All the Broken Pieces (9 page)

15

Sweat broke out across Liv’s forehead.

“Are you sure you don’t want to pull your hair back?” Mom asked.

At this point, looking good wasn’t even an option. Her T-shirt had sweat marks around the collar and under the arms, and her hair had cemented itself to her neck. But people passed on a constant basis and she felt less exposed with her hair down. “I’m okay.”

Mom thrust a bottle toward her. “Drink some water.”

Liv took a swig. At the beginning of the hike, the water had been cool; now it was just as warm as the sticky air surrounding it.

“Better let Dad check your heart rate.”

“I’m fine, really,” Liv said. When Mom frowned, she lowered her voice and leaned toward her. “It’ll be embarrassing. I swear, if I feel bad, I’ll let you know.”

A man came down the trail, a dog tugging him forward. He lifted his hand. “Dr. Stein! Nice to see you.”

Dad introduced her and Mom to Dr. Harris, who worked at the clinic, too. The yellow Lab pulled against his leash, heading for Liv. She backpedaled a couple steps, but then an image of a dog bringing her a stick popped into her head. A calm feeling washed over her, and she felt a surge of affection for the Lab. Palm up, she extended her hand to the dog’s nose.

He sniffed it. Then licked it with his warm tongue. His tail swished back and forth.

“This is Tag,” Dr. Harris said. “It looks like he likes you.”

Liv knelt in front of the dog and scratched his ears. “Hey, Tag.”

As Mom, Dad, and Dr. Harris continued to talk—some kind of medical mumbo jumbo— Liv ran her fingers through Tag’s coat. Something about the coarse hair against her palm tugged at her memory. Even his nasty breath only made him more endearing. If anyone had asked her earlier how she felt about dogs, she never would’ve said she liked them. But now she realized she did.

“Guess I better get going,” Dr. Harris said. “I’ll see you later, Henry.” He nodded at Mom, then Liv. “Nice to finally meet you both.”

Liv reluctantly stood. As she watched Tag walk away, a sense of longing washed through her. “Did I ever have a dog?”

Dad shot her a sidelong glance. “Have you met your mother?”

“I don’t have anything against dogs,” Mom scoffed. “I just don’t want to be cleaning off dog hair and picking up after them with little Baggies.”

Every time something felt familiar, it seemed to contradict her life, which made her feel even more lost.
When am I going to get over this awful sense of wrongness?

And what am I going to do if it never goes away?

They continued up the trail, finally making it to the top. The air was a couple degrees cooler, and she took deep breaths, trying to ease the cramp in her side. Red-hued hills contrasted the deep blue sky, shrubbery dotted the land below, and a tree-lined river cut a trail through the valley. It looked like a picture straight out of Dad’s magazines.

Okay, so it sucks that I messed up everything with Spencer and that I miss a dog I never had. But I made it up this hill, and I didn’t flinch once when other people passed me on the trail.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught movement. But she didn’t get her hands up in time. The spinning yellow Frisbee binged her in the side of the head, then fell to the ground. Rubbing the spot where it had hit, she turned around.

“Sorry,” a younger boy with a round, flushed face said, making his way over.

“It’s okay.” Liv bent down to get the Frisbee, right as he reached for it.

The kid looked up and his eyes widened. “Ew, that looks disgusting! What happened to you?”

Glancing down, Olivia saw the tip of her scar peeking out of the top of her shirt. Her hand shot up, flattening her neckline as she stood.

Pain radiated through her chest, not from the physical contact but from somewhere deep inside.

“Yo, Felix,” a voice yelled, making Liv flinch. “Hurry up.”

The kid grabbed the Frisbee and ran back toward his friend, leaving her standing there, fighting tears.
I should chase that chubby kid down and bing him over the head with the Frisbee.
The voice held venom, but underneath it, there was pain.

J-just ignore him. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.

It felt like every ounce of her energy had been drained and in its place was now suffocating sadness, weighing her down. Often, with all the fighting going on in her head, she felt like three people constantly at war. Right now she was feeling the ache of all three of them. It was even worse than the bickering.

