Always Been Mine (13 page)

“Ah, fuck!” I groaned, my back arching. He squeezed again, harder. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. His eyes were unnerving, glaring into mine. His expression was a mixture of puzzlement and disbelief, and, for a brief moment, he looked sad. “Billy.” It was a plea, but I didn’t know if I was asking him to stop of if I was begging for more. What in the hell was wrong with me?

“You liked that.” It wasn’t a question, but he sounded confused. Will liked the missionary position. At night. In our bed. And, cuddling after sex. He only got authoritative and rough when we had a ‘sex night’ planned, and he’d never been like this. He’d never hurt me, I’d never been scared of him. This would disgust him. I would disgust him even more. But at least he’d walk away. He was right, I did like it. My entire body was on fire. His eyes flashed for a brief second and the fingers released my nipple and he pulled his arm from my shirt. I closed my eyes; I didn’t want to see the repulsion I was sure they would hold in just a few minutes.

The hand around my neck tightened for a brief moment, tipping my head back. I could feel his breath and knew that he was close. Teeth tugged at my bottom lip and nibbled down my chin. Warm lips closed over mine and kissed me gently. My body responded immediately, before my mind could stop it. He pulled away suddenly, and the hand on my throat let go.

I expected him to walk away. To leave without saying a word, and felt relief at the idea. This wasn't why I had come here. This was wrong. The hands that grabbed my upper arms, pulling me forward before shoving me into the wall, were a surprise. It wasn’t a hard push, but my eyes flew open in shock. I didn’t have time to react; Will’s hands were under my shirt, pulling it up and over my head before my mind even registered what was happening. His mouth was on me before my shirt was fully off. He bit my shoulder before pulling me forward and spinning me around.

He pushed me against the wall, more gently than he had earlier, and put my arms against my sides. His hands moved to my bra and my breasts fell slightly as he undid the clasp and slid it to the ground with my shirt. His left hand slid between me and the wall and cupped me, rolling my nipple between two fingers. His right hand slid under the side of my shorts, grabbing my waist and digging fingernails in. His mouth, though, was all I could focus on. He nipped at my shoulder blade, then ran his tongue across my back to the other shoulder blade, biting at it once more. I could feel the goose bumps coming out and shivered every time his tongue made a warm, wet line on my skin.

The hands changed places, his left grabbing my hip and needing at it while his right teased my nipple. He chewed and licked his way up to my neck. I sighed as his tongue made circles right beneath my ear. Every part of me was turned on. Teeth responded and they bit down roughly. I yelped, as much in surprise as in pain. His mouth came next to my ear and he laughed. His left hand grabbed the top of my head and pulled it toward my shoulder, giving him more access and his teeth dug into me all the way down to my shoulder. I gasped. It hurt and I tried to pull away. “That’s what you like, isn’t it?” His voice was cold.

“There’s a difference!” I spat out between clenched teeth, pushing against the wall. I was quite sure he’d just drawn blood.

He let go of me suddenly and whirled me back around. His face was dark with anger once again and I realized that he’d been playing me all along. He stepped back and the look on his face said it all. He was as infuriated with me as I was him. The last few minutes were nothing more than a chance for him to humiliate me. Well, buddy, mission accomplished. I glanced down, searching for my clothes. I needed to get away from him, even if we weren’t any closer to figuring out our mess than we were when I got here.

Will’s hands moved quickly, grabbing the bottom of his shirt and yanking it over his head. The sudden movement made me jump. I had never even entertained the idea that Will might strike me, but the last few minutes had made me uneasy. I hoped he hadn’t seen it because that’s all I needed. Him to think he had power and I was terrified of him.

His shirt hit the floor and he stepped toward me. Tan, muscular arms wrapped around me, under my arms, hands sliding into the back pockets of my shorts. In one quick movement he pulled me into him and pushed my back into the wall again. My head thumped against it making an awful sound and caused me to yelp. I couldn't stop the tears that started to fall then, and I barely got out the words. "Stop Will. Just stop it!"

His fingers were digging into my upper arms when I croaked out the words and I watched his face as they sunk in. Anger, shock, and embarrassment showed on his face before he yanked me into his arms, wrapping them around my back and holding me tight as he leaned us back against the wall. My mind struggled to process what was happening. Ten seconds ago he looked at me like I was something he wanted to hurt. Now, he was holding me against him as if my life depended on it. The cold smooth wall was such a contrast to the heated skin on his chest that I fought off a shiver and wrapped my arms tight against his neck, trying to get closer to his warmth, trying to get closer to him. I pushed my check against his breast bone and sobbed.

