All the Broken Pieces (5 page)

7

Liv sat in the empty classroom, math book open on the desk in front of her, tapping her pencil to her lip as she worked on the problems. Going home meant dealing with Mom’s foul mood and a long list of chores, so the only way she could get her homework done was to stay after school.

As she moved to write her answer, the silver charm bracelet on her wrist caught the light. She lifted her arm and studied the large heart.
J + L
was engraved on the front.

Her nails were fake and French-tipped and her arms were toned and tan. She wore a lacy top that showed cleavage—she actually had quite a bit of it somehow—and tight jeans with rhinestones on the pocket. She shifted forward and her bangs fell into her face. Bangs that were pale blond.

Looking around, she noticed that the chairs attached to the desks were blue instead of maroon-colored, which wasn’t right. Plus they looked beat up and old, their surfaces riddled with pockmarks and ink.

Liv experienced that same feeling she got when she immersed herself in the tub, everything muted yet warm. Her cell phone rang, pulling her out of her daze. She took it from her pocket and stared at the pink floral covering. The name
Courtney
flashed across the display. She tossed her pencil on her book and answered.

“Where are you?” Courtney asked. “The girls and I are heading to the mall. We might even catch a movie later.”

Under no circumstances would she tell her friend she was hiding out at school, studying math. “I can’t tonight. I’ve got to…pick up an extra shift.”

“You’re always at that damn restaurant. Can’t you take a night off?”

“You know how it is,” Liv said, even though Courtney didn’t. Not really. Liv was careful not to let any of her friends see what her real life was like.

“Fine. See you tomorrow at school. You won’t be too busy for me then, will you?”

“I’ll try to fit you in. If you’re lucky.” She’d found that making a joke was the best way to keep people from taking too close a look or asking any more questions.

Courtney laughed. “You better.”

Liv hung up and got back to work on her assignment. She might not be the best at many subjects, but math was her thing, and she was determined to get amazing grades this year. It was her only shot at college, and college was her ticket away from Mom and out of Rochester.

Besides, she actually liked math. Always had. It wasn’t anything that her friends would beam with pride over—in fact, they’d mock her endlessly. But she loved that moment when she saw how to solve the problem she’d thought might be unsolvable only seconds ago.

“What are you still doing in here?” a deep voice asked, making her jump.

Mr. Schaeffer stood in the open doorway. He’d decided she was a problem student, and nothing could change his mind. Liv didn’t like him, either. She didn’t trust older men in general. Too many bad run-ins, thanks to Mom.

It didn’t help that Mr. Schaeffer had also given her a couple of referrals for things she couldn’t help. Like being late because her car wouldn’t start and Mom was too hungover to drive. Or the time she’d sworn in class—okay, that one was probably a
little
her fault.

She swallowed, trying to hide the fact that her heart was beating too fast and her hands were shaking. “Mrs. Taylor knows I’m here. She’ll be right back.”

Mrs. Taylor did let her study in her classroom and was usually there to help out if she needed it. She was the one teacher Liv liked—that was another secret she hid from her friends. But Mrs. Taylor’d had to leave early that day.

Mr. Schaeffer narrowed his eyes, staring at her for an agonizing eternity, then finally left. As soon as he was gone, she stood and gathered her books. Time was up anyway; Mom would be calling soon, asking where she was. Later, when Mom was asleep or busy and Liv was so tired the numbers would swim together, she’d have to finish her homework.

All the extra hours of studying would be worth it someday. Because someday, she would do something amazing with her life. She was going to be somebody.

She just needed to survive the next few years first.

…

Monday morning, frantic energy coursing through her veins, Liv entered the school. Today was going to be different.

All morning she’d thought about her odd dream, where she wasn’t really herself but everything still felt hauntingly familiar. Even though it hadn’t really been her in the dream, it gave her this boost of confidence, as though the skills to fit in—even if it was a fake, hidden part of herself—were buried in her brain somewhere, if she could just dig deep enough.

She spotted Sabrina, Candace, and Taylor. Usually she kept to the fringe of the group. Even then, she’d only go over if Keira was there. Not today, though. The need to be accepted was in overdrive, telling her to go up and be bold.

All you have to do is find the right thing to say to Sabrina and you’re in. Everyone else will follow. Don’t think about it as sucking up; think about it as making your life easier.

