All New People (6 page)

Emma
      God, people are so twisted aren't they?

Kim
      What do you mean?

Emma
      Sweetheart, if someone's got the money . . . they can own you and do whatever they want to you. And I'm sorry, but that just makes me sad. In fact, the only thing that makes me sadder than that . . . is how busy you probably are . . .

Kim
      Jeez, you make it sound so horrible. I think some people are just kinky fucks who ended up in a society where they're not allowed to be as twisted as they want to be. So they hold down all the things they lust for as much as they can, but sometimes it's just too hard. Did you ever see that movie The Ten Commandments with the guy who loves guns as Moses?

Myron
      Charlton Heston.

Kim
      Right. Well we had to watch that movie every Easter at my house. And when the guy who loves guns goes up to get the ten commandments, there's like this major fun party going on at the bottom of Mount Sinus. People are drinking and screwing and dancing. It's like a fucking rave. To me as a kid, it always looked like so much fun. Maybe God didn't fully understand what he created. I know with my
Sims
for example, they got super into playing darts. I had nothing to do with that; I fucking hate darts. But I created them and then they got into their own thing. Maybe we're really supposed to be free and crazy and sometimes a little twisted. Charlton Moses shouldn't have been so mad just 'cause they wanted to party.

Charlie
      He was mad that they were worshiping an idol.

Kim
      What?

Charlie
      The party you didn't want to end was to worship a statue of a cow. Moses comes down from the mountain and he's so pissed that they're all worshiping this cow statue, that he drops the commandments and kills the 3,000 people at your party. It's kind of funny actually; the poor guy's exhausted; he's been sleeping on the side of a cliff for forty days and he's all ready to tell everybody, ‘Hey guys, this just
in: thou shalt not kill.' But he gets so pissed off about the worshiping of the idol that he brutally slaughters 3,000 people in the name of the very God that had just told him not to.

Kim
      Buzzkill.

Emma
      Bible scholar?

Charlie
      Hebrew school. Most of the kids stuck to the coloring book version; I actually read the damn thing. God has a temper.

Emma
      For someone who doesn't particularly like God, you certainly know a lot about him.

Charlie
      God, the character in the book, is vengeful and angry.

Emma
      Do you ever talk to God, Charlie?

Charlie
      I'm tired of this. I'm gonna go upstairs.

Myron
      No you're not. We're not letting you out of our sight. We've been good to you. We've kept you outta the padded room. I think you owe us an explanation.

Charlie
      I don't owe you anything! I don't even know who the fuck you people are! As far as I can tell you're just a sad bunch of drug addicts, who refuse to leave me alone!

Myron
      What kind of people would we be if we let you kill yourself?! And don't you think it's odd that you chose one of the most desolate places on the eastern seaboard to end your life and within seconds of you standing on that chair, there was someone knocking on the door to stop you.

Charlie
      It was a coincidence; not divine intervention!

Myron
      And then me and then Kim. Open your fucking eyes, man! We're here!

With a sound cue, scrim panels slide in and cover the entire stage. A pre-shot video is projected on the front of the scrim.

Myron
sits across the desk from
Ramona
,
a school principal.

Ramona
      I got a call this morning, Myron, from an angry parent. Not unusual. In my position, someone's always upset. What I'm not used to, is this particular complaint. Do you have a Facebook account, Myron?

Myron
      I do. (
Beat
.) I use it to keep track of all my kids. I think it's very useful to see what they're all up to? Keep an eye on them, if you will.

Ramona
      Uh huh. And did you use this . . . social networking . . . device to contact some of your students; to ask them about a cast party?

Myron
      Hmmm. You know I don't really recall.

Ramona
      Well, let me help you jog your memory. Did you attend a cast party at Ryan Freedman's house in which over sixty-five of our students were drinking and consuming narcotics?

Myron
      Ryan Freedman. He's the adopted Filipino kid who plays the mascot?

Ramona
      Yes, Ryan plays ‘Scalpy the Native American' for the football team.

Myron
      I thought the school board was gonna change his name to something more P.C. than ‘Scalpy the Indian'.

Ramona
      Don't change the subject, Myron; you know very well I fielded all those complaints and negotiated with the alumni and that's why we've renamed him ‘Scalpy the
Native American
'.

Myron
      Yes, but he's still a scalper. I mean he's still running around with a plastic sickle trying to scalp the other teams' mascots . . .

Ramona
      Myron. Are these not pictures on Facebook of you snorting a line of cocaine with members of the student body?

Myron
looks at
Ramona
's computer screen. We see a close-up of a photo of him snorting lines with a student in a ‘Scalpy' mascot costume.

Myron
      I'm not gonna lie. That guy does look a lot like me; a really fucked-up version of me. But I have a common look. No one's ever told me I look like the same celebrity. I get everything from Iggy Pop to Morgan Freeman. Are there any other angles?

