Almost Mine (7 page)

‘To watch you light up like this is amazing. I just can’t swallow that you have this feeling for little old me. And again, I’m not fishing for anything. I just genuinely don’t get it.’

‘All of the many extraordinary wonders of the world deserve no explanation; we just appreciate them for what they are and we take awe in their existence.’

‘Ok Mr Love Extraordinaire of Shady Valley,’ I laughed, ‘tell me this: do you think that it has to be an instant connection for it to be “true love”?’

‘Great question, Peasant of Shady Valley,’ he grinned, ‘some great things are instant, but some things need nurture to grow. To make a sweet wine takes time and patience. Without it, a very bitter taste can be left in your mouth.’

I sobered a touch. ‘Will that happen to us? Will we leave a bitter taste?’

‘Not if I can help it.’

We sat pensive for a few moments as our jovial to and fro dissipated and we each remembered why we were here.

‘Are you sure that you’re ok?’ Nick asked.

‘You make everything ok.’

His arm went around me and he pulled me close and kissed the crown of my head. ‘I should have come with you to see the doctor, I’m so sorry. I won’t ever let you down again, angel.’

‘There’s nothing you could have done. I’m fine…physically. Apparently there was no explainable reason why this has happened, which, they tell me, is good news.’

‘A silver lining on a very grey cloud,’ he murmured into my hair. ‘I can’t make this ok, but I will always try my absolute best to make sure that you’re safe and loved,
like you deserve
,’ he emphasised the last part.

‘I don’t doubt you for a second. Our lives are laid at our feet, all we need to do now is to grab on and enjoy the ride.’

The wedding itself took on an impression of a couple in love, a perfect representation of what a wedding day should embody. The white marquee had been erected beside the old work shed that held many memories for Nick and me. The left side of the marquee had been pulled open so that the guests could enjoy a twinkling, charming view of our beloved — though now completely skeletal thanks to the winter for stealing the fragrant blooms — cherry blossoms that were now made stunning by way of strategically placed fairy lights among the delicate branches. The sprawling vineyard was beyond that and made for a sight in its own right as the fittingly perfect full moon lit the way, guiding guests on wistful strolls around the property, flutes filled with Cristal held lazily in hand.

Inside the marquee, tables finished with silver and white place settings were set to the right of the mahogany dance floor. I had selected the centre-pieces myself weeks ago, thankfully, because if I’d had to make the final arrangements this week the fish bowl displays would have entailed shrivelled black roses to resemble my heart, not the yellow and pink roses that resembled the hope and joy that I’d felt back then. Pre-set favourites from our music collection, namely James Morrison, Duffy and Michael Bublé crooned over the sound system provided by the DJ.

So, to the less-than-knowing eye, it was a perfect wedding day.

However, I felt like a ghost, an apparition of my human self, as if I was viewing the vows, the kisses, and the speeches that were made today from a detached position above the small gathering. I’d tried my hardest, but the pain from the miscarriage only five days earlier had solidified my insides. So, the best solution was to go through the motions with as much bravery as I could muster, with squared shoulders and a strained smile. Nick remained steadfast by my side, only separating from me for a congratulatory hand shake or hug, and spoke for me when I couldn’t find the words, or when he recognised the threatening waterfall of tears in my eyes. Though my mouth spoke words of joy and happiness, my heart told a very different story. I wanted to be happy, for Nick; he was my saviour, but a genuinely joyous smile just could not be conjured.

It wasn’t until the sublime dinner of chicken cordon-bleu and asparagus had been served and eaten — or, in my case, aimlessly scooted around my plate with my fork — and the bridle waltz had been announced by Nick’s eldest brother, Angus, our emcee, when I found my lips being all of a sudden pulled up at the corners in awe of my new husband.

