All The Little Moments (2 page)

She was at a loss when people asked how she was doing, when Hayley looked at her in the middle of the night and said, “Babe, you have to be feeling
something
you want to talk about.” Silence was the only answer, as Anna would roll onto her side and pull Hayley’s arm across her middle. Sleep eluded her even as she pretended to succumb
to it.

What could she talk about? Her only sibling had been killed. She didn’t have words for losing the man who was half brother, half best friend. It was a bond that had never faded as they’d
gotten older.

When he’d been shipped overseas, she had gone as crazy as Sally worrying about him. The two of them had drunk more wine together than was probably appropriate
for sisters-in-law.

She wasn’t ready to not have her
best friend.

How would she talk about the look in her mother’s eye? Or about the scotch she could smell on her father’s breath, even as he avoided looking at her? Or about how Ella was still quiet, pushing her food around her plate and barely eating? About how poor Toby had started to pick up that something was very wrong, becoming more and more clingy and agitated. He was often calling for Ma and Da, looking confused when it was his grandmother hovering over him, before breaking into the grin he was so
good at.

How did she talk about how dreading the lawyer’s visit the next day to go over the will? About how she didn’t want to watch her mother break down and her father stare stoically as their son and daughter-in-law’s last will and testament was read. Something about doing that was so very, very final. And soon—surely it was
too soon?

And how did she talk about how it felt like a part of her had
died too?

In between sips of tea, the balding lawyer spoke monotonously, seated across the living room on a chair brought from the kitchen. While Anna was trying to concentrate on the complicated legalese the man spewed forth, it felt like listening to something underwater. She leant heavily against Hayley while giving the occasional nod, trusting her hot-shot lawyer girlfriend to pay attention for her. Distracted, Anna focussed on Sandra’s hands, running methodically through Toby’s soft brown hair as he slept on the sofa between her parents. The tea in Andrew’s lap was probably cold, untouched as he sat ramrod straight. He hadn’t blinked once that Anna
had noticed.

With a twinge of guilt, a part of her longed for this to be over, to go home with her girlfriend and bury herself in work and ignore what had happened. Another part of her just wanted to crawl into bed and never
emerge again.

She
missed Jake.

The lawyer cleared his throat and Anna blinked, forcing herself to look back at him. “So, really, the will is summed up fairly easily. Anna Foster is to be left the house in Melbourne and both cars—er, the remaining car. All assets, both financial and material, are to be transferred into
her name.”

Silence descended upon the room, and the words finally registered in Anna’s mind. “I’m
sorry. What?”

Hayley’s hand, which had been rubbing gently up and down her
back, stilled.

The lawyer kept going, “Custody of Ella and Toby Foster is to go to one Anna Foster, as unanimously agreed by the
biological parents.”

Anna’s mouth fell open. She
blinked again.

The lawyer, the stupid boring man, looked up from his papers and seemed surprised to see the look on her face. “Jake said he spoke of this
with you?”

“Uh…” There was a conversation Anna
vaguely recalled.

“If I die, you’ll take the
kids, right?”

She spun on her bar stool, raising an eyebrow at him, “We’re here toasting the birth of your first kid, and you’re already
talking plural?”

“Oh, I’ll have more. Have you seen that kid? I make good kids. It’s imperative I produce more,
little sister.”

Anna snorted. “Oh, yeah, you owe it
to mankind.”

“Glad you agree. Now, that’s a
yes
then? I won’t have my kids going to Sally’s parents, they’re terrifying. Hell, even Sally doesn’t want to go near
her parents.”

“Mum and Dad can raise them. Besides, you’re
not dying.”

“Mum and Dad!? I love them, but they’re old, and kids don’t need old. And Dad’s…you know Dad—he’s not warm, Anna. It was just me and you growing up. So that
leaves you.”

Anna threw back a shot and slid one over the bar to Jake. “Right, yeah, I’d be great with
the kids.”

Anna stared at the lawyer, mouth still open.
Jake Foster, that was not a conversation about me raising your children in your absence.
She suddenly felt irrationally pissed that he wasn’t there for her
to throttle.

A glance at her parents told her they weren’t surprised. Then she looked at Hayley, who was staring at the lawyer with horrified,
wide eyes.

Anna’s world just kept
falling apart.

CHAPTER TWO

Two hours on from meeting
with the lawyer and Anna was still shell-shocked. The silence in the car as she drove Hayley to the airport was pressing in on her ears. Both of them stared numbly at the road, Anna’s mind churning over everything, ignoring the fact that her girlfriend had retreated completely inside herself. Focussing on the anger bubbling in her stomach
was easier.

It probably wasn’t healthy to be so mad at her dead brother, but she was—which was almost a relief, because it stopped everything else from
overwhelming her.

Being angry stopped the feeling that her chest was restricted and she couldn’t breathe, the feeling that everything was spinning while she stood still, the feeling that overtook her when she watched her father close his study door and heard the clink of a bottle on glass or when she caught her mother staring vaguely at a plate, hands covered in drying
dish water.

