Always with You (WIth You Trilogy) (15 page)

“Jelly,” Xander growled in warning as I went to open the door.

“I can see it’s Karl through the door,” I pouted, stepping back a few
paces.

Xander shook his head at me in exasperation, opening the door for himself and sheltering me behind him.

“Alright, Xander,” Karl grinned, clapping him on the back as he pushed his way into the small entranceway.

“Sarg,” Xander nodded, closing the door once Matt was inside.

“Jellybean,” Karl scooped me up in his arms and squeezed me tight and Matt followed suit.

“Where’s my coffee, Jelly?” Matt demanded, only half-joking.

“I just made a fresh pot,” Jason offered, leading the way to the kitchen. “That shit Xander makes is undrinkable.”

“Still drinking gorka?” Karl raised his eyebrow at Xander.

“You know me,” he shrugged in reply.

I sat next to Jason and held his hand underneath the table, smiling happily as his thumb traced soft circles on the inside of my wrist. We listened as Xander, Matt and Karl chatted away. Whenever Xander got some time off, he’d give a brief summary of the past week before leaving. Usually this consisted of having nothing to report but I knew Xander would tell them about the suspicious car that morning.

Jason’s hand stilled against mine as Xander recounted the details. I looked up at his face, knowing he wouldn’t take the news well. His eyes were firmly fixed on Xander and his brows were knitted together slightly, a crease of worry at their juncture.

“S
ent the photos to the office. They’ll let us know if anything pops up on the vehicle registration. It could be nothing but I want it checking out anyway. I’ve updated the team.”

I saw Karl frown and I could tell he didn’t think it was nothing, which meant Xander was trying to soften the blow for me, and maybe even for Jason. They continued talking as if nothing creepy had happened that morning and Jason maintained his stony glare at the table.

“Come upstairs with me,” I whispered, leaning over to press a kiss to Jason’s cheek. “We’ll be back in a few,” I added, smiling in Karl’s direction.

“Where are you going?” Karl frowned.

“Upstairs, we won’t be long,” I maintained my smile, even though he was scowling at me.

“Jelly,” he growled, half way to soldier mode.

I ignored him and even managed to avoid rolling my eyes. I knew he wasn’t used to me not listening to him but that wasn’t my concern in that moment. Jason seemed to be upset and that was my first priority.

“Talk to me, Jason,” I urged gently once we were alone in my room. “What’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of my bed, pulling me down with him to sit sideways on his lap.

“What if somethin
g had happened this morning?” He said so quietly I almost missed it.

“Oh, Jason,” I frowned, running my fingers through his hair. “Nothing happened, there’s no point wondering what if. Besides, Xander was with me.”

“I should be the one protecting you,” he shook his head. “I
want
to be the one protecting you.”

I wrapped my arms around him a little tighter and he reciprocated. I could see how much this was bothering him and I wanted to take that worry away. The problem was, I couldn’t deny that I’d been freaked out too.

“Jason,” I started, slowly guiding his gaze to meet mine. “You make me feel safer than anyone, but it’s not your job. I love that you want to protect me but I don’t want it to be your first priority.”

“It’s not an instinct I can repress, Jamie,” Jason frowned, his green blue eyes meeting mine in earnest.

“I know,” I smiled dejectedly. “But it shouldn’t consume you. You’re my boyfriend not my bodyguard. You’ve seen how me and Xander bicker about the decisions he makes for me. I don’t want that to happen with us.”

Jason nodded sadly, pressing a kiss to
my temple. “I can’t lose you again.” He repeated the words he’d said after my kidnapping.

“You won’t lose me, Jason,” I reassured him. “I’ll always be yours. Please don’t worry.”

“I guess I just…” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s been so long and nothing’s happened. I was starting to think that maybe we were overreacting. I thought you were safe.”

“I am safe, Jason,” I smiled as best I could. I didn’t want him to worry but the same thought had crossed my mind.

