Almost a Family (13 page)

He slumped on to the sofa. That had been the plan, but he was no closer to it now than he’d been six years ago when Molly had walked out on him.

It had been good before that. Why did she have to come back after all these years and stir up all the old memories? When she’d first arrived, their meetings had been about anger and regret. Somehow now, the anger had gone, and he was reminded of all the reasons he’d loved her to begin with. The more she was here, the more he saw glimpses of the old Molly, the girl he’d loved so much he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Seeing the devastated look in her eyes at the party, knowing she would be coming over later, had put him in the frame of mind to be nostalgic. To recall the good times, not the fights or the bad ending. He grabbed a lighter and lit a few candles around the living room, turned on the CD player and, with a long held sigh, dropped to the couch.

He swallowed. He’d loved her completely. Why had he ever thought he could put that aside with anger as his weapon? All he’d done was hide behind the anger, denying the truth and never dealing with it.

Wax was dripping lazily from the candles when he heard the door open then shut again with a quiet click. He didn’t even bother to try to hide his melancholy mood. Perhaps now she deserved to know how very deeply she’d hurt him, how much he’d loved her. Perhaps now she needed to see the real results from her walking away. Perhaps it wasn’t about who would make the first move forward, but who would make the first one to deal with the fallout of the past.

She stopped in the doorway, and he saw indecision flicker in her eyes. “What are you doing?”

He smiled up at her. “Remembering.”

She took a few more steps in. “Remembering what?”

“The way we used to love each other.”

Molly felt her heart give two solid thumps and her hands began to shake. Not now. This was going to be hard enough without him getting all sentimental on her. Someone here had to keep a clear and unemotional head. She’d been hoping it wouldn’t have to be her.

“That was a long time ago,” she chided.

But he patted the cushion beside him. “Come, sit,” he suggested gently.

Impatience and anger flared up seemingly out of nowhere. Sweet talking was
not
what she needed right now. What she needed was to stop tip-toeing around the past, stop being stupidly emotional and just
deal
.

“The people we were then thought they could have everything. We both know that life isn’t like that.” Her tone was cold and flat as she systematically started to shut down her feelings.

Molly couldn’t read his expression at her words and avoided looking into his eyes. She knew if she got caught up in the moment, she’d lose her nerve to say what she’d come to say.

“I came to tell you I’m leaving tomorrow,” Molly said abruptly.

“Tomorrow?” The hands that had been calm suddenly raked through his hair. “But you weren’t supposed to leave until Sunday.”

“Do three more days make that much difference?” She looked up at him then and put her hands in her pockets to keep from reaching out and smoothing his hair away from his face. “I got called back now. I have to go.”

“Your job? This is about work?”

She missed the threatening note in his question. Fact was, she was undeniably angry at the ultimatum her boss had delivered this afternoon. Sure, she’d been distracted while here and she hadn’t exactly kept up with her files. She knew that, but she had planned to put in extra time once she got back to Calgary, getting things in order so there’d be less fuss when she did something she never thought she’d do. Put in her notice. After all, time was all she was going to have, wasn’t it? But instead she’d gotten
the call
today, reaming her out for neglecting an important client,
demanding
she return immediately or face consequences. Hearing her boss’s voice on the phone, making demands, told her she was making the right choice in walking away. She wanted more, something better where she could be happy and make a difference. Kim was home and doing well. Jason was next door if they needed anything. Why did leaving feel so very wrong? Why did she resent it so much?

The answer came swiftly—because once again, the choice was being taken out of her hands.

“I let things slide. I have to go make things right.” She ached to tell him she’d be returning to Fredericton, but something in his closed expression held her back. She got the slippery feeling he was judging her again and making this decision had been hard enough without him weighing in on it.

To her surprise, Jason snorted. “Nice boss. Doesn’t even give you three weeks’ vacation.”

“Look,” she defended, “I told them I’d work from here. But I got behind, didn’t follow through. I have to go back to finish what I started.”

Silence. Her last sentence echoed through the room, and mingled with the soft sounds coming from the stereo. In that heavy silence, they both heard the truth—she had never been too concerned with going back and making things right before.

