Almost Broken (18 page)

That’s all I’ve ever really wanted. I think that’s really all anyone ever wants out of life is to be happy. What makes us happy? Well, that’s different for everyone. For some of us it’s money, others it’s fame, some need a child, while others find satisfaction in their careers. In the end, we’re all searching for what will make us sleep well at night, give us peace even when everything isn’t perfect. When I was younger, I dreamed about some of those things. Who doesn’t want to be rich or famous until you realize all the problems that come with it?

I never realized the problems that would come with Cal. Now when I look at Chris, I wonder if he’s happy. I can’t tell. The more I get to know Chris, the harder he is to read. At first, I thought he was an open book, but that makes no sense at all. He’s far more complicated than he appears. His turmoil and frustration has a name, and a life of its own.

The more time I spend with Chris, the more I genuinely start to like him and not just because he looks like Cal and sounds like him, which is what I thought it was originally. I actually like the person he is, the one I’m getting to know. When I was with Cal I always saw something kind and warm in him—when he’d let me in, that is. I’m starting to think that was Chris. I want to let my guard down with him, I really do, but I’m afraid. It sounds silly and childish, but being in love with Cal seems so much different than letting myself have feelings for Chris. As wild and unpredictable as Cal was, I knew Cal. At least I thought I did. I was comfortable in the whirlwind that was our life together. Chris is a totally different story. Falling for him is dangerous, and pursuing him comes with a whole lot of risk. Rejection from him is more than that because if he can’t love me or want to there’s no hope for Cal and
I, they’re one in the same.

Sometimes I’ll catch him looking at me in a way that makes me think he could feel something for me, but I think he doesn’t want to. He wants to be my friend, and the thought makes me cringe. I can’t ever
really
be his friend. How can you be friends with someone you want to love you? How do you pretend your feelings don’t exist or matter? I’m not that strong. If it turns out that Cal never comes back and he’s floating in some type of mental prison…How can Chris let me in if he shuts Cal out? If he can’t ever let me in, I will be cordial, I will be friendly, I will be the best co-parent I can, but I cannot be his friend, at least not now.

By the time I leave, I’ll know if Chris will let me in. That’s our timetable. I’m going to do my best to keep my armor on and my guard up while trying to get as close as I can. It’s scary, terrifying really, but it’s a risk I have to take. That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s what my heart is telling me, at least. My mind is telling me to move the fuck on and fast. My heart and mind have never agreed on anything, but it seem like what used to be frequent bickering has become a full on battle since my arrival here.

I look over at the clock. It’s 5:30am, but in Chicago it’d be 6:30 am. I already smell the breakfast Mrs. Scott is cooking up. Caylen’s still sleeping and will be for at least another hour. It usually gives me enough time to eat breakfast and shower. I slip on my robe and grab my toothbrush to freshen up. Mrs. Scott told me I can leave one in the extra holder space, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that so I go back and forth with it.

I open my door and head towards the bathroom but stop when I hear hushed whispering. I peep in the living room and see Jenna and Mr. Scott talking. I start to turn around and go back to my room but something tells me to stay right where I am.

“He said that to you last night?” Mr. Scott asks, his tone quiet and concerned.

“Chris has never talked to me that way,” Jenna says her tone louder than Mr. Scott’s. “I was worried this would happen with Lauren staying here,” he says bitterly, and I feel my heart speed up. What happened?

“I can’t say for sure that he’s Cal because I’ve never encountered him, but from the way you described him…Chris isn’t like who he was yesterday,” she says, and my heart is now beating a thousand miles a minute.

“If Cal is back the one good thing is that Lauren is here,” he says timidly. “He won’t leave with her here. I’ll have to talk to her,” he continues, and I tiptoe back to my room and close the door. My thoughts are all over the place. Cal can’t be back. He wouldn’t be back and not come to me. What the hell is going on, and what would Mr. Scott have to say to me if he is? I’m not going to talk to him, and if Cal is back why the hell would he go to Jenna’s house?

I feel so many different emotions right now, anxious, overwhelmed angry and… well no, no I won’t let myself be excited. I’m not able to think long before there’s a knock at the door. I try to fix my demeanor and calm my racing heart down. They don’t even know if Cal is here. He knocks again. I know
it’s Mr. Scott. I crack the door so that he can barely see in.

