Almost Mine (10 page)

After showering, I set off for the winery to meet Nick with a flask of chicken and vegetable soup, intent on distracting myself. It was bitterly cold, so I wrapped my wool jacket around my body as I found him in the vineyard.

I watched him with pride while he worked, and, from my unseen position, I wondered again what was holding me back from this man. My brows furrowed and my teeth ground with frustration as Nick stacked and sorted barrels of over-ripened grapes. I could make out his flexing muscles even under the heavy shirt he was wearing.

Since building the homestead and working hard to bring the winery into its own, Nick’s body had also built up. His broad shoulders carried so much weight, so, of course, they had hardened, along with his arms, his stomach and his back that I trailed my fingers along almost daily…nightly…whenever I wanted to try and create a baby.
Love him
I willed myself, begging my stubborn heart as I closed my eyes.

Love this extraordinary man who would give me the moon and every tiny star surrounding it.

My eyes still lay dreamily closed as I remembered things about Nick that were not at all unlovable. He’d whisper to me. Just when he thought that I was asleep, he’d whisper everything that he wasn’t brave enough to say while I was awake. Things about how much he loved me, about how he was breathless at the thought of being blessed just to have this one chance at a life with me, and it would break my heart as I would lay in our bed attempting to keep my breath steady while he’d tell my how he knew that eventually I’d come to my senses about my rash decision to marry him back then.

Stop holding back,
I whispered to myself,
why won’t you just let go and love this man who would give you the moon…
I sucked in a sudden sharp breath as my eyes flung open to the startling sound of a snapping twig and I saw who was standing in front of me. Nick smiled as he came to stand with me.

‘I would, you know,’ he smiled wider. I cleared my throat, straightening myself.

‘You’d what?’ My voice croaked anyway. Nick watched me and his amusement faded slightly when he recognised the glaze, the thin layer of protection that covered the truth within me. He didn’t answer, but watched for any sign of weakening, a chink in my armour.

My lips pursed together.

His smile faded altogether. ‘We’ve been married a while now, Cate. Why do you still do that?’

‘Do what?’

‘Edit yourself with me.’

‘I was just having a private moment. Anyway, I don’t edit.’

He sighed heavily. ‘Of course you do. Don’t hide from me. I’m your husband, your best friend, not somebody to conceal yourself from. If you want to love me so much, why don’t you get out of your own head and do something about it? But, just out of curiosity, what
is
holding you back?’

I glared at him as if I’d just caught him reading my private journal. He raised his eyebrows daringly at me and glared back.

‘Or do I already know?’

I hesitated and scrambled for a different excuse, but I understood that he did already know.

‘I hate myself for it,’ I said in a small voice.

‘The heart wants what the heart wants, Cate, or more to the point, who the heart wants.’

‘I hate myself for it,’ I repeated as my head suddenly felt like lead and it hung with guilt.

‘I’m sure you’ll work it all out.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Hey, I didn’t mean to...’ He lifted my chin with his finger, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get impatient with you. I knew what I was getting myself into.’

‘I’m the one who should be sorry. I just thought that I was all grown up and knew all about love and that I knew exactly how it should feel. But I’ve only known one kind of love, and I’m sorry beyond belief if this hurts, but I just don’t know if I’m capable of giving you the love that you give me. It all seems too much; to give everything to someone. What if they take it all and…and…’ I faltered.

He pulled me into his arms, holding me as tight as he could without squeezing my breath out of me. ‘I’m not your mother. I can understand that it must be easier to love someone like Roy; he doesn’t expect anything from you and you don’t really expect anything real from him. It’s the broken promises that you’re terrified of, isn’t it?’

I nodded against his chest.

‘I’m not going anywhere, Cate. And I’ll tell you that as many times as you need to hear it.’ He pulled back and held my wet face in my hands. ‘I love you, and I’m just as scared as you are.’ He kissed me. ‘I love you, so much.’

‘We are our own worst enemy.’

He kissed my once more and then gestured for us to sit. ‘Come on, let’s take a load off. Drag in a breath of fresh air and start this lovely impromptu visit over.’

Eucalypt filled our nostrils and calmed us.

‘Is that for me?’ Nick gestured toward the flask. I handed it to him and he took a couple of short, tentative sips. ‘Deliciously hot, thank you.’

We sat for a few moments in the quiet of our shady surroundings and looked out at our sprawling livelihood. Nick sipped his soup and I cleared my mind of my inappropriate thoughts of another man. There was a more pressing job at hand.

‘I think we should go on a holiday. Maybe to somewhere warmer than here,’ I proffered as I leaned back on the worn post and rail fence. Nick seemed to ponder this idea, taking another sip as he relaxed next to me. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think that’s a great idea, but we’re about to start replanting so it’s not the most ideal time for us to be away.’

‘I know, but when would be a good time? Because I think it would benefit us to relax our bodies, you know, rejuvenate.’

‘I agree, but I can’t get away for a while. I’m run off my feet. It’s getting to the point that I may need to hire a few more hands.’ We were quiet as I searched for a solution. Now that I’d set my mind to this I’d decided that I wouldn’t be defeated. ‘Maybe you should take a break with Lucy,’ Nick suggested.

‘With Lucy? I’m not sure she’d be up for that.’

‘Why?’

‘You’ve not noticed? And here I was thinking that I was the only stunted one when it came to matters of the heart.’