Mom came over and draped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m glad you and Dad talked me into this. The view’s so pretty up here.” Worry creased her brow. “Are you okay, sweetheart? Is it your heart? Did we push you too hard?”

It
was
her heart, but it had nothing to do with the hike. Liv lowered her hand, blinking to keep the tears from spilling out. She swallowed past the giant lump in her throat. “I’m done. I just want to go home.”

And never leave again.

…

Monday morning came too fast. Liv had dragged herself out of bed at the last possible minute, thrown on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt she’d found on her floor, and hadn’t even bothered with makeup. Since she’d fallen asleep with wet hair last night, her locks were half-wavy, half-smashed, and all-the-way frizzy. The girly voice was appalled.

Now, as she stood at the base of the steps to the school, her legs felt as heavy as her heart.
It was stupid to think I could ever be normal. My chance at normal ended the night I wrapped my car around that tree.

Keira was the only potential for a close friend, and maybe Clay, but that was because they didn’t know about her missing memories.

They hadn’t seen her repulsive scar.

And she was going to make sure no one else ever saw it again.

Those words that had tortured her since yesterday’s hike ran through her head again:
Ew, that looks disgusting! What happened to you?

She was broken. Unfixable.

People rushed by, bumping into her like there wasn’t a whole freaking stairway.
Back the hell off
, she wanted to yell. Instead, she gritted her teeth and trudged up the stairs. Her eyes burned from crying herself to sleep.

The second she walked into the building, there was Sabrina and the gang, all polished perfection. Unfortunately, Keira wasn’t there, and she was the only person she thought she could stand this morning.

Sabrina’s eyebrows shot up. “Whoa,” she said, managing to pack a hundred insults into such a tiny word. “What look were you going for this morning?”

Taylor and Candace giggled.

Something inside Liv snapped. “I was going for, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

Eyes widened, mouths hung open. The words had burst out of her, and Liv liked how they sounded now that they were there, mixed in with the gossip.

The fear hit a few seconds later.

She’s going to destroy you.

Doing her best to throw on an indifferent front, she turned to leave and almost ran into Keira.

Keira’s smile disappeared as she looked from her to Sabrina, then back to her. “What’d I miss?”

“Ask Sabrina. I’m sure she’ll fill you in.” Liv walked away, too angry to care what else they said about her.

…

The momentary strength Liv had felt from standing up to Sabrina quickly faded, and she’d ended up sitting outside for lunch to avoid the drama with the popular group and the awkwardness with Spencer. Since it was in the high nineties, she’d basically sweated off her lunch as she ate it, and by the time she made it back to her locker, she felt depleted. It was only halfway through the day, and three and a half more hours seemed like a torturous eternity.

Then I’ll tell Mom I want to go back to being homeschooled. I won’t have to worry about where to sit or what anyone else thinks.
She grabbed her math book and slammed her locker door.
Do I really want to go back to that life again? Sure, no one told me how disgusting my scar was—
her heart gave a painful squeeze—
but it was lonely.

Look around. It’s not like I’m swimming in friends here.

Because you’re not even trying. Wasn’t there a flyer for cheerleading tryouts on the wall?

I’d rather choke on my own vomit than only get noticed because my butt’s hanging out of a short cheerleading skirt.

“Great,” she mumbled. “Back to arguing with myself. Just what I need, more issues to deal with.”

A girl sitting on the bench in the hall looked at her, face all scrunched up.

Discouraged and confused, and needing to get away from the girl who’d heard her talking to herself, she tucked her books under her arm and strode down the hall.

“Hey, Liv.” Clay jogged up to her. “I missed you at lunch.” He nudged her with his elbow. “I hope you’re not trying to avoid me.”

“Not you. Life in general.”

“On your way to the math class that you like?”

“The very one.” Liv slowed as they neared the classroom. “Don’t you like any of your classes?”

He shrugged. “I guess history is less awful than the rest.”

She leaned in and whispered, “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”

The grin he gave her lit up his whole face, and it was impossible not to return it. “I thought you were going to be at the party Friday night. It would’ve been better if you were there.”

