Alicia (34 page)

She had had a nightmare. Once again she had been seated at her dining table in Tetterton with Francis Tackar seated opposite. The bonnet was no longer lying on the table, but she was seated naked before his gaze as he crunched fiercely at the partridge bones. He kept singing, “The bonnet, the bonnet, bring on the bonnet,”
and Mr. Gray had appeared with the bonnet perched precariously on his head. From beneath the floppy brim he had ogled Alicia and protested,
“I
have the bonnet now. She is mine to do with as I wish. Don’t be so greedy; you can have the other one. A child needs a guardian. That’s it, you shall be her guardian. Children should be a comfort; she will be a comfort to you.
This
one is mine.”
And he had reached out his pudgy hand to fondle her.

Confused, and with her brain still fogged by the dream, Alicia shrank away from Nigel as he climbed in beside her. An uncontrollable shiver shook her body.

“Are you cold, love? Shall I build up the fire?”
he asked gently.

“No. No, I am fine.”
She blinked nervously at him as he took her hand.

“You’re as cold as ice! Let me warm you.”
When he held her to him he was aware of her rigidity and he stroked her hair to calm her. Although she warmed from his contact, she did not relax in his arms. “Are you upset, Alicia?”

Still in the grip of the fear from her dream, she shook her head, more to reassure herself than in answer to him. “I am ready,”
she whispered.

“For what?”

“To oblige you.”

Nigel took her by the shoulders and held her away from him. “Don’t you
ever
do that again! Never, do you hear, Alicia?”

“Do what?”
she asked on a sob. “What have I done?”
Bewildered, and hurt by his anger, she could not restrain the tears that crept down her cheeks.

“Forgive me, love, for startling you.”
He cradled her in his arms and rocked her until the tears dried. “Do you think I cannot tell when you are frightened, Alicia? Am I so demanding that you must offer yourself to me when you don’t want to?”

“I wanted to please you,”
she choked.

“You would better please me by telling me what has upset you, my love.”

“I had a dream...about Mr. Tackar and Mr. Gray.”

“Gray? Just what happened here this morning, Alicia?”

Haltingly she repeated the remarks Mr. Gray had made. “It does not sound like much, I know, but I could tell that he had his information from those odious letters. He made my skin crawl, Nigel. I do not mind so much for myself, but Felicia. She will have to face people one day who will believe those lies.”

“And did you think to hide away at the Court, Alicia?”
he asked seriously. “I have done what I could to banish the gossip, but it will be necessary for you to be seen to set matters straight.”

“I don’t care what they say about me, Nigel.”

“Well, I do.”
The unbending steel was in his voice, though his hand continued to stroke her hair. “It is my intention to have you and Felicia presented at a drawing room this spring.”

“You never said so! Nigel, I have only once been to London. Really, there is no need.”

“It is important to me, Alicia. I have my own name to protect as well as yours. You must not forget my children. What scandal attaches to my name is inherited by them.”

“Then of course we shall go. I am ashamed that I did not think beyond myself.”
A flush rose to her cheeks, but she met his eyes earnestly. “I would do anything in my power to help you and the children. For so long there has just been Felicia, and I am not accustomed to my new family as yet. You will have to remind me when I am selfish. I don’t mean to be.”

“Dear Lord, Alicia, I would that you knew
how
to be selfish!”
He rumpled the auburn hair affectionately. “You must not think of going to London as purely a trial. There are delights to be found there that you could have nowhere else, and the sooner you are accepted there the more you will enjoy them. Not for the world would I hide you away at the Court when I know what pleasure you will find in the sights and the shops, the balls and the theater.”

“Felicia will be seventeen in March; that is young for her to come out.”

“Under the circumstances it is necessary, and I believe she won’t mind. Do you feel easier now, love?”

“Yes, Nigel, but I am exhausted,”
she replied tartly.

“Just so,”
he murmured with a grin. “Good night, my dear.”

“I am too old to be jauntering off to London, Nigel,”
his mother claimed pathetically. “The life here is perfectly suited to me at my advanced years. What need have you for me to accompany you and Alicia to town? I would be
de trop.”

