Against the Tide (18 page)

“And I can’t convince him otherwise, I tried. And do you know what? After the way he was today when we watched the playback, I don’t want to. The hate feeling is mutual. I don’t fucking like him either, and now I find out that he’s got me in to this mess, and he’s caused me to have to make the hardest decision I’ve ever had in my life so far. I think we can safely say there’s no way forward.”

“Oh, Meg,” she sighs.

“So, that was my day.”

“Totally uninteresting.”

“I wish.”

I think I've convinced Harley that I won’t do anything stupid or illegal. But I’m not entirely sure I can keep to that promise. If I come across Damien Brooks in a dark alley, it will be like winning the lottery while browsing a Ferrari garage. All I know is that Damien Brooks has to pay for taking my sister from this earth. I don’t know how, or when it will happen but karma has to catch up with him somehow, someday.

After the last month passing in such a chemical induced blur and never having the dilemma of being bored, the thought of staying in, especially with Harley, makes me twitchy. At least before when I was high or drunk I could slip out of reality and in to another world where nothing mattered, but in the time that I’ve been sober, my reality is anything but boring. Every second of the last couple of days, I’ve been itching to take something, or drink something to take the edge off. There’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t think of Lizzie, my mum, or … Megan. And to my surprise, the thought of her still drives me crazy. She sends a buzz through my body and awakens a part of me that I never even knew I had, but right alongside those feelings comes a punch in the gut of guilt. I shouldn’t be feeling these things about her. I don’t want to be feeling anything toward her, which is why it’s easier to push her away. I battle with the feelings of lust and hate. Such a fine line with no easy definition. It's such an intense craving that my body acts of its own accord when I’m near her, with a lust so powerful it erases any rational thought and I just want to consume her. But my sanity balances precariously on the border of hatred.

Do I hate her? No, I don’t.

But I want to. That would be easier than hating myself, wouldn’t it? Because if I’m honest, that’s where the truth lies, and it’s painful. It’s a heart wrenching, agonising affliction which doesn’t let up.

I hate myself for having no control over myself with her that night.

I hate myself for being a shitty brother and a shitty son.

I hate myself for letting this all happen and not being able to deal with it like any other man would be able to. Like I
should
be able to.

And I hate myself for not being able to admit this to anyone, or to myself for long enough to do something about it. And soon, I’m going to be without my mum as well as Lizzie, and I don’t know how I can cope with that. It scares me. It eats away at me every second that I’m sober enough to analyse everything. Without them, I’m dead from the neck up. A functioning body without a destination or purpose.

“Hey Annie,” I call out as I let myself in to Mum’s house. She comes out of the kitchen wearing an apron covered in flour. The smell of fresh baking wafts through the house and it smells wonderful.

“Hey, Finn.” She smiles warmly, seeming genuinely pleased to see me.

“You’ve been baking I see.” I nod toward her apron and she smiles wide.

“Yes, your mum asked for homemade steak pie, so I thought I would make a few other things too.” She winks, and I know what she’s hinting at.

“You made rock cakes?”

“Yep.” She nods enthusiastically. “That’s not all,”

“Bread puddin’?”

“It’s still warm,” she sings. “I’ll bring some in with a cup of tea, if you like? Mum’s up, she’s having a good day.”

It makes my heart happy to hear this. “Thanks Annie.” I push the door open to the lounge. “Hey Mum.”

“Thought I heard you out there.” She peers around the side of her high backed chair and smiles holding out her upturned palm. I cross the room and place my hand in hers. She closes her frail fingers around mine and tilts her cheek toward me as I bend down to kiss her softly. “Hey.”

“Hello, my boy. Let me look at you,” she says placing her hand on my cheek and turning my head from side to side. “You’re so handsome, Finn,” she says quietly, her eyes starting to glisten.

“Oh yeah? You’re not so bad yourself,” I remark, trying to lighten the mood, and she swats at my knee playfully.

“I was worried about you, before.” She holds my gaze, not allowing me to retreat or dismiss her comments.

“I know. I’m sorry, Mum.” I sit back on a cushion in the bay window just in front of her. “I didn’t know how to−”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain to me, I know. You always did take things so deep inside your head. Lizzie was the one that let it all out, and you kept everything inside. Do you remember the time you fell off the wall and broke your arm?” She looks out of her window, staring at the sea and remembering happy times. “You didn’t tell me it hurt for three days. I felt like the worst mother in the world for letting you go to school and play football with a broken arm, but you hadn’t said a word. You kept quiet about it because you were afraid you would have to have an operation. But they just put you in a cast for six weeks and after that you were fine.”

I laugh under my breath. “Yeah, I remember.”

“And Lizzie, well, if she fell over and grazed her knee, the whole world knew about it. In fact, I think she was jealous of that cast you had. She tried to pretend to me that her arm was broken too.”

“Yeah, she did. She wrapped her arm up in bandages to make it look swollen,” I recall with a smile. As much as it hurts, it feels good to talk about Lizzie.

“Sometimes it's better to open up and talk about it. I’m not saying that you need to shout about it like Lizzie would. There’s no right or wrong. But what I’m saying is that you worried yourself stupid over your arm, thinking you would have it operated on, and when it came down to it, it was unwarranted.”

“I hear you, Mum.”

She smiles and pats my knee. “So, tell me what’s new?”

“Nothing.” I shrug. There's a ton of stuff I could be telling her but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. “I’m going to see Marc at the garage later, see if they will give me my old job back.”

“They’d be crazy not to. You’re a wonderful mechanic, darling.”

