All I Have Left (28 page)

This time was so completely different from any other time. This time was slow and passionate. His hips moved slowly for a while, his hands curling under and over my shoulders to pull me into him, holding me tightly to his body, as mine was letting go. I felt like his hold was him telling me how much he needed me, wanted me right there, so close, him inside me.

Suddenly Grayson started to pull away. I panicked thinking I’d done something wrong. “What’s wrong?”

He laughed under his breath. “It’s too good,” he clarified in a rough voice, his body trembling as he tried to control himself. I could feel him twitch inside of me and giggled. He shook his head, laughing again.

Slowly he moved again all the while kissing me. His hand had come up and rested at my thigh, creating more of a desire than I thought it ever would. I brought my hand up and took his from my thigh, to link them together. My legs wrapped around his waist bringing him into our movements as I succumbed to the sensations.

His forehead leaned against mine. It was then that I finally saw myself taking everything he was giving me. And I was feeling it. All of it for the first time. I was letting his hands, his body, his heart and soul mark me in ways no one else ever could. Beneath him, his warm body pressed against mine, I surrendered myself to him. I didn’t care what happened in the past. I knew now, this was what was right.

I gave myself to him. I fucking gave him every last piece because it’s all I have to give, all I have left.

“Fuck,” he grunted in my ear breathlessly, his voice throaty and sexy. It was almost a pained sound that left his lips. That’s when I realized very quickly that it was a pained sound. He was shaking so badly that his body was vibrating to the point he could barely keep from collapsing against me.

With every crack from the fireworks outside, his body would tense.

I knew this was why he had those pills. I wanted to stop, we probably should have but he wouldn’t.

“Grayson…we…you…” I started to cry, for him, for me, for us, but he didn’t stop. He just kept shaking his head, trying to fight it.

Our eyes met and I saw the storm. I wanted to crawl inside them and take cover knowing his own demons were coming ashore.

“We should stop.”

He shook his head again, his eyes squeezed shut. “No. Not for me. Let’s keep going.”

He was determined to fight it. Part of me wondered what triggered it.

Did I? Did this?

But then his body flinched again when another spray of colors brightened the room, the crack that followed as his chest was heaving.

I felt my muscles tighten as his grip on my hips became tighter. His movements more urgent almost frantic until suddenly every muscle in his body clenched
and
he tensed on top of me, causing us both to let out load moans and collapse against me.

I didn’t know what to say, or do, so I waited to see what he was going to do.

He put his head at my ear, kissing the lobe and whispered in my ear that he loved me. My heart thudded, and I felt content, but also, confused.

“I’m sorry…” his body hadn’t stopped shaking but he moved to my side pulling my back to his chest.

“Are you okay?”

He didn’t reply, instead, his body clung to mine as if it was what he needed.

I was learning a few things about those distractions. They’re good. But there’s a reason it’s called a distraction. It’s not permanent. The memories find their way through the cracks at the most inopportune times…it was just a matter of time before all of Grayson’s ghosts seeped through his cracks.

I’m still going to argue that I don’t need those pills, but, I will admit there’s more to those clinical terms than they throw at you.

There’s just some memories you can’t control no matter how hard you try, no matter how much medication you take, and then they come crashing back at the least likely times. Finally immersing myself in Evie’s warmth, after three long and brutal years, and I began to feel normal again…until the fireworks and lights started. I almost lost my shit, like really lost my shit. Mind over fucking matter, or should I say such intense physical feelings over mental trauma, wouldn’t let me stop. I’d waited so long for this…this feeling of my girl, in my arms, two heartbeats, joining in a union that was wholeheartedly ours and ours alone. Fuck that, I was not stopping. Bring the demons…bring it but as long as it was her eyes that I look into every day and every night, I can do this. Looking into her eyes last night as I released myself physically and emotionally, I know that I
have
to do this.

I’ve heard the sound of a heart breaking. I’ve heard the sound of falling in love.

I’ve heard the sounds because it’s lying on my chest, her hands over wounds I never thought would heal.

She made me feel like everything before didn’t matter. And maybe, for once, right now, it doesn’t.

Being with Evie last night was even more than I imagined it would be. My memory of what it felt like to be inside her hadn’t done it justice. Maybe it was because it’d been so long, but still, it wasn’t even comparable to my memory of it.

Lights flashing, sounds booming, memories erupting. The memories stirred inside, Evie noticed, her hand dipping below the sheets and palming my erection.

