American Gods (60 page)

The white sheet wrapped about the body at the base of the
tree flapped noisily in the morning wind.

The pounding eased. Everything slowed. There was nothing
left to make him keep breathing. His heart ceased to beat in his chest.

The darkness that he entered this time was deep, and lit by
a single star, and it was final.

I know it’s crooked. But it’s the only game in town.

—Canada Bill Jones.

The tree was gone, and the world was gone, and the
morning-gray sky above him was gone. The sky was now the color of midnight.
There was a single cold star shining high above him, a blazing, twinkling
light, and nothing else. He took a single step and almost tripped.

Shadow looked down. There were steps cut into the rock,
going down, steps so huge that he could only imagine that giants had cut them
and descended them a long time ago.

He clambered downward, half jumping, harfvaulting from step
to step. His body ached, but it was the ache of lack of use, not the tortured
ache of a body that has hung on a tree until it was dead.

He observed, without surprise, that he was now fully dressed,
in jeans and a white T-shirt. He was barefoot. He experienced a profound moment
of deja vu: this was what he had been wearing when he stood in Czemobog’s
apartment the night when Zorya Polunochnaya had come to him and told him about
the constellation called Odin’s Wain. She had taken the moon down from the sky
for him.

;He knew, suddenly, what would happen next. Zorya
Pol-inochnaya would be there. She was waiting for him at the bottom of the
steps. There /as no moon in the sky, but she was bathed in moonlight nonetheless:
her white hair was moon-pale, and she wore the same lace-and-cotton nightdress
she had worn that night in Chicago.

She smiled when she saw him, and looked down, as if momentarily
embarrassed. “Hello,” she said.

“Hi,” said Shadow.

“How are you?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I think this is maybe another
strange dream on the tree. I’ve been having crazy dreams since I got out of
prison.”

Her face was silvered by the moonlight (but no moon hung in
that plum-black sky, and now, at the foot of the steps, even the single star
was lost to view) and she looked both solemn and vulnerable. She said, “All
your questions can be answered, if that is what you want. But once you learn
your answers, you can never unlearn them.”

Beyond her, the path forked. He would have to decide which
path to take, he knew that. But there was one thing he had to do first. He
reached into the pocket of his jeans and was relieved when he felt the familiar
weight of the coin at the bottom of the pocket. He eased it out, held it
between finger and thumb: a 1922 Liberty dollar. ‘This is yours,” he said.

He remembered then that his clothes were really at the foot
of the tree. The women had placed his clothes in the canvas sack from which
they had taken the ropes, and tied the end of the sack, and the biggest of the
women had placed a heavy rock on it to stop it from blowing away. And so he
knew that, in reality, the Liberty dollar was in a pocket in that sack, beneath
the rock. But still, it was heavy in his hand, at the entrance to the
underworld.

She took it from his palm with her slim fingers.

“Thank you. It bought you your liberty twice,” she said. “And
now it will light your way into dark places.”

She closed her hand around the dollar, then she reached up
and placed it in the air, as high as she could reach. Then she let go of it.
Instead of falling, the coin floated upward until it was a foot or so above
Shadow’s head. It was no longer a silver coin, though. Lady Liberty and her
crown of spikes were gone. The face he saw on the coin was the indeterminate
face of the moon in the summer sky.

Shadow could not decide whether he was looking at a moon the
size of a dollar, a foot above his head, or whether he was looking at a moon
the size of the Pacific Ocean, many thousands of miles away. Nor whether there
was any difference between the two ideas. Perhaps it was all a matter of the
way you looked at it.

He looked at the forking path ahead of him.

“Which path should I take?” he asked. “Which one is safe?”

‘Take one, and you cannot take the other,” she said. “But neither
path is safe. Which way would you walk—the way of hard truths or the way of
fine lies?”

‘Truths,” he said. “I’ve come too far for more lies.”

She looked sad. “There, will be a price, then,” she said.

“I’ll pay it. What’s the price?”

“Your name,” she said. “Your real name. You will have to
give it to me.”