“Yeah, I guess. I need to pick up my bike while I’m there. I’ve missed her.” A spark of excitement tingles in my belly at the thought of getting to ride her again.

“Ah, Jezebel. You haven’t ridden her since …”

“Nope. Haven’t been sober enough. But they will have looked after her well at the garage for me, I’m sure.”

“Yes, they will have. Just be careful the first time you ride out, okay? You know how I worry about you on that bike.”

“I know.” I look out over the sea front, remembering how good it feels to ride the straight roads and open her up once I’m out on the downs.

She smiles as if she can read my mind. “Well, I must say, I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

“Oh?” I frown.

“Finn, I love to see you, and I love to have visitors, but you don’t have to send your friends around to keep an eye on me.”

“What do you mean? Did Kyle come to see you?”

“Not today, no. He’s a nice boy though, him and Harley came a lot when you were … you know.”

“Yeah, I know. Who came then, Mum?” I frown at her curiously, while trying to wrack my brains at who it could be.

“Oh, I forget his name now. He wasn’t here long. Didn’t even take off his coat actually. Daniel, was it?”

“Mum, I don’t have a friend called Daniel.” Unease prickles at my skin. Maybe I'm paranoid but I don't have a friend called Daniel or anything similar that I'm close enough with that would visit with Mum.

“Anyway, he was saying that he needs to catch up with you soon and he’ll be in touch.”

“What?” I jump up from the window seat, rubbing my sweating palms on my thighs. “What was his name? Can you think, please?”

“I … Uh, nope, it wasn’t Daniel, Damon?”

A sharp, cold feeling stretches along my spine as I try to think fast enough to figure out what's going on here. “Damien?”

“Yes, that was his name, he was−”

“Shit.” I hold on to her shoulders and look directly into her eyes. “Mum, listen. I need you to think really hard. Did he tell you his last name?” She looks startled, but I insist harder. “What did he say? I need you to tell me what he said.”

“He didn’t say. I don’t really remember, we just chatted. He said he went to school with you, he knew Lizzie.” The words tumble out of her mouth, panicked at my reaction.

“Annie,” I call out. “Look Mum, I don’t want you letting anyone in, other than Harley or Kyle if I’m not here. Okay?”

“Finn, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?” She grabs hold of my hand tightly and I fight to stay calm so I don't worry her any more than I already have.

I place my free hand over the top of hers. “Nothing, Mum. Sorry if I scared you, it’s just, I don’t like all these people coming to see you when I’m not here. I don’t think it’s good for you to be exposed to loads of people just in case of infection, you know how low your immune system is.”

“Is everything okay, Finn?” Annie rushes in to the room and comes straight to Mum’s side.

“Sorry, Annie. I just, uh, wondered where that delicious cake of yours is, my mouth is watering just thinking about it here,” I joke, patting Mum’s hand before placing it back on her lap. It takes every last bit of my self-restraint to keep from showing my anger and the panic that’s building like a flood behind a weakened dam.

“Oh, is that all? Finn, you are impatient.” She scoffs as she turns to walk back out of the room.

“I’ll come and help,” I offer, following quickly behind her out to the kitchen.

I close the door behind me. “Annie?”

“Yes, dear?” she answers with a smile.

“What did the guy look like that came to see Mum today?”

“Your friend? Damien, I think he was called. He’s a nice boy. Brought those for your mum, I just haven’t had a chance to take them in to her room yet.” She nods towards a vase of lilies. There are not only large white flowers, but several small black lilies in the middle that immediately make me feel nauseous. Who in the fuck sends black lilies? The sick, sick bastard. “He was dressed all smart, in a suit. Must have an important job, does he?” Annie asks innocently.

“Uh, I haven’t seen him in a while,” I lie, not knowing what to say, and trying to work it all through in my head. “Listen, Annie, I don’t want too many people coming to see Mum when I’m not here. Her immune system is so weak, you know? I know she likes to see people and I don’t want to stop that, but …” It’s so hard to keep my cool and not lose my shit in front of Annie, or make my mum even more worried than I did before, but I need to sort this out with the least possible fuss.

“Finn−”

“Actually. I have a better idea,” I interrupt, talking fast. “I’m moving in. I know Mum feels isolated and I’ve been a shitty son for the last month. I want to be here every day, as much as I can. That way I can know how’s she’s doing and keep an eye on who’s coming in and out.”

“I don’t think that's necessary, Finn, but if it makes you feel better.” She shrugs.

“It will.”

“We haven’t sorted out Lizzie’s room, yet. But there’s your mum’s old room upstairs that I’m sure she won’t mind you having. Most of her belongings are down here anyway, so it will only be a case of moving things about a bit.”

“Great. I’ll go tell Mum the plan.” Pretending I’m excited about the idea when in reality, I feel sick, my gut is churning and I’m ready to put a bullet through Damien Brooks’ skull. If only I had a gun. “I’m just popping outside for a cig first, okay?”

“If you must,” she tsks and shakes her head with disapproval before continuing to dress a tray with tea and cake.

I dial Harley’s mobile immediately as I get outside, and shut the back door behind me.

“Alright, Finn?” he answers worriedly, knowing I was going to Mum’s house. After the times he and Kyle have visited while I was off the rails, they have gotten pretty close to her.

“No. Fuck no, Harl, I’m not alright,” I breathe out.

“Is Kath okay?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.

“Yeah, but Damien Brooks won’t be when I get my hands around his neck and take his last breath from him. He came here. He visited with my mum. He brought her flowers. He knows who I am, he talked with my mum about Lizzie. What the fuck do I do now?”