All Roads Lead Home (17 page)

They all want me back, but the one I truly need to hear from can’t tell me.
I passed Wendy’s house on my way out of town. I almost stopped to talk to her, but I was being led in another direction. I knew where I had to be and hopefully would find the answers I need.

I parked my truck and hiked up the hill to see the beautiful panoramic view of King Mountain. I knelt down on the cold hard ground. This would be my first time here since I lost him.

“Hi Jamie.” I whispered, as I brushed the fallen snow off his stone.

“HI, JAMIE. SO I’m following part of your letter. You have to realize how hard this is for me to be here, knowing where you are. I’m sure you already knew when you were writing your letters to me that I would eventually end up here.”

“Please understand that I didn’t stay away all of these years because I was punishing mama and daddy. It was more like punishing myself. I know I’ve hurt them with my distance, but what was I to do, Jamie? I already made so many mistakes. The way I hurt Shane and Jagger was the beginning of the end. I think back now on how I could have compromised and gone to a different school to stay closer to Jagger, but it was never about leaving him, it was more about me experiencing life away from the ranch.”

“You know I loved the ranch, but I also wanted more beyond the life I was born into. I never knew how much my choice hurt others around me until mama’s phone call to me last week. Now I’m home, where they say I belong, and the life I was leading back in New York is on a permanent time-out until I figure out what to do next. I can’t stay here, Jamie. I just can’t leave the career I’ve worked so hard for to just walk away from it. I have built a life there for myself, and I’m not a hundred percent sure if I want to walk away from all of that. Don’t you think if I wanted this picturesque life here in Wyoming, then I would have come back way sooner than now?”

“Jamie, I sit at Jagger’s bedside day in and day out, waiting for some kind of sign that he knows I’m there. It’s been over a week Jamie, and he is showing no sign of waking up. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, brother. I know you are disappointed in the choices I’ve made, but they were mine to make and there’s no point of regretting them now. It’s just too late. Mama wants me to stay on through the holidays, but I’m not sure. Not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, big brother, but being back home has shown me one thing. I have to re-join the land of the living. I’m nearly thirty years old, and I’m alone. I won’t sit here and tell you that my career is enough, because that would be a lie.”

“I want a family to call my own someday, I just don’t know if that family is with Jagger. Too many years have gone by, and he deserves to be happy and loved by someone who loves him above anyone or anything. I’m just not sure if I’m that person. You know Jamie, this would be a good time to show me a sign that you’re listening to me.”

“You’re the right person,” I heard from behind me.

“Holy shit!!! Wendy!!! You have to stop sneaking up behind me like that! My heart can’t take it.”

“Oh, Tumbleweed, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I saw you pass by, and I just had a feeling where you might be headed. I took a chance and here you are.”

“So, are you my sign from Jamie? You seem to be his messenger these days.”

“I can be anything you want me to be, but I’ll settle for friend for now. You are struggling so much, and you don’t have to be. You came home. You made amends the best way you could, and you’ve been with Jagger. No one could really ask or expect much more from you.”

“Seriously? You don’t really believe that? I know my coming home is based on so much more than you just said. Wendy, a few conversations with mama and daddy is not making amends, it’s a first step. As for Jagger, I guess I didn’t turn out to be the saving grace everyone was hoping for. You had to see his parents yesterday. They were going on and on about Christmas, and how great it’s going to be to have me here. I’m so torn between my past and my present, my head is spinning. Everyone around me has hope, and I get within five feet of Jagger, and I’m just lost in his proximity. I’m flooded with sweet memories of us together. It takes all my strength not to shake him to wake up. Wendy, please tell me what to do.”

“What’s your heart telling you?”

“It’s screaming from the Teton Mountains to fight for him this time.”

“I do believe you have your answer, Tumbleweed. And you know what?”

“What is it?”

“I think it’s high time we stop calling you Tumbleweed.”

“Why do you say that? It was Jamie’s name for me.”

“Did you ever consider why that is?”

“Gee, Wendy, I don’t know. We live in Wyoming. I thought growing up it was a cute name, and because they used it in a loving manner toward me, it stuck.”

“Well, it may have served a purpose at one time, but not anymore. Some would argue that the term is meant to have no purpose. You travel down any given road the wind takes you. You see? It doesn’t suit you anymore because for the first time since Jamie died, you are on the right road. The road that brought you home. The road that led you back to your family. The road that led you back to the one you love. The road that led you back here to this very place you ran from. Don’t you see, Tenley? All roads lead home
.
You just needed a little reminding, that’s all. Get out of your analytical mind and just listen to your heart. It’s a good one that has been alone for too long now. You are a beautiful, smart, and incredibly accomplished young woman. We are so proud of you, but we also worry for you. If you can tell me that with all I’ve said here, is just an old woman hearing herself talk, then the subject is closed and we shall not speak of it again.”

“You’re not wrong, Wendy. It’s me who’s been wrong. How do I fix it?”

“I think you already know that answer. You don’t need me to tell you. Just listen to your heart. It knows what to do. Come on now, it’s cold up here, and I’m fixing to get some hot chocolate.”

“I think I need something a bit stronger than that. Can you give me a few more minutes up here? I’ll meet you back at your place.”

“Okay, honey, be safe. It’s beginning to get dark, and these hills are treacherous.”

“I may live in New York, but I haven’t forgotten my country.”

“Well, thank goodness for that. I do believe you’ve seen the light.”

“I love you, Wendy.”

“I love you more,” she said as she walked away.

