Against All Odds (33 page)

The loss of our baby flipped a switch in me. Was it the moment I took Kayla from her arms? Was it the funeral? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of growing up with parents who never talked about anything emotional. Maybe I didn’t have the tools to fight through it. I don’t know why I shut down, why I needed to escape from the one person I love more than my life.

“What’s wrong with me?” I whisper, devastation smothering the life out of me. “How could I do this? What kind of man am I?”

Gray ambles over, his body showing his stress and fatigue. He sits next to me. The tension and sorrow in the air is so thick, I could cut it with a knife.

“I don’t know, but things have been fucked up for a long time,” he whispers after a while. “I know you love her, but I know she deserves more than what you’re giving her. If you want to deserve her, then you need to earn her.” His eyes bore into mine. Our friendship’s being tested in ways we’d never expected. “Maybe it’s time you get some help. You need to learn how to cope with losing Kayla.”

I stare at the man I used to call my brother. Maybe I do need help. Without it, Kylie and I stand no chance. I put my head down and think over all of the things we’ve been through. My chest burns over what I’ve done to my wife. The guilt destroys me. I’m not the man I thought I was. It’s a damning thought.

“I felt so worthless when she died,” I admit, unable to keep my sorrow in. “We wanted her so badly, Grayson. From the moment we got engaged, having a baby was all we talked about. We had a plan for our lives, and that was goal number one.” Tears force their way out of my eyes as I think about Kylie’s excitement about becoming a mother. “I was so used to coming through for her. I’ve never had to deal with something being ripped from my life. When things have gone wrong, I’ve always been able to fix them. The night Kylie gave birth and she was holding Kayla, she looked at me. The look behind her eyes demolished me. I saw…” I try to breathe, but the pain is almost unbearable. “Fuck, I saw desperation. She was begging me, man. Her entire body was screaming at me to fix it. How could I bring her back? God, I wanted to. She was my child, my flesh and blood. But I couldn’t do anything. I felt pathetic and I lost the grip I had on our lives. I couldn’t deal and I ran.”

Silence stretches between us for several moments before Gray’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “Cooper, look at me, bro.”

I shift to look at him and see his eyes glistening with tears, his face lined in sorrow.

“I understand you were in pain,” he says. “I don’t know what it feels like to have your future stolen from you. I swear, if I could take this away from you guys, I would. All of this is more than one person should have to handle. I’m not carrying your burden, but I get it. You have to straighten this shit out,” he says, his voice urgent. “I love Kylie, but I know that she loves you more than she could ever love me. Get counseling. I don’t know what else to tell you. All of this is killing us. I don’t want to lose you guys, but you are taking me down with you.”

I nod. I get that he’s been pulled into our nightmare. He was a part of it, because I slacked off and he had to do my job. He fell in love with her, and as angry and jealous as that makes me, I get it.

“I’ve fucked up a lot, Gray. I keep fucking up, but I love my wife. It’s taken me a while to get here, but I won’t give her up without a fight. I’m thankful for what you did for her, but she’s mine. I need you to understand that.”

“I don’t think you can take care of her. You take off as soon as things get tough, and she deserves better than that. I can give her more,” he says.

“This is my fucking wife.” My anger churns thickly at his insistence that he can take care of her better than I can.

“I know that, but I want her taken care of. I can’t stand the thought of you leaving her when things get hard.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

His eyes close as he struggles to let Kylie go.

I feel the room shift, and before I know it, I’m confessing something I swore I’d never tell him. “I haven’t been fucking around on her, Grayson. I’ve only slept with Layla.”

His eyes shoot to mine. “What?”

“I’ve only slept with Layla, and it just started happening. I caved after Kylie left with Nate.”

“But Kylie said something about a Jessica.”

“That’s the girl she saw at the bar,” I say. “I never went through with it. I left, got my own hotel room. I couldn’t stomach going back to our room.”

“What the fuck, Cooper? Why’d you keep this from me?” he asks, frustrated.

“I didn’t want you saying anything to Kylie. I don’t know how much she’s told you, but you know we had issues with… with me touching her intimately. Something fucked me up there. I didn’t want anyone else; I just wanted time to get myself together. But every time she came home smelling like a different man, I retreated until it became impossible to be near her. So I avoided her.”

He sighs. “Does she know?”

“No. We haven’t talked about this yet.”

“For God’s sake, Cooper. We’re all so fucked up,” he mutters, scrubbing a palm over his swollen face. “Maybe we all need counseling. Everything’s a damn mess.”

I take a tormented breath. “Can you tell me something?”

He looks at me and nods.

“How many men has she been with?”

Gray stills, his body tensing. His eyes tell me that I don’t want to go there.

“Fuck.” I look away, jealousy cutting deep into my aching chest.

“It’s not worth knowing that. And does it really matter?” he whispers, his voice urging me to think about what I’m asking.

“I don’t know. I need to wash them from her mind and body,” I admit.

“I can’t go there with you, bro,” he breathes, looking away.

I grimace when I see the pain on his face. He loves her. He really fucking loves her and he’s having a hard time letting her go.

“I’m sorry for all this, Gray.”

“That’s life,” he murmurs, not meeting my eyes.

We’re both exhausted, and there’s not much left to say. “Maybe eventually we’ll all be okay?”

“I don’t know.” His tear-filled eyes connect with mine. “I need a break. I can’t do this with you guys anymore. You’re drowning me. My life’s being taken under.”

