All About Me (7 page)

“
Hey, morons,
”
he chimes, putting his training bag on the floor.
 

“
Hey, loser, want a puff?
”
asks Jhonny, who is suddenly awake but stoned as hell. I need to play it cool with Jacob. He hasn
’
t been at home much lately, and he is the only person that has any information about India. Real fucking information, not rumours.

“
No, I
’
m off this shit, man. I
’
m off to the cinema and I need to get a shower,
”
he states, giving me a nod.

Jhonny mutters something under his breath about appreciation. For a split second I feel like I need to run after him and ask him about his plans, but I choose not to, because a new idea starts to form in my chest.
 

“
Hey, man, what are you going to see?
”
Malcolm shouts after him.

“
Watchmen
,
”
Jacob shouts back.

I smile to myself, thinking that Jacob just gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to India without any witnesses
.
An hour later when he leaves, I run upstairs to my laptop and search the show times. Dora hates films like that, but India would watch anything, and I bet that Jacob is going out with her. I miss seeing her, touching her, and now I finally would probably have the chance to talk to her, to apologise if she
’
ll let me. I know that my apology doesn
’
t mean much right now. India has to see that I
’
ve grown, that I get what she went through, and only friendship will seal us back together.

I leave the house half an hour later. There is a tension in my neck and my stomach churns thinking about the gamble I
’
m trying to pull off. There is only one cinema in Braxton and the film doesn
’
t start until late. Twenty minutes later I walk in and get the ticket to another film that starts at the same time as
Watchmen
. I have a feeling in my gut that India, Dora, and Jacob are going to show up in a few minutes. At the end of the day, I have to find a nice, quiet spot and wait. I
’
ve known India for years and it
’
s always the same with her. She drinks a lot, and almost every time she has to use the toilet. If I can speak to her alone, maybe she will at least listen to me.

I hide by the vending machines, watching people coming in and out. Ten minutes before the film is about to begin, I start to doubt my perfect plan because not one of them shows up. My blood heats up, making me feel like the last loser, but then I spot her emerging from the crowd. She looks fucking beautiful, but something inside me cringes when I see her holding hands with Evans. She looks radiant, probably because she knows that I won
’
t be around. I clench my fists, cutting the circulation in my hands.

It kills me that he is there, pretending that she belongs to him now. India
’
s eyes dart around and for a moment I wonder if she is thinking about me at all. You can
’
t just stop loving someone like that, after just a day. Although there is a really thin line between love and hate, and I proved to everyone that I could be a cruel motherfucker.

Chapter Six

Not enough.

Present

They all vanish inside the appropriate theatre and I have to just wait by the food section and keep watching the door. It doesn
’
t matter that the film is a couple of hours long. Before the film ends, she will head to the ladies
’
room. In most social situations I
’
m cool, nothing fazes me, but right now I feel like my head is going to explode. My dick is hard and that
’
s only because I saw her and remember the way I touched her. I held back with the sex to make it more special. Now I have to dream about our conversation.

The guy by the food station stares at me, probably expecting me to order something. I don
’
t want to look like a total idiot, so I do. Some shitty hotdog and fries. People come and go and I stand there staring intensely at the door. I shove my sweaty palms into my pockets and throw the rest of the food away. An hour and a half into the movie, my patience is slowly running out. India has her own routine with films. Back in high school we used to go out together to the cinema often, as my brother was a fucking boring git and he hated India
’
s hobby. We both used to order a lot of food and enjoyed each other
’
s company until that one kiss that completely blew my mind off.

I spot her a couple of moments later, heading to the toilet as I expected. There is no one else in the corridor, so I head to the cinema staff and hand him my ticket. The older guy doesn
’
t ask any questions and after another moment, I slide into the girls
’
restroom. There are several toilet stalls. Fortunately for me, all of them are empty apart from one. If any other woman was to walk in now then I
’
m screwed, but India is worth the risk. My pulse starts racing as I calculate what to say and do.

Every part of me is waiting for her, muscles straining, shallow breaths and pounding heart. This isn
’
t me. I normally don
’
t get taken aback by emotions. I hear the flushing toilet and then she comes out, pulling her T-shirt back in place. My breath seizes as she lifts those eyes at me.
 

“
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you following me now, just to stab me while I
’
m down?
”

 
“
India, you need to let me explain
…”

She keeps staring back, working her jaw. For a brief moment I expect her to start shouting or calling me names, but she doesn
’
t do any of that. I
’
ve prepared a speech, but she is too calm.

“
So do you think you have everything figured out, Oliver? That you can just barge back into my life, expecting me to kneel down and accept whatever apology you
’
ve prepared?
”

I open my mouth to tell her that she should at least let me explain myself, but then she moves towards the sink and runs the water, washing her hands. Her words echo in my head as she continues.
“
No, I
’
m not one of the girls on campus. I came here expecting to start over, put the past behind me. You gave me hell and, yeah, maybe I deserved it, but I didn
’
t deserve yet more pain and humiliation. You were furious, but I kept trying to talk to you, to apologise
—”

“
India, please believe me. I told Sam to ditch this idea, but then
—”

“
You couldn
’
t help yourself, could you? You had to humiliate me like that. God, Oliver, you had no idea how happy I was when we went out for that dinner,
”
she adds calmly, shutting off the running water.