I watched him as he downed the last of his flute of Cristal, eyeing me mischievously as I awaited him in the centre of the makeshift dance floor. I poised myself to be swept into his arms, expecting
“At Last”
by Etta James — the song that we had short-listed a few weeks back despite the fact that I was not highly fond of it; a beautiful song, without a doubt, but our wedding was staged enough without adding a cliché to the mix. In my stupor of the last few days, I really didn’t care what noise played or that my Maggie Sottero veil — an unexpected gift from Lucy — would not be delivered on time, or that our flower girl’s flowers were not the same shade of pink as the centrepieces. All I cared about was the fact that I’d lost the one thing that was going to bring me the most intense, unconditional love of my life. My baby was gone, and it took with it my will to breathe.

Our guests clapped and cooed in anticipation as Nick stood behind his chair and shrugged off his caramel coloured jacket. All the while his eyes remained fixed on mine as I
waited for him, and I was taken aback by my deep reaction to his adoring gaze as my centre of gravity moved beneath me. He was dazzling, and he would only ever be mine.

Nausea and guilt grew inside me as my nerves suddenly went into overdrive. What if I could never satisfy him? What if I could never repay him the priceless gift that he had committed himself to give to me? Was I culpable of stealing any chance that he had of having a wife who loved him back as much as he loved me?

I swallowed hard as he grinned at me, loosening his matching caramel tie and unclasping the top button on his white shirt; immediately he was the epitome of relaxation. He mouthed the word
breathe
, and because my head whirred with such a mammoth responsibility, I did; it was that or faint in a crumpled satin heap on the floor. I dragged in a deep lungful of mountain air and my body calmed fractionally.

I waited for an eternity for him to get to me while Nick had a quiet word with the DJ, and when he finally did, the gathering crowd clapped and cheered excitedly. They obviously had no conceivable idea that I would rather crawl into a hole and die than to put on a public display of affection, even if it was with my new husband and it was expected of me. But, despite my continuing stupor and unsettling nausea, an enthralled laugh escaped my throat as Nick came to stand in front of me; his air of unbridled confidence in my presence was a foreign sight to me, but here on the dance floor on our wedding day, he was positively buoyant with delight.

‘You’re really happy, aren’t you?’ I asked him as I observed every part of his face, mesmerised by what the emotion looked like on the outside, from his easy smile to his brows that were not at all crinkled like mine always seemed to be.

‘“Happy” seems tremendously understated I think.’ My nerves grew all at once wilder under the surface of my skin and my eyes widened. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ he asked, as a hint of a smirk pulled on his lips as if they were gating a secret behind them.

I could hardly breathe let alone answer him. ‘Like what?’ I managed.

‘As if I’m about to lure you into the fires of hell.’

‘How do I know that you won’t?’

He wrapped an arm around my waist and held my hand out to our side with the other, taking the pose that would begin a traditional waltz. He pulled me securely against him. ‘You know me better than that. Now, it’s about time that we get a little loose, don’t you think?

‘Nick,’ I warned, though all over my body my skin prickled with anticipation of what he had planned.

‘Do you trust me?’

‘You’re up to something,’ I accused.

‘You didn’t answer my question.’

‘I trust you, but—’

He shook his head dismissively. ‘No buts. It’s a yes or no question, angel.’

‘Yes. I trust you.’

‘That’s my girl.’

His amusement grew as the first beats of James Morrison’s
“Beautiful Life”
played instead of Etta.

‘Do you remember my vows to you?’ I silently nodded. ‘Just put one foot in front of the other. I will take care of everything else.’

I was swept away, first by the amazingly fitting lyrics of the song, and then by my husband who always knew how to counteract my low moods. Clearly, he knew what he was doing on the dance floor as well. I never knew that I had so much rhythm and that dancing like this, one on one, instead of in a mosh pit of sweaty drug addicts, could be so much fun — dare I say it? I was actually having fun on my marriage-of-convenience wedding day. His hips moved against mine and he held me close, taking care not to show expectation of anything else except to have this first dance, this first closeness as husband and wife. He moved close enough against me to display that he couldn’t be more than an inch away from me, but not close enough, sexually expectant enough, to place any pressure on me to conform to what a traditional wedding night should bring. I just felt cared for, respected and secure, as he took charge. There was another word that I felt, and as I looked up into his face and he planted a soft kiss on my mouth, I realised what it was. I felt cherished: as if I truly were his treasure and that he would hold me and protect me as if I were a rarity. His words were put into actions, and now I was beginning to believe that maybe I did deserve this; with every kiss he was showing me that I deserved what he had to give…but I wasn’t used to this, and the responsibility of being married to Nick still categorically overwhelmed me.