But she was here, now, to change that. Things needed to be said before she left. Things left far too long to fester and hurt. At least this time when she left he’d know exactly why.

“Leaving again. So do you plan on buying your sister’s and niece’s affection every now and then to salve your conscience?” His words came out in bitter staccato.

“You know that’s not what I did. You can’t buy someone’s love. I was trying to help, to make up for the times I haven’t been here. They both deserve that.”

That crease appeared between his brows again. “The Molly that arrived here three weeks ago would have thrown her money around for effect.”

She eyed him curiously. “She probably would have. But I’m not the same person I was when I arrived. Thank goodness.”

She took a step forward, stopping before she got close enough to touch him. “I didn’t say goodbye to you before, Jason, and…and I’m sorry. But I’m saying it this time.”

She perched on the arm of a chair, stared into the flickering flames of the gas fireplace. He’d known she was coming over and he’d deliberately set up the scene with candles and music. But the truth was they were not the same people they’d been. A romantic setting wouldn’t change all there was—and wasn’t—between them. Again she questioned her decision to come back here permanently. Would it be too hard with Jason as a constant reminder? Would it keep them from moving on after all? Would it be better to find a whole new place for a new beginning?

“Why didn’t you say goodbye? Why did you leave the way you did?”

The answer was easy enough, and now was the time for truth. “Because I was angry. Because I still loved you and I felt like I’d be beating my head against a brick wall trying to make you understand how I felt. And because…” Her throat closed against the threat of tears. The years they’d shared deserved the truth, however late it was in coming. “Because I was afraid you’d be able to convince me to stay.”

His gaze snapped to hers in surprise. She wished he would stop looking at her that way. He had the most beautiful, penetrating eyes of any man she’d ever known, with the uncanny ability to make her feel as if he could see right into her soul. Right now she did not want him to see that deeply inside her.

“I would have had that power?”

She took a breath. “Yeah. You would have. And I couldn’t let that happen, because I knew—I
know
—that I would have ended up hating you for it in the end.”

“I loved you.”

“I know you did. That’s why it hurt so much, don’t you see?” She rose from the chair and went to the fireplace, resting her hands on the mantle. “I knew that you loved me, and even when I felt I was right making the decision I did, I still felt I was wrong for hurting you. I couldn’t handle it, so I left. I was determined to build the life
I
wanted. To show you I’d been right.”

“But…”

She turned, tears glimmering on her lashes. “But being right cost me. I didn’t realize until lately how very much I’d given up by leaving.”

“What did you give up, Molly?” His voice came across the room huskily.

Her gaze delved deeply into his.

“Everything,” she admitted.

The room fell quiet as the music stopped, then with a whirring sound switched to the next CD. When the piano notes started, Molly’s heart leapt, constricted and cracked, and the tears on her lashes spilled on to her cheeks.

Jason stood, took agonizingly slow steps to her as the introduction ended and the vocals began to
their
song. He reached out and took her hand, saying softly, “Dance with me.”

Helpless to refuse, she curled her fingers in his and let him draw her close as their feet made tiny circles to the music. The words, which years ago had seemed so different, now seemed crafted to their own unique, twisted situation, each syllable branding a bit more pain on Molly’s already hurting heart. His body fit against hers perfectly, even after all these years. He pulled her closer, closer, so close she could feel his heart beating against her.

“Are you listening, Molly?”

She swallowed. She had no idea how many times they’d danced to this song in years past, but never had it had such a poignant meaning as now. Now it was about finding love again after years apart, of how empty life had been until they’d found each other again, the singer was begging
her
to stay. Did Jason want her still? Did he want her to stay with him, to give their love another chance?

“I’m listening,” she whispered as his hand trailed intimately down her back, sliding over her hip and making every nerve ending in her body stand to order.

“Then tell me,” he murmured, his voice soft but tight with emotion.

“I can’t,” she whispered painfully.