She strips me of my confidence and for a split second I have no idea what to say. My pulse pounds in my neck. I clear my throat, not understanding why she is not shouting for me to leave.

“
The letters, India. I had no idea
…
Christian
—”

“
That Christian was a psycho? Well, I didn
’
t either, and you have no idea how it was for me then. When you didn
’
t show at that party. He knew way before how I felt about you. Then after my mother told me about the accident, I thought that my nightmare was finally over, but no. He left his mark all over me, forcing these disgusting memories into my head forever. After the funeral I wanted to tell so many people, but I couldn
’
t because everyone was grieving.
”

She stands over the sink, tensing her shoulders. Her voice is even and her eyes are on me. Blood rushes through my veins like hot lava; her pain is almost unbearable to me. I could have reclaimed her, deserved to be with her if I hadn
’
t gone through with the bet, but I only inflicted more suffering. I
’
m not worthy to have her back. The prank changed her and she is not running away. She
’
s challenging me and I
’
m losing my breath because I
’
m still hoping my sincere apology will be enough. India is the only girl who
’
s made me realise that I
’
m nothing special, that I can
’
t have her because she
’
s moved on.

“
Sometimes I don
’
t think before I act and when you mentioned my brother during our evening, I lost it. I noticed Sam and, I impulsively, told you that I didn
’
t want you, India.
”

‘
That
’
s too bad, because I don
’
t care anymore. I
’
m done with running now and listening to your pathetic explanation. We are done and we could have been happy. Just stay away from me, Oliver. It
’
s bad enough that I have to see you on campus
.
”

She isn
’
t that shy India that I remembered from the past. Fuck, she is strong and I
’
m weak, lost, trying to apologise. Fucking pathetic.

“
India, I can
’
t stay away.
”

“
You have to because there is no place for you in my life.
”

My breath catches, but India is already at the door. I want to stop her, but I can
’
t. It
’
s like my own hatred is eating me from inside out, blazing over my body. She doesn
’
t even want my friendship. She doesn
’
t want my love.

“
Excuse me, this is a ladies
’
toilet
.
”

A new voice startles me. I push my numb legs forward and disappear. A split-second decision cost me India
’
s love, and now I can
’
t take it back. My future with her has fallen apart and it can
’
t be fixed.

I head home. Five minutes ago, for the first time in my life I was going to tell a girl that I was in love with her. But that didn
’
t happen because she crushed me down, squashing my balls with her bare hand. Now I get how she felt when I threw her love for me back in her face. India is right: I destroyed both of us and all the feelings that we shared, because of my stupid ego.

On the way home I stop at my local corner shop and buy a bottle of vodka. Even that fucking bottle reminds me of her birthday, when I took her to see that meteor shower. She loved it and at least that one time I was proud of myself. Once I pay for the purchase, I head home and lock myself in my room.

For some reason I need to take the edge off my mood. My hands are trembling when I unscrew the bottle. The liquid burns my throat, but in some ways this painful conversation with India makes me realise that I love her so much it hurts my body. She doesn
’
t love me. Within hours her feelings for me had changed and, yeah, after what she went through years ago with Christian, she has a right not to love me anymore. India probably has never spoken to anyone about the rape, and after Christian
’
s death she had me. It was easier to throw all that anger and suffering onto the only person that reminded her about that bastard. This makes sense, yeah, it does, but I should have done more digging. Instead, I became her punching bag. She was alone, surrounded by all the people who cherished Christian. Now I keep wondering how she kept going.

***

Present

I
’
m going to get drunk tonight and get numb. Only tonight. It
’
s going to be almost impossible to make her trust me again, but I have to leave her alone for a while, show her that I can control myself.

Later I don
’
t know what is happening to me. I lie flat out on the floor, closing my eyes. The vodka is screwing with my head because I start crying. Fuck, a guy like me doesn
’
t let this happen, but yeah, the tears are streaming down my face. It
’
s because I feel India
’
s pain; my chest rises and falls hard. The understanding of her suffering slams right through my body. Hot and cold pain, insults, and the time after the rape. Only a woman like India could have lifted herself up after a night like that.

My own father died not long ago and I didn
’
t feel anything, although he never really cared about me. India is the only one who can redeem me. She has already moved forward, grown up, but me, I
’
m still the same. This has to change.

Next day I wake up with a massive headache. Jacob doesn
’
t know about my conversation with India. Fuck, I don
’
t think anyone knows. Dora still gives me dirty looks in corridors, and India shows off her relationship with that asshole Evans. I take it like a man because I know that he has been there for her when I wasn
’
t. He has my girl for now, but that
’
s all right.