Jason seemed distracted for the next few hours. I think he was more worried than I was. It occurred to me that I felt relatively safe. I’d come to trust Xander, and my brothers had been protecting me for years, even if I didn’t always welcome it. Most of all though, I trusted my own internal strength. The strength that had grown through Jason’s help. He’d given me the nurturing I needed to get to know myself and put my foot down when I was pushed round. It was the best gift he could ever have given me.

I remember
ed being amazed by how strong Jason was, both physically and mentally. I still am but when he worried about me like he had been doing recently, I saw how vulnerable he could be and the insecurities he had well hidden. When we had fought after the Shana incident, it was so hard to see him so dejected. I’d needed him to be his usual strong self for me. It occurred to me that perhaps that was selfish of me. Jason needed me to be strong for him too.

Saturday, 31st August 2013

With Xander gone, Matt and Karl had insisted we do anything other than sit at home all day. The two of them never were any good at sitting still. I suspected Karl wanted to keep himself distracted so that he didn’t have to think about his wife and daughter back home without him. I knew he missed them.

“Chicken,” Matt goaded me with a wicked grin.

“I’m not a child, Matt,” I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest. “You can’t bully me into doing it.”

“She’s scared, bless her,” Karl joined in, being obscenely condescending.

I scowled at the pair of them but they just grinned back.
I knew this was a bad idea, I don’t know why I suggested it
. I’d taken them to the climbing wall because the two of them had always been sporty and competitive and I figured they’d probably turn it into some sort of battle for alpha male but at least they’d have fun doing it. What I hadn’t counted on was the two of them teaming up against me.

“Just drop it, please?” I pleaded, dangerously close to sulking.

“Just do it, Jelly,” Karl said more firmly.

I frowned back. He wasn’t kidding anymore. I wasn’t scared of heights. I wasn’t scared of climbing either. I just didn’t want to make a fool of myself. We’d been to climbing walls tonnes of times before but they always seemed to do something to make me look stupid. They used to think it was hilarious to let the rope slip whilst I was rappelling down and I’d scream and cry when they caught the rope just before I hit the ground.

“You’re just going to try and knock me off,” I protested whilst Matt nudged me closer to the wall.

“You can’t make her do it if she doesn’t want to,” Jason frowned, stepping to my defence as usual.

“Being scared is no reason not to do something, Jelly,” Karl ignored him.

His words rang true in my mind. I knew he was right, I’d been trying not to let fear get in my way for the past few months.

“Fine,” I sighed melodramatically. “I’ll climb, but Jason holds the ropes and if either of you two try and make me jump or knock me off, I’ll send out invites to
all
the cousins for a house party next weekend.”

I grinned
to myself. We loved our cousins but we had a hell of a lot of them. We were numerous already, add the twenty or so extra people into the mixture and it led to a very noisy, very chaotic day.

“And I’ll tell the twins you volunteered to do their washing every time you come home,” Matt warned.

I laughed even though I was doing my best to scowl at them. I don’t know how they did it, but the twins tended to produce three times the amount of dirty washing as anyone else.

Karl made sure I was cinched up tight and double-checked the lines before handing over the ropes to Jason. The three of them had already been up once, each trying to get the quickest time on the hardest section of wall.

Matt positioned himself on the wall beside me and smirked. I knew what that smirk meant. It was “I’m gonna kick your ass at this”. He was right. I wasn’t as competitive as they were. I just wanted to reach the top without making a fool of myself. I narrowed my eyes at him playfully regardless. I knew it’d be more fun for him if he was delighting in kicking my ass as he scaled the wall.

He was a couple of feet above me before I even got half way. Jason was calling up words of encouragement which almost drowned out Matt’s “slow-poke” jeers.

Just above the halfway point, the wall curled outwards sharply. To get to the top, I’d have to effectively hang upside down and use all my strength to climb over the protuberance.

It was harder than I’d anticipated and the muscles in my arms were creaking from the pressure of holding my weight on the small finger and footholds. It was making my hands sweat and I was terrified of falling. It was an irrational fear because I knew Jason was holding the ropes and I wouldn’t really be falling. But I was scared nonetheless.