He regarded his mother’s woeful countenance with fond exasperation. “We are going to bring Felicia out, Mother. You will know precisely how to go about it. You cannot expect Alicia to fathom the workings of London society. She has only once been there.”

“The girl is young; I see no reason why you should not wait until next year when Alicia will have had a chance to familiarize herself with the pattern.”

Nigel drew his chair closer to hers and commanded her attention with his penetrating gaze. “I need your help, Mother. No one but you can provide quite the same protection for my wife and her daughter.”

“Protection? Whatever are you talking about, Nigel?”

“I suppose you will need to know the whole story if you are to come with us, but I have no intention of telling you unless you plan to do so.”

Her curiosity piqued, the dowager grumbled, “If you do indeed need my assistance, I will of course accommodate you.”
Her eyes widened as he related the events of the past few months, with some information on Alicia’s history before she arrived in Tetterton. The light of battle grew in her eyes, and she proclaimed, “The poor dear! I had no idea. You might have told me.”

“No, but I tell you now because you will need to know what we face. Alicia is especially concerned for her daughter. I want no snubs or smirks to mar her visit. It will mean a very careful selection of guests at first, until the truth is established. I rely on you for that, Mother.”

“You may safely do so,”
the dowager replied enthusiastically, already turning over in her mind the most propitious plan of attack. Her new daughter-in-law had accepted the management of the house from the dowager with unusual consideration and frequent applications for advice, but the old woman could not deceive herself that her assistance was great. Alicia was not unfamiliar with the running of a house, although Katterly Grange could not compare in size or complexity with the Court. But here was something the dowager alone could accomplish, and she was grateful for the opportunity. “Leave everything to me, Nigel. No breath of scandal shall attach to our name or that of your wife and Felicia, I promise you.”

* * * *

In London the dowager had started her program with a dinner followed by cards, an evening which was notable for its quiet elegance. Amongst the guests were to be found nodding matriarchs of her own age, a larger number of couples of her son’s, and a sprinkling of younger people. These last included one of the Maple girls, as well as Charles March and his sister. Nigel had had no objection to Rowland’s coming to town with them, as he was still at the Court when the marquis and Alicia returned from their honeymoon. The young man’s attentions to Felicia continued steadily if less conspicuously in town.

“Let her spread her wings a bit, Rowland,”
Nigel had urged. “She will look to you for support when she needs it, and appreciate your being there, but this is a time for her to make her own place in society, to find new friends.”

Rowland did not protest at this pronouncement as he might have done several months previously. Although he knew his own mind, and had for some time, he agreed that Felicia should enjoy the freedom of learning hers. The bond between them had strengthened, but he could not be sure that she did not view him as a brother since he had made no advance toward her after Tackar's attempted rape. He was content for the time being to be around when she needed him.

As Charles March approached him during the card party, Rowland smiled ruefully. “I hope I told you how much I appreciated your coming to France with me. The journey home was a bit hazy.”

“I’m just glad you were around to make the journey home,”
his friend retorted, “and, yes, you thanked me, as did your uncle.”
His gaze wandered to where Felicia sat with his sister. “She doesn’t know anything about the duel or the letters?”

“No. I trust you will do what you can to see she is not bothered by any whisper of that gossip.”

“Glad to do what I can, Rowland. Are you still seeing that friend of your uncle’s?”

“No, I do not intend to resume the connection.”

“Mind introducing me to her?”
March asked with an impudent grin.

Rowland laughed. “I’ll take it under consideration. She’s a very gentle lady, Charles.”

“I can be a very gentle man, Rowland,”
his friend retorted.

“Then you shall have an introduction.”
Rowland noticed that Felicia had turned her gaze to him, and he smiled in return. “Shall we join your sister and Miss Coombs?”

* * * *

The court dresses chosen by Alicia and her daughter were flattering, but unwieldy. The night before their presentation Felicia practiced walking gracefully and curtsying in the hooped skirt. “Will that do, Mama?”

