuck is wrong with me? And what the fuck does that mean???

He leans in and clearly he’s going to write on my chest. I
smile uncomfortably and as soon the marker touches me it’s like it’s an
extension of him. I shiver.
Touch me more, fucking touch me.
He’s having
a hard time writing on me, so finally gives in and puts a hand on my shoulder
to steady me.
Zing. Oh wow
.

The marker glides, warm and soft and now there’s a picture
of a stick figure on my chest.
A fucking stick figure, yeah.
Now I know
why Andy always makes fun of his drawing skills. They suck. But then he stops
and writes something next to it that I can’t read. When he backs away and I can
finally see it, it says, Wicked Victoria in sideways-ish letters and the stick
figure is actually a mini devil with horns and a tail. I look up at him and he
looks serious and a moment passes between us, like a memory, both of us
remembering what he said and what I said. I shiver again and finally he speaks,
his voice lilting like a joke, but I’m not sure it is a joke.

“It’s an appropriate description, don’t you think? Although
if there was room I would have drawn in like 10 more stick figures, you know,
like your ‘horde’ of adoring hell-followers.”

I swallow,
okay
. Then I force myself to smile like it
is a joke.

“Yeah, I guess that is fitting. I am totally a little
devil,” I say and it’s still awkward between us, his words from the other night
hovering in the background. He turns away, hands the marker back to Andy and
leaves, heading toward the keg. I just stand there and play back his words,
repeating them in my head, and I can almost feel his mouth on mine right before
he said them, burning and urgent.

“I want to fuck you, okay? I've wanted to since day one and
I can't pretend anymore that I don't. But…you… piss me the fuck off… I want to
fuck you, but I won’t.”

The planetarium lights start to dim and the show is about to
go on. I’ve been sitting here with Hannah for about 10 minutes, trying to keep
my mind off the whirling thoughts in my head. Of course I want to leave. Of
course the damn radio station in my head that I’m always tuned in to is telling
me to run away, that I’m going to be sick, that I’m going to have to leave
during the show.

When we walked in a few minutes ago, I picked a seat near an
exit. Hannah wanted to sit somewhere else, but I held my ground, sitting down
and refusing to get up. I’m so fucking weird. So she finally gave in and came
over to sit by me after trying to plead with me for a few moments about how the
seat she was standing in front of was so much better. I kept telling her, nope,
I’ve chosen, my butt is down and I’m not getting up again. I can tell she’s a
bit irritated, but I’m adamant about being close to escape in case I need to
leave. And so we’ve been waiting.
I hate waiting
. But finally everyone
is here and now the lights are going down and the show is about to begin.

As the presenter starts to go through the spiel, the lights
fade and the solar system is suddenly projected on the ceiling, slowly turning
and moving, and all I can think about is damn NASA.
NASA ruined my life
.
Not really, but it’s funny to think about. I mean, seeing the shuttle lift off
when I was a kid should have been really cool, a highlight of my childhood, but
instead of being a highlight of something good, it was something negative,
burned into my memory. So being here brings that trip back to me. The Kennedy
Space Center, the shuttle lift off and the best part, the irrational fucked up
crazy fear.
Fackkkk
.

But thinking about these things makes my heart pound, and a
sheen of sweat forms on my forehead and upper lip, so I try to distract myself
and pay attention to the show. I’m sort of on the verge of fear sickness right
now, trying to hold it down and not run out of here. It’s low lying, under the radar,
but definitely still there.

Plus, Hannah asked if she could ride back with me because
she doesn’t want to take the bus. I agreed, what else could I say? So that ups
it a bit. My newly named VSUX crazy-fear station starts to play loudly in my
head as the lights get even darker, the doors disappearing into the shadows,
with only the glowing Exit signs still showing.
Thank God those are there
.
So yeah, then the talk show blasts me…
be afraid dumb bitch. You can’t
escape. You can’t leave because you told Hannah you would take her with you. Well,
technically you could leave and make her ride the bus. She wouldn’t be happy,
she would think you were some kind of freak…but you could manage it. So calm
the fuck down. Stop quivering like some kind of terrified helpless puppy. Gawd.

So I deal with myself and somehow I’m able to get through
it. Luckily it doesn’t explode in my face like my other dealings with the
universe, outer space and planets.
So weird. How weird is it that my
fucked-upness is somehow tied in with space travel? Haha. Ridiculous!
So
now the lights finally come back on and I breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve done
it. Now just to drive the 45 minutes back to NHU and then I’m off the hook,
made it through another test of wills. But, there is another yet to come. The
dreaded and yet excitement inducing Holiday Party at the McKinley house. I can
never freakin relax.