All The Little Moments (3 page)

Anna sat for a few minutes, waiting for Ella’s breathing to even out and her grip to slacken. Then she made her way out the door and pulled it closed quietly. Jake had always laughed and said Ella was a miniature Anna in personality. Apparently he wasn’t far off. She leant against the wall, eyes closed. A long, slow breath left
her body.

What was
she doing?

“So, you’re
doing it?”

Heart pounding,
Anna nodded.

They both sipped their wine, Hayley almost gulping hers before licking her lips, “And, uh—when do you need to
go back?”

Anna tried to calm herself down. It had been a long day, flying back home and trying to organize everything as quickly as she could. None of that had been helped by the fact that she had spent an hour on the couch alone waiting for Hayley to come home, going over and over what she had to tell her. “I spoke to my boss at work today; he’s supportive.” She let out a long breath. “I’m thinking within a
week, depending.”

Hayley leant forward, putting her wine glass down on the coffee table and turning to look at Anna. “Depending
on what?”

“On us.”

Hayley licked her lips, taking her time to answer, as if she was carefully thinking out her response. “Does it have to be
so soon?”

“My mum thinks the sooner the kids get settled back
into normal—”

“Nothing will be normal
for them.”

“No. It won’t.” Sighing, Anna ran a hand over her eyes. “But she thinks the closer we can get them to it,
the better.”

Anna clung to her wine. This was unfair. They had both built a life avoiding exactly this situation. But where Anna had no choice in it, Hayley did. “This isn’t something we
ever wanted.”

Hayley
nodded again.

“You don’t have to—we can just—I can go. And you
can stay.”

With a sigh, Hayley reached for her wine again. “I just—you’re right, this isn’t anything I ever wanted. I was just promoted. But—we—what if we try? I can’t promise anything. But what if we try? I’ll still live here, but I’ll come on and off and see how we go. I’ll come in a few weeks or so and we’ll
try distance.”

Barely daring to breathe, Anna stared at her. “You don’t have to
do that.”

“I
want to.”

Relief bloomed in Anna’s chest and she kissed Haley before pulling back to try to lighten the mood. “I almost had a tantrum at
my mother.”

Hayley smirked, bringing a hand up behind Anna’s neck, pulling her close. “I don’t blame you. Can I
throw one?”

The next six days were full of boxing up items, seeing friends before she left, sorting out lease payments, and overseeing last-minute handovers at work. Hayley was only home late in the evenings after long days at her firm. Anna kept busy with organising and packing up her life and then by pushing Hayley to the bedroom the second she walked through the door. She managed to not think at all. Compartmentalising had always been her
strong point.

She pushed the thought that Jake was dead to the back of her mind, buried it as deep as she could. But there were times, when she was doing something completely mundane, that her chest would tighten and, for no apparent reason, it felt like she couldn’t breathe. Before she could lose herself to that feeling completely, Anna would bite her lip to
distract herself.

They had decided that Hayley was going to join her for a week, after a month or so, and then try and fly out as regularly as she could on weekends. A newspaper was sprawled on the table, red circles around job offers in Melbourne. Anna really had no idea what she was doing. Uprooting her entire life for two children. Uprooting herself for her dead brother, whom she longed to hit as hard as
she could.

The anger hadn’t
really gone.

Six days in, the night before she flew out, she stood blowing hair out of her eyes, her messy ponytail coming apart as she pulled packing tape over her final box. The whole apartment was in shambles, her own boxes packed up amongst Hayley’s things, tape dispensers and stuff scattered everywhere. She sighed heavily. Her love for this apartment bordered on the extreme. She’d made it so pretty—a home with her girlfriend. While they had always been working so much they hadn’t spent a lot of time there, it was
still home.

A sound from the bedroom made Anna turn. Hayley was half falling over a box on her way into the
living room.

“Smooth.”

Hayley shrugged,
looking around.

Anna bit
her lip.

Wide eyed, Hayley stared at all the boxes. She had her freaked-out face on, looking ready to burst with something she needed to say. The expression had been crossing her face regularly the last
few nights.

