Aligned: Volume 3 (7 page)

“No need. I’ll be over by the door. If you need anything, just holler.”
 

“Okay.”
 

I walk to the far end of the counter to wait for my coffee. The wait is short as there is no one else waiting for a drink in the small coffee shop. I take the coffee and immediately head to the same table Landon and I sat at.
 

I pull the rickety chair out from the metal table and listen as it screeches across the hard floor. I sit in the chair taking a deep breath as I do. Why did I think this was a good idea? I pull out my phone and set it beside my coffee on the table. I could call him. See if he is still in New York.
I can’t.
I promised I wouldn’t call him. He needs to move on. It wouldn’t be fair.
 

I take a sip of my hot coffee. The liquid burns my tongue as it goes down. It’s still much too hot to drink comfortably. I pick up my phone and begin typing his name into the search bar on my browser. Maybe just seeing a picture of him will be enough to comfort me.
 

The browser takes a second to pull his name up, but when it does, there are over a dozen articles about him and Caroline.
Recent articles.
Like just published in the last twenty-four hours recent.
 

I open the first one, expecting to see bullshit. Instead, I’m faced with a giant picture of Landon locked in a passionate kiss with Caroline. The picture is dated two weeks ago. Two fucking weeks ago! When Landon and I were together. That bitch!

I scroll through the article, reading every word.
 

‘Landon chased Caroline across the country to tell her he loved her ...’

I read further.
 

‘Caroline accepted his apology with a passionate kiss caught by bystanders at the LA airport ...’
 

The same airport I let him fuck me in.
 

‘Drew, Landon’s manager, says that yes, the rumors are true. Landon and Caroline are back together ...”
 

The words rip out my heart. They’re true. Drew even clarified. That cheating fucking asshole! I take the coffee and pour the hot liquid down my throat, welcoming the burn with every swallow. But the pain isn’t enough to cover the old pain.
 

I grab my phone and head to the bathroom where I will have some privacy. I don’t care that I’ll break my promise. I need to call him. I need to yell and scream. Then maybe my heart won’t feel completely destroyed by this monster.
 

I open the door to the small bathroom that just includes one toilet and sink. I lock the door keeping James or anyone else out. Away from me.
 

I find his name at the top of my contacts, and I press send. I pace the small room back and forth while I wait for him to pick up. One ring. Then two. I pace some more trying to ignore the smell of urine clouding the room. Three ...

“Hi, Alex,” Landon says. I take a deep breath, melting a little when I hear his voice. A voice I never thought I would hear again except on the radio.
 

“I guess you saw it,” he says.
 

“Yeah, I fucking saw it, you pig. How could you? I thought you and Caroline were over. I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted to fucking marry me. I thought I was the one who destroyed everything. I thought I had broken your heart. I thought I was the one who caused so much pain. The one who had to live with the guilt. But it wasn’t me who destroyed us, it was you.”
 

I pause waiting for him to say something. To tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong. I don’t know if I can live knowing he never loved me. That it was all a lie just to get me in bed with him.
 

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, softly. Like it hurts him too much to say it.
 

“So it’s true. It’s all fucking true. The whole time, Landon. Was it all a lie?”
 

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I have to go. Good-bye, Alex.”
 

I remove the phone from my ear and glance down at the screen that shows the call has ended.
 

“Good-bye,” I whisper before falling to the tiled floor. Now, the tears I’ve been holding in all day fall. They fall for that stupid fucking bastard I fell for. My body trembles as the tears keep falling. He never loved you, you fool. The only person left who loves you is Ethan, and if I’m not careful, I’ll lose him too.

But I’ll let you go if you need

Tear out my heart til I bleed.
 

I’ll watch you love another man.
 

This is my prayer.
 

This is my plea.
 

Please find love.
 

Please ...

I let the phone drop from my hands. The face immediately shatters making the phone unusable. I close my eyes trying to block everything out. The pain, the love, the need. I try to make it go away, but it never goes away. I don’t know why I didn’t defend myself. Tell her she was wrong. I never cheated on her with Caroline. I loved her. I still love her. I want to marry her, not Caroline.
 

I sink to my knees keeping my eyes closed. I’ve never felt this destroyed in my life. Even when I felt like a monster for ruining Caroline’s life a year ago, I didn’t feel this broken, this destroyed. She will never forgive me now. She will never trust me again.
 

“Hey, Landon, break’s almost over, man,” Steven my guitarist says.
 

“Get Drew,” I say without opening my eyes or moving from the floor.
 

“Be right back, man,” Steven says.
 

I let myself sulk on the ground while I wait for Drew. I pretend this isn’t true, just like in my dreams. I imagine a world where Alex said yes instead of no. A world where Alex wears a pretty white dress. One where we spend our life traveling the world taking pictures and singing. A world that involves giving all of that away to take care of our children. A world that doesn’t exist and can never exist. At least not for me. But maybe for her. Maybe she will find that with Ethan. It’s time I face my own fate. A fate I chose over a year ago when I let alcohol consume me. Maybe if I accept the fate, it will finally set Alex free. Seeing her free might just keep me breathing.
 

“What now?” Drew says irritated to see me broken on the floor. I may be broken, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to do the right thing, the only thing for once in my life.
 

“I need you to call Caroline for me.” I stand up as I say it, not because I don’t like looking weak in front of my brother, but because I need to be strong in this moment to do what needs to be done.
 

“Why? What’s wrong with your phone?”
 

“It’s broken. Just give me your damn phone. And order me a new one when you get a chance. One with a different number and none of my old contacts in it.”
 