He was either dumbfounded or very good at disregarding the increasingly palpable attraction that his friend felt for him. One expression that was decipherable on his face was his astute refusal to never allow anything to get in the way of my happiness. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

‘You are my one and only,’ he murmured against my lips before straightening. ‘And you have no idea how much I would love to sweep you away for a while, and I’d prefer if you took someone with you. My mum —’

‘Fine. I’ll ask Lucy.’ Be damned if I was going to leave Lucy to Nick for a week. ‘But this isn’t what I had in mind, Nicholas. I said
we
need a break, not
I
need a break,’ I reminded him.

‘I know, but it would be good for
us
to have a break.’

‘Do you need a break from me?’ I said in a hurry.

Nick leaned in and nuzzled my neck. ‘Never, but we should shake off this rut we’re in. Take a break with Lucy and then you can come back to me refreshed and ready for round two,’ he breathed his warm breath on my neck.

‘Round two?’ I scoffed and I felt Nick’s calming arms around me.

‘Ok, round one million and two,’ he amended, ‘just come back ready for me.’

‘I wish I didn’t have to go without you. How will being apart help me to have a baby?’

Nick let me go and straightened himself once more. ‘I guess it won’t in the short term, but I’m sure the sacrifice will pay off for you in the long run.’

I eyed him curiously. ‘Are you annoyed with me?’

He let out a short laugh but I detected no humour. ‘Why would I be?’

‘I thought you wanted a baby.’

‘I do. I just thought that after two years with me, a baby would not be your only priority.’

‘Nick —’ I began, but didn’t have a chance to finish. He stood and made his way back to his work.

Would this guilt always eat at me like this?

An hour later he found me in the kitchen as I began clearing away the breakfast dishes. On the breakfast bar was my calendar, my journal and my self-help book that was tattered and turned up at the edges just like someone’s oldest, most loved novel ought to
be. Nick eyed my paperwork before settling himself on the stool furthest away from it. I still busied myself with the cleaning.

‘You should go, Cate. Take a break,’ he told me as he placed his hands firmly flat on the counter. I stopped fussing and wiped my soapy hands on a towel.

‘What would be the point?’ I leaned back on the sink. He reached across to the fertility book.

‘This is the point.’ He reached across for the rest. ‘All of this is the point.’

‘That is helping us, Nick,’ I maintained as I stubbornly crossed my arms.

‘Is it really?’

‘Yes.’

Nick raised an eyebrow but I held my ground. Instead of arguing with me about this, which even to the less educated was obviously pointless, Nick stood and met me where I had turned back to the soapy water.

‘I’m sorry, Nick, but I don’t know how to be unselfish about this,’ I said as he came to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. ‘I can’t just give up.’

‘I never asked you to give up. Surely those books tell you that if you force it that it makes conception less likely.’ I said nothing as he used my own information against me. Touché. ‘Am I right?’

I didn’t answer because I didn’t have to. The tears that Nick saw trickling down my cheeks were surrender enough. He held me tighter as I worked.

‘Please take a break from all of this. You need it. Just for one cycle,’ he compromised. He nuzzled into my vanilla-scented neck. ‘And then, like I said, come back to me for round two million or something.’ Finally I laughed, slightly.

‘Fine.’

‘Somewhere relaxing and preferably somewhere a good twenty degrees hotter than here,’ I answered Lucy’s question, blowing on my steaming bowl of roasted vegetable soup. ‘This cold seems to be chilling me to the bones this year. I think I’m getting old.’

‘Oh, please,’ Lucy scoffed, ‘you’re twenty-four, for goodness sake. What about the Gold Coast?’ Was it her own realisation of what she’d said or the warning look I flashed Lucy at the mention of that place?

‘Queensland, yes, but I have to say no to the Gold Coast. What about the Sunshine Coast, or Cairns?’ I flipped open a tour guide that I’d picked up at Maisy’s earlier that morning. Lucy spun it around on the table to get a better look.

‘What about Townsville? I could pick me up a brave lieutenant to commando-roll around with for a while,’ she grinned mischievously. ‘Every woman should at least once be able to full fill her fantasies. Plus, it’s in my destiny to bed a soldier…’ she trailed off. ‘But first maybe I should take my foot out of my mouth.’

‘What? I will fulfil my fantasies. The important things just take longer than others that’s all,’ I shrugged. ‘And what would I do, huh? While you’re “commando-rolling” perhaps I’ll catch a rugby game; how exciting for me.’ I soaked my tone in sarcasm. I spun the magazine back around. ‘The Sunshine Coast sounds good. I’ll get Nick to help us with the bookings and what not. This is going to be good. I just wish my overworked husband could join me but…’

‘Oh, I just love being the consolation prize,’ Lucy rolled her eyes.

‘You know what I mean. Hopefully when we get back Nick and I will have been rested sufficiently enough for round one million and two,’ I smiled to myself at his words.

‘Well let’s do this, Catey. The Sunshine Coast it is.’

‘So it’s all set then. Bribie Islanders won’t know what’s hit them once Lucy sets foot up there,’ Nick chuckled as they sat together by the open fire after dinner.

I was sitting cross-legged as I labelled bottles for the new batch of sweet red. I liked to help out as much as I could around the winery, but didn’t really know much about the process. Labelling and paperwork, however, was something that I did know about. I had made my own mark on the family’s livelihood when I took over the office duties. Albert never really had a mind for numbers; he just made delicious wine that spoke for itself while Beth had been the bill payer. When retirement came, I relished in the fact that I was able to make my own contribution.