Liv spotted Spencer coming down the hall. She didn’t want to stare, but she couldn’t help it. He always looked so grouchy. But the rare times she saw him smile, and the time she’d made him laugh in the playland—those moments stuck in her mind, making it hard to give up on him completely.

He glanced her way, his usual serious expression on his face.

Liv turned away, hoping he didn’t notice she’d been staring at him. “Sorry,” she said to Clay when she saw his expectant expression. “What were you saying?”

“Just that you should come to a party sometime. You might be surprised how much fun we can pull off using our limited resources.”

“Maybe I’ll catch the next one.”

See, not everyone at school is hard to deal with. Clay went out of his way to find me, and I don’t even have to decode what he’s thinking.

I can do this. I can stick it out. There are a lot of other people here besides Sabrina and her group.

Maybe I’ll even get involved in something. Not cheerleading, but some other extracurricular activity. Something not physical.

Or nerdy.

Okay, so joining a group might have to wait.

The people in the hall were clearing out. She jerked a thumb toward the classroom. “I better get to class. But I’ll see you later.”

Big smile on his face, Clay did this charming head-nod/eyebrow-raise combo move. “Count on it.”

Feeling much lighter than she had earlier in the day, she slipped inside Mr. Barker’s room. Spencer didn’t look up when she came in. His eyes were glued to the notebook in front of him.

Fine, Spencer Multiple-Personality Hale. Be that way.

Liv sat at the desk in the far corner, the one she knew no one else sat near. As Mr. Barker started the lecture, she glared at the back of Spencer’s head. The longer she stared, the angrier she felt. The least he could’ve done was say hi or wave.
That’s it. This time, I really am done with him.

…

The instant Liv walked into chemistry, Sabrina started with the dirty looks.

She’s such a bitch. She talks crap about me, then acts like
I’m
the one who attacked her.

Liv glared right back, holding her head high, even though there was still a tiny part that wanted to win Sabrina over.

I don’t need you. Clay likes me, and you and Spencer can just get over yourselves.

When she glanced at Keira, though, a pang went through her chest. Out of everyone here, Keira had been the nicest. She thought they were friends, and she didn’t want to give her up. But apparently, Keira was going along with Sabrina, which meant
she
was willing to give
her
up.

What did you expect? They’re all the same.

Telling herself she didn’t care, and feeling a mix of relief and sorrow about letting it all go, she settled into the empty table behind Keira and Sabrina.

Mrs. Smith went on and on about how fun today’s experiment would be, but Liv seriously doubted making elephant toothpaste was going to be the pick-me-up she needed. It wasn’t even real toothpaste. Just breaking hydrogen peroxide into oxygen and water. Apparently it looked like toothpaste, but larger, and for some reason, that made Mrs. Smith really happy.

“Now put on your goggles,” Mrs. Smith said, giant grin on her face, “and let the fun begin.”

Of course I got the scratched goggles
, Liv thought as she put them on.
If only they were scratched up enough to block my view of Sabrina’s perfect shiny hair and frilly red top.

Mrs. Smith frowned in her direction. “Liv, you don’t have a partner?”

Several faces turned to stare at the odd girl out. None of them had put on their goggles yet, so she felt like even more of a loser.

“You can work with Sabrina and Keira, if you’d like.”

If looks could kill, Sabrina’s would’ve dropped her on the spot.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind working alone.”
I’ve got a couple warring voices in my head to keep me company, anyway. I’m sure they’ll be real helpful.

Liv read the first step on her lab handout and got to work on the experiment. Once the potassium iodide was dissolved, she poured eighty milliliters of hydrogen peroxide into a graduated cylinder. Next, she added forty milliliters of Dawn detergent to the cylinder, then picked it up to swirl the ingredients together, like the directions told her to.

Her arm spasmed and the foamy mixture flew out of the cylinder.

Several foamy drops splattered onto the back of Sabrina’s shirt.

Mrs. Smith had specifically warned them that the high-grade hydrogen peroxide would bleach clothing.