An Affair Downstairs (20 page)

Alice shook her head. “But you would have been convicted for certain, and Julia would be the one unable to live with the guilt. He was a terrible man who acted reprehensibly. You did the best you could.”

“I felt dead inside. Numb. My life was over. The woman I'd believed to be the love of my life was gone. John and Ellen adopted Grace. I had nothing left to live for, or so I believed. Instead of acting to save myself, I practically begged to be put on trial for the crime, but the constable refused to charge me with murder. No matter how much I tried to tell them otherwise, they ruled the death an accidental shooting and said I was free to go.

“At Stratton Place, John and Ellen were struggling to raise a new baby, and I was bringing bad attention to the house. Some people, our friends, supported me. An equal and louder number of people called for my arrest and trial, proclaiming that the law worked differently for the nobility. I couldn't bear the notoriety I'd brought to my family. I didn't want it to haunt Grace growing up. Mostly, I wanted to escape from everything and everyone I knew. I wanted to wallow in self-pity and grief. And I did.

“I spent years in France, Spain, Italy. I came home for the funeral when my father died and meant to head right back to France, and on to Morocco. One of my father's friends knew of a position, managing Thornbrook Park. When I was home from Harrow, before the tragedy, I assisted my father in managing the estate with Chalmers, our agent. John didn't have much of a head for business affairs. He still doesn't. But I thought I could learn to do the job, and do it well. I was tired of running from my past but still not ready to return home. The job at Thornbrook Park seemed the perfect solution.”

“And there you stayed,” Alice said. “And as sorry as I am for all that you've been through, and for your loss, I'm selfish enough to be glad that you stayed so that I had a chance to know you.”

“Alice.” He took a deep breath and held her hands in his. “It shattered me inside when Julia rejected me. I was young enough to believe that what we had was romantic love beyond the bonds of friendship. She chose someone else and begged for me to understand. She loved me, but not in the way that she loved Stanhope. She truly thought him to be the missing part of herself. At the time, I didn't understand the way she described her feelings for him. I thought they were the same feelings I had for her, but they weren't quite. I didn't know it until I made love to you, Alice. That feeling, it's not like any other. It fills you. It was you, Alice, who showed me I had so much life yet to live. I want to live it with you.”

When she stood looking at him for several seconds without speaking, a look of earnest confusion in her pretty hazel eyes, he feared that he'd lost her for good.

After everything he'd just told her, all he'd been through, how could Alice do exactly what Julia had done and tell him that she planned to marry someone else? She had no desire to break his heart, and in fact, she felt her own heart beginning to splinter and crack around the edges.

“You know I never wanted to get married,” she said, squeezing his fingers like she never wanted to let go.

“I'm aware, and I would never ask you to give up your dreams, Alice. We don't have to rush into anything. John needs me here for now, and you have your family. I'm sure Sophia is worried about you. Should you call her?”

“Not yet.” She shuddered at the thought. “I have things to tell you, too. When I was recovering, and not quite myself…”

“The brain fog?”

“The brain fog.” She nodded. “I thought you'd left me. I knew we were friends, but I thought you had come back to Stratton Place, never to return to Thornbrook Park. I didn't know what to think. I was…Logan, I was lost. And so alone.”

He embraced her. “I'm so sorry. I never meant to abandon you. I did, of course, at your sister's urging, and I'm very sorry for it, but I also thought I was doing the right thing for you. I didn't want to remove all of your options. Once people started drawing conclusions, you would have had to marry me to save your reputation, and it wasn't my choice to make for you.”

“I love you for it, Logan. I do. I love you.” The ache at her core at the thought of losing him confirmed it. “You know me like no one else, and you would never force me into a corner, trapped like a poor fox in a hunt.” Or trapped like the fox's prey. Ralston was the fox, and he'd emerged victorious with her between his gleaming teeth. How could she marry such a man? But she'd given her word. How could she not?

“Never, Alice. You're made to be free.”

“You did the right thing in leaving, I agree, as much as it hurt me to wake up and not find you by my side. But I was vulnerable. What if I had been damaged permanently? My head grew increasingly fuzzy. My ability to remember things that had just happened was sometimes there and sometimes gone. When it was time to leave Holcomb House and return to Thornbrook Park, Sophia invited Lord Ralston to accompany us. He has been there ever since.”

“Staying with you, a guest at Thornbrook Park?” Logan's cobalt eyes darkened a shade.

“Staying with us. He looks after me with Sophia, always there, always right at my side. Sophia seems to welcome him as one of the family. And finally, I remembered something. Something awful, Logan. I'm so sorry.”

“Good God, did he hurt you?” Logan held Alice closer and placed a kiss on her forehead. “If he did, Alice, I know what I will do. Perhaps I haven't changed that much after all.”

