Against the Tide (11 page)

I tried to convince Torran that I was fine to work, but after a while even I had to admit that I was shaken, so he sent me home.

It wasn’t the fact that he was nasty, or the fact that he put his hands on me in anger. It was the fact that I never expected to see him again, and stupidly, naively, if I ever did, I wanted it to be hearts and flowers. I wanted the white knight, and I wanted the happily ever after. Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I guess that was never meant to happen for me. What if Damien is the one I was meant to be with? Maybe that was as happy as I was destined to be. Maybe I’m destined to be alone. Good for no one other than myself. Who knows? I can’t figure it all out.

Finn. His name is Finn. I wouldn’t have guessed that in a million years.

“Honey, I’m home,” Jamie calls up the stairs. “Megan?”

“I’m in the bath,” I call back. I hear her footsteps getting closer and she pokes her head around the door.

“What are you doing in there?” She frowns. “And with wine already? It’s only just five thirty,” she remarks, clearly surprised.

“Well, I had a shitty day, came home early and thought the only way to clear my head was with a hot bath filled right up to my neck with bubbles, and to start early on the wine, which by the way, I think is off. How long has it been opened for?”

She closes the lid of the toilet seat and plonks herself down. “Only a couple days, I think. What happened at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I look away and wiggle my toes in the bubbles.

“Try me.”

“Jamie, do you think I’m a bitch?”

She frowns at my swerve in direction. “What? I thought we were talking about work?”

“Yeah,” I muse. “Just tell me, am I a horrible person? I mean, I know me and you are friends so you’re not going to say you hate me or anything, but just in general, do I take people for granted?”

“Meg, I’m not sure where this has all come from but you’re worrying me. Of course you’re not a bitch. You have your moments, like any woman. But on a day to day basis, I think you’re pretty normal. What’s going on?” She drops her bag on the floor and gives me her full attention.

“I saw
him
today.”

Her eyes widen. “The
him
from the alley?”

“Yep.”

“The
him
that you can’t stop thinking about?”

“Yep.” I sigh.

“Meg, you’re gonna have to give me a bit more than half finished sentences and
Yep
.”

“Okay, he’s pissed at me. I don’t know why. But he was nasty, got right up in my face. He made me feel like a slut, Jamie. Maybe that’s exactly what I am.” My voice trails off as I remember that night.

“Hey, you listen to me. You are not a slut. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and if you were presented with the opportunity again, you probably wouldn’t do it. Live and learn.”

“I would,” I say with absolute certainty.

“Would, what?”

“I would do it again. I know you think I’m crazy, and after today and the way he’s made me feel right now, I should hate him right back, but I don’t,” I shrug, “I can’t, and I don’t know why. There was something there, Jamie. There was a reason I followed him out, a reason I did something I would never have dreamed of in normal circumstances, and it was electrifying. He made me feel alive. And today, when he first looked in to my eyes, I felt it again. But then it was like he changed in to a different person and I didn’t recognise him. Whatever it is, made him hate me.”

“Maybe he has a girlfriend or a wife.”

I frown, “I never even thought he could have a partner. Oh god. What if it broke up a relationship? I gave him a love bite, Jamie. A fucking great big love bite for the whole world to see.”

“Megan!” She shakes her head at me.

“I know. I couldn’t help myself,” I shriek before whispering, “I wanted to mark him. But what if he has a wife that saw it. Oh god, what if he has a child, or children?”

“Meg …”

“I can’t believe I’ve split up a family.”

“Meg!” Jamie calls louder this time and I look at her. “You didn’t do anything to anyone’s family. If he split from a partner or whatever, then it’s his own doing. You’re both adults. If he had someone else, he should have kept his dick in his pants.”

“I suppose,” I sigh.

“Besides, what are you going to do about it now? It was one night, you owe him nothing, and he owes you nothing. Move on, babe.”

I nod knowing that she’s right. She’s always right. But I don’t think I can move on just yet, I don’t think I want to. “Did you collect my post from the house today?” I ask, changing the subject.

“No, sorry. This week has been so busy I haven’t had a chance to get over there. You know, you’re going to have to go there yourself at some point …”

“Why?”

“Well, you still have belongings there for one, and all your paperwork, your passport.”

“There’s nothing there I need.”

“But it’s still yours, Megan, let’s just go there and collect it all. We can have your post redirected to here, and make plans from there,” Jamie suggests sensibly before standing up and rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

“What’s up, J?”

“Aha!” she calls finding a box of ibuprofen. “I have the worst period pains,” she informs me, popping two out of the foil packet.

A ball of nerves knots tightly in the pit of my stomach as a realisation washes over me like an ice cold shower. “Oh shit,” I whisper under my breath. “Oh shit.” I grab a towel and jump out of the bath, the panic racing through me makes my legs unsteady and I sit on the loo seat where Jamie was before.

“Meg, what’s wrong? You’re as white as a ghost, do you feel ill? Maybe the wine is really off?”

I shake my head back and forth and stare at the black and white floor tiles. “I don’t think it’s the wine that’s off.”

“What? Meg … Oh my god. You’re not?”

“It’s a very big possibility,” I say, with the feeling of disbelief hammering at my temples. “I’m never late.”

“How late are you?” she asks crouching in front of me and searching my eyes for information.

“I’m not sure.” I shrug, “Two weeks maybe.”

“Shit,” she curses before standing and pacing. “Well, whose is it?”