Liv waited for the argument from the other voice in her head—which probably didn’t bode well for her mental state—but it never came. It was so nice to not deal with the bickering thoughts, she decided to listen to the one.

Maybe I can ditch a voice if I embrace one and push the other away
, she thought as she strode toward the group. Sabrina was going on and on about some college guy she’d met at a party. She had on a flowy floral shirt, chunky silver jewelry, and tight-fitting distressed jeans. Her hair was sleek and shiny, her makeup impeccable. Looks obviously meant a lot to her.

“I love your necklace,” Liv said, and for some reason it came out a little ditzy-sounding. “In fact, your whole outfit is awesome.”

Sabrina looked at her and smiled.

Could it really be that easy? A compliment and I’m in, just like that?

Everyone in the group was looking at her now. Out of habit, she pulled her hair forward.

“I noticed you wear a lot of graphic tees,” Sabrina said. “Is that what everyone wore at your old school?”

Liv put a protective hand on her chest, over her other hidden scar. “I guess so.”

Lips pursed, Sabrina looked her up and down. “I mean, it’s cute and all. You just might want to change it up once in a while.”

“Thanks,” Liv said, then immediately wondered why she was thanking Sabrina for basically saying her fashion sense sucked. She wanted to back away but didn’t want it to look like she was offended or hurt, even though she was both.

I warned you they were like this. All they care about is looks and tearing other people down.

Oh, sure.
Now
the other voice chimed in.
Where were you a few minutes ago?

She wasn’t sure if she was more angry or relieved there was no answer.

Out of nowhere, Keira showed up. She stepped in front of Liv, facing Sabrina. “So, what was Grant’s deal the other night? He was acting like a total idiot.”

Sabrina added her opinion, a few more chimed in, and thanks to Keira’s diversion, the spotlight was off Liv.

“Missed you at the party,” a voice said near her ear. “It’s too bad you couldn’t come.” Turning toward the sound, she saw Clay. “By the way,” he said, “I think you look nice no matter what you wear.”

Her cheeks burned from the compliment, combined with the fact that he’d witnessed her humiliation. “Thanks.”

“See you at lunch?”

“Yeah, sure.” Liv watched him walk away.

Keira nudged her. “I told you he likes you.”

“He was just being nice.”

“Because he likes you.”

“Why would he like me?”

“Um, hello, because you’re super pretty, and you’ve got this whole mysterious vibe, kind of like Angelina Jolie, like you might have a vial of blood around your neck or something.”

A shudder ran through her at the mention of blood, though she tried to forget about it and focus on the rest of what Keira had said. “Angelina Jolie?” The name sounded so familiar. “Who is she again?”

“Hello! The movie star?” Keira stared, eyebrows scrunched together. “I can never tell if you’re joking.” She linked her arm in Liv’s and they started toward their lockers. Keira glanced over her shoulder, then leaned in and whispered, “Sabrina’s just jealous of all the attention you’re getting, since you’re the new pretty girl in town. She’ll thaw out in time. She just needs to get to know you.”

“I’m sure that’s it,” Liv said, even though she was thinking she wanted to keep her distance from Sabrina. Even the fringe of the group wasn’t as safe as she’d hoped it would be.

…

Powering through her lack of sleep hadn’t been too hard that morning, but the longer the day went on, the more she felt it. Even though she’d sworn to focus on the future, her mind wouldn’t shut down as she’d lain in bed last night, trying to fall asleep. It kept trying to find information—namely, information about Elizabeth—that just wasn’t there.

Then she’d had the weird…memory?…of collapsing in the kitchen, and the dream about the girl doing her math homework.

Since Liv didn’t have to work hard to keep up in algebra, she folded her arms across her desk and put her head down. If she wasn’t going to learn anything, she might as well take a short nap.

“Liv?” Mr. Walker’s voice echoed through the room. “Care to answer?”

When she’d laid her head on her desk, she didn’t realize it would attract attention. The math she knew, but now everyone was staring, and that made speaking difficult.

“Well, first off, I wouldn’t use that method.” She cleared her throat and tried to sound confident. “Polynomial division takes way too long. But if you’re looking for the answer, it’s two Y squared, plus three Y, plus one.”

“What method would you use?”

“Synthetic division.”

