Agatha Raisin: As The Pig Turns (22 page)

Soon the hospital was surrounded. In the abandoned cart, they found a syringe full of cyanide. Bill Wong, hurrying to the hospital, wondered if he would ever get a decent night’s sleep
again. But Tulloch – and it must have been Tulloch, for who else would want to kill Simon? – had disappeared.

Simon was once more removed to a private room with a policeman on guard outside. He had a sudden longing for the abrasive person of Agatha Raisin.

Agatha was awakened by the shrill ringing of the phone by her bedside. She squinted at the clock. Three in the morning? She picked up the phone.

‘It’s me, Simon,’ the voice on the other end whispered. ‘Don’t hang up.’

‘What do you want, you sneaky little toad?’ demanded Agatha.

‘Tulloch’s been here at the hospital.’ He rapidly told her what had happened, ending up by saying, ‘I need to see you.’

‘God knows why,’ said Agatha acidly. ‘Look, you’re no longer in intensive care, I gather. So I’ll be along in the morning when they allow visitors.’

She slept uneasily for the rest of the night. Every rustle in the thatched roof made her think of Tulloch crawling up there; every creak from the old timbers made her think he was trying to find
a way in.

I have never been this frightened for so long, thought Agatha miserably. Oh, for the boring life of lost teenagers and cats back again. I swear I’ll never complain.

Agatha took her time getting to the hospital. She went to Achille in Evesham to get her hair done before going to see Simon.

Simon saw her approach through the open door of his room and called to the policeman on guard to let her in.

‘Glad to see you’re looking stronger,’ said Agatha gruffly. ‘But I can now tell you, you are one sneaky piece of work.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Simon. His thick hair was ruffled up, and he looked very young. ‘The fact is I’m terrified. Every doctor who enters the room makes me shiver.
It’s going to be one horror of a night ahead.’

‘How did you leap to the conclusion that one bent copper would try to buy an expensive car?’ asked Agatha.

‘It’s the sort of thing I thought he might do. Most chaps who win the lottery, well, the first thing they want is a flashy car.’

Boys and their toys, thought Agatha. ‘If only we could catch him,’ she said, half to herself. ‘He’s one mad psycho.’

‘I’ve an awful feeling he’ll try again,’ said Simon.

Agatha looked at him thoughtfully. She was tired of the police treating her like a bumbling amateur when they wouldn’t even have found the drugs factory if it hadn’t been for
her.

‘I see you’ve got a private bathroom,’ she said.

‘Want to use it?’

‘No, not now. See, it’s like this. All Tulloch has to do to get at you again is put on a white coat and look like a doctor.’

‘There’s a police guard outside.’

‘That wouldn’t matter if Tulloch disguises himself a bit, pinches some doctor’s outfit and name tag. Quick stab in your arm with a syringe and it’s goodbye, Simon, hello,
psycho.’

‘I wish you hadn’t come,’ said Simon. ‘I didn’t think it was possible to be any more frightened than I am, but you’ve just proved it’s
possible.’

‘Listen! I’ll come back here towards the end of visiting hours. You distract the copper by calling him to the window and saying you thought you saw Tulloch outside in the grounds.
I’ll nip into the bathroom and stay there for the night on guard.’

‘Agatha! Tulloch is as strong as an ox. You’d never be able to overpower him, and he’d probably have dealt with that poor policeman.’

‘Don’t you worry about that.’

‘You’re crazy!’

‘Then lie there and tremble for all I care.’

‘Okay,’ said Simon reluctantly. ‘I can do with all the protection I can get.’

Agatha went from the hospital to her office. She did not plan to tell any of them or Charles of her plans. If anyone was going to be put in danger, then it would be
herself.

Toni was still resting at the vicarage. She gave Phil and Patrick a few jobs to clear up, dictated letters to Mrs Freedman and then said she felt a bit shaky and would go home and rest.

Just before the end of visiting hours, she arrived carrying a large bag containing two flasks of coffee and a packet of sandwiches. At her signal, Simon called to the policeman that he thought
he had just seen Tulloch. The policeman came rushing in to join him at the window, and Agatha nipped into the bathroom and closed the door.

Simon came in later to clean his teeth. ‘It may have backfired. All that happened was that there were police all over the hospital for most of the evening.’

‘There are four police guards at the entrance,’ said Agatha.

‘Good,’ said Simon. ‘Now, I have to pee.’