“How?”

“Like this,” she said. She reached a perfect hand toward his
head. He felt her fingers brush his skin, then he felt them penetrate his skin,
his skull, relt them push deep into his head. Something tickled, in his skull
and all down his spine. She pulled her hand out of his head. A flame, like a
candle flame but burning with a clear magnesium-white luminance, was flickering
on the tip of her forefinger.

“Is that my name?” he asked.

She closed her hand, and the light was gone. “It was,” she
said. She extended her hand, and pointed to the right-hand path. “That way,”
she said. “For now.”

Nameless, Shadow walked down the right-hand path in the
moonlight. When he turned around to thank her, he saw nothing but darkness. It
seemed to him that he was deep under the ground, but when he looked up into the
darkness above him he still saw the tiny moon.

He turned a corner.

If this was the afterlife, he thought, it was a lot like the
House on the Rock: part diorama, part nightmare.

He was looking at himself in prison blues, in the warden’s office,
as the warden told him that Laura had died in a car crash. He saw the
expression on his own face—he looked like a man who had been abandoned by the
world. It hurt him to see it, the nakedness and the fear. He hurried on, pushed
through the warden’s gray office, and found himself looking at the VCR repair
store on the outskirts of Eagle Point. Three years ago. Yes.

Inside the store, he knew, he was beating the; living crap
out of Larry Powers and B. J. West, bruising his knuckles in the process:
pretty soon he would walk out of there, carrying a brown supermarket bag filled
with twenty-dollar bills. The money they could never prove he had taken: his
share of the proceeds, and a little more, for they shouldn’t have tried to rip
him and Laura off like that. He was only the driver, but he had done his part,
done everything that she had asked of him ...

At the trial, nobody mentioned the bank robbery, although everybody
wanted to. They couldn’t prove a thing, as long as nobody was talking. And
nobody was. The prosecutor was forced instead to stick to the bodily damage
that Shadow had inflicted on Powers and West. He showed photographs of the two
men on their arrival in the local hospital. Shadow barely defended himself in
court; it was easier that way. Neither Powers nor West seemed able to remember
what the fight had been about, but they each admitted that Shadow had been
their assailant.

Nobody talked about the money. Nobody even mentioned Laura,
and that was all that Shadow had wanted.

Shadow wondered whether the path of comforting lies would
have been a better one to walk. He walked away from that place, and followed
the rock path down into what looked like a hospital room, a public hospital in
Chicago, and he felt the bile rise in his throat. He stopped. He did not want
to look. He did not want to keep walking.

In the hospital bed his mother was dying again, as she’d
died when he was sixteen, and, yes, here he was, a large, clumsy sixteen-year-old
with acne pocking his cream-and-coffee skin, sitting at her bedside, unable to
look at her, reading a thick paperback book. Shadow wondered what the book was,
and he walked around the hospital bed to inspect it more closely. He stood
between the bed and the chair looking from the one to the other, the big boy
hunched into his chair, his nose buried in Gravity’s Rainbow, trying to escape
from his mother’s death into London during the blitz, the fictional madness of
the book no escape and no excuse.

His mother’s eyes were closed in a morphine peace: what she
had thought was just another sickle-cell cfislK another bout of pain to be
endured, had turned out, they had discovered, too late, to be lymphoma. There
was a lemonish-gray tinge to her skin. She was in her early thirties, but she
looked much older.

Shadow wanted to shake himself, the awkward boy that he once
was, get him to hold her hand, talk to her, do something before she slipped
away, as he knew that she would. But he could not touch himself, and he
continued to read; and so his mother died while he sat in the chair next to
her, reading a fat book.

After that he had more or less stopped reading. You could
not trust fiction. What good were books, if they couldn’t protect you from
something like that? Shadow walked away from the hospital room, down the
winding corridor, deep into the bowels of the earth.

