Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (28 page)
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Authors: Jack Morin Ph.d.
Even those with an expanding anal repertoire, think of receiving intercourse as a bit of an ordeal, and for good reason, too. Not only does it require deeper levels of self-understanding and honest communication, there's also a whole new group of risks and opportunities to take into account. About a quarter of my research participants were able to progress quickly from other forms of anal stimulation to intercourse. The others needed to take their time, completely free of pressure.
Not surprisingly, taking it slow is especially important for those who've been hurt or traumatized by intercourse in the past. Anybody who's faced a painful anal medical problem, been coerced or abused, or been subjected to heavy demands from a partner, knows how difficult it is to replace negative associations with positive ones. With patience, though, most people with negative anal experiences who genuinely desire intercourse, are eventually able to make it safe enough to enjoy, even if only occasionally.
Anal intercourse is much more likely to be enjoyable if self-pleasuring has first become comfortable. Therefore, I strongly recommend that you not attempt intercourse until you've explored your own anus, even if you're tried intercourse before. This is a caution to those of you who skipped or skimmed the previous chapters without seriously trying any of the suggested exercises.
Similarly, if you've made a point of practicing the verbal and tactile communication skills discussed in the previous chapters, you'll find the transition to anal intercourse far less anxiety-provoking, and thus more enjoyable. Virtually all of the women, and most of the men, I've worked with feel that a partner with whom they've already shared other anal experiences is the natural choice for exploring intercourse. However, a few of the men prefer a partner whom they don't already know. Rather than consciously creating a comfortable atmosphere for experimentation, these men wait until they're in the mood and an opportunity presents itself; then they just go for it. Of course, health considerations require that they give the matter at least enough forethought to have condoms and lube handy, and to know how to use them.
Once anal self-pleasuring and non-intercourse mutual pleasuring have become enjoyable, a positive transition to intercourse is mostly dependent on how it's attempted, and the nature of the relationship in which it occurs. Some people abandon all they've learned about their anal muscles and expect them to yield to intercourse immediately, without giving themselves a chance to relax and feel secure. More than a few even violate their no-pain-ever agreement and resort to coercion, and then are frustrated and disappointed when pain is the result. The goal of this chapter is to help you explore anal intercourse while remaining in contact with both your partner and yourself.
WHAT Is ANAL INTERCOURSE?
ANAL INTERCOURSE involves inserting an erect penis through the anal canal and into the rectum, typically accompanied by varying types of movements, body contact, holding, and stroking. Traditional ideas about intercourse preclude a number of intriguing possibilities, such as two women enjoying it with each other, a straight man being on the receiving end with a woman lover, or a man who can't, for whatever reason, maintain a rigid erection still being the inserter.
We can begin to see how anal intercourse could occur in any of these situations if we broaden our definition to include the option of using a phallusshaped object instead of an actual penis. With this expanded vision, anal intercourse becomes available for practically anyone who wants it, whether there's an erect penis around or not.
The advantages of moving beyond a penis-centered concept of intercourse seem obvious. Yet a surprising number of people consider the idea switching roles ludicrous, or even personally threatening. I've often heard it said by men and women alike that intercourse without a penis is just "pretending," a pale imitation of the real thing. Hardly any, though, have actually tried it, which raises the question: Why not?
Expanding our ideas about intercourse requires that we free ourselves from the limitations imposed by strictly defined gender roles-an unwelcome proposition, even for some who consider themselves liberated. If anyone can be a inserter or receiver, how do we know how to act? The answer, of course, is: any way you want. But even those who've been oppressed by gender stereotypes may still be reluctant to violate them. Some women fear that being more sexually aggressive is unfeminine. And men who place a high value on traditional masculinity often can't tolerate being penetrated because they fear being demeaned by it. I can't help but wonder what such fears reveal about their attitudes toward those whom they wish to penetrate. Are these partners similarly demeaned?
Most of us realize, to some degree at least, that intercourse-anal or vaginal-is much more than body parts interacting. All deeply satisfying erotic activities are personally meaningful on multiple levels. Far richer than any technique or mechanical devices, intercourse is an act of the imagination, a dramatic role play, a state of mind, an avenue for self-expression-to name just a few possibilities.
I'm devoting the next chapter to some of the most common of these meanings-the ones linked to power. As we shall see, both vaginal and anal penetration often derive their intensity not only from the sensations involved, but also from top-bottom dynamics that either inhibit or energize the exchange. We know that many men and women of all sexual orientations are fascinated by these dynamics, often taking great delight in abandoning their culturally assigned roles; some men long to be dominated and some women are more than happy to oblige. Who does or doesn't have a penis can become temporarily irrelevant.
For the sake of simplicity, when referring to anal intercourse in this chapter, I'll usually refer to "he" as the inserter and "penis" as the inserted object because this is the most common arrangement. But do keep in mind that, except where I specifically describe what can happen for a man and his penis, everything else applies equally well to strap-on users.
CONDOM SENSE: WHICH TYPE Is BEST FOR YOU?
ONE OF THE first things you have to think about when it comes to intercourse is how to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)-including, but not limited to, HIV/AIDS. Partners who have been in a monogamous relationship for at least six months and have both recently tested negative for HIV, and are free of intestinal infections, don't have to be concerned about protection. Even so, many health-conscious monogamous couples continue using condoms to be extra-safe, or to streamline cleanup.
There are three different kinds of condoms to choose from: the traditional latex male condom, the similar polyurethane (plastic) variety, and the newer "female condom," a polyurethane pouch that fits inside the vagina or rectum rather than being worn on a penis. The more you know about the advantages and disadvantages of each, the wiser will be your choices.
MALE CONDOMS (LATEX & POLYURETHANE). Few items have been cursed and derided as vociferously as the lowly "rubber." And yet I can't think of another simple device that has protected so many millions of people from such a variety of dangerous or even deadly infections. For this fact alone, condoms deserve our gratitude. The Centers for Disease Control reports that traditional latex condoms, when used properly and consistently, are "highly effective" in preventing HIV and other common STDs such as gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia (CDC, 2008). It has been thought that condoms were of little use in preventing Herpes infections, because herpes lesions can occur anywhere on the body. But in a recent study, even Herpes rates were 30% lower among those who used condoms consistently (Martin, 2009).
In spite of their effectiveness, male condoms are far from ideal. Anyone who's tried one on has noticed a significant blunting of tactile sensations; there's no way around this. However, some men who tend to ejaculate fairly fast can often last longer with a condom on. Besides the reduction in feeling, condoms take practice to put on gracefully, can easily interrupt the flow of an encounter, and, more often than most guys admit, the whole process creates sufficient self-consciousness to disrupt their erections partially or completely.*
Condoms can also break or slip off, which you may not even notice, especially if you're caught up in passion.
In spite of the drawbacks, a great many people learn to use condoms effectively and with a minimum of disruption. Some creative users learn to associate condoms with sexual arousal, even to the point where opening the package and sensuously slipping on the condom becomes a turn-on. Combine this inviting prospect with the fact that condoms work to prevent disease and pregnancy, and you can see why they're so readily available and widely usedbut not widely enough.
