Aftershocks (36 page)

“She’s going to find out eventualy.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

They were being very secretive, and I was pretty sure they were talking about me. Suddenly I knew. Connor and Alexis were back together. That’s why they’d been together, and now no one wanted to tel me.

“Don’t Nicky,” Luke said, and I could hear the warning in his voice.

“Sorry, I’m teling her.”

“Would someone please tel me what the hel you two are talking about?!” I hissed, as I stood up to face them.

They both turned to look at me.

“Abby, I’m so sorry to be the one to have to tel you this,” Nicky said.

Luke just shook his head.

“What?! Tel me,” I urged. “Please.”

She was going to tel me that Connor didn’t love me like he said he did. Fuck!

“We know why Connor was with Alexis tonight,” she said quietly.

Oh God, I was going to throw up again.

“Let me tel her,” Luke interjected. “I was there.”

“Fine,” Nicky said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“I don’t care who tels me. Just tel me,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

“Okay, so I was over at Connor’s tonight when Alexis came by. At first he wouldn’t talk to her. He tried to send her away. Then she screamed at him. She told him something that made him leave with her.”

I couldn’t imagine what that could be and didn’t know if I even wanted to know.

“Luke, what did she say to him?”

“You don’t want to know Abby. As your friend, please don’t make me tel you.”

“Luke! What is it?”

“She’s pregnant,” he deadpanned, and I felt the blood drain from my face.

“No. No. She can’t be. No.” Nicky reached out to steady me, as I realized that I was in danger of reeling backward in shock. She put her arms around me, and Luke folowed suit by putting his arms around us both.

Alexis couldn’t be pregnant. No, Luke was wrong. He’d misheard. I felt my hands curl into fists. I wanted to hit something. No, I wanted to hit someone. I wanted to hit Alexis. I stiffened in Nicky’s arms.

“Let me go,” I said calmly.

They released me, and I backed away al the way to the wal, my hands stil baled up. Then a memory struck me. I remembered the party. Cameron. She slept with Cameron.

“She cheated on Connor,” I said quietly. I looked up at them earnestly. “It’s not his. It’s not Connor’s.” Luke shook his head. “Luke, you know she slept with Cameron the night they broke up.”

Luke looked solemnly at me. Nicky had hope in her eyes.

“That could be it, right?” she asked, looking from me to Luke.

Luke didn’t look convinced. “I didn’t hear the rest of their conversation, because they lowered their voices, but if it’s not his, why did he leave with her? Wouldn’t he have asked her the same question, made the same assumption?”

There had to be an explanation. Maybe she was upset about the pregnancy and he wanted to comfort her. He was a nice guy. It was plausible. How long had it been since that night? Three weeks? My heart sank. I didn’t think was long enough for someone to know they were pregnant.

I didn’t know the last time Connor and Alexis had slept together – a thought that repulsed me to my very core – but the latest it could have been was the first week of December before we got together. I wanted to vomit just thinking about her hands on him and what they’d done together. It made me sick.

I blinked, not able to focus on anything around me. My chest started to constrict, and my breath began to catch in my throat. I felt like I was having a panic attack. Nicky reached for me, but I puled away. I didn’t want anyone touching me. I turned around and ran toward the stairs at the other end of the hal. As I flew by the nurse’s station, I heard someone yel at me to stop running, but I couldn’t. I didn’t care about hospital rules. I just needed to get out of there.

I threw the door to the stairs open, not stopping to look behind me, although I knew Luke and Nicky were folowing me. I could hear them. I tore down al four flights, not caring that my lungs were on fire or that I almost tripped several times. I burst through the door on the first floor and ran toward the first exit I could find.

The night air would have been ice cold and brutal at any other time, but that night I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything. I stood by the wal of the hospital, turned and pounded it with the soft part of my fist over and over again, never once feeling the pain as the brick cut into my skin. I heard the door open behind me, and someone grabbed my arm before my hand could hit the wal again. I was left craving the feeling of release that the repetitive pounding brought and the temporary reprieve from dealing with the barrage of emotions threatening to suffocate me.

