Always Summer (37 page)

Summer and
I had limited each other to spend no more than $100 on each other.
 
I purchased for her three CDs that she had
been desperately wanting, alongside a vibrating handheld massager for her back
as she got heavier with our babies (which generated a lot of inappropriate
banter) and a tub of body butter, which she had been eyeing off in a catalogue.

Summer had
bought me a set of high quality brushes and an electric razor.
 
Then she leant into me and whispered.

“Your other
present is not for their eyes.” She suggestively said.

I grinned
stupidly.

“Come with
me.” She requested.

“Okay.” I
whispered back conspiratorially.

When we
rose, Max asked us to wait.

“There’s
another present for you
Summer
.” He said urgently.

“I’ll be
right back... I just have to show something to Blake.” She said.
 
Grabbing my hand and tugging me toward the
door.

Max’s
eyebrows rose, Debbie’s face broke into a smirk, as did Phoebe and Elspeth’s;
but Henry grimaced and Sally sat rigid.

“Get your
minds out of the gutter!” Summer laughed, before yanking my arm and pulling me
in the direction of the stairs.

As we
ascended the stairs, I leant into
Summer
to grumble,

“My mind
was completely in the gutter... now it’s just disappointed.”

She
chuckled, “Come on lover boy.” She said, pulling me into her old room, where we
had been sleeping.

She went to
our bags in the corner and pulled a little gift bag out, handing it to me.

“For me?”
I joked in a silly childlike voice.

“Yes!” she
laughed.

I looked
inside the top of the bag... It looked like leather, whatever it was.
 
I must’ve looked confused, because she told
me to pull them out.
 
My confusion fled
when I pulled out leather handcuffs, connected by a chain... rather, I started
getting a hard on...
Fuck!

“Jesus
woman... you’ve undone me!
 
Can we use
them now?” I asked enthusiastically.

“No!” she
laughed.
 
“Later we can, tonight in your
bed!” she enthused.

“I’m going
to fucking explode between now and then you realize.” I lamented.
 
I was so turned on right at that moment.

“Rein it
in... we’re needed downstairs!” she argued.

If it
wasn’t for the fact that I knew what present awaited her, I would’ve made
everyone wait while I devoured every inch of her, while she lay cuffed to her
bed.

I growled,
and attempted to think of gross things to temper my arousal.

*

Summer
slumped back down in the seat we had vacated only moments before.
 
I sat beside her legs on the floor once more,
making sure to keep my own legs curled up as far as I could while I continued
to struggle with my thoughts.

“Okay,” Max
began, grabbing all of our attention.
 
“The last presents are for
Summer
and Sally.”
He said
,
pulling out two tubes with ribbon tied around
the middle.
 
He gave the red ribboned
tube to Sally and the green ribboned tube to
Summer
.

Sally and
Summer
, seated next to each other, looked at each other and
opened the tubes simultaneously.

Pulling out
the papers held within, Sally gasped and placed her slender hand across her
mouth.
 
Summer squealed,

“Oh. My.
God... Oh my God!” she scanned the papers, her hands clenched and scrunching
the edges of the paper.

Sally’s
hands were shaking, the paper in her hands vibrating.

Summer
launched up out of her seat and screamed.
 
Pelting across the small space between herself and Max and Debbie, who
sat opposite on a love seat under the window; in order to throw herself into
their
arms.

“You really
want me?” she cried.

“Yes!” Max
croaked.
 
“You’re both my girls.”

Debbie
couldn’t
talk,
she just nodded and cried, holding
Summer fiercely.

Sally
walked tentatively over to the three of them and threw herself over the back of
Summer
for a group hug.

I teared
up... as did everyone else, even the stoic Henry.

After
several minutes of hugging and crying,
Summer
stood up
and ran out of the room, coming back just as I was making my way out to be sure
she was alright.
 
She was carrying two
pens.

“Sal... here.”
She said, handing a pen to her sister.

She whirled
around and slammed the papers in her hands down on the coffee table.
 
She furiously scrubbed tears from her eyes,
as I knelt beside her and placed my arm around her shoulders.

“I’m so...
happy, Blake!” She blurted out around her sobs.

I squeezed
her tight as she smoothed the papers she’d crumpled in her hands.

She signed
in every space that had a little sticky ‘signature required’ post it positioned
for her attention.
 
Then she threw down
the pen, grabbed my face in her hands and kissed me deeply.
 
After a minute or two of trying to devour me
(not that I was complaining), she jumped back up and dashed back over to Max
and Debbie... handing them the paperwork and declaring to everyone how much she
loved them all.
 
Sally followed suit.

Before we
left for my parents place,
Summer
had asked permission
to call Max and Debbie Mom and Dad, which of course established another round
of tears and kisses.
 
Summer was over the
moon... I was grinning like the Cheshire
Cat
... 2011
was the best year ever!