She clicks through multiple pictures of him doing drugs with students.

Ramona
      You're on fucking Facebook snorting cocaine with your students! Are you out of your mind?! Are you an insane person?

Myron
thinks.

Myron
      They're happy. It's nice to be around them. Everyone my age is so miserable. I mean have you ever sat in the teachers' lounge? A conversation about anything instantaneously devolves into complaining about everything. (
Beat.
) When I was in college, people used to cheer when I walked into the room. We belly laughed. We were silly. I miss that. These kids are my friends. (
Beat.
) What a shame.

Ramona
      You should have bought a cat. You're fired.

Lights up behind the scrim panels as they slide out.

Emma
      OK, everybody take a deep breath. Myron, you taught drama for ten years. Can't you put on some type of show or something. Provide some bloody entertainment for Charlie's party.

Kim
      Dance like Usher!

Myron
      I'm not a fucking court jester. I'm a public servant. I need to retain my dignity.

Myron
snorts a line of coke.

Emma
      But it might be nice for Charlie's birthday party if you could quote something beautiful; something that might remind him of the sanctity of life etcetera.

Myron
      The ‘
sanctity of life etcetera
'? Let me see what I have stored on that subject . . .

Charlie
      That's okay. I'm alright.

Myron
      What's your pleasure, birthday boy? Molière, Stoppard, Pinter?

Charlie
      Please don't do me any favors.

Myron
      It would be my honor to perform for the king of the castle. What is your pleasure, good sir?

Kim
      Come on, Charlie.

Emma
      Come on, don't be shy.

Charlie
(
beat
)      In high school we put on a production of
The Merchant of Venice
.

Myron
      Elizabethan anti-Semitism; that's light and fun. Who did you play?

Charlie
      I didn't. I was on the lighting crew. My job was to keep a spotlight focused on this handicapped kid that was playing . . . what's the main character's name? Sherlock?

Myron
      Yes, Sherlock, part-time money-lender, part-time Jewish detective. (
Beat.
) Shylock.

Charlie
      Yeah well whatever. I remember being so moved by the balls of this kid rolling around the stage in his electric wheelchair saying this poetry about how he was human too. I mean I know the lines were about a Jewish guy and everything, but night after night, I followed him with this spotlight as he rolled around the stage, and I got tears in my eyes every time. For him it was about being this totally normal person who was like . . . trapped in this costume of a freak; trying to use the poetry to scream out at the world like ‘I'm human too . . . I'm in here . . . Can you hear me?' you know?

Emma
      Give us a little Shylock, Myron. It's his birthday. Show us what you've got.

Myron
      It's been a very long time.

Emma
      Just a lil sampler . . . A Shylock sampler platter . . .

Kim
      Yes, please! For Charlie . . . I'll make it worth your while!

Myron
      Elaborate my dear.

Kim
      You can feel my tits.

Myron
      Under the bra.

Kim
      Bra? Who wears bras? What is this, a wedding?

Myron
      Done and done. Here, Charlie; focus your spotlight on this . . .

He hands
Charlie
a flashlight from his belt.
Emma
dims the lights.
Charlie
shines the light on
Myron
,
casting a giant distorted shadow of him on the back wall.

Myron
(
he does the following quite well
)      Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

He takes a bow as the three of them applaud.
Emma
returns the lights to normal.

Emma
      Bravo.

Kim
      That was so beautiful.

Myron
      I still got it. Not much demand for Billy Shakes down at the firehouse. My prize?

Emma
      You don't have to let him . . .

Kim
      It's OK, Emma, I'm a woman of my word. Just don't go crazy.

Kim
stands in front of
Myron
.
Myron
puts his hands up her shirt and grabs her breasts.

Myron
      Dear God.

Kim
      Your hands are cold.

Myron
      Sweetheart, shhh; I'm on the phone with God. So this is what perfect breasts feel like. I've always wondered.

Kim
      They're real too.

Myron
      Of course they are. Hello, new friends.

Kim
      Hey, Emma; I was thinking.

Myron
      Wait, don't think just yet. (
To the sky.
) Dear Jesus . . .

Kim
      Oh please don't call him; we haven't spoken in years.

She removes his hands.

Myron
      I'll never wash my hands again.

Emma
      Well you've never washed them
before
.

Kim
      I was thinking; we could do a whole talent show for Charlie's birthday. Everyone'll do what they're good at; I can sing you one of my songs . . .

Emma
      And I'll smoke weed and eat lots of pills. It's a wonderful idea. This is gonna be perfect. We need to make it more festive, though. I'm gonna take this box of nitrous and search around the house and see if I can find some decorations and presents.

Kim
      I can help! I love snooping through my clients' houses when they're asleep. That's how I got this Rolex.

Emma
and
Kim
climb the stairs.
Myron
lights a cigarette. They stand there awkwardly for a long beat.

Charlie
      You taught high school drama for ten years?