All of me (20 page)

His eyes find mine and I smile, he grasps
my face lightly and whispers, ‘I am so, so sorry I wasn’t here,’ kissing me
gently.  His eyes locate the incubator and I notice tears appear, ‘is he ok?’
he tests, and I nod.  He looks perfect apart from a slight yellow tinge in his
skin tone.

‘Yes, he is jaundiced so will have to go
under a lamp for a couple of days, the only reason he is in here is he is
struggling a little to keep his temperature stabilized, but he is good.’ I
reassure him.

‘And you? I hear he made an impatient
arrival,’ he looks confused.

‘Yes, a bit sore I had a few stitches,’ I
murmur, he strokes my face.

‘I am sorry Emily, I cannot believe I
missed it.  You needed me and I wasn’t here,’ he is mad.

‘I had Lucy, although I don’t think she
wants to be pregnant anymore,’ I grin and his lip tilts slightly, ‘hey, this is
supposed to be a joyous event,’ I frown, ‘why the sad face?’

‘Not now,’ he looks away to George, ‘can I
touch him?’

I stand precariously and allow him to sit,
the nurse arrives and suggests he can hold George for a short while, ‘I am not
being fresh with you, daddy,’ she calls to Matt ‘but premature babies like to
feel skin, so if you want to undo your shirt and pop him against you, it will
keep him warm.’ Matt’s eyebrows hit the roof before he complies and unclasps
his shirt pulling it aside, I grin at him wiggling my eyebrows before reality
hits and I stop immediately, he certainly isn’t going anywhere near there for a
while!

‘Where’s my camera?’ I mutter quietly at
the vision before me. The nurse brings out a Polaroid camera and snaps a
picture of my handsome boyfriend, with our son curled against his chest.  I
wipe a tear grabbing the photo towards my chest, I will remember this always. 
Matt regards me gently his eyes sparkling with emotion, ‘I love you,’ he calls,
I think he is talking to George but his eyes are on mine.

I smile at him, ‘whatever the future brings,
just be assured I love you too,’ I whisper, no matter what, he needs to know I
love him with all my heart. I have only confirmed it once to him, the previous
time I was in the hospital since then neither of us have mentioned the L word.
He observes me a frown appearing on his face.

‘Why, what is going to happen Emily?’

‘Nothing,’ I murmur, ‘I just need for you
to know how I feel,’ I blush and he sends me an unconvincing smile.

********

The following morning George is returned to
me, his small body wriggling under a blue lamp with his tiny eyes covered by
eye pads.  I am exhausted, despite the short labor, but more settled now he is
beside me.

Matt had remained until he was ordered to
leave the night previous, but insisted he would be back early this morning. 
There is an undercurrent of tension between us, but we are obviously both biding
our time to address the elephant in the room.

When Matt arrives, I take a shower.  He
appears even quieter this morning, which puts me on edge.  I feel brighter
after a shower however, and sit up on the bed watching George wriggle about
under the light.

‘You ok, how you feeling?’ Matt asks
gently.

‘Fine thank you, I just want to get him
home now, you ok?’ I probe, and he nods.

‘Why are you sad Matt, I thought this is
what you wanted?’ I scowl, ‘it feels like you aren’t happy about the baby’s
arrival,’ my cautious eyes plead into his.

‘Of course, I am exultant that the baby has
arrived healthy,’ he utters, ‘I am not overjoyed with the fact that I wasn’t there
for you Emily. Once again, I feel I have missed out, you had to yet again do
something huge alone, or with Lucy,’ he shrugs before his eyes find mine.

‘It wasn’t my fault Matt, I couldn’t
control labor we attempted to call you!’ I sigh, ‘I knew you would be mad,’ I
shake my head.  ‘I just cannot do anything right, it seems.’ Tears form in my
eyes.

‘I am not mad…..George Matthew Taylor?’ he
murmur, noticing the blue card on the crib, ‘I assumed he would take my name.’

‘They automatically did that, I didn’t
inform them of anything,’ my eyes find the crib, ‘he can take your name,’ I
assure him.