A red light turned green and it took her too long to notice. A loud horn blasted behind her as she tried to forget the memory of Ella staring wordlessly at her untouched food. Anna accelerated, trying to concentrate, but she couldn’t stop thinking of the kids. When she and Hayley had left the house, Anna had had to choke down a lump at the sight of Toby sitting in his sister’s lap with a book. Ella’s arms had encircled the small toddler, and he’d been gripping his blanket to himself as he leant back against her chest, looking up at her and then back at the book with
captivated eyes.

That sight hurt. The fact that those two kids didn’t have their parents hurt. A six-year-old who would forever remember feeling abandoned and a fifteen-month-old who wouldn’t remember anything—what would happen to them now? Would Ella forever be taking on a role too big
for her?

Anna’s eyes flicked to Hayley, who was steadfastly staring out the window, looking ready to bolt. The worried thought that she would gnawed at Anna, but then anger boiled in her stomach again, overshadowing everything else. How could Jake and Sally put her in this position when they knew damn well how she felt about having kids? The grip she had on the steering wheel turned her knuckles white. Despite what he seemed to think of a random bar conversation, Jake had never spoken about this, had ignored the fact that she didn’t want children. Anna’s grip on the wheel tightened even more at the implications. This type of commitment was something she had spent her entire life avoiding. Anna had been nervous enough just
thinking
of buying an apartment with her girlfriend. Jake
knew that.

Eyes glued to the road, she swallowed heavily, her breathing getting out of control. Jake was dead and she couldn’t even yell
at him.

Being angry at Jake was easier than being sad
about Jake.

Anna hit her indicator harder than she intended and drove into the departures section of the airport. The hideous silence was making her feel like crawling out of
her skin.

“We’ll figure this out,”
she said.

Hayley blinked and looked over at her, hand slipping onto Anna’s thigh. “We’ll figure
something out.”

“My parents can
take them.”

Anna found a spot to pull over and killed the engine. They looked at each other, the space wide
between them.

“Maybe.” Hayley hesitated. “They seemed on board with
Jake’s will.”

“It looks like he may have talked to them about it.” Anna suddenly slammed her open palm against the steering wheel. “Damn
it, Jake!”

Guilt slammed into her stomach as Anna dropped her head back against the headrest. Tears filled her eyes, and she blinked
them away.

Hayley looked at her, grip tightening. “Hey. Like you said, we’ll figure
it out.”

Cheeks burning, Anna didn’t open
her eyes.

“I’m sorry I have to go when—well—with everything like this. I’m sorry I have to go so soon. I booked your ticket for two days from now—you’ll fly
back then?”

Anna rolled her head to the side, finally looking at Hayley. “Yeah. I’ll talk to my parents. Figure out what all this
actually means.”

When they slid out of the car, Anna pulled Hayley’s bag out of the back, then leant against the
passenger door.

Hayley moved forward, kissing her once. “I’ll call you when
I land?”

Anna nodded.

“Try and survive without the constant sex, hey?”
Hayley smiled.

Anna rolled her eyes. “It’ll
be hard.”

Bag in hand, Hayley started to walk off. Metres away, she paused and turned to look back one last time, head tilted slightly. “It’s okay to
cry, Anna.”

Unable to look her in the eye, Anna shrugged, tight lipped, and Hayley turned away again. Anna watched her walk through the doors before sliding back into the car. Heart thudding, she clutched the steering wheel, started the car, and pulled out too fast, trying to remind herself to pay attention as her stomach turned over. Her reality was inescapable. And her brother must have
been insane.

Jake had made his decision, but surely she could speak to her parents, tell them it was best they took the kids. They saw them regularly; it made a lot more sense. She was just the fun aunty, and she didn’t want this. Kids deserved to be with someone who
wanted them.

She slammed her hand into the steering wheel again, saying out loud, “Talk to them, but not to me. Makes real sense.” She bit her lip. Now she was talking
to herself.

There was a thought that nagged in the back of her mind. She loved her parents, and she and Jake had been incredibly lucky compared to a lot of other children. But Jake had made it a point to her that he didn’t want his kids raised by them. What had he said? Their father wasn’t warm. Anna gave a snort of laughter. That was the understatement of the year. Andrew could be a distant, foreboding man. What little physical affection he had given when they were small had stopped quickly. He had kept them at arm’s length and expected them to be stoic, non-complaining, quiet children. Her father now expected them to be
quiet adults.

Anna pulled the car into a spot at a park near her parents’ house and rested her head heavily on the steering wheel. A glance at the clock told her she could avoid going back for a little longer, and she shut her eyes tightly as she thought of Jake as
a father.

She’d been curious about how a man raised with a closed-off father like theirs would be as a parent, but children had changed her brother, had enlivened him. Parenthood had suited him and Sally both. Bright, loving and warm, Jake had been everything their father was not, loudly encouraging where their father was a harsh disciplinarian. Jake didn’t want his kids growing up in that household. That much
he’d said.