“You heard all of that, right? Jamie, I can’t promise you a happy ending for Jagger and me. It’s complicated, and we have a lot to make up for. And that’s only if he’s willing to try with me. I can promise you this: I will for once in my life lead with my heart. I’ll try. That’s really the best I can promise you right now. Up to a week ago, I thought I had it all figured out, and now I’m here and my world is turned upside down. I know you’re smiling, maybe even smirking. You always knew me better than I knew myself. You were downright irritating at times, but I would give anything to have you here with me now. I will love you forever and always keep you in my heart. I have to go now, but I’ll be back with mama and daddy. I do believe that’s another request of yours. I won’t let you down this time.”

As I began to make my way down the hill, a gust of wind blew in my direction and showers of snow swept over my face. I looked up to heaven and smiled up at Jamie.

“I did ask for a sign, right? Better late than never. I love you big brother!”

Although I was staying back at the ranch, I felt I hadn’t been home in days. I’d been sitting vigil with Jagger and just going home to change clothes. I knew I needed a change of scenery, so I phoned my parents to meet me over at Wendy’s. She had a glass of her favorite brandy waiting for me and a blazing fire to warm the house. I was cold and wet from sitting on the ground in front of Jamie’s grave. Mom was bringing me fresh clothes to change into.

I cozied myself in Wendy’s oversized chair she kept near the fireplace. She liked to sit here and read her romance novels. She, after all, was the one that got me into reading. We would sit for hours and just laugh over all of the hot men in the books. I used to tease her all the time that I didn’t need to fantasize over a fictional character when I had the reality with Jagger.

I must have fallen asleep by the time mama and daddy arrived.

“Hey, my sweet girl, wake up now.” I stirred to my father’s voice. He was so incredibly handsome. He was wearing his wranglers with a red plaid shirt, boots, and to complete his look, his black Stetson hat.

“Hi, daddy. Mama is going to have to hog tie you down around the other ladies tonight. She can’t take you anywhere without women swooning over you.”

“Oh, my darling daughter. You are good for an old man’s ego, but the only swooning I want is from your lovely mother. And don’t count your mama out. She’s a looker, but lucky for me, she’s all mine.”

“That I am, Brock, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Well that’s good to hear, wife, because you’re stuck with me.”

Oh, how I had missed their banter with one another. They loved each other so much, it was a crazy, out of this world love, and they still went at each other as if they were teenagers.
I want that. I want what my parents have.

“Are we eating, or what?” my father asked.

“Yes, daddy, we are. Can you give me a few minutes to shower and change?”

“You have fifteen minutes.”

“Seriously, Brock! I can barely wash my hair in that amount of time.” My mother said, as she kissed my cheek.

“Time’s a wasting. Go daughter…now!”

I laughed all the way up to Wendy’s bathroom.
For the first time in a long time, I felt really good to just let go and see where the wind takes me. Not like a no direction Tumbleweed, but for the first time, feeling some peace for a change. Yeah, I like that.

We dined over at daddy’s favorite cowboy bar and restaurant. They had all of his favorites on the menu that he really shouldn’t be eating, but he said indulging once in a while won’t hurt. We took separate cars on account that I wanted to visit Jagger after dinner. It would be beyond visiting hours, but Shirley had made me up a special visitors pass. Mr. Parrish also listed me as family.

I wasn’t a rule breaker and didn’t want to cause any trouble, but I was also secretly happy to be able to come and go and have access to Jagger.

“I’m stuffed. Daddy, those ribs were huge. How many did you eat?”

“Too many to count, so don’t ask. Thank you, Tenley, for today.”

“No worries, daddy. It’s just dinner.”

“No, I don’t mean dinner, I meant to say thank you for visiting with your brother today. Judging by the condition of your clothes when we arrived at Wendy’s, I figured you went up there.”

My mother was quiet, but peace was written all over her face. She held my father’s hand and listened as my father spoke to me.

“It’s not an easy place to be, and I get that. In the beginning, I did everything in my power to evade that place. I didn’t want my boy to be there, but I knew his precious soul was already in heaven and it was his body that now has returned to the earth. Are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?” Daddy asked.

“Do you mean the letter?”

“Yes. Wendy dropped it off while you were riding this morning and instructed me to give it to you.”

“I’m okay daddy, but thank you for asking. I’m trying to understand what was going through Jamie’s mind while writing those letters to me. Jamie asked me to visit and to bring you two with me. While I was there, I promised I would return with you soon.”

“We will be ready when you are. Your brother loved you very much. I don’t have the why to his reasons for the letters, but it’s clear that your brother was thinking of you and your future happiness to the very end. We love you so much, daughter. Please understand that in our darkest hours of grief, if you ever felt that we pushed you away for any reason, I am truly sorry for that. You are our child, no matter how old you are. Grief can cripple one’s soul, and it did for your mother and me for a while, but we forged ahead, and never considered how you were affected by his loss. Sure, I knew to some degree. Hell, I was the one that put you on the bus. But sweetie, I thought I was doing the right thing by you. I supported your choice of law school because we always wanted to give you anything you wanted. If I could, I would have kept you home with us.”

“Daddy, where is all of this coming from? It’s done.”

“It’s not done until I tell you the last part.”

“When you were accepted into Yale Law School. I thought my heart was going to burst with joy. I was so proud of you. We were so damn proud of you. Our baby girl was going to be a lawyer. Of course, I panicked at the sheer thought of you being so far away, but your brother convinced me to support you and ultimately let you go. I’m sorry I kept his worsening condition from you. He begged me not to tell you his secret, and all I could do was give him what he wanted. I suspect it may be one of the reasons why you never returned home up to now. Jamie’s funeral was a complete blur, so I’m counting this as your first time home.”