Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (18 page)

For most men most of the time, the contractions of orgasm occur in conjunction with ejaculation, but either of these two responses can happen independently of the other. For instance, a man may ejaculate with few, if any, orgasmic contractions; his semen simply dribbles out. Others report having orgasmic contractions without necessarily ejaculating. Some deliberately learn to enjoy non-ejaculatory orgasms as a means to prolong their pleasure without the drop in arousal that typically follows ejaculation.

In women the most noticeable focus of orgasmic contractions is the outer third of the vagina. The intensity and frequency of these contractions are tied to the subjective experience of orgasm. Rhythmic contractions also take place in the uterus. In some women, the urethral sphincter also has contractions, occasionally resulting in a small release of urine during orgasm, especially if the bladder is full at the time. This response is quite different from a G-spot ejaculation.

Some men and women experience orgasm as localized in the pelvis or genitals, while others have "full body orgasms," in which waves of pleasure can be felt (and often seen) everywhere. This kind of orgasm can be learned if you make a point of attending to orgasmic sensations wherever you find them. With time, and breathing, you'll notice them more and more.

Following orgasm, most men require a "refractory period" during which no further orgasms are possible. Usually there's a rapid partial loss of pelvic vasocongestion and, therefore, erection. Some lose interest for a time, while others remain excited. Many women, and fewer men, experience multiple orgasms sometimes, without any refractory period. If effective stimulation continues after orgasm, continuing high arousal leads to another orgasm. Men who learn to distinguish orgasm (the muscular release) from ejaculation (the expulsion of semen) are more likely to have multiple orgasms, although some have multiple ejaculations too.

You may have noticed that the anus is thoroughly involved in the contractions of orgasm, because of its connections with the pelvic muscles at the heart of orgasm. Reports I've received suggest that with increased anal awareness, orgasmic contractions there are more pronounced and longer lasting. Anal contractions are most noticeable when the anus is squeezing against something. The same is true of vaginal contractions. These contractions which begin involuntarily can be continued deliberately, thereby increasing pleasure.

RESOLUTION. Resolution is the body's return to an non-aroused state often, but by no means always, following orgasm. Blood drains from congested tissue while respiration and heart rate return gradually to normal. Myotonia will already have been discharged as orgasm occurred. Without orgasm the resolution phase may be more prolonged.

Most people feel profoundly peaceful and relaxed during the resolution phase. If the person was tired before sex, he or she may drift off to sleep. Others may feel elated, playful, and energized. For some, resolution is a time of guilt or remorse over what they've just done, or fear of possible consequences. The pleasure of resolution is clouded by a desire to forget or escape.

When resolution is comfortable, the anus is likely to be relaxed. In fact, people commonly report that their anuses are more at ease after orgasm than at any other time. For this reason resolution is sometimes a preferred time for anal exploration. Some people even find anal intercourse to be easier and more enjoyable after they have experienced orgasm. For those bothered by anal or pelvic pain, orgasm often relieves tension, and thus the pain, better than any pill-yet another indicator of the profound relaxation that can follow orgasm.

EXPERIENCE

WHEN YOU'RE in the mood, find a comfortable private place for self-pleasuring and masturbation. You might begin in the bathtub and then move to another room once you're thoroughly relaxed. Choose lighting, positioning, and perhaps music that suits your tastes. Also gather any paraphernalia you wish to include in your self-pleasuring, including a lubricant, towel or baby wipes for cleanup, maybe a vibrator or butt plug, or erotica-whatever it takes to make this encounter with yourself special.

Begin by touching your entire body, not just your genitals. At various points along the way, stroke your anus, the sensitive area between your genitals and anus, as well as your inner thighs and buttocks. You might want to stimulate other favorite body areas at the same time using your other hand. Don't hesitate to include the type of genital touching that typically turns you on. If you're not accustomed to masturbating very much, you'll want to give yourself plenty of time to get used to it.

Apply a lubricant to your finger and slowly insert it into your anus. Experiment with different movements, rhythms and positions. Consider any discomfort a sign that you're not sufficiently relaxed. You probably need some extra time for deep breathing and gentle stroking of the anal opening. Some find that leaving their finger inside with little or no movement helps their anus to let go. As tension drains away you'll feel your anus relax.

A reminder to women: don't insert the same finger in your vagina that you insert in your anus without washing it first. If you want to touch both areas, it's easier to designate one hand for anal stimulation and the other for your genitals.

Notice how your anus feels as you become aroused. Use the tip of your finger as a sensitive probe. It will give you invaluable information about how your external and internal sphincters respond as excitement builds. Move your finger in whatever ways feel good. But also see what it's like to leave your finger inside with little or no movement. This can help you become completely attuned to your anal muscles.

A suggestion for men: If you reach a high level of arousal (plateau), you may wish to locate and stimulate your prostate. Simply insert your finger all the way and then move it toward the front of your body. With some gentle probing you should be able to feel the shape of your prostate through the wall of your rectum. What does it feel like to massage it with your fingertip?