Whenever I tried to move one of my hands to the next handhold, I could feel my body start to lose its current, relatively safe position so I stayed as I was; completely still and clutching onto the wall for dear life. I could hear Jason continuing to try and coax me upwards but his words weren’t reaching me. They weren’t sinking in.

Inwardly, I cursed myself for being paralysed by fear once more. I didn’t want to give up, but I probably couldn’t have even if I’d wanted to. I couldn’t see a way down or up.

“Just breathe, Jelly.” I heard Matt’s voice from somewhere close by.

He’d climbed back down the wall to my level and was now just a meter to my left, the bulge in the wall causing little problem for him.

“That’s it,” he encouraged. “Two deep breaths. You got this, Jelly.”

I took another two deep breaths and let my heart rate slow down.

“You need to move your right arm to the blue grip above you,” he continued.

“I… I can’t,” I whispered.

“You can, Jelly,” Matt answered sternly.

I shook my head and took another deep breath, trying to pull my body closer to the wall. My hands were getting tired and I knew I wasn’t far from losing my grip completely.

“Stop being a pussy and do it!” He snapped, his teacher voice even more effective with profanities thrown in.

Instantly
, I was fifteen years old again and blindly following the orders of an authority figure. Before, I’d followed his orders out of fear of retribution and fear of failure. The fear of retribution wasn’t driving me now. Neither was the fear of failure. I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to let them down. However, the thing that was driving me now was that Matt had scaled back down the wall just to make sure I was okay and give me a kick up the arse to keep me going.

I forced my body into action almost mechanically, plotting my next move and focussing on inching my way up the wall bit by bit. My body was trembling, with fear or adrenaline
, I didn’t know, but I kept on going. Every move closer to the top filled me with strength. I’d been scared but I’d done it. I’d moved past it and I made it to the top.

Rappelling had never before been so fun because I was proud of myself. I’d climbed the toughest route there. I may not have done it as quickly or as impressively as the others but I didn’t care. I’d beaten a moment of fear and done it.

Karl gave me a slight smile and a wink as he helped remove me from my harness. That was his way of showing me he was proud of me without opening his mouth. If he’d opened his mouth, his big-brother-itus would have forced him to blurt out some mean comment about my panic attack and I was grateful that he decided against doing so.

Matt just gave me a small hug. He’d reached the bottom before me because
, even though he stopped to help me, he’d still hit the top before I had.

“Not too shabby, half pint,” he mocked me affectionately.

Jason was more tactful. He scooped me up in his arms and told me how proud of me he was, raining small kisses all over my face whilst I giggled happily.

I was still thinking about it as I lay in bed that night and tried to sleep.
I loved that Matt had been so nice in helping me. He was a fairly private person but I knew him well enough to know that he didn’t like being openly kind. I didn’t understand why but he seemed to feel vulnerable about it. Regardless, he chose to help me and I was extremely grateful for that.

With Matt and Karl both staying over I was forced to spend the night without Jason again. I wasn’t particularly happy about it but it was just one more night and I’d had an amazing day with him and my brothers.

Karl had decided he was sleeping in my bed with me whilst Matt took Xander’s usual spot on the sofa. I knew it wasn’t worth arguing with Karl about something so small so I just changed my bedding. What sort of a sister would let her brother sleep in the bed she’d shared with her boyfriend without changing the sheets first?

I had a double bed but I knew Elise and Karl usually had a queen and I could see why now that I had his hulking form in my bed. He was huge. He took up over two thirds of the bed so that me and my crochet blanket were relegated to the corner of the mattress. To make things worse
, he didn’t seem able to keep still.

After a good hour of huffing and puffing and complaining he couldn’t sl
eep, he’d finally drifted off but it seemed he was just as bad when he was asleep. After being elbowed in the face and ribs a few times, I gave up trying to sleep and decided to sneak downstairs for a cup of warm milk.
Hopefully he’ll have settled down before I go back up.