Anna crossed her arms and shifted her weight to her other foot, waiting until Hayley finally made eye contact
with her.

“It’s okay, Hayley.
Say it.”

Hayley flinched slightly. “I can’t
do this.”

Anna swallowed. She waited for Hayley to say what she
needed to.

“I don’t want to delay it. I don’t want to come out in four weeks, to leave a week later, and then only see you every few weeks. For us both to be miserable until I finally panic and end it.” She gritted her jaw and took a step forward. “We both know that’s what
I’ll do.”

Anna didn’t move. Internally, everything shifted into boxes, compartmentalised so that shutting down was easier. The talent to do so was one Anna had always been grateful for—now more
than ever.

“Anna, I’m sorry. I wanted to try. I didn’t want to be the bitch that left you after your brother died and you got dumped with this…this huge responsibility, but I just...I can’t do this. It’s not me. And the firm...I just
got promoted.”

“I know.”

This was a woman who hardly ever cried, and Anna could hardly look at her
glazed eyes.

“I’m—I’m sorry. Kids—I just…I can’t. I love you. But
I can’t.”

“I get it, Hayley.” The words came out harsher than Anna had intended, and Hayley moved closer. But exhaustion rolled over Anna, and the anger left as quickly as it
had come.

Hayley took another step forward. “You can be angry
at me.”

Anna almost laughed. “Thanks for the permission, Hayley. But I
get it.”

Bitterness was rising in her gut. She wanted to squash the feeling. She did get it. If she had a choice, she’d bail as well. Over three years together, plans to buy an apartment, plans to build a life, and what did it take to destroy that? A drunk driver on
his phone.

“I—”

“Hayley. I kind of need you to go. I can’t…I fly out tomorrow night. I need to not see you
before then.”

Hayley stopped short, looking surprised, “O…Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…I don’t
want this.”

Anna nodded.

Hayley moved forward as if to
hug her.

Automatically, Anna took a step back, arms still crossed and eyes glued to a spot over Hayley’s shoulder—anywhere but directly
at her.

Nodding, Hayley stopped. They looked at each other for a second, and then Hayley turned, grabbed her bag and keys, and
walked out.

Anna let out a long breath, falling back on the couch. Pulling her half-drunk wine towards her, she avoided looking around the room. Her brother was dead, her sister-in-law as well. Her girlfriend had left her, and she was moving the next day to a rainy city to take care of her niece and
nephew, forever.

She took
a sip.

There wasn’t enough wine in
the house.

CHAPTER THREE

Anna couldn’t bring herself to
open
the door.

Her fingers were numb with cold and her eyelids were heavy as she stood staring at the wood. After flying in late, she had come straight from the airport to her brother’s house to drop off her suitcases. All she wanted to do was sleep, and now she couldn’t even make herself go inside
the house.

Instead, she looked around the front porch. It made her choke up. She’d been here only eight weeks ago, talking with Sally on the steps while they waited for Jake to finish his shower so he could drive Anna to the airport. She and Sally had been laughing hysterically about something, and Anna really wished she could remember what it was. Staring at the step and willing herself to remember, she bit her lip but came up blank. All she could recall was that Jake had come out, shaking his head at the two of them with their wine glasses, and had scooped up Sally, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her inside despite her shrieks of
laughing protests.

Anna shook her head and took a deep breath. If she didn’t do this now, she would never do it. The spare key was hot in her hand after being gripped so long, and she finally unlocked the door and pushed it open. Warm air washed over her and smelt like
their
home. Almost dizzy, Anna took
a second.

Steeling herself, she dragged one oversized suitcase and then the other up the stairs to the guest room. It was a nice room, one she had slept in many times. The walls were white, decorative touches done with anyone’s taste
in mind.

There was no way she could sleep in her
brother’s room.

She unpacked her suitcases, dreading the arrival of boxes that wouldn’t fit anywhere. It didn’t take long to put her things away, and she ended up standing in the middle of the room, slightly breathless and unsure of what to
do next.

Actually, she knew what she should do next; she just wanted to
avoid it.

