Against the Tide (24 page)

“Have you ever lost anyone close to you, Meg?” His intense focus softens when he says my name but he keeps looking out to sea. “Have you ever lost someone so close to you that you thought a piece of your heart was lost too? Someone that was so special, that they felt like an integral part of you, of who you were, that you didn’t know how to function without them?”

My bottom lip starts to quiver as his words hit my heart and I feel the anguish in his voice. I listen to him with tears slowly making tracks down my cheeks. I’m not sure he’s specifically talking to me, I know he wants me to hear it, or he wouldn’t be speaking, but I think he also needs to hear it for himself out loud. “Have you ever lost someone in such a meaningless, unnecessary way that it makes your guts twist so tightly you think you’re going to pass out from the pain?” He swallows the despair in his throat and turns to look at me. “Lizzie was mine to look after, Meg. And I failed.” His emotional pain has clearly developed into a pain so fiercely physical that it’s evident in the way he moves his body. It’s so prominent in the lines around his eyes and I realise he’s lost his light, his purpose. My heart aches with pain for him and I try to push away the feeling that if I have this termination, my light may go out too.

“Finn …” I start with intention of telling him about the baby. But I question my intentions. Would it ease his pain? Would it ease my guilt? He deserves to know. He’s got every right to know. “I didn’t have anything to do with your sister’s death. I didn’t know…” I change my mind at the last minute, I can’t tell him. Hasn’t he already got enough demons to battle with, without me adding to his troubles? Why would he even believe me? I’m just a girl he screwed in an alley. We didn’t even know each other’s names.

“I know.” He looks me in the eye and nods with certainty, and I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. He sighs and looks back out to the sea. “But I can’t look at you without seeing her. I can’t think about you without seeing that night. You feed something in me, a desire, I can’t explain it. But you also hurt my heart in the most excruciating way possible. It breaks every time I see your pretty face.” There’s no malice in the tone of his voice, it’s laced with hurt and regret. “I’m sorry,” he offers giving a small defeated shrug. He stretches his hand out between us and I hesitate before deciding not to analyse his intentions and just go with it. I tentatively place my hand in his, and he closes his fingers gently around mine.

It hurt to tell her all of that. It stabs me in the gut to see the tears rolling down her cheeks and the pain I’ve caused her by telling her how I feel. I guess I just needed her to know how it is. Everything hurts. Lizzie, Mum, everything. I feel like I’m drowning, clinging on to the last raft of hope but my fingers are slipping and I can’t seem to grip it any tighter than I already am. We sit silently for a long time, looking out to the sun rising over the sea, the tiny little ripples on the water moving along toward us until they vanish and then it all starts again.

“I still don’t understand why you wanted to meet me,” she says quietly, slipping her hand out of mine and tucking it under her knees.

I sigh, not knowing what to tell her as it’s all so meaningless right now. My life is on the brink of collapse and no amount of revenge or justice is going to stop it falling away now. “I wanted to know how dangerous Damien Brooks really is, but it doesn’t really matter now, nothing matters.”

“Damien? Uh …I−”

“It’s okay. I get that he was your boyfriend. I get that you probably don’t want to talk badly about him.”

“No,” she protests quickly. “No, it’s not that. I never, I mean, he was just … Damien to me. He never did anything like that when I was around.”

“I thought as much. He’s hidden it all from you, am I right?”

“Yes, I guess. I never thought of him as dangerous until I saw that recording. Of course I knew about the drugs, I’m not stupid, but ... He wasn’t the only one that was hiding something though, was he?” Her chin dips to her chest with a sigh.

“You mean us?”

“Yes. I … I’ve never done anything like that before.” I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me, I never once thought that she made a habit of that kind of thing, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little relieved that she confirmed it. “I was in the wrong, but I just couldn’t stop it with you and … and I feel guilty because I shouldn’t have done it, but what he did was unforgivable, totally unforgivable.” I nod in agreement and she places a hand on my knee. “I’ll help you, if you want, that is?”

“Help me, what?”

“Nail him.” She nods her head with determination set in those beautiful blue eyes of hers. But I don’t understand why she would do something like that for me when we barely know each other.

“Why? Why would you do that? ”

“Because I hate what he did. I hate what he’s done to you and your family. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it, and he shouldn’t be walking around like he’s untouchable. What do you need, information?”

“No,” I snap. “I don’t want you involved.” I feel protectiveness for her, maybe due to not having anyone left to be really protective over, but the last thing I want is to put her at risk too. I couldn’t live with any more on my conscience.

“But I want to−”

“No,” I cut her off. “There’s nothing to help with, no vendetta, no need to feel like you have to help me with anything, okay?” I inform her with an edge of anger to my voice, I want her to stay as far away from this situation and Damien Brooks as possible. “I’ve got other things to worry about right now. Look, you just need to forget about him. Forget about what I showed you, because he will get his comeuppance one way or another, and just forget about me, okay? I don’t know what you’re looking for, Megan, but I can’t give it to you. I’m a different kind of broken.” I feel my voice getting harder and I know I’m pushing her away.
Why am I pushing her away?

“There you are.” I spin around at the voice that interrupts us to see Harley walking down the beach. “I thought you’d be here.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask him, wondering how the hell he knew where to find me.