I swallow hard, my body throbbing over what’s happened. I feel restless, bruised and broken. I don’t know where to go from here. I think of Kylie at home. How will she feel with Gray gone? Will this hurt her? Will she hold it against me?

“Go home to your wife, Cooper. But I’m gonna tell you one last thing. If you hurt her again, if she calls me and asks me to come… I’m coming for her and I’m not letting her go. Mark my words, I’ll never allow her to go back to you. Second chances are rare. This is your one and only.”

It takes everything in me to hold back the vicious reply that burns my tongue, but I do. I do because I deserve his anger. I deserve his disdain. I’ll use those threats as motivation to fix our lives and show him who owns my girl. She’s mine, and he’ll know that I love her with every part of my heart and soul. I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be, but I can learn from this. I will learn from this. I take it, pulling in a deep breath and pushing down the anger I feel.

“She’s not going to call you.” My voice is low and serious. I get up to leave, hoping we’ll all recover eventually. As I get to the door, I hear his voice sweep the air, it’s ragged and pained, but his words strike me right in the heart. They almost break me.

“I love you guys, Cooper. We just need time.”

I open the door and swing my head back. I bleed for the pain I’ve caused him. I nod, close the door behind me, and head home to my wife.

I sit in my car and stare at our home. My heart thrashes violently, my palms sweat, and my body aches as anxiety swarms me. It’s three a.m. and the porch light glimmers, illuminating the shrubs surrounding the entrance. When I pulled up, I saw every light in the house was on. Kylie’s probably worried sick over me being so late. She sent several texts while I was with Gray, asking when I’d be home. I didn’t see them till I left, and by that point, there was no reason to reply.

I’m so fucking nervous about going in there. I don’t know what to say. I know I have to get out of this car and go inside, but my body is battered and bruised. My jaw is swollen, my eye is cut, my lip is split open, and blood is caked on my face. She’s going to freak when she sees me. I don’t think I have the energy to calm her down.

Everything feels screwed up, and after the shit ton of information that was thrown at me, I don’t know how to approach her. I don’t know what to say to her. I’m exhausted, yet I ache to hold my girl. I want to go inside, not say a single word, and lay claim to her body. I have the urge to pummel through our home like a raging bull and find a way to wash her clean of the bad things that have happened.

I’m like a caged animal. On edge, wild and restless.

But I know I can’t go in there like that. I need to treat her with care, handle her delicately, but my raging soul makes that impossible. My heart is fucked, my life feels fucked, and there’s so much I need to fix. I can’t do it alone. I need help. Kylie and I need help together. And admitting that feels like failure.

My wife and I have so much unsaid, so much that needs to be put on the table. I lay my head on the steering wheel, giving myself a couple more minutes to calm down. I listen to the silence. I breathe deeply, letting it lull me into nothingness. My muscles are just starting to relax when I hear a slamming sound, causing my head to jerk up.

I see her like an angel in the darkness. Her face is washed in concern, her eyes straining to see through the tinted windows. She looks exhausted and panicked. She’s wearing a nightgown and her pink robe is slung sloppily. My body comes alive at the sight of her curves and her long black hair. Just as she gets to the car door, I click the locks.

She opens the door, peering in. “Jesus, are you okay? What took so long?”

I close my eyes, take a last fortifying breath, and say, as composed as I can muster, “Everything’s fine, baby. We just had a lot to talk about.”

I get out of the car and slowly shut the door. I look at her, the moonlight shining on us, and pull her into my body. I need her to calm me. She melts willingly and sighs. My heart bursts as her scent wraps around me, warming me.

“I was so worried,” she mumbles.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see your texts till I was already on my way,” I murmur into her hair. “Did you have fun with Cali?”

“No. I wanted you home.”

It feels good to hear that she missed me and wished I was here. “I’m home now. Let’s get inside.”

She steps back and grabs my hand. I feel as if a knife is cutting into my chest. As soon as we get inside, she’s going to get a good look at my face, and shits going to hit the fan. Stress rolls off me in waves. I feel as if I could explode.

When we get inside, I let her go and walk into the kitchen, grabbing a beer and two Ibuprofens. I hear her lock the door as I slam back the beer and pain meds. A second later her
tap, tap, tap
filters through the kitchen, and I brace my hands against the counter. I cringe, knowing this is going to mess her up. The moment she sees that Gray and I fought over her, it’s going to kill her, and if it kills her, then it’s going to destroy me. I can’t take anymore. The only thing I need is to love, feel and breathe my wife. I need time to regroup.

I feel her silky hands glide around my waist. I put mine on top of hers and feel her face rest against my back. My body twitches with the need to take her, to remind her who she belongs to and who was made for her. My breathing gets deeper, more labored. We stand for a minute, both of us silent and taking in the moment. It’s what I need, and she seems to understand.

Eventually she breaks the silence. “Are you going to tell me how it went?”

I sigh and turn slowly in her arms. She looks at me, her eyes getting huge, and a gasp pulls from her mouth. Her sexy, pouty lips form an
O.

“Oh my God,” she cries, her eyes welling with tears. “What happened?”

“Shh… It’s okay,” I say. “It needed to be worked out.” There’s almost a numbness to my voice. I have nothing left to give. I’m tapped out.

“With your fists?” she cries. She puts her hand on my cheek, running it soothingly under the bruising. Her other comes up to rub my jaw and lip. “Oh my God. How could he do this to you?”