Ain't No Sunshine (16 page)

"What?"

"Not here.  Where are you staying?  You better go before he gets home.  I don't want any problems."  Matthew scribbled something down on a sheet of paper, gave my mother a long hug, and scrambled out the door.

 The next day was Adelaide's
wedding.
She was marrying Julius's brother, Timothy, so I had been invited. But I had never considered actually going until I found out Ruthie was in the wedding. I knew she would look beautiful. I had to see her again.

As I was straightening my tie, my mother poked her head in my room. "I need you to take me somewhere," she said.

I stared at her in a moment of confusion. My mother wanted to leave the house? The only time she ever left the house was for church or social events mandated by my father. Where was she going on a Saturday afternoon, and without my father?

"I have to talk to Matthew," she said, as if perceiving my confusion. "I need you to take me to his motel."

Mentioning Matthew brought back another question of mine.

"Mother, how old
are
you?"

She turned away and rubbed her neck. "You're never supposed to ask a lady her age," she said, trying to make a joke.

"Mother, I need the truth. There are too many secrets in this family."

She sighed. "Okay, if you must know -- I'm thirty-eight."

"What?" I said, a little more forcefully than I meant to.

My mother covered her head and cowered as if she believed I would hit her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell," I said softly as I put my hand on her back. Her reaction brought tears to my eyes. How could she ever think I would strike her? I rubbed her back for a moment,
then
slowly folded her into a hug. She cried into my chest.

I took a deep breath before saying, "Okay, so you're not Matthew's mother. It's not possible. He's thirty-five and you're thirty-eight." I don't know how I didn't pick up their ages before. How did I not notice that they were practically the same age? But then again, I was only five when he left. At that age, all I knew was that she was my mother and Matthew was my brother. I just assumed she was his mother too.

"So Theodore is Matthew's father, my father, and Ruthie's father.
But we all have different mothers." I said by way of summary. I was still trying to wrap my head around everything. The realization of our parentage made me hate my father even more. He'd had three children by three different women, yet he led a congregation as if he had some sort of moral authority. What’s more, he took no responsibility for his actions. He blamed Ruthie's mother for forcing him to stray. I wondered what the story with Matthew’s mother was.

"What happened to Matthew's mother? Was Theodore married before you?" I asked.

My mother shook her head. "I'll tell you everything. I promise. I just need to speak to Matthew first."

After dropping off my mother, I found myself sitting in Livingston's only predominantly black church. Standing next to his brother at the altar, Julius gave me a shocked look. He was surprised to see me, considering I had barely left my house in months. After the shock wore off, he smiled and gave me a wave.

When the music started, Ruthie was the first to walk down the aisle. The sight of her paralyzed me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I bet Ruthie had convinced Adelaide to make the bridesmaid's dresses yellow. Ruthie always looked amazing in yellow -- today was no exception. Even when the music changed and everyone stood up to get a better look at the bride coming down the aisle, I continued to stare at Ruthie.

I made sure I chose a seat that would put me in Ruthie's direct line of sight as she stood at the altar. But she still did everything she could to avoid eye contact with me. She shifted her body to awkward angles as her eyes darted every which way except toward me.

Another bridesmaid leaned forward and whispered in Ruthie's ear, probably telling her to stop moving. Finally, Ruthie's gaze settled upon me. Once our eyes locked, they stayed that way for the rest of the ceremony. When the preacher said the words "man and wife," a tear spilled down Ruthie's cheek.

After the ceremony, I tried to get Ruthie alone so we could talk. I wanted to tell her about Matthew. She would be so excited to see him. But Ruthie had no intention of dredging up the past with me.

"Can we talk?" I asked, grabbing her arm outside the church.

"Let's not do this, Stephen. Let's not put ourselves through any more pain."

"But Ruthie, it's important."

She shook her head and pulled her arm free. "Let it go. Let us go." She ran down the four steps in front of the church and hopped into a station wagon with the other bridesmaids. A dust cloud bloomed behind it as it sped off down the dirt road. I knew it was headed to the old firehouse where the reception was being held. I never imagined myself attending an all-black wedding reception, but I had to go. I had to talk to Ruthie.

***

"I can't believe you actually came," Julius said, tackling me with a bear hug. "You're not the most social person."

"Yeah, well, I guess it's about time I start working on that."

Julius gave me a skeptical look,
then
followed my gaze across the room to where Ruthie was dancing with Adelaide's brother.
"Yeah right.
I know what you have on your mind. You're not
gonna
start another fight, are you?" he asked only half-joking.

I shook my head. "I'm past that. There's no hope for Ruthie and me. I know that now. I just want to talk to her."