He smiles and nods in acknowledgement to Megan then looks back to me. “Annie called me. She visited your mum early this morning and you weren’t there, she thought I should check on you. So I looked for you everywhere and this was the last place I could think of where you’d be. I was worried about you, after … you know.”

I hop up off the stony beach and Megan follows my lead. “I should be going,” she says, smiling thinly. “See ya.”

“Yeah.” I rub the back of my neck. This is uncomfortable as fuck. “See ya ‘round.”

Harley gives a curt nod as she walks past him, then he looks to me with raised brows, “You wanna tell me about it?”

“Nope.”

“You wanna eat?”

“Yeah, I guess. Then I’m going to go back to see Mum.”

“I’ll come too, if that’s okay?”

“Sure,” I reply with a smirk. “Although, you know you don’t have to do that now that I’m not self-destructing?”

“Yeah, I know. I want to.” He shrugs and walks off. I smile to myself. I have the best friends.

“Oh, Harley?” I call after him and he stops.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to take in the CCTV evidence. Of Lizzie, you know …”

“You sure?” he lifts his brows. “There may be questions as to where it came from and how you got it.”

“I’m cool with that. Whatever it takes.”

“Gotcha.”

I glance back at the silhouette walking in the opposite direction of the beach. I never wanted it to be like that with her. I wanted her, and there’s still a huge part of me that still wants her and I don’t know why. But I’m no good for her, or for anyone. She is just one more regret I will have to carry the weight of.

“What are you boys doing here so early?” Mum asks as we walk into her room. The curtains are wide open looking out on to the well-manicured lawn, and her bed has been moved so it faces the window letting the morning sun shine in on her face through the glass. 

“Mum, it’s not so early, it’s ten thirty. Anyway, I should be asking you what kind of miracle juice you’ve been drinking. You look so much better than you did yesterday.” She does look better, although she’s still sick, she’s most definitely brighter than she was yesterday. I bend and kiss her on the forehead, and walk around the bed to sit next to her.

“Morning, Kath.” Harley greets her with a smile, then surprises me by kissing her cheek.

“Aherm, that’s my mum you’re kissing, mate.” I emphasise the word ‘mate’ so he knows exactly what I mean. “Don’t think she needs a boy toy right about now, thanks.”

“Oh, Finn, don’t be so uptight,” she scolds quietly. “Harley’s like a second son. It’s good to see you both.” She shakes her head and huffs out a laugh, “So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

It’s obviously more than she’s spoken in a while and she starts to cough, sitting up as best she can to try and curb it. I stand up and place a hand on her back. God, I wish I could take this away from her. She waves a hand dismissively as the coughing subsides and she relaxes back on her pillow.

“Do you want me to get someone? Do you need more drugs or anything?”

“No. I’m fine.” She laughs gently, “No more drugs.”

“How do you feel today?” I ask, and as soon as the words come out I think it’s probably a really stupid question.

“I feel fine,” she croaks, and before she has a chance to start coughing again, Harley has poured a glass of water for her and is placing it in her hands. She takes a couple of sips, then lets out a deep breath. “They got some antibiotics into me. I have a chest infection which is what made me so weak over the last few days and yesterday it took a hold of me.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Conflicted relief. She’s living no life. She’s just existing. Hanging on until her number is called, and I’m sure for her it would be kinder for the end to come sooner rather than later, but I can’t allow myself to be alright with that. I want her here, with me, for as long as I can keep her alive. I’m not ready to let her leave me.

A nurse comes in to check Mum’s stats and Harley stands to leave, subtly offering Mum some privacy. “I’m going to get a coffee, anyone want one?”

“Yeah, two sugars please, mate.”

“Right ‘o, I won’t be long. Going to make a few calls while I’m gone.” He gives a tight nod and holds my gaze before leaving.

“Two sugars, Finn?” Mum asks, peering around the nurse who’s trying to take her blood pressure and breaking my thoughts about what could happen when Harley has made that call.

“Yep.”

“You still smoking?” I balk at her question, and the nurse turns to me, obviously eager to hear my answer, and ready to give me a lecture about it being bad for me.

“Yeah, a little. Not as much as I used to though.”

“Good.” I stand and watch out of the window for a few minutes while the nurse adjusts the tubes and machines that Mum’s hooked up to. It’s such a beautiful day out there. The sun is shining, the birds fly around care free and happy. But I feel grey. I feel devoid of any colour and it’s so hard to try and feel anything else. I’m so confused.

“Are you okay, Finn?” Mum asks quietly when the nurse leaves the room.

“Sure,” I answer, plastering a smile on my face. But I should know that as a mum, my mum, she’s fully qualified to see through my façade.

“Is it a girl?” Obviously my smile wasn’t convincing enough as Mum digs a little deeper.

“What makes you say that?”

She shrugs and lays her head back. “Intuition.”

“Nothing gets past you, huh?” She shakes her head with a knowing smile. I open my mouth several times to tell her about Megan, but it feels weird and I don’t know where to begin. I want to tell her everything about Megan from the way that her nose wrinkles when she’s deep in thought to the way I left her looking so broken this morning on the beach. But in the same breath I don’t want to say a thing about her because that would make everything real and I’m so ashamed I haven’t treated her better.

“Are you in love?” she asks.

“No!” I answer immediately, that is most definitely not what it is. “She’s … I don’t know, Mum. She’s gorgeous and feisty, but …” I trail off then blurt out, “But I can’t have her. And even if I could, I don’t think I want her.”