Alice (2 page)

DAD
goes out towards the hall.

LEN:
We’re actually having a bit of trouble finding your dad’s hat.

DAD:
Oh, um. OK. In the hall?

MUM:
It’s over there on the buffet.

The hat is on the buffet table, on top of a plate of sausage rolls.

LEN:
Alf, did you put your hat on’t sausage rolls, silly bugger?

They go to retrieve
GRANDDAD
’s hat.

GUEST:
I thought the flowers were lovely.

GUEST:
She’s not been out the house, you know. Two weeks!

AUNTIE:
I mean it’s just SO sad. He was here and now he’s gone.

UNCLE:
Alright, love. You’ve had one too many sherries, that’s all.

The
WAITER
wheels a large TV into the middle of the room, with
ALICE
’s
DAD
following
behind.

DAD:
Hi everyone – hi –

Sorry, can I just have your –

The room goes quiet.

Thanks. Thanks.

So, Suzanne and I just wanted to say –

Thank you, for –

MUM
leaves the room.

For being here today, it means a lot to us. And. We found this – this bit of video, which we don’t think any of you will have seen because we think it was the last
thing he ever recorded, so –

Sorry.

So we wanted to show it to you. If you’d all like to gather round.

The guests all gather round to watch the TV.
ALICE
is in the middle of the group.

DAD
speaks to the
WAITER
, to get him to start the tape.

OK, thank you.

The guests watch as
JOE
’s voice, and then
ALICE
’s, come out of the screen.

JOE:
(Laughing.)
...Come on, don’t get the face on, I’m recording it now.

ALICE:
(On screen.)
I don’t want to –

JOE:
Right then, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, this is Alice’s birthday song...

(Strums a chord, sings the Artic Monkeys.)
Now then mardy bum...

In the video,
ALICE
comes over and hits him on the head. He laughs.

Ow.

The guests all look at
ALICE
.

ALICE:
(On screen.)
Stop doing stupid songs.

In the video,
ALICE
stamps out of the room.

JOE:
Al – come back, I’ve got your – It took me ages, come on.

OK, Alice is in a mard, so here’s her song and she can watch it when she’s feeling better. Happy Birthday Bumface.

(sings)

This song is like your brother, slightly rubbish but it’s yours,

Goes round and round inside your head,

It never seems to pause or finish.

But after quite a time you find it kind of wears you down,

Pretending not to listen but you’re struggling to frown.

(It’s your birthday.) So don’t frown.

This song is like your brother, it’ll try to make you laugh,

And when it learns to drive you’ll find it

Drops you off, picks you up from places.

It helps you with your homework, it’ll help you find your phone

It helps you feel less frightened and alone.

You’re not alone.

So Happy Birthday Alice,

This little song’s for you,

It’s not very original,

Your brother’s quite a throwback.

It’s the only thing I’ve got you

It’s the most I can afford

‘Cause of spending all my money on a

Skateboard.

This song is like your brother, it prefers its pizza cold,

And also, like your brother it’ll

Be here when you’re old and weary.

This song is like your brother, this brother’s like your song,

It’s got your back it’ll come back every

Birth – day – from – now – on...

Into riff on ‘Happy Birthday etc...’

The other guests disappear, until
ALICE
is left alone, watching the TV, lit only by the light from the screen. She is totally absorbed by the
video.

The only things left are
ALICE
, the armchair (on a strangely-shaped piece of carpet) and the TV.

The TV starts to disappear through the floor.
ALICE
gets up and goes towards it, willing it to stay.

After a moment,
ALICE
looks around her, finally realising the house has gone, that she’s alone in a blank space, with no idea where she
is.

A pair of long white ears appears through the seat of the armchair, followed shortly by a white motorbike helmet, (which the ears are growing out of), and underneath that,
wearing the helmet, a man all dressed in white.

He sees
ALICE
.

WHITE RABBIT:
Right. Excellent. Here you are. All ready?

The
WHITE RABBIT
climbs out of the chair.

ALICE:
What?

WHITE RABBIT:
Good, I should go. Got your helmet?

He looks down, realising he’s got his jacket on back to front.

Oh look at me.

He clumsily takes it off and puts it back on the right way round during the next (without noticing that it’s also inside-out).

ALICE:
Helmet?

WHITE RABBIT:
Didn’t they tell you?

ALICE:
What, who?

WHITE RABBIT:
Have you got any kind of hard hat with you?

ALICE:
A hat?

WHITE RABBIT:
Have you ever played that game where everything you say has to be a question?

ALICE:
Game?

WHITE RABBIT:
Yup, yes, very good.

ALICE:
I wasn’t playing a –

That’s still inside out.

WHITE RABBIT:
Oh. Dear.

He takes his jacket off again and turns it outside-out before putting it back on.

So you haven’t got a hard hat?

ALICE:
No, um –

WHITE RABBIT:
I’m sure you’ll be fine, just look out for the cabbages. Pretty lethal if you don’t see them coming.

Right, good, I must go.

The
WHITE RABBIT
goes back towards the armchair, in a hurry.

ALICE:
Where you going?

WHITE RABBIT:
I’ve got to, um –

ALICE:
You can’t go, what am I supposed to –

WHITE RABBIT:
You want me to stay here?

ALICE:
I mean – I mean – what’s going on? What is this?

WHITE RABBIT:
Right right yeah yeah.

Yeah, I’m not really
supposed
to –

It’ll get explained to you once you’re inside.

ALICE:
Once I’m inside what? I don’t want to go inside anything.