*

Actually,
2011 ended on a low... Henry, the asshole, hadn’t woken up to himself; rather,
he ran as fast as he could two days before the New Year... and the
circumstances had me wanting to find him and punch some sense into him.

Sally.

It was her
day... she was no longer mine... I was no longer the centre of her
universe!
 
And despite being 15 weeks
pregnant with twins, she was still so small that if you didn’t know her, you’d
think she wasn’t pregnant at all... though her breasts were huge!
 
She was still more beautiful than ever.

Her silk
and chiffon ‘Champaign’ dress was exquisite.
 
She chose Champaign as the color due to her inability to drink a glass
of it... it seemed fitting.

The dress
was sleeveless, with a heart shaped bodice of silk, and a gathered silk
waist.
 
The skirt extended only to her
knees, and below the waist, the dress had chiffon gauze softly falling over the
silk skirt in an ethereal combination; her bodice was supported by chiffon
shoulder straps that extended to fan across her breasts, finishing just below them.
 

Her hair
was left out in a soft messy curl and she had blond highlights; tiny flowers
and diamantes were strategically assorted throughout.

Her makeup
was minimal and perfect.

She wore
simple little ballet-style slippers, ribbons lacing up her ankles.
  

In her
hands, rather than carrying flowers, she carried a posy of colorful fake
butterflies.
 
It looked awesome... she
looked awesome!
 
The little fairy I had
conjured up all those years ago was real... she was stunning!

I carried
nothing... just wearing a simple black cocktail dress... as did Julie.

Blake wore
a dark grey three piece suit, white shirt and Champaign accents.

When he saw
her walking towards him... his face looked enchanted... she was full of magic,
and she was giving her magic to him now.

Adding to
the magical atmosphere were the tea lights, candles and fairy lights.

The wedding
was quiet and beautiful...
I wanted it to
be mine!

*

I had been
feeling depressed for some time now... January was half over.
 
Henry left me just before New Years; after
the extensive happiness of Christmas, he plunged my bubble of light into the
depths of gloom, where it promptly burst.
 
It was nearing three weeks since I was unceremoniously dumped for
another woman.

The
numbness hadn’t gone.

I was
walking by rote...

Talking by
rote...

Working by
rote...

Nothing had
taste, nothing gave me satisfaction, I couldn’t really care... he was gone...
four years... he knew everything there was to know about me, and I wasn’t what
he wanted.
 
He wanted someone else.

Summer
visits weekly, but it doesn’t mean anything anymore... she is his now... she is
his heart now...
mine is broken!

*

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat!

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat!

Tediousness... I lay in the darkness... and I
breathe.

*

Another
day, another shift...
 
nobody notices the
Morphine going missing... it is meant to be discarded, we don’t keep it once we
take what we need, but I pretend, write it up as discarded and pocket it.

I used to steal... I was good at it...
apparently I still am.

*

Considering
my weight, I worked out my lethal dosage, and added some... Sleep will come...
soon.

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat!

No! Make it stop... no repeat... please!
 
I’m damaged... unwanted.

*

I write a
letter to
Summer
, telling her I love her, that I’m
sorry to cause her pain, and that I want her to go on to greater things!

It’s kind
of a lie... I don’t care... it’s just the right thing to say... my last
responsibility.
 
I ask her to love me
enough to understand.

I work... I
offer to countersign every restricted medication I can... they’ll know in the
end... by then it won’t matter anyway.

*

300mg...
Should be plenty...

I draw it
up.

It’s
the
23rd January today... Henry’s birthday!

I turn off
all the heat in the condo.

I lay on
our bed... on my side of it of course.

I inject it
in my foot, so I have time to lie down and drift off.
 
I take off the tourniquet...

So I lay there.

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat.

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat.

Breathe in,
breathe out... repeat.

Breathe
in...
breathe
out... repeat.

Drowsy...

Breathe
in...
breathe
out... repeat.

Sleepy...

Breathe
in...

Breathe
out...

Repeat...

No more...

Blake.

She stares,
empty and silent… I had held her for hours while she vomited, screamed and
cried, in that order.
 
Her glassy eyes
simply stare now, as she lies on the floor where she first found out, next to a
wet patch on the floor, where she had emptied the contents of her stomach;
since which I had cleaned it up.

She stares…
at the candle I have lit on the windowsill.

I feel
gutted… the churning that first appeared when she took the phone call drained
with her every purge; every scream; …every tear!
 
Now my insides feel as hollow as her eyes.
 
I move about in complete silence… trying to
make things easier for her.
 
But my soul
is rent as well.

These
feelings of desperate pain begin to parallel my emotions when I was five… after
Anthea… and now suddenly I remember everything she’d made me
do
.

I remember
the sound of her voice…

I remember
her promises…

I remember
her intimate touch…

I remember her taste
… and I want to remove her once
again from my body; from the hold she had, the hold that I had removed and yet
in this grief, have allowed to resurface.