‘I saw what you had on the computer screen,’
he proclaims suddenly.

Ah it all makes sense now, ‘ok,’ I answer,
my insides churning, is he going to announce he wants custody of George?  ‘You
cannot have him Matt,’ I sob, emotion bubbling up from within.

‘No Emily,’ he sits on the bed holding my
hand, ‘that isn’t my intention, I promise you.’

‘You are attempting to take him away from
me?’ I am crying yet again and grab a tissue from the side, ‘I will be a good
mum please don’t take him away?’ I beg him.

‘Emily listen to me, I looked into the
parental order to stop you taking him away from me!’ he is kissing my face, ‘I
would never do that to you.’

‘I thought we were going to do it together,’
I sob.

‘We are! We are Emily, I did this before
you moved in, just to ensure me contact to my son,’  he pulls me to him, ‘marry
me Emily, let us be the only one the other needs in the world and stop all
these insecurities.’

I cry harder and he tips my face, ‘marry me,
make me the happiest man in the world, we can have other babies and I can be present
for you at the birth.’

He moves a hand inside his jacket and
brings out a small box, ‘look, I had it planned. I was going to propose once
you had given birth, but I wasn’t here,’ he opens the box and brings out a
beautiful diamond ring. ‘Marry me,’ he repeats kissing me over and over, ‘marry
me, please Emily?’ and I nod, as he wipes the tears away, ‘is that a yes?’

‘Yes,’ I cry and he places the ring on my
finger, kissing me thoroughly.  A small cry comes from the crib and we both
face our son.  I press the buzzer and the nurse appears, ‘are you ok, Miss
Taylor?’ she takes in my tear stained face and I nod.

‘She is going to marry me,’ Matt informs
her, she grins.

‘If I had a pound…..’ She mumbles as she
switches the lamp off, handing me my baby boy to feed.

‘So what happened Emily?’ Matt is fuming,
‘what did you say to her?’

‘Calm down,’ I warn him, rocking George in
my arms.  We had been home from the hospital for two days and already we were
bickering, ‘just let me put George down and we can talk.’ I wander into the
living area and place our son in a small crib, returning to the conservatory.

‘I am not in the mood for an argument, Matt.’
I pre-warn him.

‘I just need to understand why my mum
refuses to visit, she asked me to speak to you,’ he is attempting to calm.

‘Do you trust me Matt?’ I reply, my insides
raging.

‘Yes but…’

‘No, no buts,’ I scold, ‘two days we have
been home….’

‘Yes,’ he stops, his lips forming a thin
line.

‘Then please trust that I have done nothing
to offend your mum, we did exchange a few words but I had your best interests
at heart.’

‘What did you say to her?’ he questions
gently.

‘Why, straight away do you assume it is
me?’ I fume, ‘your mother is as outspoken as I, why does it not occur to you
that she hurt my feelings? So much for us against the world!’

He runs his hands over his head in a sign
of agitation, before holding his hands up in a defensive gesture, ‘I am going for
a workout,’ he exits the room and I sigh. 

I move into the Lounge, curling into the
corner of the huge soft, sofa. I have angry tears rolling down my cheeks with
the frustration of the situation.  Why doesn’t he trust me?  He is supposed to
have faith in me, in us! I am shattered, sore and hungry. I turn into the
cushions, sleep consuming me immediately.

I awake to someone touching my face, I turn
my heavy eyes to meet Matt’s.

‘Hey,’ he whispers gently.

‘Hi,’ I croak.

‘I am sorry,’ he kisses my forehead, ‘I
keep letting you down, don’t I?’

I shrug my body awakening to my environment,
I stretch stiffly my eyes flying to the crib in the corner where I notice a
clenched hand bobbing around. 

‘He’s fine,’ Matt assures me, ‘are you
hungry?’

I nod and he sits beside me bringing me
into his arms my head on his chest, I sigh my arms wrapping around him.

‘I bought Chinese,’ he mumbles, stroking my
back. 