WHITE RABBIT:
I think actually, it’s not really, um. Optional.

ALICE:
What?

WHITE RABBIT:
Don’t shoot the messenger, OK? It’s pretty – Difficult to explain.

ALICE:
Sorry. Sorry.

Where’s my family? Where’s all our things?

WHITE RABBIT:
Where they always were. Mostly.

ALICE:
Are you being deliberately –

WHITE RABBIT:
There’s things I can’t tell you yet.

ALICE:
Why?

WHITE RABBIT:
Because you’ve sort of got to work them out for yourself?

ALICE:
OK. Well. I prefer having the answer and then working back from it, I’m that sort of –

The
WHITE RABBIT
looks at his watch, trying to be surreptitious, but
ALICE
sees.

Sorry, am I keeping you?

WHITE RABBIT:
What?

ALICE:
Tell me what’s going on.

WHITE RABBIT:
OK.

OK. You’ve gone into a kind of hole. A kind of –

It’s called a rabbit hole. Hence the, um
(He points to his ears.)

ALICE:
What am I here for?

WHITE RABBIT:
There’s something you need to go through before you can go back.

ALICE:
What if I don’t want to ‘go through’ something?

WHITE RABBIT:
You don’t really have a choice. The longer you fight it, the longer you’ll stay, actually. I’m told.

ALICE:
Stay here. In this room?

WHITE RABBIT:
Yup.

ALICE:
With you?

WHITE RABBIT:
Not so much.

ALICE:
But I can’t just –

You know, my parents are going to be really cross if I’ve gone off somewhere, they’ll be really cross at you.

WHITE RABBIT:
I think they’ve got other things on their minds, haven’t they?

ALICE
turns away from him. The
WHITE RABBIT
looks at his watch.

ALICE:
(In a small voice.)
So what do I have to do?

WHITE RABBIT:
Good question. Um.

He tries to remember.

Hang on – I wrote it down somewhere.

He starts to go through his pockets. He pulls out various scraps of paper.

Something about ‘you’ve got to’ – oh what was it?

He looks at a piece of paper.

Here we go – no that’s a receipt for some beans –

Oh, what was it? I did say it shouldn’t be my job to –

ALICE:
I really quite need to know.

WHITE RABBIT:
Yeah I know I know. Something about a
heart
– like, um, anyone who had a
heart
, or – total eclipse of the heart, or –

ALICE:
Heart attack?

WHITE RABBIT:
That’s it! ‘You’ve got to go right to the heart’.

ALICE:
What does that mean?

WHITE RABBIT:
You know, I’d love to stay here chatting but I’ve really got to get. On.

The
WHITE RABBIT
goes to the armchair and picks up one corner of the carpet underneath it – it turns out to be rigid, and he folds it upwards.
He continues to do so with the other corners, eventually making a wooden box (the same colour as the floor) which encloses the armchair.

ALICE:
But what does ‘go right to the Heart’ mean?

WHITE RABBIT:
You’ll work it out. Think of it like a lovely crossword or treasure hunt or something –

ALICE:
What you doing?

WHITE RABBIT:
You’ll be alright, you’ll find everything you need, don’t worry.

ALICE:
You said I needed a hard hat –

WHITE RABBIT:
DUCK!

ALICE
ducks, frightened. Nothing else happens. After a second she straightens up again.

Good reflexes, you’ll be fine.

The
WHITE RABBIT
climbs into the box, now fully constructed.

Go right to the heart – all you need to do.

The
WHITE RABBIT
closes the lid, shutting himself inside the box.
ALICE
runs towards it.

ALICE:
No, wait, where are you –

ALICE
tries to find the lid of the box.

How does this open? How does this –

ALICE
hammers on the box with her fist.

Come out I want to talk to you.

Please come out.

Please don’t leave me.

The box starts to sink into/through the floor.

No no no no no no no.

Wait, don’t –

Don’t go. Please.

ALICE
kicks the box, angry.

Don’t bloody leave me here.

She kicks the box again, hurting her foot this time. She sinks to the floor, clutching her foot.

Ow that hurt that hurt.

ALICE
watches the box disappear through the floor, and the floor seal itself up again.

She looks up. She looks around at an almost bare room.

So what’s –

Where. Is –

Who. Was –

Who. Um. Am –

She stands up. Her foot still hurts from kicking the box.

Where’s my mum and dad?

Ow. Ow, that. Ow. Ow that hurts.

Where’s the man gone with the ear things, rabbit things, ears?

Not here.

Ow.

OK. Get out. If you can get in, got to be able to get out, surely.

I mean, how did I – How did I get in?

Where’s the door?

Where would they put the door?

If I was making this room, where would I put the door?

Ow, is that a splinter?

If I was a complete mentalist and I was making a deliberately confusing room, where would I put the door?

On the ceiling.

ALICE
looks up.

There isn’t a ceiling. Brilliant.

ALICE
looks down again and sees a table over the other side of the room.

That – That wasn’t there. That was not there – that’s come from –

Where did that come from?

It must’ve – I must just not’ve seen it it’s OK.

ALICE
goes over to the table. There’s a key on it.
ALICE
picks it up.

OK. OK, for what?

ALICE
turns around. There’s a tiny door across the other side of the room.

Right. Is that –

If that’s the way out then it’s a rubbish one, if that’s the only way out.

Is that seriously the –

How’m I supposed to get through that?

This is stupid.

ALICE
looks at the table. There’s a small bottle on it which wasn’t there before.