“Good morning,” I say faking a yawn.

He nods, a grimace still on his face. “Good morning,” he replies, and there’s an awkward pause.

“Is everything okay?” I ask him quickly.

“I was hoping I could speak with you,” he says, trying to change his tone from disdainful to pleasant.

His attempt is lousy.

“Now?”

“If that’s not a problem,” he says, a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

“Well, Caylen’s asleep now,” I reply.

“Gwen has started breakfast. She ran upstairs for a bit. Can we talk when she’s back down?” he asks, and I let out a little sigh.

I don’t want to talk to Mr. Scott, especially about Cal. I don’t want to talk to him about anything. I don’t even know why he’d want to talk to me. He’s barely said ten words to me since I’ve arrived. I’d feel better if Mrs. Scott was involved, but it would be rude if I say no while I’m a guest in their home.

“Is it important?”

“Yes,” he answers immediately, and I nod.

“Sure,” I say shortly.

“Thank you,” he says, leaving my doorway. I know one thing, Jenna better be gone. They’ve both lost their minds if they think I’m talking to the both of
them
about Cal. That’d be like jumping in a shark tank with raw fish taped to my back. I wait a second before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth and throw water on my face. Why does he want to talk to me all of a sudden, why hasn’t he talked to Chris…If he is Cal, I’m sure he doesn’t want—correction, he’s not going to talk to him—but if he was Cal, he wouldn’t hide it. He has absolutely no reason to now. I take a deep breath and head out and see Mrs. Scott coming down the stairs.

“Morning, Lauren,” she says cheerfully. She doesn’t have a care in the world right now. No sign of worry or anxiety on her face, unlike Mr. Scott’s.

“Good Morning,” I reply.

“Is Caylen up yet?” she asks, heading towards the room. She gestures to it before going in, a wide smile on her face. She still looks like a kid on Christmas morning when she talks about Caylen.

“I don’t think so. You can look in on her, though.” As she enters the room, I follow her.

“She’s such a little angel,” she says to me as she looks over her. Her excitement is barely contained. “But don’t worry, I’ll let her sleep,” she finishes. “How you are this morning, want some coffee or tea?” she asks as we leave the room together.

“No I’m fine,” I say, following her. Once we reach the kitchen, Mr. Scott is nowhere in sight. Judging by her cheerful mood, Mrs. Scott must have no idea what is going on. “They’re having a children’s reading hour down at the library today—Dr. Seuss, fairytales, that sort of thing. Would you mind if I took
Caylen?” she asks tentatively. It only takes me a second to think about it. Mrs. Scott absolutely adores Caylen, and I feel pretty safe with leaving the two of them alone together.

“Sure,” I reply with a smile.

“Great! It’ll only be an hour and a half, and we’ll come straight back,” she assures me as she checks on something in the oven. It smells delicious. Mr. Scott comes back in the house through the kitchen entrance and kisses Mrs. Scott on the cheek.

“Honey,” she replies sweetly. He gives her a smile that makes me remember he’s not a mean bastard to everyone, just me…and Cal, apparently.

“Lauren, could you step outside with me for a moment?” he asks. Mrs. Scott looks at him oddly. This is the first time he’s spoken to me directly since I’ve been here.

“Is everything okay, William?” She asks a little suspiciously.

“Everything’s fine. Lauren’s been here a little while, and she and I haven’t really had a chance to get to know one another. I thought I’d show her around the farm,” he reassures his wife. She glances back at me, and I muster up as much of a smile as I can.

“I’ll go get a jacket,” I say, turning to leave the room. I didn’t know he was going to want to talk to me by myself. I assumed he was waiting on Mrs. Scott. I peak over at
Caylen
, who’s still sleeping and grab my jacket. As I approach the kitchen, I can hear Mrs. Scott saying something to him. I’m not quite sure what. She stops as soon as I approach.

“Shall we, Lauren?” He opens the door for me to step out. I try to act as if I’m not about to walk into the lion’s den. Depending on how this conversation goes this may very well be the last day I stay in this house because if he says anything inappropriate or disrespectful to me, I’m letting him have it. I smile at Mrs. Scott before leaving, and she gives me a nervous smile.