“Stop!” Luke cried. “Stop it. It’s not helping anything.” His hand had closed around my wrist and yanked it back when it was inches for hitting the wal again. “Stop it.” He was quieter this time. “Just stop. It won’t change anything.”

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this,” I sobbed again and again.

“Abby! Look at me,” he said sternly.

I shook my head back and forth, repeating the same three words. He grabbed my chin in his hand to steady it, forcing me to look at him. “Stop it, right now.” He was calm, but firm, similar to a parent disciplining a child. I looked into his eyes. They were filed with concern and despair. “Abby, think about Connor.” My eyes widened, as I remembered him lying in the ICU upstairs. “Right now, he needs you.”

“He does, Abby, please,” Nicky said from behind Luke. Her voice sounded so desperate.

“He needs you,” Luke continued, “to not blame him for this. This is not his fault. It was an accident. He didn’t plan this, okay? Do you understand that?” I just looked at him, trying to comprehend his words. “Abby, Connor needs you. He needs you to be strong for him right now while he is fighting for his life. Nothing else matters, besides him getting better. Nothing! Whatever is going on with Alexis, it doesn’t matter.”

“She’s pregnant,” I signed. “Pregnant.”

I could not believe this was happening. It was unfathomable – al of it.

“Yes she is, but does that change the way you feel about Connor?” I shook my head, slowly. “Do you stil love him?” I nodded. Of course I did. That would never change. Even something as insane and dramatic as this wouldn’t shake my feelings for him.

“Now we know that he loves you more than anything else in this world,” he said, looking back at Nicky.

She nodded vigorously. “He does, Abbs. He loves you so much.”

I looked at them with more hurt in my eyes than they could fathom. My heart ached as I thought about how I felt about Connor.

“He needs you,” Luke said again.

I nodded. I knew he needed me. I had to be strong for him. If this was hard for me, I could only imagine what it had been like for him. I didn’t want to think about what it had been like to hear those words and to know it was something you couldn’t fix or erase. I could only imagine the thoughts that must have gone through his head when he was told he was going to be a father at eighteen.

“I know he needs me,” I whispered.

“So forget about everything else, okay,” Luke urged. “Forget it al. It doesn’t matter. It’s nothing compared to what he’s dealing with right now. He’s fighting for his life. He needs you to be by his side, not against him. Once he wakes up you can be as mad at him as you want, but right now, you don’t get to do that.”

I narrowed my eyebrows and looked at him, confused by his words. I wasn’t mad at Connor. I was hurt.

“He is one of my best friends, and I need him to pul through this. Jordan needs him to pul through. His parents need him to be okay.

You do not get to be selfish right now. Do you get that?” Luke was yeling at me. Anger flashed in his eyes.

I just nodded. It was al I could do.

Luke finaly let go of my jaw. “Now, are you ready to go back inside and help him get better?”

I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to see Connor’s hazel eyes and hear him say my name. It was the only thing I wanted in the whole world in that moment. I needed to be by his side again. What was I doing down there when he needed me upstairs? What was I thinking?!

“Yes,” I said.

“Good.”

We started walking into the hospital again. Luke didn’t hold my hand this time. I walked silently behind him and Nicky. Once we got on the elevator, I felt compeled to say something.

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I . . . I’m not mad at
him
. You know that, right?” I realy hoped he did. I didn’t want to be in bad graces with him. I needed him too much in that moment.

“I know.”

“I love him so much.”

Nicky reached out and puled me to her. “We know you do,” she said. “We love him too.”

“I’m so scared for what’s going to happen to him.” I started crying again. I couldn’t help it. Al I could think was what if he doesn’t wake up?

Nicky started crying along with me, and Luke puled both of us into a double-hug. I had a feeling we were al thinking the same thing.

“Me too, Abby,” he said, and I could hear his resolve fading just a little.

Chapter
32

Even though I knew there wouldn’t be any changes to report, I stil looked hopefuly at Jack, my mother, and Saly when we met up them in the waiting room. One look at their somber faces told me I was right.