I wasn’t sure what time it was. I figured it must have been some time after midnight so I crept down the stairs so I wouldn’t wake anyone up. I needn’t have bothered though, when I got close to the bottom of the stairs I could see the shimmering pattern of light indicating the television was still on.
I could hear the low murmur of voices and I wondered idly who was still up. I was almost at the doorway when I stopped, frozen in place by what I heard.

“So you’re an orphan?” Matt’s voice carried into the hallway.

I cringed inwardly. He had to be talking to Adam and it didn’t seem he was approaching the issue sensitively.

“Yup,” Adam answered, his lips smacking together on the final P.

“How old were you?” Matt asked. His voice was quiet but he didn’t seem hostile, just curious.

“Four, but I don’t remember,” Adam replied. I could practically see him shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.
“They died in a car accident and I survived.”

“Never got adopted?” Matt probed further.

Jesus, Matt, have some tact
, I cringed again.

“Nope. Guess nobody ever wanted me,” Adam replied with a hollow laugh.

“Doubt that’s true,” Matt grunted. “Just means you never met the right family.”

My cringe disappeared and was replaced with shock. It almost sounded like Matt was being nice to Adam.
Like I said, Matt didn’t really do nice. It wasn’t that he wasn’t a nice guy – he was – he just didn’t show it in the usual way.

“My Dad left before I was even born,” he continued. “Mum never wanted me. My sister was a fucked up bitch. I may have had parents but I was never wanted either. Not there at least.”

The two of them remained silent a while. I knew why. Usually in this situation somebody would say “sorry” or “oh, that’s awful” but there was no need for that. Both of them understood that what was done was done and neither of them were at fault for their childhoods.

“Carters pretty much took me in when I was eight. I lived with my Mum on and off for years but their house was always my home. They were always my family,” Matt continued, his voice still low and gentle.

“Lucky,” Adam replied. He didn’t sound resentful or bitter which would have been understandable. He just sounded like he was glad Matt had found a family.

“I’m only telling you this because you need to understand what sort of people the Carters are. If they care about somebody, they make them a part of the family and they protect their family at all costs. I’m sure you know this. You live with Jelly,” he laughed.

“Protective is one word I’d use to describe you lot, that’s for sure,” Adam replied cheekily.

Matt chuckled. “My point is, they care about you too. You saved Jelly and each and every one of us would give our lives to repay that debt to you.”

“No, shut up,” Matt cut Adam off as he went to speak. “That means that if you’re not sat around the Christmas table in a few months time, I will personally track you down and drag you to Derby and then beat the shit out of you for not showing up. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” Adam managed eventually, clearly a little choked up.

There were tears brimming in my eyes from listening to their exchange. I didn’t know much about Matt’s family. I knew all I needed to know, that they were not nice people. It hadn’t occurred to me that Matt and Adam had some of their formative years in common but I thought it was adorable that Matt was reaching out to Adam like this.

I suddenly realised how wrong it was of me to be eavesdropping so I tried to make myself heard as I ambled into the room.

“Not threatening my friend are you, Matt?” I grinned. I didn’t want him to know how long I’d been listening but I wasn’t going to hide it either.

“Friendly warning,” Matt grinned, gesturing for me to come sit next to him on the sofa.

I raised my eyebrow at him but sat down on the sofa regardless.

“We were just talking,” Adam smiled at me reassuringly.

I looked him over, he looked happy. Nothing to suggest any of what Matt had said had upset him. He seemed to have taken it as the compliment it was meant as.

“What you doing up, Jelly?” Matt interrupted my inspection of my best friend.

I gave him my best I’m-not-a-child face before I answered. “Karl kept hitting me in his sleep. I came down here before I hit him back and pissed him off by waking him up.”

Matt laughed. “Poor twat,” he shook his head with a smile. “Always takes him a few days to adjust to sleeping without Elise.”

“That’s kind of sweet,” I smiled.