Alice (14 page)

WHITE RABBIT:
Call Mr M. Hatter!

The call is heard being repeated down the hallway several times, then the
HATTER
’s voice is heard approaching.

HATTER:
(Off.)
Yes yes, I’m coming I’m coming. Get your hands off me. Can’t a chap finish his tea first?

The
HATTER
flies into court, as if pushed backwards. He has a cup of tea in one hand, and a piece of bread and butter in the other.

When he sees the
QUEEN
he bows low.

Your majesty.

QUEEN:
I know you.

HATTER:
Yes, your majesty. I was, lately, milliner to the queen.

KING:
Mr Hatter – I understand you saw the tarts being stolen by the Knave.

KNAVE:
Objection! Leading the witness.

QUEEN:
Overegged.

KING:
Mr Hatter?

HATTER:
Yes yes, I saw it. I saw him take the tarts.

KING:
Go on – where were you?

HATTER:
I was standing on the edge of the woods, just minding my own business when I saw the royal tarts being taken for a cooling stroll and I thought aw
bless her, bless the queen –

QUEEN:
Get on with it.

HATTER:
Yes, so just as I was thinking this, along comes a man and takes the tarts clean away. Horrified, I was. Rooted to the spot.

KING:
Did you have a good look at the man?

HATTER:
I’ve never seen a more evil looking face.

KING:
And do you see the man here in court?

HATTER:
Yes, your majesty. Him.

The
HATTER
points at the
WHITE RABBIT
. The public gallery gasps.

The
QUEEN
coughs.

I mean him, there.

The
HATTER
points at the
KNAVE
.

The Knave of Hearts. Definitely him.

KING:
No further questions.

The
KING
sits down at his desk.

WHITE RABBIT:
Appearing for the defence: The Knave of Hearts.

ALICE:
He’s defending himself?

KNAVE:
Mr Hatter –

The
KNAVE
looks at the
KING
, pointing to the barrier around him.

I can’t – I can’t do it from behind here, can I?

QUEEN:
Then you shouldn’t have stolen the tarts!

KNAVE:
Can I come out for the cross-examination at least?

KING:
Let him out. But keep an eye on him.

One side of the pen is opened by an
OFFICIAL
, and the
KNAVE
comes out.

KNAVE:
Mr Hatter?

HATTER:
Yes.

KNAVE:
Mr M. Hatter.

HATTER:
Yes.

KNAVE:
What does the M stand for?

HATTER:
I don’t know, um. Nothing.

KNAVE:
Do you like jam, Mr Hatter?

HATTER:
Oh yes. Who doesn’t like jam?

KNAVE:
How often would you say you got to enjoy some lovely jam?

HATTER:
Oh, hardly ever. All jam property of the queen.

KNAVE:
What if there was some jam the queen didn’t know about?

HATTER:
I don’t know what jam you mean.

The
KNAVE
is standing close to the
HATTER
and changes his tone, switching to a friendlier voice.

KNAVE:
Mr Hatter, you said you were just having your tea?

HATTER:
Oh yes. Tea time.

KNAVE:
What would you normally have for your tea? On a normal day?

HATTER:
Tea.

KNAVE:
And to eat?

HATTER:
Bread and butter.

KNAVE:
That’s a nice necktie, by the way.

HATTER:
Thank you very much.

KNAVE:
Shame it’s got something on it.

The
HATTER
looks down at the tie.

HATTER:
Oh, just a bit of jam.

The courtroom gasps in horror. The
HATTER
realises too late that he’s been tricked.

I mean – I mean –

That? Oh, just a bit of Hendersons.

The
KNAVE
turns to the court
OFFICIAL
who has been furiously writing down everything being said.

KNAVE:
Would you read back what the Hatter said to me in response to my question about the spot on his necktie?

OFFICIAL:
‘Oh just a bit of jam’

KNAVE:
‘
Oh just a bit of jam’
. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I would ask you to consider carefully the trustworthiness of this
man’s evidence. I would say that Mr M Hatter – what does the M stand for again?

HATTER:
Mad.

KNAVE:
Mad?

HATTER:
But it doesn’t mean –

KNAVE:
How can we take anything this man says seriously when he’s both mad and a jam smuggler?

HATTER:
I haven’t done anything.

KNAVE:
Where did you get the jam from, then?
The inside of a tart
?

The
HATTER
points at the
QUEEN
.

HATTER:
She gave it to me! They brought it on a teaspoon. They said ‘pretend you saw it and you’ll get a whole jar’.

The courtroom gasps. The
QUEEN
blushes.

QUEEN:
Oh well, everybody knows he did it anyway.

KING:
Witness dismissed.

The
HATTER
is manhandled out of the court by several officials.

HATTER:
I’m sorry your majesty! I’m sorry.

QUEEN:
Off with his head!

The
QUEEN
settles back into her chair, unable to look the
KING
in the eye.

KING:
Next witness?

The
KNAVE
is led back to the pen, and the square is closed around him.

WHITE RABBIT:
Call the Duchess!

The call echoes down the hall again.

KING:
I hope you haven’t messed with this one, my dear.

The
DUCHESS
is brought in and curtsies elaborately to the
QUEEN
.

DUCHESS:
Dearest Queenie.