“That’s higher-level math.” Mr. Walker stepped up to her desk and tapped the top with two fingers. “Why don’t you see me after class. Now, let’s look at the next problem…”

Panic welled up in her. She’d never had to stay after class, but she knew it wasn’t a good thing.
Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

…

Rapid pulse pounding through her head, Liv approached Mr. Walker. “I’m sorry. I’ll never try to sleep again, and I’ll use whatever method you want, even if my mind automatically wants to use the other.” She glanced at the doorway, not liking the fact that she and Mr. Walker were now the only two people in the room. He seemed nice enough, but once again her dream came to her, the same panicky feeling the blond girl felt when she’d been cornered in the classroom now tightening her own chest.

“Relax, Liv.” Mr. Walker was known for being one of the scariest teachers in school—that’s what Keira had said, anyway. But he was smiling and his voice was calm. “I think you’re bored with the math we’re doing.”

“It’s just
so
basic.”

Mr. Walker handed a piece of paper to her.

Liv ran her eyes down the page.
Now this is more like it. Real math that takes a few minutes to analyze and tear apart.

Could you at least
try
to hide the fact that you’re such a nerd?

No way! I’m smart and that’s okay. Not all guys go for shallow idiots.

Yeah, nerdy guys.

Mr. Walker’s eyebrows rose as he looked at her. “So, how do those problems look to you?”

Liv shrugged. “Like fun?”

One placement test later, she was set to switch math classes. Starting tomorrow, she’d be in honors pre-calc.

Nerdy or not, she couldn’t wait.

8

One of Liv’s limited non-T-shirt tops was a s
hort-sleeved purple button-down. That morning she’d gone back and forth, debating whether she should wear something new or go for another T-shirt just to spite Sabrina. In the end, she decided if wearing a different style would keep her from snarky remarks, she’d conform. Just a little bit.

As she started up the stairs of the high school, she saw the two Goth girls who’d clashed with Sabrina huddled together in heavy discussion.

They eyed her with the same disdain they did Sabrina. “Just what we needed at this school,” the one with short hair said. “Another follower.”

Surely they’re not talking about me.

“Better run off to your queen,” the other girl said. “I’d hate for you to have to come up with your own ideas.”

“Me?” Liv asked, pointing to herself. “I like you guys. I’m all about girl power and being whoever you are and that kind of thing.”

The short-haired girl ran her eyes up and down her and gave a pointed look to her shirt. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Liv knew she shouldn’t care what two girls she didn’t even know thought about her. And it actually wasn’t even so much what they said but the fact that deep down, she knew she’d dressed up more for Sabrina than for herself.

Don’t worry about them. They look like death warmed over.

No, they look like they don’t want to be like everyone else.

Conforming to a different style is still conforming. Right now it’s about surviving high school. I can take a stand after I graduate.

If I still remember what I wanted to stand for after not using my brain for so long.

Liv squeezed her head, wishing she could push out the voices. Maybe it was time to see a psychiatrist? Only then Mom might pull her out of school, and she’d never have any hope of being normal. Or of being a strong person who made a difference.

“Ugh. Here comes the rest of the group.” The girl’s disgust was exaggerated and impossible to miss.

“Just ignore them,” her friend said, pulling her toward the entrance. “No sense in trying to talk to people who only care about being popular.”

Sabrina, Candace, and Taylor all slowed as they approached. Sabrina glanced at the Goth girls’ backs, then to Liv. “Are you friends with those guys?”

Here was her chance to say something—to show Sabrina she didn’t care what she thought. But instead she said, “I don’t really know them, but I don’t think they like me.”

“I don’t think they like anyone with an actual pulse.” Sabrina’s gaze flicked to Liv’s shirt. “Nice outfit, by the way. Glad to see you stepped out of your box.” Her inflection suggested it wasn’t a compliment. Sabrina shot her a tight smile, then stepped past, the two other girls in tow.

Suddenly she felt lost and alone, like she wanted to sit on the steps and cry. She hated that Sabrina obviously didn’t like her and hated even more that she cared.

I don’t want to be this girl anymore. I want to be me.

I just have to figure out who the hell that is first.

…

Keira’s face dropped. “You’re not going to be in algebra anymore? That totally sucks!”

Liv finished chewing her bite of roll and swallowed. “We’ll still have chemistry together.”

Sabrina leaned in to their conversation. “You know Keira’s
my
lab partner for chem, right?”

