An Ordinary Epidemic (29 page)

‘Not even for the one toddler in your backyard.'

‘I'm not throwing her out in the street. I'm not going to starve her. She just has to sleep in the office for two days.'

‘And if she gets sick?'

‘Then I was fucking right, wasn't I?'

‘And you'd leave her to die out there.'

‘No. I don't know. But how does it help her if Oscar and Zac and Daniel get it too?' The boys had stopped playing their game and were watching them in solemn silence.

‘So you won't let her in?'

‘No.'

‘She has to sleep out there alone.'

‘For two days.'

‘Fine.' He strode out the door, shoving Zac and Oscar out of his way. Hannah saw Oscar on his toes, ready to follow. She sprinted over and slammed the door. The four of them huddled together at the glass, watching.

Sean put his arm around Ella's shoulders, talking to her quietly, gently, but they couldn't make out what he was saying. Hannah felt an ache, a physical pain as he moved away. She was angry at him, angry for making her feel her actions were wrong, for making a decision that she wouldn't have. For putting Ella ahead of his own family. He was right there but gone. Just to the end of the garden but maybe never to come back.

‘Right,' she said loudly to the spot over the boys' heads, ‘well, this is an adventure. Just us for two days.'

‘Yeah, some adventure.' Zac turned his back and led the walk away from her.

The TV went on in the living room, too loud. She didn't care. She could go in and rouse on them but it would achieve nothing. Her aspirations had changed. She didn't have to worry about whether they ate right or did their homework or played violent video games at their friend's house. There was only one thing she had to achieve—to get the boys through this.

By now it was done, even though she could see Sean, just across the lawn, even though he looked the same. By now he had the virus or he didn't. And she had to decide, at this instant, that if he came back in two days she would celebrate and if he didn't, then he was gone from this very moment.

She was startled from her thought by a fist banging on the glass of the door. Sean, belligerent but slumped. ‘I need gloves. I need disinfectant, I need a facemask.' He coloured slightly, they both knew he should have had thought of these things before he gambled his life on his principles. ‘And something to put water in, a bottle or a jug.'

‘How does she seem?'

‘Scared, sad.'

He was going to make her ask. ‘Is she sick?'

‘She doesn't look sick.'

Sean had spent time in the office before and even though she couldn't see him, she had still been aware of his presence. Now she was only aware of his absence. The kitchen drove her out, it was filled with her angry yearning for the other end of the garden, so she exiled herself to the isolated safety of their bedroom, curled up in the doona that smelt of them. The cold of the room crept in under its edges.

The street was quiet, the room was quiet, there was no way to escape herself. The noise of the television lured her back to the living room.

She caught Zac's face contorting into a scowl as she walked in. Oscar had a contented, almost Mona Lisa smile as he cuddled into Zac. And Daniel, Daniel looked blank. Attentive, polite, amenable but blank.

‘Hey, Daniel,' she winced at her own lameness, ‘how are things going?'

‘Fine, Hannah, it's good.'

‘Watching something on TV?'

Zac looked thunder at her.

‘Yeah, you know.' Daniel gave her a polite smile and a half nod. ‘We've seen it before but there's nothing new on. They keep looping the same couple of days' programs.'

She worried that he recognised himself in the way she had reacted to Ella.

‘You know, Daniel, I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry about your mum but you're always welcome here. Like one of the family.'

‘We're watching TV, Mum, can't you see?' Zac snarled. ‘Like he doesn't know. He knows, so if you don't have anything important, can we get back to watching?'

But what Daniel knew, and she knew, was that she wasn't telling the truth. She would do everything humanly reasonable for Ella and Daniel. For Zac or Oscar she'd do the unreasonable. She would risk her life for them. Daniel and Ella weren't her family.

She made dinner by herself, cleaned up by herself. As she gazed down the garden to the office, she realised from now on, she was going to have to do everything by herself. She could see Ella perched on the office chair. Sean must have adjusted it to its highest to let her reach the computer.

Sean came out of the garage with two sleeping bags and an almost new plush purple teddy bear that Oscar had never taken to, not once looking towards the house. They each stood in their own pool of light at the ends of the dark garden but he didn't look towards hers.

Zac was standing next to her, smacking two empty hot chocolate mugs on the counter.

‘You finished them quickly.' She plunged them into the opaque washing up water. It was tepid now but it would be a waste to boil more just to heat it up.

‘Dad might die.'

‘We don't know that Ella is sick.'

‘Why didn't you stop him? You order us around enough.'

‘He's a grown-up, I can't make his decisions for him.'

‘Yes you can,' Zac's chin wobbled. What was endearing on Oscar was distressing on Zac. The possibility that he might lose control, her self-contained independent boy, unnerved her. She put her arm around him and he didn't pull away. He opened his mouth twice and though she thought he was going to say something, she knew he wouldn't let himself talk until he was sure he could do it with no signs of childishness. ‘He
might die. He's my dad and he might die. Don't I count for anything? You keep saying you're protecting us but he's my dad and I want my dad to live.'

She pulled the plug out of the sink. The rest could wait for tomorrow. She wiped her hands on a tea towel. ‘I don't think he thought it through. You wanted us to take Daniel and I don't regret that. It's kind of the same.'