“Yes, love, even the queen will be enchanted,”
her mother assured her, laughter dancing in her eyes.

“How can you jest with me? I have never been so nervous. What if I trip or am tongue-tied? I would disgrace you and Papa Nigel.”

“Never think it. You would not be the first, in any case. Have you not been attending to the dowager’s tales of disaster at presentations?”

“Yes, and I can picture myself committing every
faux pas
she has mentioned,”
Felicia groaned.

“But you won’t, love. Remember that I am in the same position. Think instead of your ball; that should cheer you.”

“I cannot see why! The dowager has spent hours instructing me in how I should behave, and I know I shall not remember the half of it. Every moment I am not with Samantha Maple or Lucy March she seeks me out and bombards me with etiquette.”

“
You are not alone.
”
Her mother gave a lamentable sigh.
“
She finds my education as lacking as your own. I have no doubt she means well, but I find myself at the theater unable to attend to the performance because her voice is echoing in my ear,
‘
And never mention Methodism to Lady Rumtouch or you will not be quit of her for an hour.
’
I am sure I have never met Lady Rumtouch and could well live my life without the pleasure!
”

Felicia giggled.
“
She
’
s probably the one who fell asleep at the Maples
’
on Tuesday—and snored.
”

“No, no, I feel sure that was Lady Lowther. Seriously, love, do you not look forward to the ball?”

“Oh, yes. Several gentlemen have already asked me to save a set for them. I am to open the ball with Papa Nigel, of course, but Rowland has insisted that I be his partner for the second set.”
Her eyes glowed with happiness as she curtsied to an imaginary partner and accepted his arm, her head held high. Suddenly she stopped and asked, “Is it pleasant to be kissed, Mama?”

“Very, my dear, so long as you like the man who is kissing you. I have meant to speak with you again about men. When we talked before, I had nothing but bad experiences to speak from. It is otherwise now, Felicia. Intimacy can be a truly joyous expression of love, and I hope you will not fear it. If your husband is understanding and considerate, you need feel no embarrassment or uncertainty, but rather a marvelous physical release and spiritual joining.”

“I am so happy for you, Mama,”
Felicia said simply as she hugged her mother. “All the men here treat me just as they ought, you know, and I have come to believe that there are few like Mr. Tackar. I would not want just anyone to...to kiss me, but I am not so frightened at the thought anymore.”

“You may always come to me with your fears, Felicia. It is not unnatural to be nervous of what you have not experienced.”
Alicia kissed her daughter’s forehead and asked, “Shall I have Mavis come to you now?”

* * * *

The ballroom occupied the entire rear portion of the second floor, and it was aglitter with candlelight and the scent of the spring flowers that adorned every possible niche. The dowager surveyed the room and its occupants with satisfaction, her pleasure heightened by her son’s words of praise earlier in the evening. Alicia, too, had hugged the older woman and exclaimed, “It is truly magnificent! How can I thank you, ma’am?”

“By calling me Evelyn,”
she had responded abruptly, “and remembering what I have told you.”

“I shall do my best, Evelyn.”
Alicia was aware of the affection that the dowager held for her under her typically gruff manner. “You have made our stay a pleasure, and I had feared it. I am grateful to you.”

The dowager waved aside her thanks with an awkward gesture. “The vast numbers tonight make it impossible to assure you complete protection from that wretched rumor, my dear. Keep a sharp eye for any discomfort to your daughter.”

Alicia was reminded of her words as she watched her daughter going down the set on the arm of a young man she had only met that evening. Felicia’s countenance, which had been glowing a moment earlier, was now set rigidly, and she stumbled slightly in the steps. Alarmed, Alicia cast her eyes about the room for Nigel and with relief saw him approaching the set from one direction, and Rowland from another. A glance was exchanged between the two before they reached her daughter. Without the least commotion, and almost before she was aware of the change, the young man was leaving the floor with Nigel, and Rowland had taken his place in the set. The dance floor was crowded and the dancing spirited; no notice seemed to be taken of the incident. Alicia found the dowager’s eyes on her and watched the older woman’s nod of satisfaction.