She shook her head. “He hasn't hurt me. On the contrary. He has been doting on me. He said he loves me, that he will never leave me. And in a moment of weakness that I barely remember, to be honest, my head was so full of fog…”

“Alice, no.” He closed his eyes as if to shut out the painful reality. “Tell me you haven't accepted him.”

“I don't remember thinking I had any other option.” She didn't bother to hold back the tears that filled her eyes. “I felt so scared, so alone. I've always loved being alone, but suddenly, it became the thing I dreaded most. In the quiet darkness, the buzzing in my head became louder and nearly unbearable. There were shadows in the fog. I wanted people around me all the time, noise and colors, anything but empty silence. I wanted so badly not to be alone, never to be alone.”

“Sophia wouldn't ever cast you out. You must know that.”

“But she wanted so badly for me to accept him. I knew it, though I hardly remembered my name. He presented a diamond ring, and he asked me to marry him, and I accepted him. I'm engaged to Lord Ralston, Logan.” She placed her hand on his rough cheek. “I'm so sorry. But I mean to break it off as soon as I return to Thornbrook Park. I never would have accepted him in the first place if I wasn't so impaired.”

He took her hands and clung to them. “Of course not. You weren't in your right mind. You can't be held accountable for your decision. He couldn't possibly expect you to stand by a promise made when you were not quite yourself. The bastard!” Suddenly, Logan's face contorted to rage. He dropped her hands, turned, and punched the tree trunk so forcefully that the blow echoed in the woods. His hand dripped blood, but he shook it off unconcerned and wrapped it with a kerchief from his pocket. “How could he take advantage of you at such a time? How could your sister allow it? Lord Averford?”

“I—” She held her hands out at her sides. “I'm at a loss. I don't know. Lord Averford has been tremendously busy with the new agent, who isn't catching on very well, by the way. He's hardly ever around lately. Aunt Agatha has been exiled to the Dower House. I don't think Ralston likes her very much.”

“Who doesn't like Agatha? She's a delight.”

Alice loved him all the more for loving her dotty old aunt. “She is. I know. Sophia has taken to Ralston like they're fast friends, co-conspirators in caring for invalid me. Only now I'm better. They won't know quite what to think of me.”

“They should never have underestimated you, Alice. I'm sorry if I scared you with my anger.” He embraced her again. “I just—I can't bear men who take advantage of weakness. It's like Stanhope all over again.”

“Lord Ralston's not that bad. I do believe he means well, and for some reason, he seems to love me. I remember thinking that anyone who wanted to put up with me in my addlepated state must truly care for me.”

“No.” Logan shook his head. He released Alice and began to pace up and down the brook's bank, head down in contemplation “No, there's something he wants. There has to be. Men like Ralston are not attracted to infirmity.”

Now she was a little insulted. Was she not a beauty? Flame to moths? Artemis and all that? “Why not? The doctor assured him I would get better in time. If he found himself attracted to me, he might have been simply acting on his best chance to secure my affection for himself.”

Logan's head shot up. “Really? You don't think he has any ulterior motives? Lovely as you are, Alice, I'm not sure it's enough to entice a man like Ralston.”

“Excuse me? I'll not stand here and be insulted.” She turned away.

“I love you”—he placed a hand on her shoulder, gently urging her to look back—“in any condition. Sick, well, completely mad. I love you no matter what. But…”

“But another man couldn't possibly love me enough to make a commitment to me without some ulterior motive?”

“He's a vain man, Alice. Shallow. Surely you could sense it.”

“I know he has been at my side since the accident, even when I've been far less than at my best.” She strode with purpose back to the path that they'd followed to this spot.

“You don't love him, Alice.” He walked quickly to catch up and take her arm. “You couldn't possibly. You're nothing alike.”

She nudged away from him. “I don't see that you have any right to judge. He did swear his devotion to me.”

“Very good.” Logan threw his hands in the air, exasperated, clearly not thinking it very good at all. “Go on and marry the man, if you're so determined to see only the best in him.”

She stopped and crossed her arms. “I never said I saw only the best in him. He's arrogant. Presumptive. He hasn't made much effort to get to know me. Worst of all, he's not you. You're the one I want by my side.”

“I didn't mean that you were undesirable, Alice. I'm sorry that my words came out all wrong. I'm upset and unable to expressly myself clearly in my distress, apparently. Forgive me. You're engaged,” he repeated as if the news was slowly sinking in.

“For now. I hope you can forgive me.”

Really, she simply felt foolish. She knew what he meant. She'd known all along. In her heart, and in her now-clear mind, she harbored her own doubts and suspicions about Ralston's motives. She'd noticed little things, like his insistence that she drink her tea. “Drink, Alice. Drink up.” His shared glances with Sophia. Their treatment of her, acting like she'd reverted to childhood. Something wasn't right, and it wasn't all in her head. It would have helped if Logan hadn't jumped to the same conclusions so quickly. He might have taken a little time to be jealous first. But no.