“Jo?” His voice was muffled by my hair, but I couldn’t look up. My tears had stopped, but I was still trembling. I was too afraid of what I’d see, or what he might be able to read from my face. I didn’t know what to say. I listened to his heart start to beat slower, a more regular pace. He inhaled deeply, "Jo, please. Please talk to me. I am so sorry." I didn't want to move, but I pulled back, searching his face. He was gazing down at me, sadness etched in every line on his face, the anger gone.

He leaned his head down, lips meeting mine. It was a gentle soft kiss, nothing like a few minutes ago. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts drift away as I kissed him back. The boy could still kiss; he had a way of making me forget everything else in the world and leaving me breathless. One of his hands slid out of my pocket and up my back, urging me into him. I moved both of mine onto his head, running my hands through blonde curls.

Fingertips traced down my spine and back up. The movement reminded me of Matty. I felt my body become rigid as I pictured the smiling happy man I’d been with just a few hours ago and I pulled my mouth from Will's. He straightened, but didn't back away. He looked down at me, and for a few minutes we just stared at each other. He looked devastated and I didn't know if he was upset with himself or me, but I just wanted to make that hurt go away. My heart was struggled with my mind.

This was Will.
My Will
. The man that knew me better than I knew myself. I loved him with every part of my being. For so many years his happiness had been the most important thing to me, and I would have given him the world on a platter if I could see that beautiful smile of his. Will was home. He was the face I looked for in the crowd, the hand I held through every scary movie, my first call when I got out of work. We were a team. We had built this amazing life together and made gorgeous babies. His bare chest pressed against mine and my fingers ached to run over his skin. My body had belonged to him for so long that it felt unnatural to not touch him.

But this was Will. The man that knew I loved him, that I would do what I could to make him happy, that I would forgive for almost anything. And he knew where my limits were. Now, he was, above all else, the man that had crossed the one line I had drawn deep in the sand. He was the man that had hurt me.

Everyone wants to focus on the good times. But when you highlight the good and try to forget the rest, you're only cheating yourself. Every fight, every angry word that is spoken, every stressful situation holds a lesson to be learned. Some are there to teach patience, others make you see your own flaws and vow to be a better person. And sometimes, you realize just how much you have to lose so you can change what you have to in order to keep the things you love. Ultimately, you have to see the whole picture. When one, or both, people focus only on the good and stop learning lessons from the bad, it's time to say goodbye.

The man in front of me had given me so many good days I couldn't begin to count them. Some of them had started bad, some so awful that I was sure I would die from heartache or the pain, but we had dealt with them together and turned them around. Part of me wanted to fight for that now. I could change the parts of me that he was struggling with—I could reach that part of him that obviously still wanted me and make him love me again. But, what lesson would that be? That I'm not good enough the way I am? Would Will think that he could cheat, that when times got hard he could go to another woman? Because those were not healthy thoughts for either of us.

'Men don't cheat because they're unhappy with their wives. Men cheat because they're unhappy with themselves
.' Matty's words came back to me. I didn't want to think of Matt right now because I wanted to believe he had nothing to do with this. But he did. He had everything to do with it. I loved him. The thought made my heart ache. I couldn't be here for Will the way I wanted to be, because I loved someone else more. I needed to figure out if my feelings for him were real or if it was just because he was my friend mixed with everything that happened the last few weeks. Either way, the sudden realization that I was in love with another man but was still standing half naked in front of Will shamed me. The fact that I'd almost fucked him made me angry with myself.

Will's face showed only sad emotions as he held me against him, like he knew where my thoughts had gone. I knew that today wasn't what he had planned, that it had gone horribly wrong. He knew about Matty, even if I didn't say the words. He knew me that well. I understood jealousy—that nasty little emotion that made a person behave in ways they never thought they would. I honestly couldn't imagine a time when I might not harbor those feelings toward his girlfriend. There was so much history between us and the way he had looked at her reminded me of a time when that expression was directed at me. It triggered feelings of possession. That's what today had been, a way to prove to each other and the rest of the world that we belonged to the other. But we didn't anymore.

"I saw you with her." His eyebrows lifted and I felt his heartbeat quicken, but he didn't move. "Last week." Had it really only been last Friday that I'd seen them dancing? "I'd talked to you that afternoon and I was going to Matty's for dinner." You told me you were sorry, that you loved me. I didn't need to say the words. The look on Will's face told me he remembered. "Taylor and I had words," Well, Taylor had at least, "and I left not long after I got there. Matty came after me and we went out to dinner." And drinks. And a motorcycle ride in the rain. And, so much more. Will swallowed. "You two looked like a real couple, like you'd been together forever." He backed away from me slowly. "And, when you left, there wasn't a single person in that club that doubted you were taking her to bed."

He made a guttural sound, as if I'd just cut out his heart. "Joey."