His lips nuzzled at her ear and she forgot the plane ticket in her purse, forgot she was supposed to be saying goodbye, and simply leaned her head back and met his lips with hers. Of all the kisses they’d shared since she’d returned, this one undid her. This one, a kiss that was a hello, a reunion, an acknowledgement. Somehow, in some way they’d both admitted that their love had never died, and this was the ultimate manifestation of those feelings. Molly couldn’t say the words; she was too afraid. But she poured all her emotions into that kiss—her regret, her sadness, her love.

The song ended but the kiss lingered, turning into a series of nips and brief contacts that trailed down her neck. “Stay,” he whispered against the column of her throat. “Stay with me tonight.”

Could she? Could she stay, knowing she would be leaving tomorrow?

It was impossible to be rational when his fingers were caressing the small of her back. “That probably wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Probably not.” He whispered the words next to her ear. “But life is full of bad ideas.”

One last chance. This would be the one and only time she’d have to touch him, love him the way she’d missed loving him.
This could be the sweet goodbye they’d missed.

Or it could break her heart.

He straightened, put a finger under her chin and lifted it until she looked him in the eyes. “I’ve asked you to stay. I want to make love to you. But the decision is yours, Molly.”

She lifted a shaky hand to his cheek, smiled a wobbly smile.

“Love me one last time, Jason.”

Chapter Nine

His eyes blazed at her words. Saying nothing, he reached out and began unfastening her blouse button by torturous button. Once he was done, he pushed it from her shoulders, his gaze lighting on her pale skin. It was as tangible as a caress. Molly’s breath shook as she exhaled, reached for his sweater and tugged at the hem.

He helped her pull it over his head, dropping it on the floor beside her blouse. Hesitantly she reached out and touched his chest—
like this?
—her fingertips asked. His palm covered her breast possessively.
Like this.

Molly moved closer, running both hands over his skin now, the warm, smooth expanse of his chest, the strong curves of his arms. She worried the waistband of his jeans with her fingernails, pulling him close. Their torsos touched, warm, magnetic, and she knew nothing in the world had ever felt as right as his skin pressed against hers.

The CD changed again, to something soft and bluesy while the firelight flickered around them, creating light and shadow. Molly touched her lips to the hollow between his shoulder and collarbone, tasting the saltiness there with the tip of her tongue, hearing the sharp intake of breath in his lungs. Her tongue slid from that hollow down to flick over his nipple, and he groaned.

Drawing her back up for a hot, open-mouthed kiss, he trailed his right hand down her back to release the clasp of her bra and blindly slid it off her arms.

It was like before but better, familiar yet new as he took her hand and led her to the fireplace. He grabbed a green throw from the sofa and laid it over the braided rug, tossing a few cushions after it. Seeing it—a nest, the place where she’d be one with him again—almost made her change her mind. But then he smiled, soft, knowing, and she knew there was nothing she wanted more than to be with him. She unfastened her jeans, slid them down over her legs and left them laying on the floor beside the rug.

“You’re more beautiful now than you were then,” he said huskily, shaking his head. “I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Things change.”

“Some things don’t.”

She padded over to him on bare feet. When had she ever been this comfortable with a man? Certainly not since she’d left
him.
She was standing in the dusky light in nothing but a pair of tiny white panties and she didn’t feel the least bit of discomfort or awkwardness. From their first time it had been like this. All she felt now was anticipation. Because she
knew.
Knew what was in store.

“You’re a bit overdressed, don’t you think?” Her voice came out as a teasing sing-song and she couldn’t hold back the sexy laugh that escaped as his eyes widened. She unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down over his lean hips, taking his briefs with them. When they were gone, she reached for him.

“The blanket,” he muttered hoarsely in her ear seconds later. “The blanket, or so help me God I’m not going to be able to stand.”

She lay down on the blanket, her hair spread on the pillows, invitation clear. When he knelt beside her, his gaze never leaving hers, she knew she was in trouble. Glorious, bone-melting trouble.

This wasn’t one last time, not for her. She loved him again, heart and soul. Tomorrow was going to break her heart, but tonight…tonight would be the parting memory she’d take with her. Something much more beautiful than the bitter words six years ago. A celebration of the love they’d once shared.