Julius nodded while sipping his drink. The music changed to
Boogie Shoes
by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Ruthie left her partner and headed toward the wedding party's table.

"Hey, how about I help you out. I'll go dance with her and in two minutes, you come and cut in."

Julius took a step away. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "You want me to dance? I can't dance."

He laughed. "That
ain't
my problem. It's your only hope. She's not going to cause a scene and refuse to dance with you. She wouldn't want to ruin Adelaide's party like that. So I suggest you put on your
boogie shoes
and cut in." Julius smiled at his little joke,
then
went to ask Ruthie for a dance.

My stomach stirred as I saw Julius lead Ruthie to the dance floor. I didn't know what made me more nervous, the fact that in a few moments I would be inches away from Ruthie or the fact that in a few moments everyone would be staring at the uncoordinated white boy. I did a quick scan of the party. Yep, I was the only white person. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It didn't matter, I was only doing this so I could have some alone time with Ruthie.

I strolled to the middle of the dance floor, trying to exude confidence. I barely tapped Julius on the shoulder once before he ducked out of the way, leaving Ruthie standing in front of me.

"Hi, Ruthie."

She sighed. "Stephen, I -"

"Let's dance," I said, cutting off whatever excuse she was about to formulate. I started hopping back and forth to the music, trying to imitate what Julius had been doing a moment before. From the smile that erupted across Ruthie's face I could tell I hadn't even come close.

Mercifully, the song ended after only a few more seconds. But then
These Arms of Mine
started playing, the song we first made love to.

Ruthie's eyes widened. She turned to leave, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her close to me. Her body was tense as I placed my hands on her waist. I buried my face in her hair and breathed in her scent. She smelled of vanilla, just like she had during our first kiss when we were only thirteen.

Slowly, she melted in my arms and returned my embrace. I wondered what she was thinking, but I wasn't brave enough to ask. I didn't want to ruin the moment. For just one song I wanted to pretend that everything was right in the world and that our love was acceptable. Even though it had been two years since I'd held her like this, I knew she still loved me. Two years wasn't enough time to break our connection.

"I thought I was over you," she said suddenly. "Every day for two years I woke up in the morning and told myself that what I felt for you was wrong. I tried to stamp out my feelings. I thought I had won. That's why I agreed to come back this weekend. I thought I was completely over you. But one look at you and everything came flooding back."

She still loved me! I couldn't respond. I thought I might start crying if I did. So instead, I just pulled her closer.

It wasn't until people started bumping into us while dancing to an Earth, Wind, and Fire song that either of us realized the Otis Redding song was over. Ruthie pulled away from me.

"I can never come back again. This is our last goodbye," she said before running off the dance floor.

I was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Then suddenly I remembered the real reason I wanted to talk to her. Matthew. I hadn't even brought up Matthew.

I ran after her and caught up with her in the parking lot.

"Ruthie, wait!"

"No, Stephen. I can't. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come back."

I ran in front of her and blocked her path. "Matthew's alive!" I blurted before something else got in the way.

Ruthie crossed her arms and shook her head. "I can't believe you’re resorting to using Matthew's name. That's pathetic, Stephen."

She tried to step around me, but I held her in place by grabbing her shoulders.

"I'm not resorting to anything. He's alive. I saw him with my own eyes."

"You'd say anything to get me to stay."

I sighed. "You're probably right. But you have to trust me, Ruthie. You know me. You know I wouldn't lie about something like this."

Ruthie studied my eyes, searching for the truth.

"You have to believe me. Don't you want to see him?"

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I believe that you really believe this fantasy, which means you're worse off than I thought. You need help, Stephen."

"Fine, if it's a fantasy then come and
prove
it to me. Come show me how much help I need."

She sighed heavily. "Okay, let's go."

 I knocked on Matthew's motel room door for a full five minutes. No one answered. My mother should have been there. I'd dropped her off at this very door right before the wedding. Ruthie stood next to me with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face. Her attitude might have really bothered me if I wasn't so worried about the whereabouts of my mother and Matthew. What if my father found out Matthew was in town?

I ran to the front office to see if I could find out any information.

"Excuse me, ma'am," I said to the woman behind the counter. "I'm looking for the guest in room six, Matthew Phillips; do you know when he left?"

The clerk picked up her clipboard and blew a bubble with her gum. "
Ain't
no
Matthew Phillips in room six," she said.

Ruthie sighed and touched my arm. "Stephen, just give it up, okay?"

"There's a Matthew Clare in room six. He done left ‘bout
a
hour ago
wit
some blonde woman."