With a sigh, she finally pulled out of the park an hour later. Sally’s parents were off the table without even a question. And as Jake had said, that left Anna. These kids were all that remained of
her brother.

And that thought scared the shit out
of her.

By the time she pulled into the driveway, the streetlights had switched on, and Anna knew the kids would be in bed. Guilt gnawed at her stomach, but she pushed it down. She had no idea what to do about any
of this.

After letting herself in, she padded softly down the hall to the kitchen, where her mother was pouring cups of tea as if she’d been waiting for Anna to appear. Anna leant on the centre bar top and rested on her elbows, accepting the mug with a
grateful look.

“He wanted it to be
you, Anna.”

She looked up and caught her mother’s eye, which was red-rimmed and shadowed by dark smudges. “Mum, why? Why would he want it to be me? I live in another city. I’ve never wanted kids. Plus, I work God-awful hours.” Anna wrapped her fingers around her mug, tilting her head to look at Sandra, who sat down opposite her at the
kitchen island.

“You don’t think I said all of that to him?” Her mother raised an eyebrow playfully.

The half joke didn’t even insult Anna. “See, even you agree with me. I’m as nurturing as
a teaspoon.”

“You and I both know you can be nurturing. And, actually, I agree with Jake and
Sally’s decision.”

“You don’t want the kids?” Surprise caused her to raise her voice, and she glanced upstairs, even though it was late and Ella and Toby were
fast asleep.

Sandra’s look hardened. “Those children mean the world to me. But your brother explained his decision, and it made sense. Your hours are better now that you’re out of your internship and residency. You’re more settled since you met Hayley—we won’t talk about your drinking and partying
before then.”

Anna avoided her mother’s eye and sipped her tea. Maybe she had enjoyed herself a touch
too much.

“You’re responsible, love those kids, and your job can easily be moved to a hospital in Melbourne. Or you could move the kids to Brisbane, but I don’t think that would
be fair.”

Anna barely managed to push down the urge to throw her tea to the floor and scream hysterically about how unfair all this was. Acting like a child wouldn’t solve
her problem.

It wouldn’t be fair to
the
kids
? She was being asked to drop her entire life and move cities to take care of her brother’s children—permanently. Her brother and sister-in-law had just died. Since the will had been read, her girlfriend could barely look her in the eye, and now Hayley was on a plane, probably panicking about what had just happened. Her father was comforting himself with a bottle of scotch as he hid in his study, and her mother’s eyes were a permanent glazed red. Fair was a concept Anna was
struggling with.

Her mother seemed to sense her internal struggle. “It’s what he wanted, Anna.” The words sunk in, heavy, as Sandra reached forward and rested a hand on her forearm. “Your father and I are, well, grandparents. We’re old. J-Jake had
a point.”

It hurt to hear her mother stutter over his name. It hurt to know she spoke the truth. Everything hurt and Anna just wanted out. She knew it was selfish. But at least she was honest enough with herself to
admit that.

Anna was going to be taking her
brother’s children.

She would be moving to
God-awful Melbourne.

Her girlfriend was going to
be pissed.

Two incomes,
no kids.

Shit.

The next two days passed in a blur of trying to keep the kids settled, calling lawyers, and figuring out the next steps. Andrew stayed hidden away, and Sandra did most of the work with the kids, while Anna tried to hide from the reality of
her situation.

Yet she couldn’t escape the reality of what
had happened.

In the shower, the loss of her brother would slam into her full force, only to be quickly drowned out by irrational anger at both him and Sally. What had they been thinking? Pacing the house like she was caged, Anna would finally go for walks, desperate to escape the grief that followed her. With her heart pounding, she would walk blindly and hope the ache in her chest would cease. Never had she thought she could feel like this; she could still barely believe her brother
was gone.

The night before she flew out, Anna found herself tiptoeing into the kids’ room before she went to bed. The room was dark, and she could hear Toby’s soft baby snores coming from his cot. She padded softly over, and even she was thrown by the cuteness of the toddler, sprawled on his back, pacifier discarded to the side. She pulled the blanket up over him and ran her fingers over the silk of his hair. He really was the sweetest thing, this little boy who moved with a vengeance and had a vocabulary of less than ten words. He was never going to know his father and mother. His future had just been inexorably altered, the man he would have grown into changed. Nature versus nurture was about to
take point.

“Aunty Na?”

She turned.

Big eyes stared at her from
Ella’s pillow.

Walking over, she squatted next to the bed, resting a hand on the blankets. “What’s up, Ella Bella?” she asked in a low voice, anxious not to
wake Toby.

“Do you
have
to go in
the morning?”

Anna smiled softly. “I do. But I’ll be back
very soon.”

“And then we’re all going back home?” Ella scrunched up her little face, still trying to wrap her head around all the changes. “You, me
and Toby?”

“Yep. Is that okay
with you?”

Ella’s face remained blank. She didn’t respond but rolled over to face the wall, little hand
gripping Anna’s.