I’m so fed up with her and her bossy, better-than-everyone-else attitude. If it wasn’t for Keira, I wouldn’t still be sitting at this table.

“We can all get together and study, though,” Keira said, a big smile on her face. “Trust me, you want me as a study buddy, because I bring the best snacks.”

Sabrina looked at Keira, her eyes lingering on Keira’s stomach. “Maybe you should lay off the snacks.”

Smile fading, Keira glanced down, then set her fork on the table.

Without the slightest hint of remorse, Sabrina continued. “So Liv, if you want any more fashion advice, I’d be happy to help you out.”

Yeah, ’cause I’m just dying to look like Barbie. Seriously, she called, and she wants her outfits back.
Liv wished she had the guts to say it out loud. Even more, she wanted to tell Sabrina to leave Keira alone. Instead, she gritted her teeth and focused on her peas.

“What are we talking about over here?” Clay asked, scooting next to Liv.

“Boring stuff,” Liv said.

“If you’re involved, I doubt it’s boring.”

Sabrina rolled her eyes. “I think I’m about to lose my lunch.” She picked up her tray and walked away.

A crease formed between Clay’s eyebrows. “What’s her problem?”

Keira glanced around, then leaned in. “All I know is that Spencer’s in her class before lunch, and she’s always grouchy afterward.”

“She still hung up on Hale?”

“Hale?” Liv asked.

“Spencer Hale. Sabrina’s been even bitchier since he dumped her.”

For once, the topic they were discussing over lunch actually interested her. “How long ago was that?”

“Beginning of the summer,” Keira said. “He dumped her about the same time he stopped talking to everyone else.”

Liv looked to the spot where Spencer always sat. As usual, his headphones were in, and no one else was near him. And as usual, her stomach flipped as she looked at him.

“It’s a shame. He used to be cool.” Clay nudged her. “Enough about him. We’ve only got a few minutes to kill before class. Entertain me.”

“Me?” Liv shook her head. “I’m more of a listener.”

“Well, how do you feel about knock-knock jokes?”

Liv shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

“Knock, knock.” He stared at her, eyebrows raised, for several seconds. “You say who’s there.”

“But I don’t know. You’re the one telling the joke.”

Keira laughed, and she wondered what she was missing. “Are you being funny,” Keira said once she got her laughter under control, “or do you seriously not know what a knock-knock joke is?”

“I guess I’ve never heard one before.”

“Where’d you grow up?” Clay asked with a laugh. “The North Pole?”

Liv looked from his amused face to Keira’s.
No, but if everyone keeps looking at me like I’m crazy, I might just have to move there.

…

Liv hoped her new, higher-level math class would be the pickup she needed after this wretched day. She knew what a joke was, but the whole knock-knock thing? Not in her memory at all. It was like when she couldn’t think of the word
napkin
last night and Mom and Dad stared at her with concern in their eyes. Another reason she didn’t want to tell them forgetting a word was the least of her problems.

Keira had giggled as she explained the whole knock-knock setup. Then, after all that, the punch line ended up being:
No, dogs bark, owls who
. It wasn’t even funny, so they shouldn’t bother calling it a joke.

I’m sick of feeling stupid.

Liv glanced at the numbers next to the doors.
Room 112. This is it.

She hovered outside the door. Each new class had been hard enough—deciding where to sit, making introductions, getting used to the teacher’s method of teaching. And now, since it was four days into the semester, she also had to worry about taking someone else’s seat.

Footsteps approached and she automatically turned.

Spencer’s eyebrows drew together. “You’re still lost?” He sighed. “What’s the name of the class you’re supposed to be in and I’ll tell you where to go.”

I’ll tell
you
where to go.

Sometimes she hated the random thoughts that popped into her head. But that one, she liked. If only she had the guts to say it aloud.

He sighed again, like he was completely put out by her being there. “Come on, the bell’s going to ring and we’ll both be late.”

Liv tilted her head toward the classroom. “I go to this class.”

“I think you’re confused.” He spoke slowly, enunciating the words like he thought she was stupid. “This is honors pre-calc.”

“And you’re in it?” she asked, her anger growing. She’d had enough of this guy and his attitude.

“Yeah.”

“So you’ve got to be smart to be in it?”

Spencer shrugged. “I guess some people would say that. You’ve got to have a good grasp of math, anyway.”