His fingers slid along the inside of her thigh and she quivered. “Touch me,” she whispered, moaning when he answered her command.

His lips covered hers, swallowing her groan. When she thought she couldn’t possibly go another moment without breath, he pulled away and dropped kisses on her neck, her collarbone, her breasts. He pulled a taut nipple into his mouth and she arched, her body a perfect bow. Between his hands and his lips right now she was a quivering pool of sensations, all of her senses attuned to him. The way he smelled. The way his skin rubbed against hers. The sound of his breathing, heavy and aroused. The contrast of his dark hair against the creamy skin of her breasts. How could she possibly have forgotten how good this was?

Pulling away, he inched her panties down her legs until they were gone. When he covered her body with his she lost all perspective and guided him inside her, arching to meet him.

The sound of their breathing mingled with the music, pulsing through her like a throbbing heartbeat. Molly’s eyes stung with unshed tears as she realized she didn’t want this to be an end. She wanted a beginning. She loved him more now, if that were possible, and felt helpless to tell him. She would try in every way to show him, right now.

She put her hands on his hips, slowing the movements, drawing them out. “Love me,” she whispered, sliding a fingernail over the curve of his hip.

He stilled. She felt their contact, their link, as if everything in their bodies was centered on that one perfect point of union. When she thought she couldn’t possibly bear it any more, he whispered in her ear.

“I do.” And he started moving again, taking her up, up, and she met his hips equally, watching the glow of the flames flicker over his skin, seeing them dance in his eyes.

“Like this?” he murmured, twisting his hips and making her cry out.

“Mmmmmm,” was all she could manage, trying desperately to maintain the fragile thread of control.

His voice became a growl. “Like
this,
” he confirmed, twisting again and she gave up, gripping his shoulders with her fingers while she shattered beneath him.

He held on, took her over and followed with a final thrust so powerful it slid the rug six inches up the hardwood floor.

Molly turned her head towards the fire so Jason wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. She’d done this to feel whole again. To remember and take with her the sweet memory of loving Jason Elliot. Instead she felt only the emptiness of defeat. She had to leave tomorrow. But the simple fact was Jason wasn’t trying to convince her to stay. He was accepting her leaving and not even fighting for her. He was doing what she’d thought she wanted—letting her go.

He curled up behind her, covering her thigh with his, warming her skin now that the heated blood-rush of lovemaking was waning. Molly knew that to say anything at all would betray her emotions. She remained quiet, listening to his breathing at her shoulder.

Warmed by the fire, she fell asleep there. And woke an hour later.

She’d been asleep in Jason’s arms. Three weeks ago if she’d been told that she’d be sleeping with Jason again, she would have said, “Not in this lifetime!” But here she was, in a bigger mess than she’d been before.

Nothing had changed. She was still leaving; it was still over. What they’d shared had been nothing more than a beautiful goodbye.

Molly closed her eyes, taking a few moments to imprint the feeling of being in his arms on her heart. She slid out from their warmth, retrieved her underwear. As she dressed, she watched him sleep—his lips relaxed, his eyelashes on his cheeks. The beautiful form of him on the blanket. He had been hers. Tonight she had been reminded of all she’d thrown away… All it would have taken even all those years ago was for him to compromise, just a little. To let go of all the
plans
and just let them
be
. But he hadn’t. And he wouldn’t. So she buttoned her blouse and prepared to leave.

“Going somewhere?”

The husky note in his voice stopped her at the door to the living room. She answered without looking at him.

“I should get back to Kim’s. I haven’t finished packing, and my flight leaves early.”

“At least look at me, Mol.”

She heard rather than saw him rise up to sitting on the blanket behind her, and felt his stare burrowing into the back of her head. She closed her eyes against the knowledge that what she’d said had sounded cold.

She turned, slowly, met his gaze.

“I don’t want you to go yet,” he said.

She sighed. She couldn’t let herself feel hope at his words. She’d been broken enough over him before. But hope…hope always ended badly. Something always happened to disappoint and then all that was left was to pick up the pieces.