‘I can’t do this Matt,’ I mumble after a
considerable amount of time.

‘Yes you can, we are just adjusting to one
another,’ he informs me sternly.

‘I have to be able to be myself,’ I whisper,
‘I cannot worry continuously whether, what I say or do, is going to distress
you.  If you love me, you have to love all of me, not just the good bits.’

‘I do love all of you,’ he insists, ‘every
single bit!’

‘No, you don’t. You don’t trust in us, you
are just waiting for me to fail. It is important for me, especially with my
past, to have a stable background for George.’

‘What are you talking about Emily? We are
engaged, we are going to be married,’ he sterns as I feel his body tensing
around me, ‘you agreed.’

‘I want, so much, to marry you.  But I feel
as if I am under a spotlight, that every decision I make is being judged to the
point that I am doubting myself and my actions.’

‘That’s not so Emily, I have but two people
in this world that I love….actually make that three,’ his eyes flicker to the
corner, where a small sound similar to that of a kitten is emerging, ‘I just
want so much for us all to be a family.’

‘I would expect no less of you Matt, but
you have to believe in me.  Why would I upset your mum knowingly, aware of how
you care about her not to mention her medical condition?’ I shock.

He remains silent for a while, the only
sound remaining being the increasing baby chat of George, I stand and move over
gazing down at my son.  I love him so much that I feel an ache in my heart, I
bend and scoop him up bringing him close to my chest, inhaling the soft smell
closing my eyes savoring the moment.

  ‘I understand why you felt you had to get
the parental order for George, for your own peace of mind.  We should, however,
have discussed it rather than you concealing it which provoked my insecurity in
you attempting to gain custody of George.  I had no father in my life, I would
never, ever want that for George.  Your mum stripped you of your father I
realize that but you have to know Matt that I would never deny you of a son,
just as I would never deprive George of a father.’

I turn to face him and he is behind me, ‘is
that what you fought over?’ he strokes Georges head.

‘We didn’t fight Matt, I just enquired as
to why you didn’t have contact with your dad and she said it was better that
way.  I think where she became defensive is when I asked for whom it was better?’
my eyes find his and realization dawns in his face.

‘I thought he didn’t wish to see me,’ he
murmurs quietly, lifting George from my arms and carefully placing him over his
shoulder, his hand precariously on the back of his head.  George wriggles for a
bit before settling into his dad’s neck.

‘Maybe that was so, but your mum should
have attempted to reconcile you instead of deciding her life would be unpleasant
being reminded on a regular basis that he rejected her for his wife.’ I utter.

His eyes remain tense but relax as George
begins to fidget, ‘ok son,’ he whispers against his head.

‘He needs a feed,’ I interrupt our
conversation.

‘So do you,’ he reminds me, ‘you should use
the breast pump and express a few bottles, so that you can rest occasionally
and allow me to feed him.’

‘Ok, I will try,’ I murmur, disgusted by
the contraption but good sense suggesting it may be worthwhile.

I settle at the table while the baby
suckles on my tender nipple, Matt fetches in a bowl of Chicken Chow Mein and a
glass of water and sits adjacent to me.

‘You sore?’ he questions at my wincing
face.

‘Yes,’ I murmur, ‘everywhere,’ I add.

‘It’s only been a week Emily give yourself
time, express a bottle later and get a good night sleep, I will sort George out.’

I nod.

‘You know how much I love you don’t you?’ he
mumbles, my eyes remain on George digesting his words, before I glance up.

‘And I you,’ I smile my heart flip flopping
as the realization hits at the depth of his love for me.

His eyes soften, ‘we are both tired,’ he
strokes my face, ‘I am sorry about attacking you regarding mum, you are right I
should have more faith in your intentions and I will, I promise from hereon in. 
But none of this separate anything’s now, we are a unit you hear?’  I nod, ‘we
are going to argue Emily, it is in our personalities we will battle against one
another but that doesn’t mean it is going to end.  It purely means we are
learning things about each other.’

‘Ok,’ I whisper as he leans in and kisses
me gently.