“What?” I yell, jumping up. “It can’t be …”

“Who, alley guy? Why not? Because you only screwed him once? Surely I don’t need to explain to you how babies are made, Meg.”

“Jamie! I can’t believe you just said that.” I stomp out of the bathroom, feeling every bit the slut that Finn more or less told me I am. I slam my bedroom door behind me and flop down flat on my front on the bed. I want to cry, but I won’t. I want a cigarette, but I haven’t been smoking in the house as Jamie doesn’t like it, so that habit has been getting less and less frequent, and now, well, what if I really am …pregnant.

Jamie knocks softly on the door. “Meg, can I come in?”

“Yes,” I squeak out with my head buried in the pillow.

She opens the door slowly and comes to lay next to me on the bed. “Want me to go to the chemist?”

“No,” I pout.

“Sure?”

“No.”

She laughs gently. “I know you want to be an ostrich, but this problem could only get bigger, literally, if we don’t sort something out early on.”

“You mean it won’t go away if I pretend it never happened?”

“I don’t think it will this time, Megs.”

I lay flat on my back in the middle of my bed and stare at the ceiling. This is the longest I’ve been sober in weeks, and it’s fucking painful. My thoughts move too fast, spinning in conflicting directions and give me a banging headache, although that might also be due to the fact that I’ve had more alcohol intake than water for far too long now. After yelling at Megan I felt like a total prick, but I couldn’t help it. Hate boiled inside me, along with regret and guilt, wrestling with the part of my mind that wanted to push all that away and devour her then and there and never let her go. The state that my head is in at the moment, I just couldn’t cope with it. I wanted to tug on her lip ring with my teeth, I wanted to taste her again, I wanted to explore her body with my tongue, and I wanted to yell at her and push her away to make her hurt, like I’m hurting. If it wasn’t for her …

“Hey, man,” Harley chirps as he pokes his head around the door.

“Hey.”

“How ya holding up?” he asks, perching on the end of the bed.

“Been better.” I sit up and cross my legs. “I want a drink, and a line, and then I’d be just dandy.”

“I’m sure you would be, for a few hours.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Then you would feel like shit, and you’d have to do it all over again to take away the feeling of feeling like shit.”

“Yeah, alright, Mr. Good Guy,” I scoff. My words have a bitter edge to them and I don’t really mean it, it just smarts a little when Harley is seemingly always right.

“Just stating facts.” He gives a small shrug but doesn’t gloat.

“I went to see my mum today,” I say quietly.

“Oh yeah? I bet she was pleased to see you.”

“She cried, a lot. I didn’t mean to worry her so much. She’s lost more weight.” I look down at my clasped hands in my lap. “Harley?” I say softly.

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for visiting her, mate. I appreciate it, I … I should have been the one to comfort her but I just, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to look in her eyes again and see such pain. It was killing me.” My lips pull tight, fighting back tears I thought I had already cried out. “I know it was selfish, but I couldn’t get my head around it all.”
“It’s okay.” He slaps his hand on my shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. “But, you have to move forward, Finn. You can’t stay in this downward spiral, pushing everyone away. We won’t let you. Your mum needs you, and you need her too.”

“Do you always have to be right?” I ask, looking toward him.

He shrugs, “Someone has to be the sensible one, I suppose.”

“Yep, that isn’t me, and it definitely isn’t Kyle. Did he tell you what he was going to do today?”

“He told me he was going to take you out and kick your arse in gear.”

“Well, did he tell you he was going to get a needle shoved in his cock?”

“What?” he cries in disbelief.

“Oh yes. He was going to get a piece of intimate jewellery, as they like to call it. Flashy bastard.”

“He chickened out?”

“No, I, uh, I kinda fucked it up for him.”

“Fucked it up, as in he has wonky jewellery?”

I laugh. “No, although that would have been funny. I would have taken a picture of that. No, I’ll give you two guesses who the girl is that does piercings at Skin Deep tattooists.”

He scrunches up his brows and thinks hard. “I have no idea, man. Who?”

“
That
girl.
The
girl.” I sigh.
The only girl in the world
.

“Fuck. She recognised you? I mean, of course she knows what you look like, but−”

“Yeah, she knew it was me. You know how it was in the club? That intense sensation, like I feel her before I see her.”

“Damn.”

“Yep, it was like that all over again. But,” I pause and take a deep breath, “I bawled her out.”

“What? Why?” Harley’s eyes snap at me.

“Because it’s her fault,” I bark out, jumping off the bed to pace the floor. “If she didn’t−”

“If she didn’t, what?” Harley interrupts, standing to meet me in the centre of the room. “Did she tie and gag you, and drag you kicking and screaming into that alley? No. If you want to blame anyone, blame me, okay?”

“You? Why would you be to blame?” I say impatiently.

“Because you weren’t there, so I should have been, right? But, I was too busy with the boys to look after your nineteen year old sister and her friends. Or maybe it was Kyle’s fault because if he knew you weren’t there and knew I wasn’t watching her every move then he should have been, yes?” He stands in front of me with his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face.

“What’s your fucking point, Harley?”

“My point is that it wasn’t anyone’s fault other than the low life scum that sold her, or gave her, the drugs in the first place. Your life didn’t have to stop to watch her every move, she didn’t need that and she didn’t want that from you. She wanted to live it her way, she wanted to be an adult and make her own choices, Finn.”