Forcing herself, she wandered down the dark hallway and stood outside the master bedroom door. Repeatedly, her hand rose up to push it open, then dropped back down every time to clench at her side. Was it better for the kids to come back to it packed up and empty, or worse? Should she do something in there, or simply leave it alone
for now?

In the end, she turned and left for her parents’ house to sleep the night, unable to be in the oppressive quiet
any longer.

Groggy and disorientated, an unrecognizable sound drilled into Anna’s sleep. Blinding light pierced her eyes when she finally opened them and she slammed them shut again. She flopped over, forcing her eyes open again, and slowly focused on Ella. A book was open in her lap as she turned the pages absently. Without a word, Anna lifted up her bed sheets, and the little girl climbed in. It almost blew Anna away how hard Ella fell against her, fingers digging into her back and cold nose pressed against
her neck.

She had no idea what she was supposed to do, but maybe the kids would
help her.

They spent the day at her parents’, and only at dinner time did they all go back to the house. This time, Anna didn’t let herself hesitate, pushing the door open and entering like it was nothing—despite the clenching in
her stomach.

Her parents stayed; Sandra cooked dinner. Ella simply pushed the food all over her plate and kept looking around the dining room, pale cheeked and not speaking a word. Toby chattered, instantly comfortable and happy in the place he knew as home. Soon, Anna had mashed potato in her hair from where he’d
flung it.

At one point, Toby stopped, head cocked and a half smile on his face, staring off towards the hallway as if he’d heard a
noise. “Ma?”

They all paused and stared at him, even Ella, watching as he realised no one was coming and went intently back to his potato. It left a hollow feeling in
Anna’s stomach.

When they put the kids to bed, Ella didn’t say a word the entire time. Anna tried to stay until her niece fell asleep, but she was fairly sure Ella was faking it when she finally walked
out quietly.

Her parents let themselves out, Sandra pausing to wrap her arms around Anna. “Hayley will be out soon;
that’ll help.”

It was only then that Anna
told her.

Her mother looked ready to burst into tears, but one look at Anna’s face seemed to make her rein it in. In the car already, her father beeped the horn. Sandra wrapped her arms around Anna again and told her to call if she
needed anything.

Anna stood in the hallway, wanting to rip the door open and scream at her mother to come back and stay while Anna flew back to her life. Instead, fingers trembling slightly, she grabbed a bottle of wine that was unopened in the fridge and sat on the couch. She tried to ignore the fact that the wine was her and Sally’s favourite, one they
always shared.

The house was horribly still. And her heart
was racing.

Distantly, she wondered if she was having an anxiety attack. Her breathing was a little rapid and the trembling in her fingers had intensified. Licking her lips, Anna tried to tamp
it down.

The kids were going to stay home the next day, Friday. It had been decided that Ella would go back to school on Monday. Sandra said she’d spoken to the school counsellor, and the sooner they got Ella back into whatever normalcy they could, the better. The same day, Anna would have a meeting with Ella’s teacher and the counsellor to discuss how to keep everything as normal as possible. But what
was
normal?

Kids’ toys sat in the corner of the room, a haphazard stack of Disney DVDs piled in front of the television. There was so much colour. Knees drawn up to her chest, Anna took in a deep breath and dropped her head down. Home was what she wanted, not this. She longed to be sharing wine on the couch with Hayley, then to fall into bed and throw herself into sex and skin, not go to bed alone in her dead brother’s house with his kids sleeping down
the hall.

Something poked into her back, and she pulled the remote control out from between the cushions. Deciding against turning the television on, she dropped it on the sofa. She couldn’t blame Hayley, not at all, not really. But that didn’t mean she didn’t feel some resentment. They’d spent three years together, and she thought Hayley could at least have tried a
bit harder.

She’d done it. Her life had turned upside down, and she
was trying.

Mentally slapping herself, she stood up, put her wine glass in the sink and the bottle in the fridge. Just as she was walking up the stairs, she heard Toby give a cry. Heart pounding, she hovered and hoped he would fall back to sleep. Another cry. Steeling herself, she continued up and into
his room.