Allow your fantasies to come and go as they please. There's no need to suppress them. If you want to, explore fantasies of anal sensuality or intercourse. But don't force your fantasies in any particular direction. If one fantasy isn't going anywhere, let it go and see if another image arises naturally. Enjoying purely physical sensations without fantasy is, of course, fine too.

Stop when you feel finished-according to your feelings. This experience need not lead to orgasm. You can stop and start your activities as you please. But when you do feel like having an orgasm now or on another occasion, pay attention to how your anus responds. Notice especially how your anus participates in the contractions of orgasm. Clients frequently tell me that tuning into anal contractions during orgasm is not only fascinating, but also expands their enjoyment.

Don't ignore your anus after orgasm. If you still notice good feelings in the anal area, allow yourself to prolong the experience even if you've had one or more orgasms. When it's time to stop, withdraw your finger slowly and bask in the afterglow. Even if you don't feel like basking, take a few moments to observe what you do feel.

If you've been experiencing anal discomfort or pain lately, you can still benefit from this kind of exploration, with one important caveat: Be extra gentle with yourself, avoiding any kind of touch that makes you more uncomfortable. Notice which kind of touches have the most soothing effects and concentrate on these. You may wish to look over the Appendix before you proceed. Doing so may help you clarify what problem you might be dealing with (if you don't know already). It also helps to read the "Guidelines for Self-Healing" to provide an overview of how these experiments can help you.

RESPONSE

WHEN IT FOLLOws earlier, non-erotic forms of anal exploration, most people find that including their anuses in auto-erotic activity is natural and welcome. Quite a few people do this spontaneously from the very beginning. Others are surprised and delighted at how erotic the anus can be, like Frank: "I've been doing all this stuff with my ass lately but I never knew it could feel so good. What an amazing turn-on!" Or Angela: "It was great, just fantastic. I never had a better orgasm." Such responses are typical.

But it's not all sweetness and light. Many things can and do get in the way of anal eroticism. To begin with, some people don't masturbate at all or, if they do, it's very matter-of-fact and genitally-focused. Some see it as a substitute for "the real thing," associate it with loneliness, or feel guilty about it. Most people I work with do masturbate and enjoy it at least sometimes, men more commonly than women-but the gap is rapidly narrowing.

If any of these feelings remind you of your own, you have two options: You can either consider a new attitude toward masturbation, or you can skip this section and move on. Think carefully about the first option before choosing the second. The stronger the urge to move along, the more likely you'll benefit from staying. After all, masturbation is one of the very best ways to learn about and expand your eroticism. Undistracted by a partner, you can concentrate completely on what gives you pleasure. At its most exhilarating, masturbation can be a way of making love to yourself.*

Occasionally, those who genuinely enjoy masturbation still find it difficult to touch their anuses in a deliberate, conscious way. This usually results from lingering guilt or embarrassment, emotions that should be acknowledged and felt. This is the only way to move beyond them. Suppression of feelings is the surest way to lock them in place.

Men-straight, gay, or bisexual-may find that anal eroticism accentuates their homophobia, an intense yet irrational fear and hatred of homosexuality. This reaction is particularly intense when a straight or bi man realizes that he wants his anus caressed by a female lover, but holds back because of his fear that this desire is inherently less than manly. After all, the "ultimate" gay male sex act is often assumed to be anal intercourse, partly because it most closely approximates the heterosexual ideal of lovemaking.

Many men and women fear that if they enjoy anal eroticism with themselves, they'll be obligated to receive anal intercourse from otherswhether they want it or not. Obviously, such a belief casts an anxious shadow over even the best masturbation experience. Be very clear with yourself that what you do alone can be completely unrelated to what you choose to do with a partner.

Some practical complications surrounding anal eroticism deserve our attention. Rodney expressed some of these with humor: "I like to play with my anus, but it can be such a hassle. The other night I was in the mood to get it on with myself but I had to find the lubricant. My roommate was home so I had to calm down a bit before I started searching. Then when I was getting into it, I started worrying about getting oil on the sheets. Eventually I just gave up and beat ofl?"

Rodney didn't mention another common concern: cleaning up afterwards. A little planning is essential. Keep a lubricant and mirror handy. Use a water soluble lubricant because it is easier to clean up. Baby wipes are an easy way to clean your anus and fingers, and the aloe vera in most of these products can be soothing to the anus. Or how about masturbating before you plan to take a bath, or doing it in the tub? Some people are more relaxed with anal self-stimulation when they slip on a latex glove beforehand and simply throw it away when they're done. With a little experimentation and practice, everything will progress smoothly. Take note if you use these everyday concerns to sidestep uncomfortable feelings about anal sexuality.

As I mentioned earlier, men sometimes lose their erections when they stimulate their anuses. If this happens to you, the best thing to do is not make a big deal out of it. Without the distraction of self-consciousness, erections usually return. Frequently, erection loss is simply a reflection of a little uneasiness that will soon go away when you're more accustomed to anal stimulation. If, however, anal stimulation is actually turning you off (a loss of erection doesn't necessarily mean that), then you need to take it more slowly, perhaps exploring your anus again in a more sensuous, less erotic way. At first you may want to wait until you're really excited before touching your anus, especially before putting your finger inside. The important thing is to have fun and not take it too seriously.