All New People (5 page)

Kevin
      He can fuck a prostitute, but he can't touch a light switch?

Kim
      Yeah. God wants him to rest I guess. Weird, huh? I'm tired too! Where's my fucking shabbas?

Kevin
      Yes. Fine! Whatever. But I wanna watch you eat those pills.

Kim
      Oh yay! Kevin, thank you so much! I'm so happy you believe in me! Now I'm glad you shot your load in me; I'm gonna be a star.

The clip ends. Lights up behind the scrim as the panels slide out.

Kim
      He's been very supportive of my music career. I'm actually a singer/songwriter. I just do this to pay my rent. Kevin's helping to produce my EP.

Myron
      Do you mind if I ask . . . and please tell me if this is out of line, but how much does it cost to have the luxury of your services?

Charlie
      It is outta line. Don't answer that.

Kim
      I'm very expensive. I mean no offense, but regular working guys such as yourself are often shocked at the price. But I'm the top level. I mean I'm like the Prada of pussy.

They all squint their eyes to try and picture what that means . . .

Emma
      What does that cost? How much did Kevin pay you for the night?

Kim
      You're gonna gasp.

Emma
      No we won't.

Charlie
      Don't say it. We don't wanna know.

Myron
      Oh yes we do!

Kim
      Promise you won't freak out and drop your jaws.

Emma
      We promise.

Charlie
      You don't owe anyone here anything.

Myron
      We're not judging you, we're just curious . . .

Kim
      Fifteen thousand.

Emma
      Holy shit!

Myron
      Unbelievable.

Charlie
      Are you serious?

Kim
      But I'll do anything.

Myron
      Sweetheart, I'll fuck a
bear
for fifteen thousand dollars. You can take a syringe full of scabies and shoot them into my eyes for fifteen k. Fuck! How fucked up is our society?! Guys like Kevin O'Donnell up there on Wall Street are dumping more money into whores . . .

Kim
      Hey!

Myron
      Sorry. ‘Escorts . . .' than I make in six months protecting an entire island from going up in flames. And you know what really kills me? Who bailed them out? Who the fuck bailed them out when they were drowning up to their
Bluetooth earpieces in bad loans and debt. Me. The regular working guys you're talking about. They took my money and gave it to the Kevin O'Donnells of the world, so they could fuck whores and produce whore records.

Kim
      Hey.

Emma
      Myron.

Myron
      And you know, technically . . . the thing is . . . I mean if you really wanna zoom out; in the macro of this situation, I have personally paid for a fraction of tonight's services. And I would like to redeem my portion now. What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie
      He paid you fifteen thousand dollars to sleep with me?

Kim
      Yes. But look how cute I am. And I came all the way down here to Long Beach Island. And you can do whatever you want to me . . .

Emma
      Except for your asshole . . .

Kim
      Yeah, except for my asshole.

Myron
      I have a similar policy.

Charlie
      Look, it was a nice thing for Kevin to do. He gave me the finest thing he could afford to cheer me up.

Emma
      A fuck? Is that the finest thing a rich man can afford?

Charlie
      No. He sent me some company. He rented me some friendship.

Kim
      Totes. We have this thing called GFE. It stands for ‘the girlfriend experience'. One guy I never even slept with, he just wanted to cuddle. I hugged the guy for a week and made like fifty thousand dollars.

Myron
      Could I have his number?

Kim
      No.

Myron
      I will hug the shit out of that guy. I will literally hug him until he shits the bed from too much hugging.

Charlie
      God, people will do anything to avoid being alone.

Emma
      You wanna be alone.

Charlie
      I do now, but not . . . before. Before I would do anything I could to avoid being alone. I'd scroll through my phone looking for someone to text. In line for coffee, in the car; I always had to be talking or texting someone . . .

Emma
      Are you lonely, Charlie?

Charlie
      Of course I'm lonely.

Emma
      Then why are you trying so hard to get rid of us? Isn't this what you want? You're lonely and here you are surrounded by other people.

Kim
      Maybe it's like being bone-tired. You feel bone-lonesome.

Charlie
(
a small smile
)      Hmm. I suppose; that's a good way to put it.

Emma
      Is that why you wanna kill yourself?

Kim
      Excuse me, what?

Myron
      Oh yeah. We forgot to tell you about that. We all got a little caught up in the excitement of your arrival and the microscopic bugs taking shits under your skin. By the way, he also claims he's murdered a bunch of people.

Kim
      You're a murderer? Oh my God, we need to make a citizen's arrest.

Charlie
      Kim, wait. No you don't.

Kim
      Don't worry; I've got handcuffs in my purse.

Charlie
      Kim.

Emma
      We can't arrest him; Charlie's a hero who's flown hundreds of sorties to Iraq.

Kim
      Why would a sorority wanna go to Iraq?

