After the Sky Fell Down (30 page)

“The problem was…I didn’t like that he made me forget about Ben for a moment,” Kathryn admitted quietly and then Lacey understood. “Part of me wanted him to kiss me and then I realized I couldn’t betray Ben like that.  You must think I’m awful.”

“What are you talking about?  Why would I think you’re awful?”

“Because of what I almost let happen tonight.”

“What did you almost let happen?  Jace kissing you?” Lacey asked. “I think it’s great.”

“What?” Kathryn sneered. “How is that great?  Think about what I almost did to Ben.”

“Kathryn, you didn’t almost do anything to Ben,” and then Lacey took a deep breath before saying, “He’s gone.”

Kathryn’s heart stung as Lacey spoke the words. It didn’t matter how many times she heard it or thought about it, she still couldn’t accept it.

“I know that, I do, but still…”

“But still nothing.  I know you still love Ben, but there’s nothing wrong with what happened tonight.”
“I feel so ashamed…like I cheated on Ben.”

“You didn’t cheat on Ben,” Lacey assured her.

“What am I doing?” Kathryn asked herself out loud and shook her head slowly from side to side before burying her face in her knees again, barely able to hold the phone to her ear.

“You’re living,” Lacey said.

Kathryn stopped and listened to Lacey knowing she was right.  She knew logically she couldn’t grieve forever.  She either needed to move on with her life or curl up in a hole and die too. While she had wanted to join Ben wherever he was for so long, she knew she couldn’t stop living her life and someday she would need to start living again, and maybe that time was now.

“It just feels wrong though,” Kathryn said tears beginning to blur her vision. “I miss him so much.  I still love him so much and it kills me knowing he’s gone, and now that Jace is around…I don’t know…it’s like little bits of feeling are surfacing that I thought I’d never feel again, but I am and I just don’t know what to do with it.  I don’t want to hurt Ben or betray his memory by doing this….what
ever it is I’m doing with Jace,” Kathryn said beginning to ramble quickly.

“But how does he make you feel?” Lacey asked forcing Kathryn to search deep within in herself for the truth.

“He makes me feel…” she said searching her mind for the right word. “He makes me feel…happy,” she said finally finding the word, even if it was a simple word. Happy had so many meanings, but as Kathryn searched for the answer to Lacey’s question it was the perfect word to describe how Jace made her feel.  For the first time in a long time, she felt a twinge of happiness from something other than Sarah.  He was funny and kind and considerate, and when she was with him, she felt slightly normal again.

“Then why do you think it’s wrong, you and Jace I mean?  There’s
nothing
wrong with it,” Lacey promised.

“But what about Ben?”

“Ben would want this.  Do you think he wants you to be alone for the rest of your life?  No way!  That’s the last thing he’d want.  He didn’t choose to die, but if he’d known he was going to, I know he would’ve told you he would want you to find someone to love you and take care of you and Sarah just like he wanted to do.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I know so,” Lacey said seriously.

“What am I going to do then?  You should’ve seen the way Jace looked at me
when I told him I had to leave.
 
It was terrible.  He was so confused, like I was afraid of him or something.  I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again.”

“Does Jace know about Ben?”

“No, I haven’t told him anything.  He doesn’t even know about Sarah.”

She could hear her friend inhale and the exhale deeply.

“He doesn’t know about Sarah?  Why wouldn’t you tell him about Sarah?  She’s your daughter Kathryn,” Lacey said, the disappointment obvious in her voice.

“I didn’t tell him about Sarah because I didn’t want to expose her to someone when I didn’t even know what was happening.”

“I can understand that, but you have to at least tell him you have a daughter.”

“I know, I know.  I guess I’m just kind of afraid of how he’ll re
act to knowing I have a kid…that I’ll scare him away,” she said frustrated.

“You need to tell him about Ben
and
Sarah.  If he’s worth anything, he’ll understand.”

As Kathryn listened to Lacey’s words she knew her friend was right.  She knew she had to tell Jace.  He must be beating himself up wondering what in the world he’d done to deserve the reaction he’d gotten from her. 

At the same time though, she still felt she wanted to push Jace away.  No matter what Lacey told her, she knew she was betraying Ben.  She loved Ben.  She would always love Ben and nothing would ever change that.  All she needed were her memories of him tucked away in her heart and the love of their daughter. 
I don’t need anything else
, Kathryn tried telling herself, but even as the thoughts ran through her mind she knew she was lying.

Chapter 30

As the phone began ringing, Kathryn held her breath almost hoping he wouldn’t answer.  After the fourth ring, she pulled the phone away from her ear to hang up when she heard Jace’s voice through the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Jace…hi. It’s Kathryn,” she said nervously, her heart beginning to race.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “I didn’t expect to hear from you.”

“Yeah…about last night.  I was wondering if we might be able to get together and talk,” she said slowly.

“Okay,” he said simply.

“Can I come over?”

“Okay,” he said again.

“Alright then,” she said meekly. “When’s a good time for you?”

“Any time.  I’ll be home all day.”

“Okay.  I’ll see you soon then.”

“Yeah,” he replied
and hung up.

Her heart was
still pounding when the conversation was over.  He sounded upset and why shouldn’t he be after the way she’d treated him last night?

She pulled herself up and got ready to go, making sure to stop by the jewelry box
in her room before she left and then drove slowly to Jace’s.  She walked nervously to his door when she finally got there.  She knocked quickly, before she lost her nerve, barely able to hear the rasp of the knock over her beating heart.