I shook my head at the hand he offered, reaching down to grab my shirt. I stood, slipping it over my head, not worrying about my bra. "It really is a small state, William." I sighed. "This," I ran my fingers over my neck, "this happened yesterday morning after Matty dragged my drunk ass home from a bar. It wasn't planned, and he tried to get me to stop. I got mouthy and told him if he wouldn't sleep with me, that I would find someone that would. So, you can be happy with the knowledge that yes, I had to beg him to take me to bed." I felt my voice shake at the connection. He looked like I had just slapped him and tried to interrupt, but I kept talking. "Matty isn't any of your business, and I won't discuss him again. Rachel isn't any of mine." I turned towards the door. "I...I can’t do this. I’m done.” The words came out as a sob. “We need to figure this out for the kids. But, what happened today will not happen again!" I shut the door behind me and ran for my car before he could stop me.

I was only a few miles down the road before my phone beeped, letting me know I’d gotten a text message. Glancing down, I saw Will’s simple words.
I am so sorry, Joey! I love you. Please come back.
I pulled over and let my tears fall. 

Something was touching me, lightly. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn’t stop. He was staring at me when I opened my eyes, a slight smile on his face. “Well, hello Sleepy Head.” His voice was low and seductive, but I jumped anyway.

The room was dark and Matty's eyes seemed to glow bright against the black.

He laughed. "Sorry honey!" It took me a few minutes to realize where I was. I didn’t know how late it was, but by the darkness in the room, I’d say it was well into the evening. I’d come back to the hotel after meeting with Will, taken a shower, crawled into bed in Matty’s tee shirt and cried myself to sleep. I must have been more exhausted than I thought. “I wasn’t going to wake you up, but I couldn’t help myself.” He smiled slyly at me, leaning in for a light kiss.

He was sprawled out on the bed next to me, his head on my pillow. I touched his cheek and smiled back at him. I was so happy to see him I could have cried. I kissed him back warmly, moving into him. He laughed, a low chuckle, deepening our kiss, putting his arm over me. His lips moved slowly over my jaw, up to my ear, and down onto my neck. When his tongue touched the wounds that Will had left earlier, I flinched and cried out. It hurt like hell.

Matty pulled back, panic in his eyes. “Joes? What…” he sat up and reached for the bedside table. The light brightened the room immediately. I sat up, covering my eyes. My neck was killing me, my wrist ached, I had a stiff neck, the light was blinding me, and all too late I remembered the migraine that had prompted my all
afternoon sleep-a-thon. I rocked myself back and forth, head in my hands, silently begging the nausea to go away, willing my body not to throw up. Matty had turned back to me, the look on his face told me he was trying to figure out what was wrong.

I felt the bed shift as he moved off the mattress. “Jo?” His voice was soft as he came around my side of the bed. “What happened honey?”

I took a deep breath, thankful the nausea had subsided. I opened one eye, and then the other. He was kneeling on the floor next to the bed, watching me with wide eyes. I tried to smile. “Sorry. Migrain.”

He gave me a wry smile. “I’ve heard of the headache excuse, but no one has ever tried to use it on me before.”

I laughed. The movement made my neck hurt though, and I groaned. I felt like I’d been run over by a truck, not… how exactly could I classify what happened with Will? There were girls out there that let their men do much worse to them for sexual pleasure. I wondered how they felt the next day. It wasn't the physical pains that were making me sick, I'd had much worse. No, it was the stress, the emotions that I couldn't figure out. I was lost. Another wave of nausea rolled over me as I remembered how much I enjoyed Will’s hands on me, how I’d…

“Jo? Where’d you go?” Matty’s voice cut through my thoughts. He was standing now and I raised my head to look at him. “Do you have any ibuprofen or Tylenol? I’ll go grab you some.” He leaned down to kiss me, brushing my hair back off my face. “What the…” I cringed at his tone. I knew he’d seen the marks.

I shook my head at him. “It’s nothing.” But he was on the bed, pulling my shirt off my shoulder gently, looking at the bloody puffy lines that Will had left earlier. I moved my hand to swat him away, but he only caught my fingers and swore under his breath. I looked down at the hand he held, realizing a little too late that my wrist was swollen and turned purplish blue in a line that resembled a bracelet. “I’m fine.” I pulled away, standing up, and walking to the fridge to grab a water.

             
“What happened?” I knew he was behind me before his hands fell on my hips. “Did Will do this to you?” I didn’t want to talk about it, but knew if I didn’t offer some sort of an explanation, he would assume the worst. I turned around, looking down, afraid to meet his eyes. He bent his knees, squatting in front of me to lower himself to my height. "Did he," his voice broke over the next words, "hurt you?"

I knew what he was asking and I shook my head. With all the bruises on my body, and my reaction, I should have known that is where his mind would head. “It really does look worse than it is.” I sighed. “I’m just tired, and have a headache. It looks bad.” I nodded at his scowling face. “Things at Will’s got out of hand, but…” I didn’t even have a chance to finish before he made a noise that sounded like a wild animal growling. He turned away from me and stalked toward the door. “Matty? Where are you going?” Was he leaving me because he thought I slept with Will? Was he leaving because I let Will touch me?