When Logan had been telling her his story, he'd mentioned Stanhope drugging the servants. It was then, for the first time, that she realized that she'd felt exactly like these past few weeks, as if she were being drugged. Her speech had been thick, perhaps thicker than even her mind. Her head had always been filled with the fog, unable to form a lucid thought. Even her movements were slow and unsteady. Could all that have been simply a result of a brain injury, or had it been something more? Would Ralston have been drugging her? And if so, why? What did he have to gain from their marriage?

“Alice, please.” He reached for her again, his large, warm hand closing on her shoulder. “Look at me. There's nothing to forgive. You were unwell. He was there, ready to take advantage. How will he take the news?”

“He has to understand that I have no intention of marrying him. He can't hold me to a promise I made while impaired, as you've said.” With a sigh, she directed her gaze up at his and nearly melted on the spot. His eyes were filled with love and concern, all for her. She had to force herself to breathe. Merely looking at him had such a powerful effect on her that her knees began to quiver.

Without another word, he pulled her into his powerful embrace and kissed her again—deeply, passionately, with every ounce of his soul. It was more than just a kiss. It was a promise between them, the promise of a love that would never falter or fade away.

“I can accept that you might never want to marry me, or marry at all,” he said, his voice raspy and low. “But I could never stand back and let another man hurt the woman I love. Never again. Do you need me to come with you to give him the news?”

“I think it best I tell him myself. He will be hurt, but the sooner I tell him, the better. Doubtless, Sophia has discovered me gone and is racked with concern as well. I should make arrangements to return to Thornbrook Park.”

“But how will I bear to let you go?” He stroked a tendril of hair from her forehead.

“I guess you'll have to come back and visit as soon as you can manage it.”

“As soon as I can manage,” he agreed, taking her hand as they walked together back to Stratton Place.

***

He realized his time with her had come to an end as soon as they entered the house and he could vaguely discern the sound of Ellen's voice mixing with another distinctly feminine tone. Sophia. His gaze darted to Alice's.

“Oh dear,” she said, apparently realizing it at the same time he did. “I underestimated the speed at which she would find me. Too soon, but it will save me the trouble of making arrangements.”

“She was worried about you. I'm glad you have her to look after you.”

“That she does. She looks after me very well.” She gripped his hand and let go only briefly as Barnett came to take gloves and coats, and then, bare handed, she laced fingers with his again. “I suppose it's time.”

Would she confront her sister? Be coolly polite? Tell her right away that she meant to break her engagement? She did mean to break her engagement? They hadn't exactly had a chance to settle things. He would just have to stand back and give her a chance to deal with her sister as she saw fit.

“Ellen, I see you've met Lady Averford. Lady Averford, welcome to Stratton Place.” Logan got the greeting out of the way and looked to Alice.

“There you are, at last. I was worried we would have to send a footman out after you.” Sophia stood at once, her eyes drawn to their clasped hands. “We've all been worried about you. I was just telling Lady Emsbury how you've been unwell. She had no idea. I'm astonished.”

“I've been perfectly well.” Alice said, not letting go of Logan's hand. “Completely back to my senses at last. I had some things to discuss with Logan, so I found my way to Stratton Place.”

“Well, you could have told me where you were headed. I had no idea you even planned to leave. Thank goodness for Aunt Agatha, or I might have been scouring London for you fearing the worst.”

“Agatha told you?” Alice's eyes widened in apparent shock. She'd trusted Agatha.

“I had to coax it out of her, but yes. She gave in once she realized I would probably come calling here, anyway, once I realized…Well, we can discuss it on the way home, Pumpkin.”

“Once you realized I'd found Winthrop's letter? And please, don't call me Pumpkin.” Alice waved a finger at her sister with her free hand. “Not ever again. I'm not a child, Sophia.”

“Of course not.” Sophia flashed a sympathetic pout. “Adult enough to make your own decisions, in fact. I'm sorry. But you were sick only so recently that you can't blame me for my concern.”

“I don't blame you entirely.” Alice softened her tone. “I know you were concerned. You can see that I'm safe. I'm a welcome guest here. They've treated me like family.” She smiled warmly at Ellen. “Possibly better.”

“Your fiancé is worried as well,” Sophia said, with a pointed glance at Logan. “Lord Ralston wanted to come with me, but he dared not risk it as you have yet to announce your intentions. We're planning a party to celebrate. You're all invited, of course. It will be a grand affair…”

“There will be no grand affair. I don't mean to marry Lord Ralston. But as you say, we can discuss it on the way home. I'll gather my things.”

She hadn't arrived with many things, so it was a matter of moments before Logan rang for Barnett to bring Alice's coat and, with Ellen, he walked the sisters to the door.