Emma
      Sorties not sororities. Missions. When I found him earlier he was on that chair with that noose around his neck.

Kim
      Oh my God there's a noose! He's gonna lynch us. We gotta get outta here!

Emma
      Careful!

Kim
races towards the door, but slips violently on the African beads on the floor.

Kim
      Ow!!!!! Fuck!

Myron
      Somebody should really sweep up those beads.

Emma
      Are you OK?

Kim
      He's got this place booby-trapped like
Home Alone
!

Myron
      Thank you!

Myron
and
Emma
race to help her up. She limps on her ankle over to a chair.

Emma
      Oh my God. We had an incident with a faulty piece of culture. I'll get you some ice.

Kim
      No it's OK; my drink didn't spill. (
Beat
.) Please don't lynch us! We won't tell anyone you're gay.

Charlie
      I'm not gay.

Kim
      That's exactly what we'll say.

Charlie
      It was an accident!

Myron
      An accident! Now we're getting somewhere.

Kim
      Were you the one who started the fire?

Charlie
      There was no fire. This guy's lying, he's probably not even a fireman.

Kim
      Wait a minute, I'm confused.

Charlie
      Shocking.

They hear a lound siren out front.

Kim
      Oh thank God, the cops.

Charlie
(
to
Myron
)      You called the police?!

Myron
      No, that's our cocaine! Be right back.

Myron
exits through the front door.

Emma
      Kim, I think you can relax about Charlie trying to hurt you. The noose is for him.

Kim
      What?! Why would you want to hang yourself on your birthday?

Emma
      Is it your birthday, Charlie?

Charlie
      Yes.

Emma
      How old are you?

Charlie
      Thirty-five.

Emma
      Happy birthday! Drinks all around!

Emma
crosses to the bar to grab the whiskey. She fills both of their glasses.

Kim
      But isn't he a murderer?

Emma
      We haven't exactly got the details yet. Myron's says he's lying. Myron thinks Charlie's made up the story to impress me.

Kim
      That's so romantic. I hope you're lying; it's your birthday. You should be celebrating.

Emma
      That's a great idea. We should throw you a party.

Charlie
      Please don't.

Emma
      Look, if you've really got your heart set on doing it tonight, then do it later when we've all left. You might as well spend your last night alive celebrating the day you were born.

Charlie
      That doesn't make any sense.

Kim
      Why not?

Charlie
      Why would I wanna celebrate the day I was born? If I'm really gonna kill myself wouldn't it make more sense to celebrate the day I finally get to die?

Myron
opens the door holding a bag of coke in one hand and a snowball in the other.

Myron
      I've got New Jersey snow and Colombian snow. Which one do you want me to bring in the house?

Kim
      Colombian! Colombian!

Myron
      Colombian it is!

Myron
tosses the snowball outside.

Kim
      Oh, thank God!

Emma
      Myron, it's Charlie's birthday.

Myron
      Killing yourself on your birthday? That's morbid. Who wants some Cheetos?

Emma
      Oooh, yes please. And I'll take some of that nitrous-oxide as well. It'll help me add a whole other dimension to Charlie's party. Please tell me you got balloons.

Myron
produces two empty balloons.

Emma
      There they are. We need a theme. And I'm choosing birthday, Charlie: it's far less twisted and weird. I'm guessing you don't believe in the afterlife?

Charlie
      Nope, just purgatory.

Emma
      So this is it, then . . . soul shuts off like a light switch?

Charlie
      That would be the goal.

Emma
      Well we might be able to get away with a death-day party if you believed in the afterlife. I mean if you had like seventy-two virgins waiting for you on the other side and all that, maybe we'd have something to toast . . .

Myron
begins to cut up lines of coke on the coffee table.
Kim
kneels next to him, eager for a turn.

Kim
      Who gets seventy-two virgins?

Myron
      Some Muslims believe that if you die as a martyr, you get to have seventy-two virgins as a ‘thank you' present when you get to Heaven.

Kim
      I mean I guess that's nice and all. But virgins aren't very experienced are they? I'd much rather have like twenty ridiculously good lovers as my present. Or I guess if they were Latino I'd probably only need ten.

Kim
does a line of coke.

Charlie
      Are you planning on dying as a martyr?

Kim
      Maybe; what's a martyr?

Myron
      A martyr is someone who dies for their religious beliefs.

Kim
      Oh, then nevermind. I'm Catholic; I don't think we get virgins. But if we do, I'd really like to know ahead of time. I hate surprises. It's like when I'm on the phone with a client; I always like to know going in what he wants. That way I have the upper hand when he tries to surprise me with something like asking me to piss on him.

Emma
      People pay you to piss on them?

Kim
      All the time. A lot of politicians actually; it's like their thing. If I just piss on them while they beat off they don't feel like they cheated on their wives and then they won't really be lying to the voters when they say they love family values and all the other values that those guys have to make sure they love.