              “I’m going to kick his fucking ass!” He didn’t stop, just threw the words over his shoulder.

             
I felt a sob coming, and even though I tried to fight it back down, some of it escaped. “Please don’t leave me alone, Matty. Please!” He spun around at those words, his face suddenly softer. I was barely standing upright, knowing at any minute I was going to collapse on the floor in front of him like the damsel in distress. He practically lunged across the room, scooping me up like I didn't weigh more than an infant, and pulled me into his arms. He carried me to the couch, sitting with me on his lap. I couldn’t stop the tears, crying until I soaked his shirt.

             
He waited until I was completely cried out before he spoke. “What happened Jo?” In a rush of words, I told him the truth. All of it. The awful fight, the cruel words that Will and I had said, the fact that Will’s kisses made me forget where I was, his exploration of my body and my reaction to him. I told him how scared I’d been when Will held my hands away from me, how he hurt me, how I thought for a few minutes that Will was actually going to kill me. I told him I didn’t want to be with Will, that I thought I was in love with him, but that I loved Will, too. There was so much more to tell, but my head was pounding, my blood pressure was probably through the roof, and once I realized that I'd just confessed how I really felt, I slapped my hand over my mouth, terrified of Matty's reaction. I broke into hysterics again, begging him not to leave me because I didn’t know what I would do without him. I knew I was pathetic, but I couldn’t stop.

Matty listened to everything I said, not saying a word, his hand stroking my head and playing with my hair, then rubbing my temples. Every so often he would shush me trying to calm me down. Finally, he shifted us on the couch so he was lying down with me, his back against the couch, my back against him, one of his arms cradled my head, the other held me to him. "I'm here, Jo. I'm right here and I’m not going anywhere."

I don't know how long we laid there, but I needed water and an entire bottle of pain meds. Matty sat up when I did, rubbing my back. "I'm sorry," was all I could mutter before heading to the bathroom. I hope he knew that I meant it for so many things. He followed me, bottle of water in his hand and gave me a slight smile when he saw me struggling with the childproof cap. He took it from my hands, opened it, and handed me three migraine pills. I gulped them down, closed my eyes, and leaned against the narrow wall next to the shower.

“Hey.” I opened my eyes. He was leaning back against the sink, long legs stretched out, one propped over the other, his arms beside him, hands gripping the edge of the countertop. The worry showed on his face, top teeth gently biting his lower lip in concentration. I didn’t know if he was worried about me or worried about what I’d said. I gave him a small smile, trying to tell him that I’d be fine. I hoped that he wasn’t going to bring up my confession from earlier; things with him were good, I had him back. I couldn’t handle losing him right now. “You need to get away from all of this for a little while.” Did he mean Will, him, or both of them? I closed my eyes, bracing for the moment he’d tell me he was packing his stuff and leaving to give me space. “I’m going home next weekend.” Home? My eyes flew open in confusion. He gave me a small smile. “I know it’s an entire week away, but I thought it would give you something to look forward to.” I shook my head, not understanding. Matty leaving was not something to look forward to. I closed my eyes again. “Come to Boston with me.” I pushed off the wall, eyes flying open, meeting his. He shrugged. “I didn’t want to ask like this, but…” he chuckled, “it seemed like the right moment. Will you come?”

I nodded, the movement sending pains through my skull. “Absolutely.” My mumbled answer didn’t come close to conveying the excitement I felt.

He straightened up, grin wide. “Phew. I was afraid you’d say no.” He reached out for me. “You really ok?” I smiled and gave him a small nod. He sighed. “I’m exhausted. Who knew a nine year old could deplete my never-ending energy so quickly? He kept me going from the time he woke up until the time I tucked him in.” He gave me a dazzling smile. “And you, baby cakes, look like death warmed over. I’d say it’s been an exhausting day—both physically and emotionally. I need a bed, a comfy pillow, and your body to wrap my arms around. Come cuddle me?” I grunted as I took his hand and let him pull me to bed.

He pulled back the covers for me before going around to the other side and sliding in. I felt his bare legs cover mine, as he leaned over me, kissing my temple.

“Good night, Joes. I’m right here… sleep tight.” I smiled, sleepily. I wanted to tell him I loved him, to thank him for being him. But all I could do was close my eyes and let my medicine work. I was almost asleep when he moved against me, his arm covering my body protectively. I leaned into him, feeling his muscles tense. “Joes,” he was practically whispering, but his tone was hard, “if he ever touches you again, whether he leaves bruises or not, whether you’re with me or not, if he ever hurts you again, I will kill him.” I was half-asleep, but I knew he meant it.