Liv glared into that cute, smug face of his, and for the first time felt more irritation than attraction. “So you’re implying that I’m not smart enough to be in here?”

“No. I just know you weren’t in here before, and that you were lost a few days ago.”

“Right. On my
first
day. You think that after three days I’m still confused?” She crossed her arms. “The insults just keep on coming.”

Frustration filled his features, and she thought it was about time she’d gotten one on him. “I wasn’t trying to insult you. Man, you’re sensitive.”

“Maybe that’s because you treat me like I’m an idiot.”

“It’s not… I wasn’t saying… Look, I think that we—”

“You need some help with those sentences? Believe it or not, I’m pretty good at English, too.” Okay, that was a stretch. Mom always corrected her grammar. Still, it had the desired effect. The stunned look on his face was priceless.

The seats in the classroom were almost full now. Liv walked in and took one, deciding she didn’t care if it was someone else’s. She was claiming it.

When Spencer walked in, he didn’t so much as glance her way.

…

Liv sat down on the bench outside the school to wait for Mom.
The Great Gatsby
was assigned reading, so she decided to start on it.

Cars came and went until the place was mostly deserted.

“What are you doing?”

Liv looked up and saw Spencer. The same irritation she’d felt toward him earlier that day rose to the surface again. “Why? Are you surprised I can read?”

“Never mind,” he muttered, heading toward the bike rack. He unlocked a silver bike, throwing it around like it had done something to offend him, and rolled it past her.

She tried to keep her eyes on her book, but watching him walk away was a hard habit to break.

He hesitated, glanced over his shoulder, then propped the bike against the end of the bench and sat next to her. “I’m sorry, okay. I guess I judged you a little bit because of the way you look.”

Liv crossed her arms and glared at him. “And how do I look?”

“Like a snobby, pretty girl who’d fit in with the popular crowd.”

That hadn’t been what she’d expected him to say. She looked away, somehow feeling embarrassed, insulted, and flattered, all at the same time. “Oh.”

“You waiting for a ride?”

She licked her suddenly dry lips. “Yeah. I’m, um, not sure how long I’ll have to sit here. My mom’s got a cooking class, and she’s going to pick me up when it’s over.”

He nodded. Tapped his fingers on the bench. Seemed to struggle with what to say to that. Liv wished he’d figure something out, because she didn’t want him to go, yet didn’t trust her limited conversation skills to say something herself.

“There’s this place near the football field that’s got some good places to jump. Since I had to bring the bike today, I figured I might as well do some riding.” He twisted toward her. “You want to come down and ride with me while you wait? It’s better than pretending you’re really into reading…” He flipped her book up to look at the cover. “Yeah, it’ll definitely be more fun than reading that.”

“I don’t know if I
can
ride a bike.” Liv lowered her gaze to her lap, feeling stupid again.

Spencer threw his hands in the air. “Okay, I get it, I was wrong about you. You’re smart; you know how to do things.”

“No, I mean I really don’t know. It’s…hard to explain.”

“Now who’s calling who stupid?” He grinned at her. She hadn’t seen him smile like that before. It definitely looked good on him. And it made her chest feel all tingly.

“What I’m trying to say is, I never learned.” That seemed better than admitting she might’ve learned but didn’t remember.

“How can you have not learned to ride a bike? It’s a rite of passage for a kid. It’s up there with Happy Meals from McDonald’s, going to the park—all that stuff.” He raised an eyebrow. “You’ve done
that
stuff, right?”

Liv shrugged. She could say yes, but she was sick of trying to keep track of all the lies and constantly holding back. She wasn’t exactly ready to reveal the truth, though, either.

“Come on, then,” Spencer said.

“Come on, then, what?”

He stood and grabbed his bike. “Let’s see if you can ride.”

“No, thanks.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to fall on my face, and my mom will be here any minute, and if she sees me riding a bike, she’ll freak out.”

He studied her for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah. It’s all starting to make sense now.”

She lowered her eyebrows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re one of those.”

“One of whats? Why do you say everything in code?”

“It’s probably for the best anyway.” Gripping the handles, he straddled the bike. “I guess I’ll see you in class.”

Liv watched him ride the bike away. It looked simple, and she regretted not giving it a shot. His voice ran over and over through her head.
You’re one of those.