‘I’ll turn my back and promise not to peek,’ said Agatha, ‘and keep your voice down.’

The night wore on. Agatha drank cup after cup of coffee, willing herself to stay awake. Sometimes she could hear footsteps in the corridor outside and stiffened, waiting. She
longed to be able to go outside and check if the policeman was still alert and on guard. There should have been two of them, she thought. What if he wanted to go to the loo? Her heart sank. The
intelligent thing would be to use the loo in Simon’s bathroom.

Her eyes were just beginning to droop when she heard voices outside. She opened the bathroom door a crack.

‘Thought you’d never get here,’ she heard what she recognized as the policeman’s voice say. ‘I’m knackered. Don’t recognize you. You’re not from
headquarters.’

‘Over from Worcester,’ she heard another voice say. ‘They’re drafting us in from all over.’

Agatha trembled. Didn’t that new voice have a slight Scottish burr?

Simon was fast asleep. How could he sleep in the middle of all this? thought Agatha angrily.

She kept the door open a crack. A man in police uniform was cautiously approaching the bed where Simon lay. And then, horrified, Agatha saw the glimpse of a syringe in his hand. She seized a
porcelain bedpan and crept up behind him. As he gently pulled up the sleeve of Simon’s hospital nightgown, Agatha smashed the bedpan down on the back of his head.

Simon woke up with a scream. Agatha bent down and heaved the now unconscious man over. Tulloch! Footsteps could be heard racing along the corridor, and suddenly the room was full of
policemen.

‘It’s Tulloch!’ said Agatha. ‘I hope I haven’t killed him.’

Tulloch groaned and tried to sit up. A hospital trolley was brought in, and he was handcuffed to it and wheeled away for treatment.

It transpired that the policeman who had left thinking his tour of duty was over had told the police at the entrance to the hospital that he had been replaced by a man from Worcester. He was
told he was supposed to be replaced by a policeman from Mircester, and they had all rushed back up to Simon’s room in time to find Agatha holding a bedpan and Tulloch on the floor.

Epilogue

Agatha Raisin was not a heroine. That was borne firmly in on her by Inspector Wilkes. She was not to talk to the press because it was all sub judice until the court case was
over.

In vain did she point out that if it hadn’t been for her intervention, Simon would be dead. As she wearily left police headquarters the following morning, she thought about calling the
media and leaking the story but decided against it. A really angry police force might start to interfere in her business, and she needed their goodwill.

All that appeared on television that day and in the newspapers on the following day was that a man had been arrested and charged with the attempted murder of Simon Black.

But it couldn’t be kept quiet. A male nurse told his friend about Agatha hiding in the bathroom and braining Tulloch with a bedpan, so the gossip swirled round and on to the reporting
desks of the local newspapers.

Stories about Agatha began to appear in the press. She diplomatically replied that she could not say anything until after the court case.

Five days after her adventure, Bill Wong came to tell her that Tulloch was suing her for grievous bodily harm. ‘He can’t do that!’ wailed Agatha.

‘Get yourself a lawyer. He won’t get away with it, but we have to go through the motions, not to mention the miles and miles of paperwork. How are you feeling?’

‘Relieved. I can get my old life back. Work has been suffering because of all this Tulloch business.’

‘Where’s Charles?’

‘I thought he would be round, but I haven’t heard from him. Roy is due to arrive. He feels he’s missing out on a bit of free publicity. What about you and Alice?’

Bill actually blushed. ‘They don’t like staff getting together. I’d like to ask her out, but she might refuse. She values her job and wouldn’t want to put it in
jeopardy.’

‘Look at my cats, crawling all over you!’ exclaimed Agatha. ‘The only signs of affection I get from them are when they want food.’

‘I’m sure they’re fond of you. Is that someone at the door?’

It was Roy, resplendent in a white cotton suit, striped shirt and silk tie. His hair was conventionally cut.

‘Who are you representing?’ asked Agatha. ‘Someone conventional?’

‘No, it’s a new boy band called the Irreproachable. They dress square, so I’m supposed to fit in.’

‘You look good.’

‘I’m off,’ said Bill. ‘See you in court.’

Once he had taken his overnight bag up to the spare room, Roy demanded to know all the details.

‘Let’s sit in the garden,’ said Agatha. ‘The weather’s lovely.’