“We’re only prolonging the inevitable. My flight does leave tomorrow; we can’t pretend that it doesn’t.”

Jason crossed his arms over his knees. “That doesn’t mean you have to be on it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stay.”

She waited, willing him with all her heart to say the
right
words this time.

“Stay with me tonight, Molly. Come to my bed, make love to me again. Let me change your mind.”

Molly froze.

Let me change your mind.
Those words echoed through her, stretching back six long, lonely years. This had been her greatest fear. And now, in the aftermath of their lovemaking, he had the power to do it all again.

He couldn’t realize that those had been the exact words he’d used that June morning. As if somehow she’d come around to the way he wanted things.

“Don’t. Don’t do this to me again.”

The line between his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “What exactly just happened? What am I doing again?”

He rose, grabbed his pants and pulled them on, leaving them unbuttoned.

Panic threaded through her. “Persuasion, that’s what!” She took another two steps backward, putting distance between them. “What’s your plan this time, Jason? Make love to me until I’m a puddle of goo, and then mold me to fit all your plans?”

“What in the world are you talking about?” His arm swept wide. “We were dancing! Kissing! We made love, and don’t say you didn’t feel it too because I was there! I’m asking you to stay this time! How much clearer can it be?”

“That’s the problem. It’s crystal clear!” Oh, why couldn’t he have just remained asleep then, so they didn’t end everything with an argument?

Jason heaved a sigh. “You were going along just fine, to my recollection,” he snapped back.

Her chin flattened. “That’s a low blow.”

“I’m a little frustrated here. All of a sudden I’m under attack and I’m not sure why.”

“So what happens after tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.”

She laughed bitterly. “Sure you do, Jason. Just say it. What’s the plan?”

His eyes darkened, wary. He couldn’t escape the thought that he was somehow walking into a trap. But he couldn’t put his finger on it. She was right, he did have a plan. He’d been thinking about their situation a lot lately, so of course he’d come up with a scenario or two.

“Well, since you’re job’s already on the line, you could quit before they have the chance to fire you…and stay here. Kim and Sara would love having you around more. We could take the time to see where this is going… I never stopped loving you Molly, you know that.”

“And then?”

Her voice was dangerously low and his lips thinned in response. She could tell he sensed the trap she was setting but wasn’t sure where it was. His response had been so close to her own plans it was eerie…and terrifying. Yet he still couldn’t see what it was she needed from him.

“And then I suppose our relationship will go to the next level. I never told you this but I kept the…”

“Stop. Right. There.”

He stopped at her dire command.

“You don’t get it, do you?” She smoothed down her blouse and jeans, trying to wipe away any sense of the seduction she’d felt while in his arms. “Don’t you see what you’re doing? You’re making me fit the mold of what
you
want.
Again.
Who would be making all the sacrifices here, Jason? Certainly not you. Your life will remain exactly as you’ve ordered it while mine gets turned topsy-turvy. You see what works for you and expect everyone else to see that too, and order their lives around yours.”

“But you already said there are no ties back in Calgary.”

“So what? It’s my life. It might not be perfect, but it’s what I’ve built for myself. Why is it any less important than yours?”  She was defending a life that didn’t really even exist anymore. But Jason had to understand. He knew nothing of her longing to reconnect with her sister and to start a new job, make a difference. And right now that wasn’t the point at all.

He squared off now, growing angrier. “What is the big issue here? You know you want to be closer to Kim and Sara. You still have feelings for me; don’t deny it. What is it that’s holding you back?”

She stared into his eyes, and said with no ambiguity at all, “You.”

His mouth opened and shut; for once he was completely speechless.

“You are the one holding us back. Because you can’t even see why. I loved you then and I’ll admit my feelings for you were never resolved, but you want exactly the same thing now you did then. You have everything planned out for me, perfectly ordered like some cutter life that suits you. But that’s not me, Jason, and you’ve never been able to see beyond that.”

“What are you talking about? It’s always been you, Molly.” He stared at her. His hands threaded through his hair in frustration while she took two steps backward. “Is there anything so wrong with wanting to be with you? To love you? To want a family with you?”