All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (6 page)

“I know and I’m sorry. I never should have gotten his help.”

“I’m glad you did.” He whispers, taking me by surprise.

“You are?”

“Yeah. If you’re willing to reach out to the biggest dick in Wexfield, it must mean you
really
love me.” He laughs and just like every other time we’re on the phone this way, I join him.

It’s taken some getting used to, but laughing, it doesn’t freak me out as much as it did the first time it happened. I like the way I feel when I do it and it’s obvious from the content sigh I hear escape that Kayden feels the same.

“You left the movie to call me, didn’t you?” he asks and I stop myself at the exact moment I feel my head start to nod.

“Yeah.”

“Go back in. Enjoy your time with Eric. Text me when you’re out.”

“I love you Kay.”

“Not nearly as much as I love you, Belle. I can’t wait to see you.”

The last part, it comes out in a whisper and my heart melts. The way Kayden sounds when he’s in love, it’s like it’s been ripped straight out of one of my favorite romance novels. It’s magical and makes me feel special in the good way.

“Three more days.”

“Three too many.”

I laugh even though I agree and he sighs again.

“Talk to you soon, baby.” He says, his tone more final, making the ac
t of hanging up on him easier. Something that even with as often as we do it, is always one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

“Not soon enough, Kay.”

Chapter Six

Kayden

Days move, running into each other hour by hour until its Friday and I’m only a few hours away from driving back to Wexfield. The only difference between this visit and the others is that this time I’m not alone.

Cadence and Dillon have an arrangement the same way Belle and I do, but theirs is a little more relaxed. Knowing that Dillon only goes home once a month instead of the four times I do, makes me wonder if the way I’m doing things is too much.

This distance shit, it’s making me doubt myself a lot more. I don’t doubt Belle or what we share, but the same way I felt when I wondered if my life would be too much for her, its amplified now. Being apart instead of right across the street or even sharing the same place, it’s like all I fucking do is worry.

Do I need to be giving her more space so she can navigate her issues on her own?

I don’t wanna make her feel like I’m her dad or something and I already know how protective Grace is. I definitely don’t wanna be
that
guy. I want to be in Wexfield badly, not because I think I need to be there to protect her but because when I’m not with her, everything’s just off.

It’s not the way I picture it. I’m starting to think I need her a hell of a lot more than she needs me.

The way I’m acting and the way I’m thinking can’t be healthy, but I’m not sure what else to do. She’s always just been there in my mind since I finally screwed my head on straight and I don’t want to imagine what it would be like if she wasn’t. It makes me grasp on to her tighter, even knowing that if I hold on any tighter I’ll choke her.

“Bro, you sure you’re going home to see your girl? You look like you’re about to take a trip to the dentist.”

I don’t want to get into this with him. Hell, I don’t even wanna think about it myself but if I wanna be able to make this trip and not sit riddled with doubts for the next few hours, I’m gonna have to say something.

“Why do you only go home once a month?”

“Caddy wants it that way.”

“Seriously?”

I’m pretty surprised by his answer. I assumed that with the way Dillon is with his need to not form attachments, he was the reason. Hearing its Cadence though, that’s kind of crazy. I thought she was like Belle. It’s weird.

“Yeah. We’re still figuring this shit out. It’s hard. So she told me the week before I left that it was easier to do things this way for a while.”

“Why?”

“Don’t know, but I’m not gonna argue with her. I want to see her as much as you do with Belle, but for us, I’m not sure it would work. At least not yet.”

“You think I’m going home too much?”

“Can’t answer that. You know t
he way things were with my dad. The fucking brainwashing, weak versus strong shit. How twisted up inside I was even thinking about changing. I’m coming at this from a different place than you. Only you can say if you’re doing the right thing.”

“That’s not a whole lot of help.”

“You want help from me? Seriously? Are you insane?”

“Remember when I told you that I wanted to do something big for our anniversary in a few weeks?” He nods so I continue. “I took the money I made this summer working at the shop and bought her a ring.”

“You what?”