“Mama.” He gave a nonsensical cry again and
then, “Da.”

The sound almost broke her heart. She wondered how long until he’d forget, until he no longer cried for the parents who had once shown up
without fail.

Carpet soft beneath her toes, Anna padded across the room to bend over his cot. He was sitting up, his blanket pulled to his chest, brown hair mussed and little cheeks red and wet. Damp blue eyes looked at her for a minute, not recognising his aunt, only to throw his arms up when he did. She bent down and picked him up, and he nestled
into her.

Swallowing, Anna sat on the chair in the corner of the room. She leant back awkwardly and held him to her chest, smoothing the hair off his forehead and rubbing his back. Heavy and unsettled breathing echoed in Anna’s ears, and he murmured “Da” several times before he calmed down, fingers clasping rhythmically at her shirt, eyes
fluttering closed.

The chair rocked silently, and she rubbed his back, remembering her last phone conversation with
her brother.

“Toby’s still not sleeping through the night. You’re a doctor, right? Is that normal? Ella slept like
a log.”

“Jake, seriously, how many times? I’m an anaesthetist—kids cry, and I put them
to sleep.”

“Perfect! That’s what we want to happen. What drugs do
I need?”

She laughed and rolled her eyes, switching the hand she held the phone in. “Funny. I don’t know. Is he waking up screaming or just
waking up?”

“Just every few nights, waking up. I only have Ella to compare
him to.”

“I’d say it’s just a phase. Does he
settle quickly?”

“Yeah, right back down. Only that quickly for me, though. Sally now has an excuse to kick me out of bed when he cries. Kid loves
his dad.”

It was hard to keep being angry with Jake when memories like that made her feel like
falling apart.

Anna pressed her lips against the finally sleeping boy’s head. Not for the first time—and it wouldn’t be the last—she really did wonder what the hell she
was doing.

Too much TV wasn’t good for kids—Anna had read this somewhere. Nevertheless, she spent her Friday morning watching a lot of cartoons. With a job interview that afternoon, surely a little downtime would do them all some good. Her boss at her old hospital had called ahead to recommend her for the job, but Anna still had to go through
the formalities.

Plus, it was a good excuse to get out of
the house.

Her mother showed up, took one look at the kids—Toby had a Lego bucket on his head that Ella was hitting at with a wooden spoon while staring at the television—and said, “I’ll take them to
the park.”

Anna mouthed “thank you” and grabbed her bag, saying “bye” to the kids and escaping quickly. As she started to leave, she heard Toby make a squawk of protest, but the sound was interrupted by her mother’s
soothing whispers.

Since Sandra didn’t need her car, with the park just down the road, Anna used it. She still didn’t feel like her brother’s car was hers
to use.

Navigating slowly through the streets, she was surprised it only took twenty-five minutes to get to the hospital. Anna parked in visitors parking and wandered to the entrance. The building loomed high, the walls grey and intimidating. The place was huge. Luckily, the receptionist at the information desk was more than happy to give her directions to the office she needed. The familiar smell of hospital relaxed
Anna slightly.

As she slid into an elevator, a tall, pale woman slipped in just
behind her.

“Are you looking for Luke
McDermott’s office?”

Anna looked at her, surprised.
“Ah, yeah?”

“Sorry, I heard you talking to the receptionist. I was heading there too. I can show you if
you like?”

Anna breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, that’d be great. The directions weren’t
overly specific.”

The woman slipped her hands into her lab coat. “It’s a bit of
a maze.”

“I’m Anna Foster.” She held her
hand out.

The woman shook it.
“Kym Drew.”

“Worked
here long?”

“A couple of years now. I’m
in Psych.”

Anna winced. “Brave. Well, it’s nice to meet someone I might run into around
the place.”

“Applying for a job?” They walked out of the elevator and down a hallway before turning left down another. Already lost, Anna tried to track
their route.

“Yeah, actually. Senior anaesthetist. I just moved
from Brisbane.”

Kym’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, wait. He mentioned the woman from Brisbane—you come highly recommended. Job’s pretty much yours, if
that helps.”