I groaned, a shudder running through me. “Don’t start that unless you’re gonna finish it,” I whispered in hair.

She twisted, one arm planting herself firmly to rise up and look back at me. “I need good memories…”

Before I understood what she meant by that, she was traveling down my body. I didn’t exactly like the way she said that. Pain shot through my heart when I realized what that bastard had done to her.

I watched through hooded lust filled eyes, raised up on my elbows as her mouth came towards my dick.

Before she even touched me, pleasure shot up my spin, my body shuddering in anticipation. When she finally touched me, a tentative lick from base to tip, I nearly lost it. I’ve never had a blow job but I’ve imagined what they were like. And holy fuck me…my imagination in no way did it justice.

There were moments when she started to glide her mouth and tongue over me when I lost myself, my head thrown back at the unbelievable sensations.

I looked down, my eyes half open, watching her head move up and down, her blonde hair curled around my hand gently. There was no pressure added, just resting there with a subtle touch as my hand followed the natural movement of her head.

She seemed to appreciate the encouragement and smiled around me.

A memory every man wants?

Their girl smiling around their dick. I have it now.

The sounds she made were enough to drive me over the edge, soft moans and sucking.

I didn’t last long, I couldn’t and though I wanted to come in her mouth, I wasn’t sure she wanted that.

“Evie…baby…”

She didn’t look up, a silent okay. With her hands on my upper thighs, she plunged her mouth over me with a mission in mind.

It ripped through me, a shuttered cry of pleasure through the room as I pulsed in her mouth.

Evie surprised me too, swallowing, and the regarding me with a smile. Green eyes shined as if she had gotten just as much pleasure from that as I did.

“Thank you,” she said, watching me.

My elbows gave out and my head hit the pillow…the euphoria I was experiencing was better than any prescription drug out there. “Why are you thanking me? I should be fuckin’ worshiping you right now.”

Her head rested against my chest. “This is enough right here. Don’t let go.”

I heard that sound again. It’s the beat in my chest and the breath in my lungs. It’s a sigh of contentment from lips I worship and a delicate body wrapped around mine.

I had to work on Monday so we ended up leaving the lake around three that afternoon intending on stopping for dinner, and maybe by the drugstore for those pills.

Her head was in my lap, my hands were in her pretty blonde locks, twirling the curls around my finger when her hand started to lazily dance circles over my stomach. I knew where that was heading.

I pulled over, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to make it the thirty minutes back to my parent’s house. Not after last night and this morning. She had set fire to my desire for her and now I didn’t want to stop.

I drove a mile down the road and shut off the engine.

The bench seat in my truck worked out well. Evie giggled as I hovered over her, my scruff tickling her stomach as I pulled her dress up. My eyes found hers when my hands went to her hips between the edge of her panties and skin. I slipped them down, my mouth lingering over her calves and then lazily making my way higher. She seemed hypnotized by my touch so I took that as an indication to continue.

I’ll admit, there was some hesitation on my part. I’d never gone down on a girl before. My only experience there would be a scrambled porno we had on base of some girl on girl action.

I tried to remember it, maybe recall some pointers but then I just went with it hoping she enjoyed it.

Evie’s eyes were closed, her hands fisted in my hair, the height of her passion giving me guidance. My fingers touched her first, slow and gentle, and then I kissed a path from her right hip to her left, and back again.

She knew I was teasing her and gave me a squeeze, her hands pushing on the tops over my shoulders. I laughed, gazing up at her in amusement.

Keeping our gaze, my mouth went lower. I thought that her mouth on me might have been the sexiest thing I ever saw.

I was wrong.

My mouth between her legs with her head thrown back, back arched, and hands fisting in my hair was so much sexier.

I may not have had a clue what I was doing but whatever it was, she was loving it.

We were a mile down that country road. No one knew where we were as her moans filled the cab of my truck.

But someone found us.

The headlights shown over her body as a throaty engine approached.

I knew that sound.

I pulled back from Evie and looked out my back window. “We gotta go, Evie.”

She looked at me and the horror was written on her face as I started the truck and then realized there was no getting out.

I’ve heard the sound of a heart breaking. I’ve heard the sound of someone dying. I know it. I felt it. I’ve watched happen right before my eyes.

It could happen in an instant, in the time it takes for one heart to beat, another breaks. Shatters even.

I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this first-hand. I’m not walking away from this and they know that. They’re counting on me knowing it.