I can tell by the way he’s looking at me that he thinks I’m going to propose and while the idea has crossed my mind, it’s not that type of ring. I might imagine my life easily with this girl, but I’m not even nineteen. I know that’s moving too quickly even if it does feel right.

“Not that type of ring. More like a promise thing. I’ve been like this since the homecoming game last year. Every time I see shit in the future, like where I’m gonna end up, she’s there. I wanted some way to make that more solid.”

“Belle adores you. She’s not going anywhere. I get why you wanna give her a ring, take it to the next level and all but don’t you think that’s a little fast? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way but have you even slept with her?”

“Not answering that.”

“You just did.” He says, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Of course it’s obvious that I haven’t. I should have reme
mbered that evading is usually worse than admitting the truth.

“Man, I get where you’re coming from, but there’s more going on with you than just wanting to make a future with her. So before you go and propose to the girl, I think you need to settle that shit.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You
don’t know?”

Okay, Dillon
is reminding me of why we were such good friends before. He’s being an asshole. He hasn’t stopped grinning the entire time, which means he finds my lack of understanding hilarious.

“Obviously not or I wouldn’t have asked.”

“Your dad up and left, though with everything you’ve told me that was a good thing. Your mom did it a few years later and now Dean’s in jail, which means he’s pretty much gone too. Think about it. You’re doing this shit because you’re afraid you’re gonna wake up one day and she’ll be gone.”

Is he right? Could that be the reason I went out after class last week to find the perfect ring? Am I really afraid that Belle’s going to be like everyone else in my life and leave?

“See. Now you’re getting it. I think you’re doing it because you love her, but you’re also afraid she’s gonna disappear. I know its fucked hearing me say it, but you can’t let that be a reason for doing something that huge.”

He’s right
. If I’m going to see this through the way I want to, I can’t let there be any reason for it other than the way I feel about Belle. She’d be able to see right through it the same way she can see through me.

“If that’s what you think why’d you ask if I slept with her?”

“Progression?” he answers back quickly before grinning again. “Nah, I asked because I’m a nosy fucker and I wanted to see if you two had taken the plunge yet.”

This is the Dillon I expect. The one answering me, giving me things to think about, it’s not his style. Cracking jokes, wanting to be a nosy jerk, this is why I opened up to him in the first place, but there’s no denying he’s given me a whole lot more than jokes to think about.

Like maybe for the first time since I got with Belle last year, I need to slam on the brakes before that fear he thinks I have really does become a reality and she disappears.

Belle

I’ve never been so happy for a weekend in my life.

So much has happened this week that I actually thought about staying home yesterday just to give myself
time to process it.

All of the good I’ve been doing with Isaac, being what I think is his first real friend, getting him to open up to me, even hanging out with him in between classes, it all finally came to
a head Wednesday after class. I still don’t know what to do with everything that happened.

The week started off
great. Sure the guys in class, the ones I finally learned were named Bryan and Randy, said stuff on Monday morning, but by Wednesday they hadn’t so much as looked in my general direction, let alone harassed Isaac so I let myself enjoy the calm.

What a stupid move.

Kayden’s right. I am naïve about the world. He didn’t say it in a bad way, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s right. I should have known that just like high school, those two days of peace were the calm before the storm.

Going the whole class without so much as a whispered bad wor
d, I took Isaac’s hand in mine and walked from class confident. That’s when everything changed and why right now, more than any other time, I need to see Kayden. 

~*~*~

“Check it out, Bry. The little mute moves fast. They’re already holding hands.”

Ignoring the chill I get the minute I hear the first meathead talk, his words reminding me a lot of Tim before him, I keep walking even though I can tell with the way he’s slowed down that Isaac is having a harder time ignoring it.

“Ignore them.” I lean in and whisper.

When he nods his head and we keep wa
lking, the voices get louder until I swear I can feel their breath on the back of my neck.

“What’s the hurry princess? Are you too good to stop and talk to us?”