‘You’re my one and only, angel.’

My heart thawed ever so slightly.

‘Have you been taking lessons?’ I asked as I became a little out of breath as he effortlessly swept around the dance floor.

‘Nope,’ he grinned widely, and then he buried his face in my neck so that he could breathe me in. His lips brushed against my bare shoulder and I turned pink as I became aware of the clucking crowd. ‘I’m a natural. You have a lot to look forward to, Mrs Mathieson.’

I allowed myself to be moved to the music in the arms of my new husband, trying on the feeling of happiness to see if it fit. But, as I remembered things of the past, I knew that it would take more time, and a lot more gestures to forget everything; not just a lovely song in the arms of an immeasurably lovely man.

I eyed him curiously as the song played. ‘Have you always been this romantic?’

‘I’ve never had a reason to be. It’s a pretty deserving notion, isn’t it? To love someone so much that you want to show them in every way possible. You have to know that no one has ever come close to how I feel about you, surely.’

I laughed with scepticism. ‘Not even one of the giddy groupies at school who followed you around as if you were Robert Pattinson?’

His skin reddened slightly and I didn’t know whether it was because he was self-conscious about the flock of admirers or because of what he said next. ‘None of them were you.’

‘Lucy and I were going to join the club for a laugh, you know, just to set them straight about how boring you really were and that you fart in your sleep.’

He laughed out loud.

‘Having a nice time then?’ Angus called from the bridle table as we danced close to it.

‘Have you met my breathtaking wife?’ was Nick’s answer. ‘How could I not be the happiest man in the world?’ To me when we started another lap he murmured close to my ear, ‘If you had joined the club I would have had no other choice but to woo a member of it.’

Now it was my turn to blush. ‘If I had come to my senses about you sooner I could have lived a very different life, couldn’t I?’

Nick lifted his arm above my head and I twirled around. ‘What is it they say about keeping history in the past?’ he said when I was in his arms again.

‘I think you just said it.’

‘Let’s do that.’

Nick held me against him and then dipped me low. ‘I promise you a beautiful life, angel,’ he murmured. He pulled me against him with one hand and gently grasped my jaw with the other and kissed me, unperturbed by the hundreds of eyes on us. He kissed me as if we were alone under the blossoms, as if we were in his bed after I’d run to him months ago, and the growing crowd ooohed and ahhhed as the fluttering of the shutter on Lucy’s camera distinctly sounded, capturing his lips on mine, relishing the taste of promise. ‘You are worthy of all things beautiful, Cate, I will give you the moon and everything that surrounds it. You can count on it.’ He kissed me again, the slow licks of his tongue causing a deep tugging reaction inside me, and slowly I felt the world around me become clear; I believed his reverence, and the ice fractionally broke away and my heart began to beat again. I did trust him, irrevocably. He’d make everything ok, just like he always did.

A heart beat expanded in my chest and I finally felt alive again and I lifted myself onto my toes and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, kissing him while our guests cheered and wolf whistled.

‘There is just one more thing that I need from you,’ Nick said as the song began to fade, being replaced by Michael Bublé. Finally, by this point our guests had merged onto the dance floor to join us so I no longer felt like I was in a zoo being gawked at. Lucy approached from our left and opened her mouth to speak but Nick shook his head, putting a prompt stop to her attempt to separate us. If Nick’s request a second ago hadn’t sent uneasiness through me I would have at last felt relaxed as he chose me over everyone else waiting for their turn to dance with the happy couple. Over the past few hours of becoming his wife I thought that I had already fulfilled his expectations.

‘What is it?’ I said with trepidation.

‘Here it goes.’ He maintained the posture of a man of confidence, but his words contradicted him. ‘Before we begin the rest of our lives together, I need you to tell me one thing. If, on days that I find myself a little less than assured…give me something to remember so that I know that we have done the right thing here today.’