‘You need a gardener,’ commented Roy. ‘It’s a jungle.’

‘Do you know,’ said Agatha, ‘I’ve been frightened to engage someone in case it should turn out to be Tulloch or someone from the gang. I’ll get someone
now.’

‘So tell me all about it.’

How unreal it all seemed now, thought Agatha as she told him what had happened.

When she had finished, Roy asked, ‘How’s Toni bearing up? I mean, I felt sick for ages after my kidnapping, but, I mean, thinking you’re going to get your face burnt
off!’

‘She’s been getting counselling and she seems to be all right. It’s hard to tell with Toni. She’d been staying at the vicarage, but she went back to her flat as soon as
she heard about Tulloch’s arrest. Do you know Tulloch is suing me for grievous bodily harm?’

‘He won’t get away with it, surely?’

‘It’s up to the Crown Prosecution Service, but in the meantime, I’d better get my lawyer on to it. You know, I’m almost tempted to ask Simon back.’

‘What! To work for you after he was prepared to sneak on your work to Mixden?’

‘Well . . . I know. It’s just he’s such a good detective. You see, I need someone with intuition. We don’t have the same resources as the police.’

‘But what if he works for you and takes a payoff from Mixden? And what about dumping that girl at the altar? What about chickening out of the army?’

‘The girl tricked him by saying she was pregnant. I don’t know that I blame him for not wanting to go back. It seems that Sergeant Sue is highly popular in the regiment, and Simon
got really trashed in the local papers for dumping her at the altar. Also, Mixden’s in trouble with the police. They’re trying to charge him with industrial espionage or something, but
it’s his word against Simon’s and nobody wants to believe a word Simon says any more.’

‘And what about Toni?’

Agatha looked singularly shifty. ‘I’ll have to ask her.’

Roy rose to his feet. ‘I’ll just run up to the vicarage and have a talk with Mrs Bloxby.’

‘Wait! I’ll come with you.’

‘I’d like a chat with her on my own. She’s better than any therapist.’

‘Oh, go,’ said Agatha huffily.

When Roy had left, Agatha sat miserably staring at the kitchen table. She suddenly felt very much alone. One of her cats, Boswell, jumped on her lap and stared into her face, and Hodge, the
other, climbed up her back and draped itself round her neck.

A tear rolled down Agatha’s face. ‘You wretched animals. You care after all!’

Roy was away for an hour. At times Agatha thought of simply leaving and abandoning him for the rest of the day.

Toni’s doorbell rang. Simon’s voice came through the intercom. ‘Can I come up?’

‘I suppose so,’ said Toni reluctantly, and let him in.

‘You still look a bit white,’ she said when Simon walked into the room. ‘When did they let you out?’

‘This morning.’ He sat down wearily in an armchair.

‘And why are you here?’

‘I couldn’t think of anywhere to go.’

‘Aren’t you living with your parents?’

‘They got me a flat. They keep looking at me with such disappointment in their eyes, I can’t bear it.’

‘I can understand them,’ said Toni. ‘I went for a job at Mixden because I thought Agatha had driven you into the army. When he suggested I spy on her, I walked out. Agatha can
be infuriating and meddling, but I owe her a lot.’

‘I wish I could work for her again. I mean, if I hadn’t had that flash of genius about searching car salesrooms, maybe no one would have got on to Tulloch.’

‘Simon! She wouldn’t even have you gift-wrapped. And you said how much you hated working for her!’

‘I know. But she did save my life. Maybe the reason she annoys me is because there’s a good bit of Agatha in me.’ He leaned forward. ‘Look, Toni, just suppose she did say
yes, what would you feel about it?’

‘Do you mean romantically or professionally?’

‘Professionally.’

‘I don’t know. I would like someone of my own age around. I seem to have got divorced from all my old school friends. I’m the odd girl out. I don’t like binge drinking.
They like to go to clubs on a Saturday night and get wasted.’

‘Nobody loves me either,’ said Simon gloomily.

‘Yeah. But you deserve it.’

‘Fancy going to a movie?’

‘What kind of movie?’

‘There’s a rerun of
Gigi
at the Classic. But you’ve probably seen it.’

‘No,’ said Toni. ‘That’s one I missed.’

‘Come on, then. Great musical. Great fun. What else were you planning to do?’

‘All right. But don’t get any ideas!’

‘None. I promise. I’m off women.’

‘I’ll just get my bag.’