There’s an awkward tension in the air as Mr. Scott walks behind me. Once we’re off the porch I begin to wonder where we’re going. My eyes quickly skim the lot. No extra cars, so that means Jenna is gone. Chris’ car is gone too. If he picked up an early class that would make sense, nothing really out of the ordinary.

“So are you really giving me a tour or do you want to talk to me about Cal?” I ask him. He stops walking and lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Let’s head over here,” he says, pointing to the horse yard before answering my question. We start to walk towards it, the tension mounting with each step. When we reach the gate, he turns towards me and chuckles.

“I take it you heard Jenna and me talking this morning,” he asks and I nod.

“How much did you hear?” he asks

“Enough to know you think Cal is back.”

“I don’t think Cal is back. Jenna does, and she’s not entirely sure,” he says, letting out a shallow breath.

“I think if Cal was back that all of you would be gone by now,” he states boldly. I shake my head. I don’t really know what this man thinks of me, but it can’t be much for him to believe that if Cal resurfaced, I’d take off with him no questions asked, knowing about his condition. I feel my eyes roll.

“I told Gwen and Chris that I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here,” he says.

Well that’s the news of the century.

“Ever since you showed up on this doorstep everything that was in place that was good for our family has started to unravel.” He’s speaking to me, but not bothering to look in my direction.

“That’s because you chose to let your son live a lie,” I interject.

“I want what’s best for my son,” he says, now turning his attention to me.

“I think you want what’s best for
yourself,”
I state plainly and he laughs, as if I’m joking.

“Cal coming back, existing, resurfacing whatever you want to call it, will destroy our family.” I’ve heard all of this before. Mr. Scott considers Cal the anti-Christ.

“That might not matter to you, but eventually, he will destroy
your
family,” he says, stepping towards me. I keep my eyes on his. I want him to know his little speech only serves to piss me off. His words don’t affect me, scare me, or intimidate me.

“You do understand in that in order for Chris to be well, he and Cal have to integrate. There is a reason he exists, and he’s not going away!” I say boldly even though I’m not entirely sure myself.

Mr. Scott scoffs. “Cal won’t integrate, he wants to take over! I’d have thought you could have figured that out. You were married to him after all! That’s the real problem. He’s Christopher’s rage, his impulsiveness, his bitterness and anger,” he states with derision.

I shake my head furiously “That’s not all Cal is!” I spit back.

“Oh, little girl, wake up! The goodness that you saw in Cal was Christopher. I thought you’d recognize that by now. If Cal comes back, it will be to take over, and the kindness and self-control he managed to exhibit, everything that was Chris will be gone! He’s going to be like a tornado, destroying everyone and everything in his path. He can’t help it, that’s his reason for existing,” he continues bitterly, and I start to think that Mr. Anti-psychology has talked with Chris’ doctor more than he has.

“How do you know what his reason for existing is? Why do you hate him so much?” The suspicion and bitterness in my tone is wildly apparent. There has to be more than what he’s saying. Why would he think Cal would destroy his family? I know Cal stepped aside for Chris to come back when his mom was sick.

“Or, maybe the better question is why does Cal hate you?” I ask him angrily, and for a moment he looks taken aback.

“Things are never black and white. Cal only see’s in black and white he doesn’t understand any grey areas,” he responds, and I look at him strangely. I didn’t expect that type of answer from him

“What is that supposed to mean?” Now I’m confused.

“If Cal’s not back, and Chris is starting to have those outbursts,” he says quickly.

“What do you mean, ‘outbursts’?” I interrupt him.

“Where he starts saying things that are completely out of character,” he says, talking over me.

“Just because he said something that might have pissed Jenna off doesn’t mean it’s Cal,” I say, laughing at the ridiculousness of their hypothesis.

“If
he’s still Chris. I think it would be best for you to go stay at the Ritter Inn. I’ll pay for it,” he says, his tone a little less sharp but his words still cut. I shake my head.

“No,” I say as coldly as I can. He groans and folds his arms, as if he’s thinking for a minute. He must not be able to come up with anything to say because he begins to walk away but stops and turns back toward me.