I’ve come such a long way over the last few months. I can talk a lot more freely now, but I’m still not where I want to be. I still have moments where the pressure to speak is so heavy that it blocks me from doing it at all.

This is one of those moments. As much as I wan
t to turn and tell this guy exactly what I think of him, I’m completely frozen. My throat is constricted, the words locked deep inside me.

Isaac’s hand has mine in a death grip and when I look up, if the grip wasn’t enough to worry me, the look in his eyes does it for sure. It’s a look that’s familiar. The same look Kayden wears when he’s pissed off and trying to contain it.

This is a side of the quiet boy I sit beside that I’ve never seen before, but one that despite not liking him being that way, I understand. I’ve seen it happen with other kids like me.

Sometimes, especially with boys it seems, there’s a bit of an unexplaine
d violent streak that can happen. I think a lot of it comes from not being able to communicate the same as others, being misunderstood and the struggle that comes with handling the day to day issues we have, but I’m not a doctor so it’s all just a guess.

It’s definitely what I think Isaac’s issue might be and right now, the last thing he needs to do is get angry. I know what that leads to, autistic or not and he’s better than that.

“Randy, she’s a quiet one. We could definitely have fun with that.”

“Is that true, Isabelle? Are you only loud in private?”

His words, they’re getting to me and I hate it. They remind me of Dillon. The day he cornered me in the hallway and asked if I was giving it up to Kayden in the backseat of his car. Dillon may have changed, but the memory hasn’t and reacting, I shiver and both guys laugh.

“What does he have that we don’t? I mean at least with us, we’d show you a good time and talk to you.” Bryan says as he grabs onto my free arm.

Before I can react, pull out of the hold, the tightness around my hand that signaled Isaac was connected to me is gone and I’m being pushed backward as he moves forward. His arm swinging out until it connects with Bryan’s body.

Isaac is shaking and it scares me. I’ve been around fighting before, but not like this.

Watching as Randy moves forward, about to go after Isaac himself, I grab my friends hand and pull him back. This has already gone too far. I’m not letting it get worse. I just want to get out of here before Isaac isn’t the only one melting down.

“Isaac, we need to go.”

He moves with me, but not before I catch his eyes. Gone is the flash of rage and in its place is something so familiar that it makes my stomach turn. His eyes are glossy. I was right about him from the start. He is like me, and he’s about to prove it even more by letting the tears fall. The one thing I won’t let him do in front of these jerks.

Isaac’s not just mute. He’s autistic and right now, I’m all he’s got.

~*~*~

Two days have gone by and I’m still affected by it. Thinking about it makes me shake the same way Isaac did that day and it takes shutting my eyes tightly, focusing on the rise and fall of my chest as I breathe in and out to stop it.

I knew college wasn’t going to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be like this. I thought that I was safe. That Isaac would be safe too.

I can’t believe what an idiot I was.

The only bright spot in the whole week is everything I managed to learn about the boy I’ve been trying so hard to help. It sounds funny calling him a boy, but where I might look at the world through childlike glasses, seeing it in a much simpler way, so does he.

Focusing on him the way I have been, it’s made me focus less on my own fears being here and being separated from the one person that kept me protected and safe. In a way, other than the incident on Wednesday, helping Isaac has made me stronger. More like Kayden.

Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, I pull my bag around until I reach the zipper and opening it, pull out the paper filled with his words. The ones where he opened up to me and told me about himself. I need them right now. They’ll help settle the unease I’m experiencing.

Seeing the good I’m doing, it will make everything right again. It’s something that has to happen before Kayden comes home in a few hours. I’m not sure how I feel about him seeing me like this, especially w
ith how much he worries. He deserves to have one weekend home where my diagnosis and the way it manifests itself isn’t his top concern.

I’m also afraid that if he learns what happened, he’s going to tell me to stop helping Isaac.  The one thing I don’t think I can do because it’s helping me just as much as it is him.

I’ve been in private school my entire life. My parents never wanted to home school me even though I begged them to. I ended up at Millbridge Academy with those guys you like to call meatheads and I’m pretty sure you can figure out the rest.