‘Daniel wasn't going to kill anyone. Doesn't Dad care enough about us not to die?'

She ran her hand through his hair, he only twisted his head away slightly. ‘Some decisions are more complicated than that.'

‘Whatever.' He twisted out of her arm. ‘It's his life, right?' But it wasn't just his life. She knew it and Zac knew it and one day Oscar would know it. He owed them something, he had a duty to them, a terrible duty to stay alive. She'd been doing it for eight years. Blood tests and mammograms and drugs that made her tired, made her sweat, made her feel sick, even now. She did anything the doctors told her because it was her duty to Zac and Oscar. Sometimes it exhausted her, the process of living. How could Sean not realise, even now, the commitment he made when he took part in creating them, to do everything he could to stay alive?

Keeping a happy face was wearing and the kids didn't buy it. She was drained, she needed peace, she needed this to be over. Her mood sent a subliminal ripple of anxiety through the house. What she wanted was to send them all to bed so she didn't have to present any kind of face to anyone. She hated that she was deceiving them with her fake enthusiasm and plastered-on smile, but she comforted herself that whatever she did with her face, it wasn't really a lie. She needed them to believe that things were what you made them. This time could
be miserable or it could be bearable, depending how they saw it. Right now, all she wanted was to fast-forward through this. Tomorrow she would look at it all in the new light of the morning. She would do her damnedest to be a good person tomorrow.

The boys were draped over the sofas, interlocking like a barrel of monkeys, watching TV.

‘Okay, that's it. Bedtime.'

‘Oh, what? It's not even Oscar's bedtime.'

‘Well, get ready for bed. I think everyone needs some quiet time.' The resentful teenage eyes looked back at her again. ‘All right, you don't have to sleep. You can stay up so long as you don't bother me.'

‘Yay.' Oscar was wide-eyed and too loud. ‘I don't have to sleep.'

‘
You
have to sleep.'

‘Aaaawh.' His protest ascended a scale.

‘Wash. Pyjamas. No arguments.'

She boiled a jug and carried it, steaming, into the bathroom. Oscar jogged in front of her, forcing her to swerve to avoid tripping and spilling the water. She poured it into the sink and added some cold from the bucket on the floor, swishing it gingerly with her fingers.

‘That should be cool enough.' She left him stripping off.

In her corner of the sofa, in the hostile silence of teenage contempt, she hid behind her laptop, pretending she was working. She only opened emails with business-like subjects. They allowed her to escape, for a short time, from this small box. Somehow it made it better that out there other people were living their lives. She let her eyes slide over the other ones. She didn't want to know the bad stuff. She didn't have anything that would help them.

A chat window opened in front of everything else.

Hey babe
.

Kate. She'd left herself logged in. If she ignored it, Kate might go away.

You there? I haven't heard from you in a while
.

Hi Kate.

Are you hanging in?

We're surviving.

You got enough water and food?

She couldn't share any more. She couldn't take anyone else in. Her fingers hung above the keys. Kate's words formed on the screen with a rush.

The water's back on here, but word is the east is still out. Are you all surviving?

We have rainwater.

Tasty
.

She typed
How is everyone?
then backspaced over it.
I can't
cope
then deleted it.

We'll manage.

Hey I could get my cheese and crackers and you could get your cheese and crackers and we could pretend we're out to lunch
.

You have cheese and crackers?

I stocked up on junk. When we get back to work you'll recognise me, I'll be the one with hardened arteries
.

Oscar jogged into the room.

Have to go. Wet boy to tend to.

Hug them all for me
.

‘Oscar, you're naked, that's gross. Put some clothes on.' Zac's voice was full of older brother outrage.

Hannah barely looked up. ‘He's not technically naked, he's got a towel on.' The bath sheet went around his small waist several times. He clutched tightly to a handful of the folds in front of him and the towel sagged loosely around his back, making him mostly naked from behind. ‘Go get your pyjamas on.' He meandered in the direction of his bedroom. ‘Go on, bedtime.' She hadn't told Kate about Sean, but she needed to hear that she was right and he was wrong. If only she could be sure Kate would think so.

Oscar came back damp and pyjamaed. Zac submitted to a good night hug from him, but played no part. Hannah put her laptop on the sofa to let him give her a kiss and a cuddle. ‘Do you want me to read you a story?'

Oscar silently stood his ground.

‘You don't want a story?'

‘It's Daddy's turn.'

‘You know he can't read to you tonight. He'll read twice when he comes back.' She got up and expected him to follow her to his room but he didn't budge. ‘Come on, bedtime.'

‘I haven't said goodnight.'

‘You just did.'

‘I haven't said goodnight to Daddy.' His small, smooth face was set with determination.

‘Sure, of course. You have to say goodnight to Daddy. He'd be upset if I'd sent you to bed and he missed getting a goodnight.' She called over to Zac. ‘Hey, you want to come say goodnight to Sean?'

Zac's lips curled dismissively. ‘I'm fine.'

The two of them stood at the back door. The glass was cold. They could see Sean clearly at his desk. Oscar jumped up and down waving his arms, yelling ‘Dad, Dad!' so loud it hurt her ears.