He sees his mother first and he cannot believe how young she
is, not yet twenty-five he guesses, before her medical discharge. They’re in
their apartment, another embassy rental somewhere in Northern Europe. He looks
around for something to give him a clue, and he sees himself: a shrimp of a
kid, big pale gray eyes and dark hair. They are arguing. Shadow knows without
hearing the words what they’re arguing about: it was the only thing they quarreled
about, after all.

—Tell me about my father.

—He’s dead. Don’t ask about him.

—But who was he ?

—Forget him. Dead and gone and you ain’t missed nothing.

—I want to see a picture of him.

—I ain’/ got a picture, she’d say, and her voice would get
quiet and fierce, and he knew that if he kept asking her questions she would
shout, or even hit him, and he knew that he would not stop asking questions, so
he turned away and walked on down the tunnel.

The path he followed twisted and wound and curled back on itself,
and it put him in mind of snakeskins and intestines and of deep, deep tree
roots. There was a pool to his left; he heard the drip, drip of water into it
somewhere at the back of the tunnel, the falling water barely ruffling the
mirrored surface of the pool. He dropped to his knees and drank, using his hand
to bring the water to his lips. Then he walked on until he was standing in the
floating disco-glitter patterns of a mirror ball. It was like being in the
exact center of the universe with all the stars and planets circling him, and
he could not hear anything, not the music, nor the shouted conversations over
the music, and now Shadow was staring at a woman who looked just like his
mother never looked in all the years he knew her, she’s little more than a
child, after all ...

And she is dancing.

Shadow found that he was completely unsurprised when he
recognized the man who dances with her. He had not changed that much in
thirty-three years.

She is drunk: Shadow could see that at a glance. She is not
very drunk, but she is unused to drink, and in a week or so she will take a
ship to Norway. They have been drinking margaritas, and she has salt on her
lips and salt clinging to the back of her hand.

Wednesday is not wearing a suit and tie, but the pin in the
shape of a silver tree he wears over the pocket of his shirt glitters and
glints when the mirror-ball light catches it. They make a fine-looking couple,
considering the difference in their ages. There is a lupine grace to Wednesday’s
movements.

A slow dance. He pulls her close to him, and his pawlike
hand curves around the seat of her skirt possessively, moving her closer to
him. His other hand takes her chin, pushes it upward into his face, and the two
of them kiss,’4here on the floor, as the glitter-ball lights circle them
intoTfie center of the universe.

Soon after, they leave. She sways against him, and he leads
her from the dance hall.

Shadow buried his head in his hands, and did not follow
them, unable or unwilling to witness his own conception.

The mirror lights were gone, and now the only illumination
came from the tiny moon that burned high above his head.

He walked on. At a bend in the path he stopped for a moment
to catch his breath.

He felt a hand run gently up his back, and gentle fingers
ruffle the hair on the back of his head.

“Hello,” whispered a smoky feline voice, over his shoulder.

“Hello,” he said, turning to face her.

She had brown hair and brown skin and her eyes were the deep
golden-amber of good honey. Her pupils were vertical slits. “Do I know you?” he
asked, puzzled.

“Intimately,” she said, and she smiled. “I used to sleep on
your bed. And my people have been keeping their eyes on you, for me.” She
turned to the path ahead of him, pointed to the three ways he could go. “Okay,”
she said. “One way will make you wise. One way will make you whole. And one way
will kill you.”

“I’m already dead, I think,” said Shadow. “I died on the
tree.”

She made a moue. “There’s dead,” she said, “and there’s
dead, and there’s dead. It’s a relative thing.” Then she smiled again. “I could
make a joke about that, you know. Something about dead relatives.”

“No,” said Shadow. “It’s okay.”

“So,” she said. “Which way do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

She tipped her head on one side, a perfectly feline gesture.
Suddenly, Shadow remembered the claw marks on his shoulder. He felt himself
beginning to blush. “If you trust me,” said Bast, “I can choose for you.”

“I trust you,” he said, without hesitation.

“Do you want to know what it’s going to cost you?”

“I’ve already lost my name,” he told her.

“Names come and names go. Was it worth it?”