The
QUEEN
folds her arms and looks away.

QUEEN:
Can’t stand the sight of her.

DUCHESS:
Now don’t be a meanie Queenie – I’ve come to help you.

The
DUCHESS
tries to get closer to the
QUEEN
but a couple of officials lead her to the witness box.

The
KING
stands up to question her.

KING:
Just to confirm your identity, you are –

DUCHESS:
I saw it. I saw it happen. I was standing at the edge of the wood, close to where I live, just minding my own business when out of nowhere,
he
comes along. Mr Sneaky. The Knave of Hearts. And takes the tarts clean away. Ask the poor cook’s boy, he was as shocked as I was.

QUEEN:
The cook’s boy is no longer with us.

DUCHESS:
Dismissed?

QUEEN:
His head was dismissed from his shoulders, yes.

DUCHESS:
I could tell, you know, what wonderful tarts they were. Organic flour, locally sourced, seasonal ingredients –

QUEEN:
Oh shut up. Get her off.

KING:
Thank you, no further questions.

DUCHESS:
Don’t you want to ask me about –

KING:
Your witness.

The
KNAVE
once again steps out from behind his barrier and approaches the witness box.

KNAVE:
The Duchess and I already know each other, of course, having both enjoyed the Queen’s best-friendship at one time. Happy days, yes?

DUCHESS:
I was at the palace every day. We’d talk, go shopping...

KNAVE:
And I suppose you imagined that would always be the case.

DUCHESS:
Yes.

KNAVE:
But then something happened, didn’t it?

DUCHESS:
A baby happened. And she stopped wanting to be friends with me.

QUEEN:
A terrible child!

KNAVE:
She seemed, suddenly, what – frosty? Dismissive?

DUCHESS:
Angry – I didn’t know what I’d done.

The
KNAVE
hands the
DUCHESS
a tissue.

KNAVE:
So when you saw me stealing the tarts that must have seemed like a good opportunity – when you saw me pinching those delicious tarts –
what flavour were they? I’ve forgotten.

DUCHESS:
Apricot.

KNAVE:
Apricot jam tarts.

DUCHESS:
Yes.

KNAVE:
When you saw me walking away with an armful of
apricot
jam tarts –

KING:
Objection! Leading the witness.

The
KNAVE
pulls off the cloth covering the tarts.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think you’ll agree with me that these tarts are without a shadow of a doubt made with strawberry rather than apricot jam.

DUCHESS:
I’m colourblind!

KNAVE:
I put it to you, Duchess, that you took it upon yourself to come here without the least evidence, purely for personal gain –

QUEEN:
Witness dismissed.

DUCHESS:
But I only wanted to please you –

QUEEN:
Off with her head!

The
DUCHESS
is led out of the courtroom, wailing.

The officials try to lead the
KNAVE
back to his pen, but he struggles.

KNAVE:
You can’t put me in there now – you haven’t got a leg to stand on.

QUEEN:
I’ve got as many legs to stand on as I want – I won’t have it –
someone
must have seen what happened –

The
QUEEN
looks around the courtroom.
ALICE
stands and puts her hand up.

ALICE:
I did.

The courtroom turns to look at
ALICE
.

That is, I um. I saw him take them.

The
KING
comes over to
ALICE
.

KING:
Did you
really
?

ALICE:
I really did, I promise.

The
KING
turns to the
QUEEN
.

KING:
Permission to call another witness.

QUEEN:
Bestowed!

The
KNAVE
comes towards
ALICE
, snarling, but is led back to his pen by the officials.

WHITE RABBIT:
Call Alice!

ALICE
is led to the witness box. The
KING
approaches.

KING:
Now, tell the court what you saw, as much as you can remember.

Take your time.

ALICE:
I was standing near where the Hatter lives,

KING:
Minding your own business?

ALICE:
I was trying to work out how to get home. And I saw a boy pulling a trolley with some tarts on it. And then when the boy wasn’t looking I saw
the Knave –

KING:
Did you know who he was?

ALICE:
No, I didn’t know then. But I recognised him straight away the next time I saw him, at the croquet.

KING:
And you saw him take the tarts.

ALICE:
Yes, and then he saw me and he said if I told anyone he’d kill me.

The courtroom gasps.

KING:
That he’d kill you.

ALICE:
Yes.

The courtroom gasps.

KING:
This man here?

ALICE:
Yes.

KING:
I rest my case.

QUEEN:
Case closed. Off with his head!

KNAVE:
But I haven’t asked any questions –

QUEEN:
I’m bored now.

KNAVE:
Your majesty, please. One last thing before I say goodbye to my head.

QUEEN:
Go on then.

The
KNAVE
comes out from behind his barrier.

KNAVE:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, permit me to introduce a new piece of evidence.

The
KNAVE
takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.

This was found in Alice’s pocket. I think you’ll agree it’s very. Enlightening.

ALICE
feels her pocket – it’s now empty.

ALICE:
But how did you –

KNAVE:
(Reading.)

Twas brillig and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe...

ALICE:
It’s just a silly poem.

KNAVE:
I think not.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch –

Jaws that bite what, may I ask? Claws that catch tarts?

I think it’s pretty clear this is a document written by someone plotting a tart theft –