Drew raises his eyebrows, but he does as I ask. He pulls his phone from his pocket and hands it to me.
 

I take it and dial her number before I change my mind. She answers after the first ring.
 

“Hello, Drew.”

“It’s Landon.”
 

“Oh. What are you doing with Drew’s phone? By the way, I loved the magazine article. The press will do wonders for my career.”

“I need you to meet me at my condo tomorrow morning around eight,” I say ignoring what she just said. I glance at Drew to make sure my schedule is free. He nods without me having to ask the question. Benefits of being a twin.
 

“I don’t know, Landon. I have a really busy schedule this week with auditions. Wait ... did you say your condo? You never let anyone at your condo.”
 

“I know. Just meet me there. I promise to make it worth your while.”
 

I can practically feel her smirking on the other end of the phone. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
 

I hang up without a good-bye and hand the phone back to Drew.
 

“What did you just do?”
 

“Accepted my destiny.” I leave Drew standing in the hallway while I walk back in the studio to keep working on a new song about Alex. My last song about Alex. I just hope she never realizes it’s about her. If I know her, she’ll assume the worst. That it’s about Caroline.
 

“Ready to start again, boss,” Steven says.
 

“Yes, let’s try the chorus again this time with more bass.”
 

“Sure thing,” Steven says.
 

Steven indicates for the band to start playing this time with more bass. I take a seat on a small stool in front of a music stand with the typed lyrics I’ve already written. I take my time. Ready to sing the words that will break my heart every time I sing them. The song that only Alex should hear but, instead, I’ll sing for the world. I’ll sing them for everyone who has ever experienced real heartbreak.
 

I thought that was what my debut single was about—heartbreak— but I was wrong. “I Don’t Need Your Love” was not about heartbreak, it was about revenge. “Please” is about heartbreak. It’s about death. It’s about living. I begin softly singing the words on the sheet in front of me as the music plays...

I don’t want to wait anymore.

I love you, you, you.

I don’t want to wait to make you mine.

I love you, you, you.

But I’ll wait forever if you need.

I keep singing even when the band stops, singing new words that just fit.
 

Just keep breathing

Keep your heart beating

Don’t let me lose my love.

I can’t lose my love.

I won’t lose my love.

I’ll breathe for you.

Lend my heart to you.

Just don’t lose my love.

I scribble the words down on the piece of paper as I go. Steven tries to pick up the melodies of the notes I hit with each word, matching them on his guitar.
 

I’m destroyed without you

Destined to a life of pain.

Please, I just can’t lose you

I’ll never be the same.
 

But I’ll let you go if you need.

Tear out my heart til I bleed.
 

I’ll watch you love another man.
 

This is my prayer.
 

This is my plea.
 

Please find love.

Please ...

I stop singing. Unable to finish the song. I’m not ready to face it yet. I can’t.
 

“I need a break,” I say standing from the small stool I was sitting on.
 

“But we just had a break,” Steven says.
 

“Keep working on putting music to the lyrics I just wrote.” I grab the white piece of paper with the scribbled words off the music stand and hand it to Steven.
 

“I’ll be back in a few. I just need a break.” I walk out of the room that feels like a cage. I walk down the hallway and out of the building till I taste fresh air. I don’t just need a break from writing music; I need a break from my life.

***

I look at the clock sitting on my nightstand next to my bed. 7:45am. Fifteen minutes until the end of my life. Until I face my execution or at least what feels like my execution. My life will never be the same. I slowly get dressed, putting each leg into my dark jeans as slowly as possible without losing my balance. Maybe if I move slowly, time will move just as slowly. I glance back up. 7:47am. Nope. Time is still moving.
 

I walk to my closet and pull out a plain black V-neck shirt. I slip it on. I walk to the bathroom to glance at my appearance in the mirror, but when I get there, all I see is a desperate, sad man. A man I haven’t seen in years. I have everything. Money, fame, a career I love. I never wanted anything more. I never wanted love, and marriage, and kids. I had music. I didn’t need anything else. Now, after tasting love, I realize how hollow my life really is. How empty.
 

I have to find a way back to the man I was before love. The man who just wanted sex, money, and shiny toys. Caroline will help me find that man again, or she’ll kill me. Either way, this man staring back at me will be gone.
 

I walk out of the bathroom and then out of my bedroom. I glance quickly back at the clock before leaving my bedroom. 7:51. Nine minutes left. I walk slowly down the hall and down the staircase that takes me to my living area. It feels weird to walk so slowly. I usually take the stairs two at a time but not now. Now, I take every step slowly wishing there were more.
 

Drew is waiting at the bottom of the stairs. A scowl covers his face, and he has a confrontational gleam in his eyes.
 

“You don’t have to do this.”
 

I chuckle. “Yes, I do. And why are you trying to stop me? You’ve wanted me to do this every day for the last year.”
 

“Yes because it is the only way to keep your secrets buried. But I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. We can find another way to keep your secrets buried.”
 

“Maybe, but that’s not why I’m doing this.” I walk past Drew and take a seat on my couch to wait out my fate.
 

I don’t have to wait long. Maybe a minute or two. I don’t have any clocks in my living room. I don’t wear a watch, and I have yet to get a new phone. But I hear the knock and immediately get up to walk to the door. It takes me seventeen steps to get there. I count each one. It’s the only way I can keep my body moving forward.
 

I open the door to see Caroline dressed in a tight black dress as her long blond curls hang in perfect spirals. She looks like she is ready to party at some fancy bar instead of the business meeting this is. She has a lustful look in her eye as her eyes travel over my body. No doubt thinking about all the dirty things we could do together.