“Can I see him again?” I asked.

Jack shook his head. “Visiting hours are over, Abbs. Let him rest. You can come back tomorrow morning.” He sounded utterly exhausted, as if speaking those words was taking everything out of him.

“But, what if something happens? What if he needs me? What if I can’t get to him in time?” I was wel aware that I sounded hysterical.

I knew there was nothing I could do for Connor if he realy needed medical help, but I didn’t like the feeling of helplessness that was invading me. I needed to do something for him. I needed to feel useful.

“He’s got the best doctors looking out for him tonight,” Jack said. “If anything . . . should happen. They’l be able to respond quickly.”

He choked on his words, not able to fathom what might happen in the critical hours Connor was facing. “The best thing for us is to al go home and get some sleep.”

Yeah right. Home was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to be at the hospital. I wanted to be as close to Connor as possible.

“No. No, I want to stay here,” I said vehemently. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t sleep. Was he insane?

“You can’t stay here, sweetie,” my mom said, as kindly as she could, “Come on, let’s go home.”

She put her arm around me, so she could escort me out of the hospital. Again, I leaned on her for support, needing her in that moment more than I realized.

Once we were outside, she put in her cal to my dad. He and Aaron were at home, and it seemed she’d been updating them throughout the night. She told my dad we were on our way home.

Jack’s arms went around me, squeezing me tight, and I realized how much he’d been shouldering al night. When Wyatt had been fighting for his life, Jack had been the one to crumble, and I’d stayed strong for him. Now he was returning the favor.

“I never thought we’d be back here, Abbs. Did you?”

I shook my head against his shoulder. “It’s weird. Al of these memories from last year are mixing with everything that’s happening now.”

“I caled Wyatt,” he said. “I figured he’d want to know.”

“What did he say?” I asked, puling back to look at Jack. Wyatt was scheduled to fly in from California in the next day.

“What do you think he said? He’s Wyatt. He got on the next flight he could and is on his way here.”

That was the first good news I’d heard al night. Wyatt always knew how to make things better.

“Thank you, Jack,” I said, tears springing to my eyes again.

“Abby, Connor wil be okay. He’l make it through the night. Have faith, okay?”

Faith. I had learned a lot about faith the year before when Wyatt’s life had been hanging in the balance and Jack had drug me to the hospital chapel so we could pray. The next day when we were told Wyatt would be okay, I couldn’t help but wonder if our prayers had been answered. It was the first time I’d ever fuly understood the concept of having faith.

“Thank you,” I said as fresh tears streamed down my face once again. “Thank you for being here.”

I suddenly knew what Connor had been talking about when he said how scared he was of loving someone so much that it could tear him apart if he lost them. I couldn’t even fathom that and realized just how much I loved that boy. It was something so unconditional and al-consuming that it threatened to break me into a milion pieces if he didn’t come back to me. Connor had been right to be scared. The feeling was terrifying.

Inside my room at home, I saw so many familiar traces of Connor that it was almost comforting. On my corkboard was a picture of us from when we’d gone snowboarding the week before. We were in ful gear, standing at the top of a mountain, smiling at the camera. The view behind us was incredible. Next to the picture was one of Connor, wearing just a pair of pajama pants, lying in bed reading the liner notes of an album he’d gotten for Christmas.

I loved how he had looked up at me right as I took the picture. It gave me a true capture of what his face looked like whenever I walked into a room or caught his attention when he wasn’t looking. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, as I wondered if I’d ever see him look at me that way again. I thought of his laugh and the way he said my name and how he sung off-key and how he sounded when he got exasperated with his brother. Would I ever hear him do those things again?

Almost instinctively, I dropped to my knees and through my tears, started praying. I don’t know what I said or what I may have bartered, but in that moment, I knew that no matter what the cost, I needed Connor to come back to me. When I felt I’d said enough, I crawled under my sheets, not bothering to remove my clothes or brush my teeth. I just wanted fal asleep, wake up and have the nightmare end.