He opened the door, looking annoyed and bothered, wearing a pair of loose jeans and a gray Navy hoodie
she suspected was a gift from his brother.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey,” he said, stepping aside to let her in.             

They stood silently, neither of them saying anything.  Jace’s hands were stuffed in his pockets and he was rocking slowly back and forth slowly.  She’d asked to speak to him, but she was struggling on how to begin.  She tried opening her mouth a few times to
start talking, but each time she did, it seemed to dry up and words escaped her. 

“So, what’d you want to talk about?” he finally asked.

“Last night.”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about.  You made yourself perfectly clear.”

“It’s not what you think.  And that’s why I asked to talk to you…so I can explain,” she said, her eyes becoming heavy with tears, which she quickly wiped away with her sleeve.  He leaned forward, his eyes looking intently at her, waiting for her to begin.

“I’m sorry about how I acted last night.”

“Did I do something to offend you?” he asked when she stopped to catch her breath.

“No, not at all,” she told him, trying to figure out how to tell him the truth.

“I thought we were having a good time.  I thought you liked me.  I’m sorry if I misinterpreted your feelings.”

“You didn’t.”

“Then what happened?  I don’t get it.”

“I…um…I,” she staggered mulling over how to broach the subject and then just decided to start from the beginning. “I need to tell you something.  Can we sit d
own?” she asked as she sat on the couch.  She looked up, waiting for him to join her.  A few moments later, he reluctantly made his way over, but when he sat down, he purposefully left a cushion between them.

“What do you need to tell me?” he asked, the frustration obvious in his voice.

“I’m sorry I freaked out last night,” she began slowly and once again struggled with what to say and then she reached into her pocket, pulling out the engagement ring she’d taken from her jewelry box before she left.  He continued to look at her with impatience and then she slowly uncurled her hand and held it out to Jace.  His eyes stared down at the ring resting in her palm and his face twisted in confusion.

“What’s that?”

“An engagement ring…my engagement ring,” she said quietly and his confusion seemed to turn to anger.

“What?  You’re engaged?  So that’s why you’ve been acting so strange!” he exclaimed and he started to stand up, but she gently touched his arm and he remained seated.

“I
was
engaged,” she said softly and then looked up to meet his dark eyes. “But, about two years ago, my fiance…he passed away,” she said as her voice choked up.

Jace seemed to stiffen at the words she spoke.  He sighed and looked away, shaking his head slightly as the confusion and anger on his face turned to pity and he remained quiet.

“He proposed to me the night he died,” she said folding the ring in her hand again.  He rubbed his temples as he seemed to struggle for words.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t know.”

“I know you didn’t, but that’s the reason I kind of flipped out on you last night,” she said quietly. “I’ve only been out with one person…since he passed away and to be honest…it was horrible.  But with you…it’s different and it’s been kind of strange hanging out with you.”

Jace sat quietly, staring at the floor, still trying to absorb what she had just told him.

“I…I don’t even know what to say, except I’m sorry,” he said and then moved closer to her onto the cushion that separated them.

“I just thought you should know,” she said. “I thought maybe if you knew about it, then maybe you could understand my hesitation sometimes.”

“Thank you for telling me and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t.  Dating again…well, it’s not been easy.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said so quietly she could barely hear him as he stared at the ground, but then she wiped her eyes and when she looked up, he was staring at her.

“What was his name?” Jace asked and she raised her eyebrow at him.

“You want to know about him?” she asked quietly.

“Of course I do.  He obviously meant a lot to you.”

“His name was Ben,” she said and felt herself smiling thinking about him.

“How long were you together?”

“Three years.  Since high school.”

“And you loved him,” he stated, not needing to ask.  It was obvious by the light in her eyes when she said his name
that they had been in love. “Can I ask how he…how he died?” Jace asked carefully, afraid he might be crossing the line, but wanting to know what had happened.

“He had a brain aneurysm,” she stated, startling herself with how easy it felt to talk about it.

“So it was unexpected?” he asked quietly, having expected the cause to be a car accident or something that seemed easier to accept in a way instead of something so random and scary as an aneurysm, knowing it could happen to anyone at any time without notice.

“Very
unexpected.  One minute he was fine and the next he was…he was just…gone,” she said, her eyes filling with tears again. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jac
e said and then she noticed he was looking at her neck.  “So Ben gave you your crucifix?  That’s why you never take it off,” he concluded.  She hadn’t even been aware of it, but she was gently holding onto the silver cross as she talked about Ben.

She nodded and let her hand fall back into her lap.

“He passed away the night he proposed?” Jace asked quietly in disbelief.

She nodded again, listening to how unbelievable and tragic it sounded coming from someone else’s mouth.  This kind of stuff only happened on TV or in the movies, not in real life.  But, it had happened in real life.  It’d happened in her life.

“I just…I just can’t get over that,” he said taking her hand and when she looked at him, she thought she saw his eyes were moist.

“I just wanted you to know where I’m coming from, you know, why I act the way I do sometimes,” she said quietly. “It’s not you at all Jace.  It’s me and all this stuff I’m dealing with.”

“I understand,” he said with a hint of nerves and hesitation before continuing. “You’re not ready for this, are you?” he said softly.

“To be honest, I don’t know.  When Ben died I thought I’d never be able to be with anyone again or even if I would ever want to be with someone again,” she sighed. “But…since I’ve been hanging out with you, I’ve been happier than I’ve been in a long time and then last night I got really scared or something, like I was betraying him.  I know you can’t understand, but it was just too much to deal with.  I’m sorry for being so rude.”